The Break-Up Ch. 03 - The Journey

"Please... don't make me watch this, pleaseee..." Abi was almost desperate... "Oh God, pleaseee." Abi was sobbing as she watched the scene begin to unfold.

Phil was a jock, while Abi had been very active in choir and theater. They had nothing in common. But Phil wanted her physically. And Phil always got what he wanted. At the senior picnic Phil had insisted that Abigail slip away into the woods with him. She didn't want to, but obediently went anyway. When they finally found a clearing it was not long before Phil had stripped and fucked Abigail roughly, who was laying only on pieces of her clothing that had been placed over the brush. It was over quickly. Phil got up and dressed turning his back to Abigail who was feeling a mixture of shame and insecurity

Abigail spoke softly, "I will miss you Phil, you know, after we graduate."

Phil turned and looked at her and laughed. "I'll miss your cunt! It has been nice having my own whore to use whenever I needed a cunt to fill. Maybe you can come visit me in the army. So whenever you need a fuck just show up at the base and if I'm busy there will be lots of other guys around to fuck you."

He laughed cruelly. Abigail blushed as she lay there naked with Phil's cum seeping from her pussy. She started to cry as she tried to dress herself. But she was trembling and shaking so badly she couldn't even get her t-shirt over her head.

"You don't need that." Phil grabbed the shirt from her hands and ripped it in half and then picked up her jeans and panties and threw them into the brush. "You don't need clothes you worthless cunt! Sluts like you should always be naked so everyone sees what they are!"

He laughed but by now Abigail was laying on the ground curled into a ball and sobbing.

"O poor little baby. Crying because you need to have your cunt filled again. Here how about this." Phil grabbed some of the brush growing there and then grabbed Abigail's hair and pulled her head back. He pushed the green brush into her mouth and then grabbed another handful and forced it into her pussy.

"There enjoy the Poison Ivy you cunt whore."

Abi was crying as she watched.

"It wasn't Poison Ivy. That idiot didn't know one plant from another."

She watched as he stalked off and left Abigail sobbing, naked and alone.

"He was killed 4 years later in Nam. I'm sorry he was killed and I honor his service, but... he was a cruel man."

Abi wiped her eyes as the scene melted away just as her high school best friend, Debbie, found her and took her in her arms. Another scene appeared immediately: Abigail and her mother sitting together playing monopoly. Abigail looked defeated, alone, bruised and scratched. Abi watched for a moment as the two of them played together awkwardly, even laughing together occasionally, mostly at Abi's poor skill on the game board.

"That is only remotely loving memory I have of my mother. That night after that horrible assault my mother was actually kind to me."

The image of her choir teacher, Mr. G., appeared as she remembered him - conducting a choir rehearsal! It was Debbie and her choir teacher who had rescued her after the assault. He had driven her home so she wouldn't have to be seen by the other kids and be subject to their taunts.

"I think the game was his idea actually. He told my mother to do something nice for me and that I needed a little love. That didn't come easy for her. She hardly knew what to do."

Abi choked up as tears welled in her eyes.

"Mr. G, my choir teacher in High School. He was so kind to me and so supportive and helpful. He was like a father, a father I never had. He always treated me with respect and kindness. He was always celebrating me. I thought it was strange at the time since I didn't feel I was worth much of anything. But now... what a gift he gave me." Her voice faded away and cracked with emotion. "He died of AIDS ten years later."

They moved again and images passed by Abi quickly, people long gone from her life including a number of lovers - mostly men who wanted something and who always got it. She saw images of her with men her own age and older men and Gary.

"Why did I always say yes? Why did I always consent? Did I actually ever consent? Why was I afraid of saying no?"

A young male face appeared smiling. Abi shuddered.

"Greg." Abi's now ex-husband. "I met him in college and even though we went out a long time something told me not to marry him. I never really loved him. But I was afraid to loose him. I guess I was so desperate for love and affection I thought I'd never meet anyone else."

The image melted and Abi saw Abigail sitting in an airport. "I know that airport and that gate. It is seared into my memory. I am going to Caracas to sing as an apprentice at the opera." Suddenly a young woman approached her carrying a large case.

"Hi! I'm Emma! I am the new principal violist!"

Emma sat next to Abigail. She had beautiful eyes and as her image melted away Abi could hear the strains of the Bach 1^st cello suite being performed by a viola. At the sound Abi's tears began to flow again.

"So gorgeous! Listening to her play was like being on a spiritual journey."

Abi watched as the image slowly morphed and there she saw Emma standing in front of a wire music stand, her hair pulled back, the viola stuck under her chin with her bow in her other hand.

"Emma..." Abi whispered longingly. Emma turned her head and smiled at Abi. "She was my love! My only love! Emma, I loved you so much."

As the image began to melt Abi spoke, "Don't go, please don't go my beloved friend." She sighed deeply as she wiped her eyes. "We were so close for a while, but I ruined the relationship. I was so immature. Why did I always ruin everything that was good in my life? I still do it. I ruin everything! Why do I always make bad choices?"

Images of Emma rained down upon Abi - the two of them laughing; making love; exploring Canaima and Mérida together; sitting on the beach; Emma in the orchestra pit leading her section; Abigail picking an argument; waving goodbye forever when Emma left for a new job.

"She was such a wonderful player and a wonderful person. She left to take a big orchestra job and 10 years later she died of ovarian cancer." Abi was sobbing now and speaking through her tears, "She even sent me a card congratulating me in the birth of my youngest only weeks before she died. She was that thoughtful." Abi paused to regain her composure and wiped her face with her hands.

She sighed deeply and then spoke again to her Guide, "She was right to break it off with me. I think she loved me too, but we were so different at that time. I was so immature and I had no work ethic at all. But Emma worked so incredibly hard. When she wasn't in rehearsal or performance she was always practicing. She taught me something about the importance of working hard though watching how committed she was." Abi paused, she could have talked about Emma for hours. " But I think we would have ultimately been unhappy together. I miss her so much! Why do all the wonderful people have to die?"

For the first time the Guide turned and Abi saw her eyes, "I know. This is the way life is. Death is part of life. Celebrate death as a part of the circle of life. But I also think that we humans in the west especially are all so greedy and selfish that we end up killing ourselves and our loved ones with the way we abuse our world and each other."

The images continued to pass by - Abigail stripped of a shift in the middle of act 1 of Rigoletto on stage as she played the raped daughter of Monterone; Abi stripped at a party in front of a group of well dressed and wealthy older men and women while she sang "Caro mio ben," then Abigail providing oral comfort to all of the guests and letting some of them spank her

"This is how you know we love you."

Abigail participating in this orgy, this group...

Abigail caring for a friend who had been raped; Abigail giving birth; Abigail finally taking the lessons she learned from Emma and forcing herself to work hard which led to her earning her PhD; Abigail being appointed to a tenure track teaching position; Abigail defying her friends and husband by defending one of her undergrads who had been assaulted by a colleague; Abigail doing post-doctoral work; Abigail signing on for a summer of archeology in Crete; Abigail having a torrid love affair with Nigel, a young British archeologist,

"Abi, you are brilliant and beautiful why do you insist on always being so down on yourself."

His voice echoed in her mind. "I would have married him if I had not already been married." Her voice dripped with regret and sadness. "Well, and if he hadn't been married." She sighed, "He was so supportive and caring. We had a beautiful summer together."

By this time the images were flying by her at a high speed. They came at her and seemed to fit into two categories - Abi the weak child who has no self-esteem and allowed others to use her at will and Abi the professional who worked hard, was talented and smart and also who was kind and exceptionally considerate. Abi wondered if all of this was a part of the same woman. Was this all her?

She saw in short clips, the faces of 20 years of students; the birth of her children and their childhood; the infirmity and death of her mother.

"I tried so hard at the end. But she never acknowledged me. To her I was never good enough. I was always a poor excuse for a daughter. But I have tried to be a better mother for my children."

Then there was Greg, her husband belittling her. And on that night, not so long ago, she saw herself grab her suitcase and drive away almost running him over with her car in the process. She saw Emily and Rachel, and their living room. Abi was laying in the middle of the room and it was still spinning and spinning. With the spinning room in the background, the Goddess Guide suddenly stood before in front of her, face to face gazing in to her eyes. What Abi saw there was love and determination. Not only that but the Guide glowed as if she was wrapped in the light of the stars and the moon. And for the first time, the Guide smiled at Abi and slowly handed her the torch, and then placed the keys in Abi's other hand and finally handed her the sword. Then placing her hand on Abi's chest she pushed hard. Abi fell backwards... spinning and spinning and falling... spinning... falling...

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Abi awoke with a start. She had passed out and she immediately realized she had vomited all over herself and the floor. The incense was gone and most of the candles had gone out, the couple that remained lit only flickered weakly. She looked past her makeshift altar to the window. It was dark outside, but she could see just the beginnings of light. She looked at the clock on the wall: 5:22. She tried to stand but fell back, still a little dizzy and she noticed her head was beating with an intense headache. Slowly she pulled herself up and staggered to the bathroom, put her robe in the sink with some soap to soak, made herself some coffee and then set about cleaning herself and the floor. After finishing that task she put on her bathrobe leaving it hang open and went back out into the living room with her coffee and sat by the turret window looking out over the dark city as the day began to dawn. She was still groggy, and feeling weak, a bit ill and overall dazed.

She sat quietly and watched as the sun rose over the city. It was beautiful, the way the sunlight illuminated the fall colors of the leaves. After a while she realized that she was feeling a little better. She also noted that a sense of peace had come over her. The darkness she had been experiencing these last couple weeks seemed to have begun to lift. It was not long before she had drifted off to sleep again sitting in the chair.

She awoke again with a start and looked across the room at the clock - 8:47. She got up and set about removing all of her ritual items from the living room. She also realized that she was going to have to work a little harder on cleaning the carpet. Then she checked her phone that had been off since early the previous evening. First a text, from Eric - the boy who had gotten so angry with her after class on Thursday that he had exploded and called her a bitch in front of several other students. It was this incident that had pushed Abi into the deep darkness that had settled over her and from which she felt she was beginning to emerge.

"Professor, I would like to apologize for what I said last Thursday. I was out of line and I am sorry."

Abi thought for a bit, then typed.

"Eric, thank you for you text. I accept your apology. I would like you to come by my office next week. Let's see if we can find a resolution to our disagreement. Please text me some times that work for your schedule. Have a nice weekend." She would make an effort to find a solution that enabled the boy to maintain his GPA.

There was a text from Tyler, her daughter Katie's friend and lover.

"Hi, just wondering if you wanted me to come over?"

Abi remembered that there had been some innuendo and suggestion that perhaps she ought to take a younger lover. Ever obsessively trying to please others she had considered agreeing, though she was uncomfortable with the idea. She shook her head, "No, not a good idea."

"Hi Tyler, thanks for the offer. But I don't think so. I'm doing well, but maybe when I move I could take you up on your offer to help me with the heavy stuff along with Rob and Will."

Next she turned to her voice mail to listen to a message from the Haverman's letting her know that they had finalized their plans and would be leaving in two weeks. If she would like to house sit they would love to have her. She made a mental note to call them in order to finalize this arrangement.

Lastly, she opened Safari and typed "Is it advisable to drink alcohol while smoking Marijuana?" The answer confirmed her suspicions:

Is it safe to mix weed and alcohol? It's not, and below is a summary of the reasons why.

• When you use an alcohol and weed combination, your body will absorb more THC, which can lead to adverse side effects.

• Using a combination of alcohol and weed is more likely to cause psychotic symptoms such as paranoia and panic.

• When you combine alcohol and weed, you're more likely to experience "greening out" which is a sick feeling following the use of marijuana.

She sighed deeply and shook her head. What was done was done, but it was rather thoughtless to have not considered this ahead of time. She was grateful for the journey, but disgusted with herself for being so reckless.

It was now 10:30 in the morning. She opened her YouTube app and did a search for Mozart. The first thing to come up - "Incarnatus Est... ex Maria Virginae" from the incomplete Mass in C minor. She clicked on that and started it playing. What an incredibly beautiful aria. Marian devotion has its roots in the ancient devotion to the Goddess Artemis, which in turn can be traced back to Ishtar/Innana and the Minoan Goddess Therasia. She did not consider herself a Christian, even though she occasionally attended Mass. But the theology of the Incarnation had always meant a lot to her. Incarnation = the en-fleshing of the deity in human form; The God/Goddess coming and living (tenting is the word from John 1) among us and loving us through others. Her Goddess had come to her and she had realized that despite the bad times and her struggles the Goddess was always there working through the few folks throughout her life from whom she experienced unconditional love: Mr. G, her choir teacher, Debbie, Emma, Nigel and several others who had managed to be there when she needed someone most and who had supported and loved her unconditionally. This was a gift - a gift of incarnation. Emily and Rachel were also an experience of the incarnation, she thought, the visitation of the Goddess. She, herself, Abi/Abigail, was also to be a vessel of love to others in the midst of a hateful, greedy and selfish world, run by selfish and hateful men.

For a moment she felt pity: pity for all of those who had blocked off love by embracing hate and greed; pity for those who never were able to truly experience a taste of the glories of the heavenly realm by entering into an intimate relationship as equals with another person. "If you abide in me..." these words, from John's Gospel took on a new meaning for her now as she listened to the soprano singing Mozart's glorious musical celebration of the incarnation.

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Epilog:

"Hi, did you miss us?" Emily and Rachel unlocked the door.

Abi was sitting in the living room wearing her glasses and reading. She looked up, smiled and removed her glasses. "Welcome home."

She got up and gave them both a hug and a kiss.

"Have a nice time?"

"I did!" said Rachel with a laugh.

"It was work for me!" Emily chimed in.

Rachel set her bags down and looked around. "What the... Shit, this house is spotless. Abi what have you done?"

Abi blushed as Emily looked around. "I... I cleaned up a bit."

"A bit?" said Emily, "It is cleaner than it has ever been."

"Abi sighed, "Why don't you get settled and come back. I have something to talk with you about."

The women looked at each other and went down the hall. In about 10 minutes they were back in the living room.

"I need to tell you," Abi said slowly, "That I used some of your pot while you were gone."

Rachel shrugged, "Sure."

"I... I had smoked a bit in college and so I thought I knew how to do it, so I lit it and took 4... or 5... or 6 deep drags."

"O shit, Abi..." said Emily.

"That's not all. I also drank a large chalice of mead."

"With the pot?" Rachel and Emily looked at each.

"Hon, you should have texted us, we would have given you a warning not to mix pot and alcohol."

"I know. You're right. I'm sorry. But I was depressed so I didn't think of it. Anyway, well... it made me sick." A pause... "really sick... for about 12 hours."

"How do you feel now?" said Emily, the licensed psychologist looked skeptical as she slipped into her professional mode. Rachel meanwhile, sat quietly staying out of Emily's way.

Abi had expected this response from Emily, "I feel a little shaky but much better than I did. Honest, I have been eating and have been careful since and I have not had any more to drink."

Emily looked at Abi with a look of both severity and compassion, "I have to ask. You said you were depressed. Did you do this on purpose?"

Abi responded defensively, "No... No absolutely not. Honest. Look, here look at my phone, I didn't look up the consequences until Saturday morning after I woke up from being passed out."

Emily looked cautious but didn't take the phone.

"Honest Emily, I swear, I would never do something like that on purpose. I would never do that to my children. It was just me being typically brainless about things. I'm sorry."

There was silence for a moment.

Abi began to tear up, "I'm really sorry for betraying your trust." She looked at Rachel and then to Emily.

"You don't have to apologize to us, as long as you are ok, that is all we care about." Emily's voice was gentler.