The Boyfriend Pt. 63

The Boyfriend Part LXIII: Nothing is Ever Certain

Blake

Blake thumped down on the couch across from Dr. Cardaso like her limbs weighed a million pounds. She wasn't sneezing anymore, thanks to the cold meds, but she'd worn one of those surgical masks just in case. She didn't want Dr. Cardaso getting sick. The doctor had been OK with Blake coming to see her in person instead of doing a remote session, though. Blake was grateful for that. She was glad that Dr. Cardaso didn't have anything against doing remote sessions, especially for once you went back to school, but there was something different about doing things face to face.

Letting herself sink into the couch, Blake took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment. When she opened them and looked at Dr. Cardoso, the therapist had an unreadable expression on her face.

"I don't think I'm going to bother asking you how you're doing this time."

Blake took another deep breath and nodded, "Probably a good idea for the sake of time. The last few days have been..."

"Rough?"

"That might be an understatement."

Dr. Cardaso winced at that.

"Where do you want to start?"

Blake had to think for a moment to answer that.

Since her talk with Liam, she hadn't been able to get her head on straight. It had persisted through her show, and for whatever reason, her body had decided that if she and Liam were fighting, it wasn't going to cooperate either, so she'd had to endure a bunch of sneezing fits that night, and it had only taken about half an hour for her nose to start hurting. Her viewers—the regulars, at least—had been fine to just talk and tip her, and she hadn't really even needed to get undressed. She had taken off some clothes and wrapped a blanket mostly around herself, leaving certain parts of her skin uncovered so that she didn't get too hot, and she could have something to tease with, even though she had not felt at all sexy. She hadn't done incredible that night, but she hadn't done bad. Blake knew she couldn't depend on that sort of goodwill all the time, though, and that train of thought had fucked her up quite a bit throughout the past few days since then.

"Blake?"

Blake shook herself, blinking as she met the doctor's gaze again, "Sorry."

Guess that's as good a place to start as any.

"I had a fight with Liam," she started, going to run a hand through her hair, and then taking off her beanie once she remembered she was wearing that, "I'll get to that in a bit, but even though that's put me in a shit mood, and I haven't talked to him since then it's not the only thing that's been bothering me".

Dr. Cardaso nodded, "Go on."

"I had a show after we fought. I think only about twenty minutes after. So, I was in a shit mood, I didn't feel sexy, and I was also sneezing every five seconds, so I didn't feel physically or mentally up to doing what I would usually do and really putting on a show for my viewers. So, I sat there and cuddled up, and was even pretty much just wearing a blanket and showing almost nothing at one point. I just sat there and talked with them and shot the shit, and though a lot of people came in and left, a lot of my regular viewers—who are there almost every show and are the people that normally tip me—just seemed happy to chill and talk and tip me for random shit. I didn't make a ton of money, but more than I would have made working minimum wage for an 8-hour day. Even factoring in taxes."

"And that's been bothering you?"

"Not by itself. I... Later that night, I couldn't stop thinking about how nice that was, but how I can't really depend on that sort of goodwill regularly. And then that spiraled toward me realizing that I don't really have anyone that I can depend on like that at the moment. Liam is my boyfriend, but he was also a really good friend before that, when he wasn't really an option. Chloe is great, and she's usually there when I need her, but I know she has her own stuff going on, and both she and Liam are in other states at the moment. Other than that, I'm supposed to be able to depend on my family, but my grandparents are retired and already do too much for me, their son—my dad—is in jail, so as much as I love him I can't depend on him, and even though I didn't like it, I was depending on my mom for a while, but then she fucking died. And for a moment, I even thought about taking some of the money to set aside for myself, but I don't want that sort of help from her, and then that would be taking away from my dad, which is an absolute shit thing to do because he has zero resources, and his life will be absolutely fucked he gets out of prison, so he'll need all the help he can get."

As Blake let out a deep breath at the end of that, then took a few to try and calm herself down just a little bit, she found herself impressed by Dr. Cardaso's composure she would have expected most people to at least blink at a little mini tirade like that, but the doctor just gave her a slight sympathetic frown.

"So, you're feeling isolated. While you've done good so far with your chosen career path—or your side-gig, since you're still pursuing a different career through college—it's not as reliable as a steady paycheck, and sometimes you may not have the energy, or just may not have the right people in your chat room to make the sort of income you need to support yourself. Then emotionally and physically, you've also found yourself isolated, both by just your present circumstances and recent events in your relationships."

Blake nodded, "Pretty much."

"You mentioned Chloe; did you reach out to her about this?"

Blake nodded.

"She's great, and she gave me some good advice when I explained what happened with Liam. She did emphasize that distance from people definitely makes things more strained, whether it's in a romantic or platonic relationship, and she did her annoying thing where she presents both sides of the argument, where I either overreacted to the fight with Liam and what he said, or I reacted perfectly fine and he can go jump out a window and she'll help me push him out if that's what I want."

Dr. Cardaso laughed at that, smiling, " she sounds like a good friend."

"She is," Blake said, a hint of a smile tugging at her own lips under the mask.

Dr. Cardaso arched an eyebrow, "But?"

Blake sighed, "Even though there are certain things that I trust her with more than anyone, and certain things that I'll just talk to her about, our lives are still pretty separate. And I've never felt the same type of relationship with her that I have with my other friends. Like with Liam before we were a thing, or even with my roommate Marie before things got weird."

"And this exacerbates your fears about repeating your previous relationship, and pouring everything you have into your relationship with Liam?"

Blake nodded even as her chest grew tight, "He's amazing, and so are all of his friends that I've met. He's told me they want to hang out with me more, even without him, and I want to do the same. But at that same time, that means if anything ever happens between me and him, our friends would be torn, because they'd be both our friends, and it would probably end up with them mostly just hanging out with him, because they were his friends in the first place. And even without that, I'm... I don't know, jealous that he gets to hang out with his friends during break and seems like he's having a really fun time, while I'm not. I'm doing things that are important, and then I know are going to make me happier or at least less stressed in the future, but right now... I'm not happy unless I talk to him, or at least that's what was happening until we fought. And now, I'm just not happy. And I don't want to try making a new relationship with anyone here. Going around the town where they live is like a minefield for me and other than my family, there is nothing holding me to this place. I love my dad and my grandparents, but it's not the same as having friends my own age, and I can occupy myself, but since meeting Liam, I've become used to being around people, whether it's him or him and his friends, or even my roommates a little bit more often."

Leaning back, Blake put a hand to her face and then ran her nails through her hair, "Thought I would have taken care of this fucking issue once I started dating Liam."

Dr. Cardaso frowned at that, "Your isolation?"

Blake shook her head, "The opposite of that. Before I met Liam, I'd essentially spent the last few months on my own. I lived with Chloe over the summer, but like I said, we lived pretty separate lives. We do our shows on different schedules, and she has her own group of friends, and though she tried to include me with them, they're all just a bit older than I am and don't have the connection that she and I do. Plus, I was also just happy gaming and coding and spending time by myself. If I was a dude, I would be a stereotype for a CS major. But then I met Liam, and I just couldn't fucking stop thinking about him. I think it seemed like things got better because once I was actually with him, it didn't have to think about him because he was there and we were together, and everything was good. And even when there was a bit of tension, or I was stressed out, or when we had a fight, he was there when I needed him and if I didn't need him, or just needed some space, he wasn't there. But now, he's just not there at all. Phone calls aren't enough, and at the moment... I think a phone call would just make things worse."

"What did you two fight about?"

Blake hesitated for a moment, then took a deep breath and told her about the fight before getting to what she knew was really about.

"I don't know why it bugged me so much. Why it still bugs me. I haven't shared everything with him, so he's entitled to have some things that he doesn't share with me, but I think it's that he was specifically trying to get me to open up without doing the same. And I know that he was just concerned because I didn't sound like I was doing good, and that I should want him to be concerned in that way, but it was just so fucking annoying at that moment that I started getting short with him, and then I didn't want for that to continue, so I started flirting with him to strike and distract him."

"And then he told you to stop being cherry—your online persona?"

Blake nodded, "And that set me off and I fucking clapped back at him. I know that he didn't mean it in the way I accused him, where he's trying to separate me as his girlfriend from me as a Cam girl in order to deal with that, but that's the part that all my insecurities want me to believe is true, because he's just so fucking wonderful, that either I don't deserve him, or there has to be something wrong with him that he's hiding. And then the jealousy of him hanging out with his friends starts to turn into actual jealousy because I know those friends."

"Girls?"

Blake nodded, letting out a deep, annoyed sigh, "And one of them is literally the most gorgeous girl I've ever seen. And she's confident as fuck, which makes her even more attractive to the point where if I wasn't with Liam and I had met her, I would start trying to get into her pants. And I know she and Liam are just friends, and that she has a boyfriend or something now, and that even if she didn't, and even if she was trying to hit on Liam, I wouldn't have to worry about him. but knowing things like that doesn't always help when my insecurities are kicking in."

Dr. Cardaso took a deep breath, "Well, fortunately and unfortunately, you're not alone in that. We can work on some exercises to try and help change that line of thinking."

Blake arched an eyebrow, "Does it involve me looking in the mirror and telling myself how awesome I am?"

Dr. Cardaso snorted, "Yes and no, but only if you think that will work for you."

Blake rested her head in her hands, "At this point, I'm honestly willing to try anything. After getting his present, I'm too conflicted to make good decisions on my own."

"His present?"

Blake nodded, "We decided to send each other a Christmas presents. I sent him a fucking amazing one, though I don't know if he got it yet. I think he was supposed to get it the day of our fight, but I haven't checked since then. And his came a day later. He got me a beanie, some nice clothes and—"

Blake had to pause and swallow as her throat grew tight, "A necklace."

"Was there something special about the necklace?"

Blake reached down to her pocket without thinking about it. She wasn't wearing the necklace, not yet at least. That would be forgiving Liam, and she didn't know if she was ready for that yet. But she hadn't been able to just leave it in her room. Not after...

"Not the necklace itself, but the inscription that came with it."

If this were a romance, it would have been magically burned into her brain or something like that, and she would be able to recall it with perfect accuracy, but that wasn't how people's brains actually worked.

"The title was 'Grit', or, maybe that was the name of the necklace. It had an paragraph about how she—me—is strong and unshakable and keeps going no matter how much things hurt or how hard they get, and how she's beautiful because of the way she goes through life and how she is like a Pearl, because she embodies both grit and beauty, and how she is unstoppable and incredible, and a bunch of other things that made me cry by the time I was done reading it."

Blake had to swallow again and resisted wiping her eyes. She wasn't crying, but they were hot with tears, and she knew she would start crying if she touched them or even blinked too hard. It was an effort not to grasp the necklace and the little card with the inscription on it in her pocket and squeeze them tight.

"And I know he's not trying to manipulate me with that. That he pick that out and sent it way before we had that fight. But I also know that I shouldn't just think everything's OK because of the nice gesture, because that's exactly the sort of thing that Jamie would do to manipulate me. Chloe, unfortunately wasn't a lot of help on that, because she presented both sides."

"Which is what you think I'm going to do."

Blake shrugged, "You're a therapist. You're not supposed to give me the right answer or take sides."

Dr. Cardaso smiled, "You're right. I'm not going to examine both sides for you, since you and your friend seem to have already done that."

Blake gazed at her for a moment, "Then what is your advice?"

"That you need to do some thinking, as difficult as that is. But while you think about how you feel, and try to truly examine your emotions—with some of the exercises I'm going to give you to try and combat the insecurities that you should ignore, most of the time at least—you need to remember that the relationships where everything is perfect, aren't real. You are two different people, so whether it's with Liam, or a friend, or a family member, there are going to be times where you fight and disagree and agree and are incredibly happy with one another, and then sometimes can't stand each other. The important part though, is what you do after that. If you just Stew and decide to take space, if you go looking for another fight, or if you calmly address what happened, and try to work it out and dig it what is really eating one another. I can't really give too much more advice on that without Getting to know both of you, but just remember that a fight isn't the end of the world."

Blake spent a long moment in silence, mulling over the doctor's words.

"I think," she said, slowly, "I can try that."

Dr. Cardaso smiled, "Good. I'm not going to lie and say that it's easy, but even just deciding to do that is half the battle."

Taking a deep breath, Blake nodded then she frowned again.

"I also need to talk about my dad. He—he's who I would usually go to talk about things like this. I know that him being in prison changes that, and that I won't be able to have conversations the way I used to with him for a very long time, but...there are a lot of things that I could talk about with him, that I don't, because I'm scared, and they would involve...things he doesn't know about."

"Your sex work?"

Blake nodded, "I don't like keeping things from him, and I don't like that doing that makes me unable to talk with him about certain things, or that I need to guard myself, so that I don't slip up when I'm talking with him. But...I don't want him to be disappointed in me or look at me differently because of what I do, and even more importantly than that, I don't want him to think that this is something that he caused. Is there any way that I can do that?"

Dr. Cardaso considered her in silence for long enough that Blake's fingers started to grow twitchy.

Finally, she let out a deep breath, "Nothing is ever certain, unfortunately. Especially when talking about other people and their reactions. However, there are some exercises and strategies that we can try to at least try and minimize the unwanted outcome."

Blake nodded, leaning forward, "Let's do it."

Whatever it took. She hated feeling like this. And she wanted to everything in her power to make it stop.

A/N: Do you think this will fix everything? Or at least help? What do you think Blake is going to tell her dad?

Also: I know that for some of you this arc has seemed to drag on a bit, but it's almost done. Chapter 66 has everyone back in the same place again.

While I loved some of the character scenes in this arc, and feel that they added to the relationships and overall story, I know there is always room for improvement. If you dudes have any feedback on what chapters you think could be squished together, eliminated and referenced in another, or just sexed up (even another chapter with some cyber-sex or a show inserted somewhere in there) please let me know!