The Break-Up Ch. 03 - The Journey

Thank you for reading. This installment presumes you have read parts 1 and 2, though it can be read on its own. I apologize in advance for three things - 1. For those who think it is unseemly for a professional woman (my main character Abi) to be struggling and making questionable decisions in the midst of her crisis I would say that crisis pushes people to do inappropriate things and if this really bothers you then this story is not for you. 2. There is not a lot of sex in this episode. If that is what you are looking for you will be disappointed. 3. I tried very hard to correct typos and spelling and grammatical errors. But I am sure that there will be a few that may have escaped my notice. I apologize in advance.

There are two musical pieces referenced in the narrative - Bach's 1^st Cello Suite, Prelude performed on Viola and Mozart's "Incarnatus est" for Solo Soprano, Flute, Oboe and Bassoon with strings from the incomplete Mass in C Minor. I encourage you to find and listen to these works as part of the reading.

Writing this was cathartic for me. I hope you enjoy reading it.

The Journey

Abi sat on the small bed in her little room in the apartment she was now sharing with Emily and her roommate/lover Rachel. The two younger women had welcomed Abi graciously and generously and Abi was very grateful to them. But, at the same time she was conflicted. On the one hand these two young women had opened their home and invited Abi to not only live in their extra little "servant's" room, but had invited her into their life-style, a life-style that was very open, loving and physical; where affection was shared openly and no one held secrets but shared everything - everything: their activities, the time they spent with others, their fantasies and they even felt no qualms about expressing this intimacy out in the open, including self-intimacy. These young women were about 20 years younger than Abi and she felt self-conscious and guilty around them. She had grown up learning to keep secrets - and sex, and her sexual needs, were all part of the secret. She had had so many sexual adventures over the years so it wasn't that Abi was a prude. In fact, part of her found their attitude quite liberating, but at the same time something strong inside of her made her want to hide alone in her room.

Ultimately, Abi realized, it was fear that lay at the root of her discontent: Fear of rejection and fear of being considered "dirty" and therefore unworthy! It was fear of being considered less than a "proper professional" woman. After all women are not supposed to be openly sexual. They are not supposed to have sexual needs and fantasies or to be open about what they want. At every turn throughout her life, despite the seeming openness of many around her (including her family) the message was pounded into her: this was not the way "real respectable" women are supposed to behave. The truth was that Abi wanted to open herself; she wanted to join them. She knew they wanted her to as well. But she couldn't. She was emotionally blocked. She was used to hiding, to keeping secrets, to being alone with her thoughts and her needs.

As she sat there musing she was struck by the absurdity of it all. Professor, Dr. Abigail Saunders who had once allowed herself to be stripped naked while singing at a private party and who had subsequently orally serviced every man and woman at that small gathering; who had appeared naked on stage during a performance of the opera "Rigoletto"; who had participated in sex parties in grad school with her boyfriend and later husband; who had always been exceptionally sexual - this Abi now found that despite her vast experience, years of rejection and shaming had buried this part of her, and that the shell she had constructed around her emotional self had grown hard and impenetrable.

And so, on this Friday evening, Abi sat in her room in the apartment completely alone for the first time since she moved in. Emily and Rachel had gone off for the weekend. And for the first time since she had left her home and her husband, Abi felt deeply and profoundly alone! Her children were gone into their own lives; her husband had rejected and abandoned her for not quite measuring up; her students, she was certain, all hated her, after all she went out of her way to be rigid and demanding. Just a day earlier in fact one male student had gotten so upset with her that he called her a "bitch" to her face in front of a couple other students. Abi had retained her composure until she returned to her office and then fell sobbing into her desk chair. She didn't even report the incident as something deep inside of her seemed to agree with the student. The exchange had pushed her deeper into her dark place. A place she had been hovering around the edges of ever since she had left her husband. She was truly alone. She had no one! She was nothing!

As she sat feeling empty, a wave of sadness washed over her and she felt tears begin to well up in her eyes. Suddenly, her phone buzzed. A student! She was tired of students. She would respond later. But the phone had startled her out of her reverie and so after shutting off her phone completely, she stood, placed the phone on her dresser and walked into the living space. She wanted to hide tonight and did not need or want her phone distracting her. She picked up a flyer from the local Domino's pizza that lay on top of a pile of mail, dialed the number and ordered a pizza to be delivered. The girl on the phone told her 35 minutes for delivery so she figured she had just enough time to take a quick shower before the pizza arrived.

She went back to her room and undressed as she was still dressed in her suit from work. She lazily removed her dark blue blazer and matching skirt, panties, bra and stockings, taking time to hang up her suit and discard the dirty clothes in her laundry basket. Then, naked, she walked to the bathroom grabbing a towel from the linen closet as she went past it in the hall. She turned on the shower, got in and simply stood there letting the warm water drench her from head to toe. She washed and rinsed her hair and then picking up her bar of scented soap she proceeded to use it to wash her body. Abi loved to collect different soaps from art fairs with a variety of scents. She had never gotten into the whole liquid body-wash craze. She liked bars of soap! The soap she bought contained little hard pieces that looked like rice. These made the soap a little scratchy. She allowed herself to rub this scratchy soap between legs against her most sensitive parts and it wasn't long before she felt herself begin to moisten and tingle. She leaned against the shower wall and rubbed herself for what seemed to Abi as a way too brief an amount of time. Finally she forced herself to stop, turned off the water and just as she stepped out of the shower she heard the door buzzer. Quickly pulling on a robe, she grabbed some money and opened the door looking like a drowned rat. She collected her food and gave the boy a nice tip. And after locking the door she sat on the floor in her robe in the middle of the living room to eat the pizza.

As she finished eating she looked up and saw a little container sitting on a shelf. She knew this container. It was Emma and Rachel's pot. Marijuana was legal now in this state. She had tried it when she was much, much younger - back when it was illegal and she and her family and friends had to enjoy a joint secretly. But it didn't have to be a secret now. She got up and walked to the container and found a slightly burned joint. Should she? Could she? Would it be wrong? Rachel had invited her to join her and Emily in the past, but she had declined and taken refuge in her room. She was alone now. No one had to know. She picked it up, smelled it and then set it down. She felt nervous, but a little excited about the prospect of experimenting a bit. Perhaps she could include it in her religious ritual. She had gotten so depressed she had not even bothered to perform what before had been a weekly (at least) ritual of singing and dancing in honor of her Pagan Goddess, Hekate. This was for her a personal and private ritual that she had found both comforting and exhilarating. It gave her strength and confidence. But she had been so depressed she had neglected this spiritual dimension of her life completely. She looked at the pot and mulled it over in her head.

In the Ancient world, hallucinogenic drugs were an important part of religious ritual. These drugs would induce trances and would enable the priest or priestess to experience visions, communicate with the gods and learn important things about themselves and their communities that they could then share for the health of the community. In her own Pagan rituals she had never used drugs, except perhaps a little alcohol. She actually never drank, except in the context of her ritual life. But maybe this was something to try. Marijuana was not a strong drug and not really hallucinogenic, or so she thought. But it might be just the thing to relax her and help her experience the presence of the Goddess who she had been neglecting. She needed this. "Well, so be it!" she resolved.

In preparation for her ritual she cleaned up what was left of the pizza and she brought out her statue of the Goddess Hekate and placed it on a small table that she moved to the center of the room. It was a small bronze statue and the Goddess was represented by three connecting figures - one carrying a torch, another a set of key and the last a sword. These represented the various dimensions of the Goddess: Hekate is a Psychopomp - a guide to lead the spirits of the dead to the place of rest. For Abi this also meant that Hekate was there in the midst of darkness and of living death experiences; she was present with those who were on the edges of society, those who are abandoned and alone. Consequently Hekate was a Goddess of the night and used her torch to lead, reveal and comfort. At the same time, Hekate held the keys of potential, the keys of locked memory, the keys of freedom, the keys to unlock the possibility of healing and growth. Hekate was Goddess of the crossroads and she held the sword to defend those who were vulnerable, uncertain, aimless and alienated. The torch, the keys and the sword - all symbols of the Goddess!

Next to the statue Abi next placed a variety of candles, her libation bowel, a large chalice and some incense. But she was not content with those simple little sticks of incense. Abi had taken herself one day to a store that provides supplies for Catholic liturgies and there she had bought herself a couple boxes of Frankincense and some easy lighting charcoals. She struck a match and lit the candles and the charcoal placing the latter on a heat-resistant plate. Finally she sprinkled a little of the incense granules on it. The smoke billowed up immediately. A little goes a long way! "Shit, what about the fire alarms?" She looked around. The fire alarm in the living room was disabled. "I should fix that afterwards," she thought to herself. As the smoke began to fill the room she opened a window just to vent the room with a little fresh air.

Finally, she returned to her little room and brought out her robe and a bottle of mead. She set the mead on the table that was now serving as a makeshift altar. Finally she turned all of the lights off, removed her bathrobe and put on her ritual robe, which she had made and decorated. It was colorful, made from piecing fabric of a variety of colors together. It fit loose on her shoulders and remained open in front. She was thus exposed and vulnerable, which was the point.

She raised her arms, closed her eyes began to hum and then sing an incantation from the Magical Papyri...

"AKROKODÊRE MOUISRÔ CHARCHAR ADÔNAI ZEUS DÊ DAMNAMENEUS KYNOBIOU EZAGRA

IÔ, all-powerful goddess

and IÔ all-guarding one;

IÔ all-sustaining One,

ZÊLACHNA: and SAAD SABIÔTHE NOUMILLION NATHOMEINA"

"Lovely Hekate of the roads and of the crossroads I invoke thee..."

She improvised a tune in a chant-like manner singing words from an adapted translation of the Orphic Hymn to Hekate.

"Beautiful Maiden, I beseech thee to come to this holy rite; ever with joyful heart, ever favoring the suppliant..."

She stepped up to the Altar, lit the Marijuana cigarette inhaling multiple times, like she thought she remembered she had done so many years before in her youth, not realizing that with the legalization of pot its potency had increased somewhat.

She set the pot down next to the incense and then lifted the mead and poured it into the large chalice. Then holding it over the libation bowel she poured out about a quarter of what was contained in the chalice into the bowel as an offering.

"Lovely and beautiful Hekate, to you I offer this libation. With it I offer myself. Come to this holy rite; guide me with your torch; unlock my heart with your keys; defend me with your sword."

She drank all the remaining mead from the chalice, took a few more drags from the joint and continued her chanting...

"Lovely Hekate..."

She continued to sing and she started to gently dance around the altar.

It was not long though before she felt things started to change. She began to feel sweaty and the room slowly seemed to become unstable as if it were rocking back and forth. It then began to move faster and faster until it started to spin. Abi dropped to her knees and stopped singing as she could no longer continue her chant. She held herself up with her hands and knees, her breasts hanging down and swaying below the open robe which itself hung on her body. A feeling of nausea came over her as she fell to the floor and passed out.

+++

Abi slowly opened her eyes but could see nothing. She was enveloped in an intense darkness. She lay quietly without moving for a moment, listening to her rapid heart rate and ragged breathing. Where was she? What had she done? Was she dead? She felt a shiver of fear pass through her body when suddenly a torch appeared before her. The torch lit up the darkness, but there was nothing to see except her own naked body as her robe had disappeared. She looked to see the bearer of the torch.

"Who are you?" She whispered.

She could barely make out the features of a face - a woman's face - a beautiful... stunningly beautiful face... more beautiful than any face she had ever seen before. The face was wrapped in a cloak and if there was a body it too was wrapped in a translucent robe. A hand reached out and took Abi by the hand and lifted her up. The hand was gentle but firm and shortly Abi could sense that she was being led forward through what appeared to be a dark tunnel. The torch held by the Guide lighted their way. Abi's initial fear was now gone, replaced by a feeling of warmth and comfort. She would follow no matter where she was being led, even if she was being led to the underworld.

The Guide suddenly swiped her torch from left to right through the darkness and as she did the darkness literally melted away in front of them and revealed a kitchen in a small apartment which was filled with angry screaming, crying and the sound of breaking glass. Abi took in a sharp breath and cried out softly as she recognized the scene. There in that apartment kitchen stood her young mother and natural father. He was drunk and angry, exactly how Abi remembered him - always in a drunken rage. As Abi watched the scene unfold, she saw that her parents were in the middle of an intense fight. She could hear the yelling and screaming but could not make out any of the words, only the tone of intense anger with her father occasionally pushing and striking her mother and throwing dishes. As Abi watched horrified, her attention was suddenly drawn to a door in the corner of the kitchen. Behind the door there was a small bedroom, and in that bedroom, painted a sickly pink, a little girl, 5 years old, had climbed into the closet, closed the door and curled up into a ball with her arms around her knees. She was hugging her knees tight and crying hard, but softly, as she was terrified.

"That's... that's me!" Abi could hardly speak.

She felt the feelings of terror and alienation she had felt living in that apartment so many years before. She wanted to rush over and hug her little self, dry her tears and comfort her. But then she heard a loud crash, her mother screamed and fell to the floor, blood pouring from her mother's face as she grabbed a kitchen towel and held it against the laceration. Suddenly her father was gone. Abi watched as her mother sat on the floor, crying, rocking herself and holding the towel against her face. After a little while the little girl seemed to notice that the shouting had stopped and so slowly crept out of the closet and carefully looked into the kitchen. He was gone.

"He never came back. I never saw him again." Abi commented softly.

With a broken voice the little girl, Abigail, spoke, "Mommy?"

The mother's head snapped towards the voice, and she spoke harshly "What are you sneaking around for? Go back to your room until I tell you to come out!"

Abi wanted to scream at her mother but the image began to melt away.

"She was abused and very damaged. But I have never been able to forgive how she cruel she always was to me."

As she said this another image began to take shape: Her stepfather with his handsome face and friendly smile spanking her naked mother who was bent over the kitchen table with her hands tied to the table legs,

"This is how you know I love you!"

Abi had been hiding and had watched this and had heard the voice loud and clear. Those words echoed in Abi's ears and made her shiver. Spanking had always been a part of Abi's life - she was spanked often and found it became a kind of sexual obsession for her as she grew into adulthood. She could never quite understand why this was.

This image too was shortly gone, melted away like the previous one. She was flying now, holding the hand of her Guide as images from her life flew past her as the torch led Abi forward. Then a new face emerged, it was Gary, her stepbrother smiling at her as he sat on the edge of her bed. The girl in the bed, Abigail, was celebrating her 18^th birthday.

"I promised you a special treat on your birthday."

As he spoke to her, he slipped his hand under the covers and began to caress her thighs underneath her nightgown. Slowly he worked his hand up higher and higher exploring all of her body, her breasts and then down over her tummy and over her pubic mound he played with her hair until he finally slipped his finger between her labia and began rubbing with her clit. Abigail whimpered.

"That's me too," Abi whispered.

"So..." Greg spoke, "Do you want your present?"

The girl nodded enthusiastically and slipped out of the bed and bent over the edge of the bed. Gary pulled up her nightgown and bared her ass and then gave her 18 little spanks.

"This is how you know I love you."

Abi shivered again and shook her head. "That isn't love," she whispered.

By the end of the spanking Abigail was very wet and whimpering as she lay back on the bed and Gary dropped his pajama bottoms revealing his hard cock. Abigail sat up and took his cock in her mouth and then he pushed her back and climbed on top of her.

"My first time."

The scene melted away, and now they were in the woods. Abigail, about to graduate high school, had slipped away from the rest of the senior class with her sometimes boyfriend Phil.