The Carrot and the Condom

The strange incident of the carrot and the condom

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a short story by Vee Cesario

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(revised 2023)

This is a work of pure fiction, any resemblance to actual events or people is coincidental

The strange incident of the carrot and the condom

"Hi" he said. "I've seen you jogging". Taller than me, he had that classic V-shaped athletic build that swimmers have. Instantly I liked his smile and blue-grey eyes. His brown hair was short, not a buzz-cut, but tidy - he probably didn't need to comb it.

I tried to remember, but I couldn't. I hope I had looked OK jogging - it tends to be in the evening when I can get someone to watch Sean and I have only just started on the new regime to get my figure back. So my jogging kit is still new and I still make an effort to look good in it. But I really don't do much jogging. Apart from anything, even with the largest sports bra I could find the swinging and bumping is uncomfortable, to say the least. I've only just stopped breast feeding and my body still hasn't really taken notice of the decision my mind has made. And also, I have to make sure I don't drink for a while before and I mean just like water I don't mean alcohol although not alcohol either because that makes you pee. Before any exercise, like laughing. Or sneezing. You know why. Unconsciously I started doing my clenching. It really does work, but I've only being doing it a couple of weeks, and it needs to work because I don't think it is good to sweat when you don't have anything to sweat, like last night. And I am always so thirsty.

"Was that last night? I didn't see you?"

He laughed.

"I wasn't jogging"

Suddenly I felt insecure - was there a whole community of hidden voyeurs out there looking for women jogging?

"I think you must live down the street from me - I've seen you a couple of times in the evening from my kitchen window"

Things were looking up - I had only just set off and so was jogging - oh unless he saw me going back, I hope not - but more importantly either he is single or is the man who will be in the kitchen. Single. The man who would be in the kitchen probably wouldn't be chatting me up. A sexist thought perhaps but I think true.

"Oh really? whereabouts?"

"Glebe house, ground floor, number 3. "

"OK" That was a couple of doors down from my flat.

"I'm Simon, by the way"

"Oh - Lisa." Suddenly flustered, I offered my hand awkwardly.

"That yours?" He indicated Sean, fast asleep in his buggy. I don't know that I liked Sean being called "that" but I was taken off-guard, and to be honest I had almost forgotten he was there, now suddenly he was and he might be waking up soon and wanting a feed. As soon as I had thought that I realised that I had decided to stop breast feeding and my breasts decided all on there own that maybe I hadn't. I could feel it coming, they would let down any minute. I wanted to check that I had remembered to put in the pads but I couldn't really start feeling my tits in front of him. Not in front of anyone, really. I felt fat and ungainly and I was sure I must smell of milk. Why did it have to be now that I met this lovely man?

"Yes. This is Sean"

"How old is Sean?" Interesting he said "Sean" and not "he". Didn't he know Sean is a boy's name? Or was he being patronising?

"Just 8 months"

"Then still breastfeeding?"

What?? I might expect another woman to say that, but a man, the first time we met? And I wish he hadn't. I really wish he hadn't. My boobs were on hair-triggers. I felt the milk starting to flow and wished I was wearing a heavy coat or there was somewhere to hide or I could just disappear.

"I've just stopped"

I managed to get out and tried to think of something else to say to change the subject. I couldn't, I just stood there like lemon, tongue-tied and looking at him. His nose bent slightly to the left. Or right. His, or mine. I have difficulty with that, sometimes I think I should label my shoes on the top so I can just check when someone gives me directions which way I have to go. Whatever his line in conversation, he was really tasty. Nice hands. Large. Why was it now I had to meet him?

He laughed again. I like that laugh.

"Sorry for asking - it is just my job."

"You are a doctor?" Suddenly I felt a whole lot better.

"In training"

In training. Karl had been in training, not a doctor, but for the army, when I met him in that bar in Cairo the first evening of our holiday. I can't remember which of my friends had suggested roaming around the sights of Egypt, looking back two weeks on a Greek island would have been a better choice. But at least we got to see stuff before the country got too dodgy. Karl was Sean's dad. He was a one-night stand without any condoms and in my slightly inebriated state I had remembered that there was such a thing as the morning-after pill. But I had forgotten about the language barrier and the fact that there was no health service and in any case a woman asking for birth control was not really a socially acceptable thing in a country like Egypt. I shrugged it off a something to be sorted out later if need be. We saw pyramids, we spent a night in the desert, more pyramids, we did all the usual tourist things and back in the UK two weeks later Karl was a distant memory. He was never going to be more than a one-night; I wanted a hard body and he wanted a soft one. I didn't care what was in his head, so long as there were sufficient neurons to work the sexy bits and he probably felt the same.

For some reason I decided to carry on with the pregnancy when the truth brought its cold hard light a couple of denied months later. Actually I didn't just carry on with it - I got back in touch with Karl via some friends, well hardly with Karl, really I stalked him a bit. Just to find out. I didn't want offspring of a moron, or of the devil. Turns out he was OK. My Mum had something to do with that and she has been great. She dotes on Sean. I love her to bits. I love my dad as well.

That was all yesterday and we got on really well and he was really sympathetic about my tits when I had to say something because Sean woke up and then that made the milk really come and I got wet patches. He hasn't decided what sort of doctor to be but I think he would make a good gynaecologist. Or plastic surgeon. And he asked me if I could go out for a drink with him "after your jog tomorrow". Which is tonight and I said "Instead of my jog" straight away because then I thought I didn't have to think about asking for extra Sean-watching time which I got wrong anyway because today is Wednesday and Paula can't do Wednesdays. So I asked my Mum to come and stay the night because it is a good hour's drive from their house. Which is why we are now in Simon's flat. We didn't really waste much time with the drinking bit.

I broke the kiss, and with my forearms resting on his shoulders I looked into his eyes. I think because he's a doctor - well, in training - I think that's why I feel I can just say anything because, well they know about bodies and deal with them every day and so why should you be embarrassed? I mean I know he is a doctor because I asked lots of questions and found out where he is studying and what hours he is working (lots) and people he is working with but I suppose telling people you are a doctor would be a good way to get their confidence so they just say things like I did then.

"I think you are getting excited. I can feel your penis growing bigger and getting hard" Maybe I wasn't embarrassed but looking back he was only in training and perhaps he was not as cool as I thought because it stopped getting hard. But that was only a temporary setback and we're on his bed now. And his penis is very big and very hard and inches from my eyes and I feel incredibly randy. He is laid back, head craned up to look at me between his legs and we've got naked, totally and I haven't been totally naked with a man for.. well I wasn't with Karl actually and really that was wasted, awful to think that you actually were never naked with the father of your child and.. anyway here we are lovely and naked and I am so glad I did all that practise with vegetables when I was a teenager, because this penis is large and I am going to swallow it all. I want it between my legs really but first there is a lot of nice other things I want to do. And I want him to do.

But there is lots of time because I want to see this man every day and I think he wants to see me as well. So right now I am going to enjoy kissing it, tasting him, stroking him, feeling his balls - seems like he likes that! Maybe I can get him to shave them because I want to suck his balls but don't fancy it right now. I said I had done lots of practise with vegetables. Well I have - carrots mostly and I am talking about deep-throat before you get any other ideas. I felt it is a skill that you have to learn - Paula used to say that but actually I was better at it than she was - on carrots, that is. This is a lot bigger than most of the carrots, though. I remember once I was in the kitchen with a carrot practising with a condom in my mouth - you know, putting it on without touching with my hands, you have to kind of suck it in but hold the roly bit back with your lips and push down and if you do it right it just goes on in one movement - when Mum came home. She didn't see because I put the carrot back quickly but it still had the condom on. Then we were talking about stuff and I forgot. Until the next morning when I remembered. But the condom had gone.

And so had the carrot. Several of the carrots had gone and I realised with a sickening feeling that we had had carrots for supper, with other stuff you understand, not just carrots - that would be strange and a little bit sad - the day before. The condom was nowhere to be seen. No one had said anything. Not Mum, not Dad, not Paula. I should have said, Paula is my big sister, well older, I am actually taller, and bigger at the moment, in fact just generally bigger since I was about 15. No one had said anything. What was even more mortifying was that it was my Dad who generally prepared the veg. He would have found it. Or not. Did we eat it? It was not in the sink. Or did it just somehow come off with the peelings unseen and get thrown away? I looked in the bin, where there were carrot peelings in a bag. I had my hands in the bag when Dad came in to get his breakfast. He just said like all matter-of-fact

"I saw it had pink lipstick on it" That was all. Mum wears red, always. I love him. I could just imagine the conversation they had had. Mum would have said "And we ate it?" and he'd have said "Well, I washed it." End of.

All that practise and I never used one with Karl. Won't make that mistake again. This I hope is definitely more than a one-night stand but right now one kid is enough.

"Have you got a condom?"

"Sure" One appears in his hand, from the bedside cabinet. Quickly. Very quickly. Maybe too quickly. Mental note to take an inventory. I want this wonderful penis inside me, and inside me is where it wants to be. But first, I must show off my oral skills, and I take the condom from him before he can do it himself. He watches, fascinated, as I undo it, put it in my mouth, and then with one swift movement roll it effortlessly onto his hard cock. I go right down to the base, as his glans hits the back of my throat he groans, lays back his head and shuts his eyes. My hands are on the tight muscles of his stomach, caressing. Hairy. I could get my fingers stuck. This is the man I want for the rest of my life. He smells lovely and I pull up slowly, because I need to breathe and because I want this wonderful hard length inside me.

As the end leaves my mouth I suck in the teat and hold it between my teeth. I bite. My teeth meet through the latex. He rolls me onto my back and we make love. God it is so good. He knows how to do it. High up and grinding. He takes the weight, doesn't squash me which is good because my boobs are large and tender. He makes me cum twice before finally, and loudly, yes loudly, he cums. He seems to jerk around and flay about for ages. Really. I have finished and just want to stop now but he seems to take ages. There must be a lot of cum inside. We lay there for a long time, actually a bit too long because he is heavy and like, please don't sleep on top of me.

I wonder what I have done. There is always the morning-after pill, and hey, he's a doctor!