The Conference

Glossary

Click- the enlarged anatomy of a Transman.

I wasn't ready for this was all I thought as I continued to check into my hotel room. Why had I decided to do this? You don't do this. You talk to people at most through video games. To meet and see people like you, crazy. But this was crazy. And there goes that word again. Crazy. Why use it? I'm experiencing a bout of anxiety.

But a conference? With people? Alone? What the hell was I thinking? This wasn't something that someone like me would do. I liked screens and headphones and avatars. But I was desperate. Desperate for connection. Desperate for finding other queer people like me. And internally, I knew I would have regrets for missing the one Black Trans conference on the east coast which happened to be in my state of North Carolina.

I couldn't turn back now. I'd made the 1.5 hour trip down with a rental car I could barely afford with the incentive of a free scholarship to attend the conference. And as much as I kept telling myself that this was meant to be, everything was working out, internally, my animalistic instincts were telling me to hightail it back to Winston-Salem where I belonged.

But I was here, in Charlotte, NC where the skyline with it's hefty structures looked like something out of The Wiz. You wouldn't think anyone would settle within the valley bowl that sits at the foothills of Appalachia. And compared to Winston-Salem with its rolling hills, wooded neighborhoods and local farmer's markets, Charlotte was the polar opposite with it's growing Uptown and money flowing through all crevices within the banking industry. It was growing. Diverse. So much so to host a trans conference in the South.

And I wasn't technically alone. I knew my homie Liem would be my roommate. We met in Second Life at a gay bar within the virtual world. We started talking after I mistook his avatar as a girl. He thought it was a compliment and we've been tight ever since, even Facetiming a few times. I just need to get to the room I thought as I retrieved my room key from the front desk clerk. Did I even register what room number I was in? Thankfully it was on the key.

The elevator doors dinged opened and I rolled my bag into its interior. I hit the button for my room floor. As I look back up at the closing doors, I see a group of feminine figures in flowing multicolored summer dresses walk across the lobby. They almost appear angelic, the wind catching the dress hems as they moved towards the open automatic doors of the hotel. As the doors close in front of me, I swear I caught the eye of the prettiest one.

***************

I get up to the hotel room, and Liem is already there waiting.

"Dude, what took you so long?" dragging my luggage from my hands and unceremoniously tossing it into the hotel interior. His designer sunglasses were the only thing outside of black leather vest on his torso. His head was even more clean-shaven than what I've noticed on Facetime. Ripped faded jeans lead down to some expensive looking dress shoes. Liem's trademark style. He immediately dabs me up like we've always done this. I guess we have in the virtual world.

"Not everyone has their own schedule like you. I had to get off work first." And it was the last thing I wanted to talk about. The coffeehouse gig had seemed like a good idea at the time. But as time went on and micro agressions grew from the faux-libreral hipster types that frequent and work the place, it was getting harder to walk into the building most days.

"Hey, I have deadlines," Liem says feigning insult, clutching imaginary pearls. "Ya know Bryce, logos don't get done overnight" dumping himself onto his already claimed twin bed. His vest flapped open to reveal light scars across his chest. The line from his top surgery incision barely noticeable against his glistening black olive skin.

"Please, I saw you do that logo for that coffeehouse in Orlando in a matter of hours overnight. Sat up with you because you were just shooting the shit doing it," taking a seat at the foot of the opposite bed.

"This is true," Liem says with a smirk. Liem has always been good at his work, first making logos for grassroot orgs and student union groups back in college. About a year ago, his work started to get noticed and recognized as a signature style, and now he's got a packed schedule of paid gigs. Certified boss shit. "This isn't the time to talk about work stuff," waving off the compliment as he always did. "You got here just in time. Opening banquet just started. We can still get dinner before we go out tonight," Jumping from the twin bed with a start..

"Damn, can't I get changed first?" I argue back.

"What for? Do it before we go out!," Liem says pulling me up and pushing me back through the door, before slamming the hotel room door behind us.

***************

The opening banquet was being held in one of the larger hotel banquet areas. When we entered, the space was much bigger than I had imagined. Maybe it wasn't just the space, but the amount of people. A lot of people in varying levels of melanin efficiency. Some were in Sunday best attire, varying colored ties and dresses. Others looked like they had come off work like I had rocking company logo shirts or khakis with some color polo. Others wore bright colors on top of blue jean pants and jackets. There were a few that even had on traditional garbs representing their faiths and heritages. Truely a rainbow coalition. Liem found seats towards the back as the opening conference remarks were finishing up before being served.

"And as we gather here this weekend, I hope that we find the community and connections that will help us to continue to live our best lives, our most authentic lives. Black Trans Con is is a human experience. A queer experience. And obviously a Black and Brown Experience. Enjoy one another!"

"That's Bishop Sands. They helped create the board for this conference," Liem leaned over and whispered to me.

"That ain't no Bishop Sands, Liem!" the southern drawl coming out hard in my surprise.

"I'm telling you that is Bishop Sands! Listen to their voice," Liem insisted.

As this version of Bishop Sands started reading out the schedule for the rest of the evening, I did catch a familiarity in cadence and timber. The Bishop Sands that I was most acquainted with existed in Second Life as an avatar. They had a huge following because they, well, talked common sense. Holding large gatherings within the virtual world Bishop Sands posed questions to the crowd. What is purpose? What makes you a better person? Did you see RuPaul's Drag Race last night? The magic happened during the small group discussions. It seemed like behind avatars and the security of a watchful Bishop Sands, people were willing to be honest. I'm sure the mystical avatar Bishop Sands used also helped. Think nature wizard: robes and hat made of burlap. An ever present staff in hand.

But this Bishop Sands looked nothing like their avatar, the most noticeable thing being the many tattoos that covered their arms. They even had a few face tattoos. They were shorter than their avatar, but the voice couldn't be denied. And even in their real life persona, Bishop Sands still carried an air about them that oddly read comfort and security.

As I was about to concede to Liem that he may be right about this person being the real Bishop Sands, I saw the goddess from the elevators again. This time they were 4 tables diagonally to the left in front of us. They were at a table of the same people with the dresses from before. Were they looking in this direction?

******************

That night, Liem dragged me out to a club that was doing a special mixer in honor of the conference starting. As we approached, the line to get in was long but moving. Liem had changed into another variation of his outfit before, now rocking custom Nikes. The spray painted graffiti on the shoe leather seemed to glow under the neon of the sign over the entrance. Club 704. Ah a Charlotte area code. Got it. I'd opted for basic straight leg jeans and an Invader Zim shirt, rainbow ChuckTaylors for the occasion.

Every kind of person was in line to get in. Masculine of center folks flanked by feminine of center folk and vice versa. Androgynous people that wore their best suspenders, hats. Someone walked by with many glow sticks hanging from their neck. Singles and couples. The spectrum of genders within just one line. The bass from the club got louder as our turn to enter came up.

Once we got inside, everyone became a mass of moving bodies. Neon lights flashed in time with the deep tones. The bass shook the floor beneath me. Clubs were not a place that I normally frequented. But with all the Black and Brown Queer bodies in the room, I was transfixed. Even with the loud noises and not being able to hear myself or others talk, there was a feeling of safety amongst my people. Even this sea of unrestrained movement made you feel free. My people.

After a lot of pointing and yelling at the bar, Liem and I finally got beers. Liem saw someone he knew and immediately left me on the sidelines. I didn't mind. I liked to people watch. And while there wasn't much to look at in the dim light of the bass driven party, just being in the presence of people that were like me was enough for tonight. Enough to forget otherness of the "real world". To forget, for a moment, that I'm not an oddity or some Thing to people at home. I grab a spot on a wall to hold up.

"Hey I know you!" I heard right next to my ear.

I turned expecting to see someone that I really did know from some other gay function, but it wasn't. It was them. The divine being from the elevators earlier. They had done a wardrobe change and donned a silver cocktail dress that came right above the knee. Their honey skin glistened under small straps holding the garment on their shoulders.

From this close up they were even more beautiful than I had gleaned before. Their defined cheekbones even in the club lighting highlighted the braids that cascaded down the backside. They smelled so much like vanilla and cinnamon my mouth watered, my senses now intoxicated. And they smiled and I felt even more drunk but not from alcohol.

"From the elevators earlier." Of course they had seen me gawking.

"And the banquet," they say. So they were looking.

"And the banquet," not really knowing what else to say. My heart is racing. The loud music is distracting, almost as if my heart is trying to keep time with the deep base instead of providing a bodily function of keeping me alive.

"I'm Dani" extending out a hand to me. I take it after a moment's brain fart. It's soft. The nail color is cobalt grey.

"Bryce," I yell out over the music. "He/Him/His pronouns." It felt weird to add pronouns to every introduction when I first started. And sometimes I still get weird looks. But then I thought about how many times I got actually introduced or met someone new. I better take the chance to set the record straight before it has any chance of getting off track.

Dani didn't flinch at my awkwardness. They yell something back at me, but I don't catch it.

"What did you say!" I respond back.

"I'm still trying to figure that out!" they say over the music close to my ear. I don't know how to respond, so I look over at Liem out on the dance floor. He is well occupied in multilayered dance sandwich. Drink laden hands in the air while two unidentifiable people bump and grind on his front and back side. Black Queer Bliss. Dani sees me looking at Liem and asks, "Is that your partner?"

I'm a bit thrown off by the question, but recover. "No just my homie and hotel roommate. Making sure he doesn't do anything he will regret later," growing hoarse from yelling over the music.

"Looks like he is having a great time to me," Dani says directly into my ear again. I can feel the heat from their lips close to my sensitive lobe. I'm officially turned on. And Dani's right, Liem's got it.

"You want to go outside and talk? Would love to actually hear what you have to say" speaking closer to their ear than may have been appropriate for just meeting someone. They didn't pull back.

"I'd like that," And we make an exit out of the club into the night air.

********************

We stepped out into the night on a mostly empty boardwalk along a man-made lake. Nothing special, but there is something sensual about bodies of water, even if it's surrounded by asphalt. Very instant date worthy. The boardwalk led to other restaurants and shops in the immediate area that were all closed at this hour. We chose a direction at random while exiting out the cacophony from the club into the cool Carolina fall night.

"Clubs aren't really my thing. My boy Leim convinced me to go," I say, slightly more elevated than intended. Still adjusting from yelling in the club.

"Yeah, me neither. But if I'm going to go to one, it might as well be this one. It's our people," Dani says, adjusting braids over their shoulders.

"Exactly! I don't know, it's oddly safe. Majority in numbers kind of vibe."

"You mean like a gang?" It makes me laugh. "Exactly like a gang."

We find a gazebo by the water and the breeze picks up making us sit instinctively close. The silence isn't awkward. There's something happening here.

"So do you know anyone here?" I ask.

"No, not really," Dani says looking out over the water. The security lights from the parking lot make the black water glitter. "Just some people online."

"Oh, so you have groupies. I see," nodding my head in acknowledgement. It was their turn to laugh now. "You got jokes."

"You really don't know who I am, do you?," they say.

"Besides the pretty one I saw at the elevators earlier, no idea," I say. And it's honest. Was I supposed to know who they were?

"What about my handle: daglamtransdiva," Dani says as if it should have been obvious. I felt myself growing hot even under the cool breeze. I was bombing.

"Yeah, no idea," I admitted. "What do you do?"

"Just make up tutorials," they say. "Nothing you would be interested in," playfully nudging me.

"Hey, that is a bit stereotypical. I may want to relearn how to do eyeliner. It's changed since the last time I tried," a sly grin coming to my face. We both laugh at that.

Another awkward silence, then Dani says, "You know that actually makes me feel even more comfortable."

"What's that?"

"You not already knowing my online life. A lot of people expect you to be exactly how you are online," Dani confides.

"I wouldn't know. No one knows who I am online outside of people who know me IRL," I say trying to keep the conversation going. I didn't want to stop talking to them.

"This your first time at the conference?" Dani asks.

"Yeah and if it hadn't been for the scholarship, there would be no first time," just letting what comes to mind roll. Comfortable was an understatement for what I was feeling right now. I knew I could sit here for hours.

"Why did you come?" Dani asked right behind my answer.

"I don't know. I wanted to seek connection. Connection with something that saw my true self, you know?" I don't know what I really mean, but I know it's honest.

"I know what you mean. To be seen in your true form. I get that."

"You said you were trying to figure it out before. What are you trying to figure out?" I ask.

"How I want others to see me." Dani looks out over the water, gears obviously turning on how to frame their words. "I know who I am. It can't be explained and I'm fine with that. But it seems like as much as I try to be myself, everyone still tries to label me into something they can comprehend." I let that digest for a bit.

"Well I don't know you, so you can tell me anything you want about yourself and I will believe you."

"What makes you think I will tell you the truth?" Dani says looking directly into my eyes.

"I don't know. Why lie? Who am I?"

"Other than hot, I don't know."

I turn so many shades of timid and shy. But I don't retreat like I normally would have. I stay.

"Let me show you this funny meme I saw today," pulling out my phone.

We exchanged funny memes and tweets with each other while the party continued on. Content.

**************

"I think the party is over now," I say as I realize the time.

"Yeah, I figured. Are you tired?" Dani asks.

"No, not if you aren't," I say quickly. Even as the night turned brisk, I didn't want the night to end with Dani.

"Then let's go back to my room. I have a single," Dani offers.

"Hey what makes you think you can't come back to my room," I say back jokingly.

"Because you mentioned your homie Liem and I'm pretty sure that's him over there," Dani said pointing in the direction of the club. Liem was there alright. The club doors had long been closed, but he still held the attention of a few of the people he was dancing with earlier. Doing some dance move and making the group laugh.

"Yeah, he may be a bit busy, and tipsy" I say with a chuckle.

"You can come up for a night cap," Dani says taking my hand. I feel my palm have a tingly sensation. The butterflies in my stomach flutter even more. The tingle soon turned into a sweat as Dani interlocked our fingers.

Dani continued to hold my hand as we entered back into the hotel and headed for the elevators.

********************

"I've got brown and white. Which do you prefer?"

"I'll take whatever you are drinking," I say, taking a seat on Dani's queen bed. I'm anxious about being in a hotel room with someone I just met. Liem let me know he got back to the room alright and I told him where I was. Dani posted a picture of the gazebo and man-made lake to a private chat with some of the conference goers.

"Jack and Coke it is," Dani says handing me a red plastic cup.

They turned on the tv and we watched something halfheartedly, laughing at the appropriate times. My attention now on how close Dani was sitting next to me. My hand grazes Dani's bare leg as they hang over the bed. The line between coincidence and intention blurring quickly.

I sit back against the headboard hoping that Dani does the same. They do and lay their head on my chest. My heart is beating out of my chest as they throw one leg over my outstretched ones. Breathe in and out. Play it cool.

"Are you ok?" Dani asks.

"Yeah, I'm more than ok," I say. "Just a bit anxious. I don't really know who you are."

"Well you know more about me than most people at the conference" Dani jokingly replies. "Besides, you were searching for a connection. Isn't this connection?"

Dani starts rubbing my stomach and chest slowly. It immediately drives me insane, breathing accelerating.

Then Dani starts to slowly rub my thighs slowly inching in between my legs.

"Is this ok, too?" Dani asks, looking up at me.

"Yeah that is ok," I say

I can't take it any longer. I lean over and kiss Dani and she pushes into the kiss, making out with pent up gusto. Our hands roaming each other bodies wildly. Our kisses trying to catch everything above the collar bone, restaining to go further.

Dani's body is pressed up against mine and I run my hands down their slender body. My fingertips finds their thigh, their stomach, their pelvis.

Then Dani bolts up and lays their head against the headboard.

"I have to tell you something," Dani begins.

"Shoot," grabbing a vape pen out of my pocket and taking a good drag. I pass it over to Dani. "It's a THC homebrew blend," I say as they take the pen and inhale. Exhale.

"I'm still trying to figure out the gender thing. I'm not comfortable with anyone touching me...there," they said, making a circle hand motion right below their navel.

"Ok. That's alright. I'm not even sure if I'm comfortable yet. I really haven't been

with anyone since all the physical changes, you know" I confess. And that was truth. Testosterone had made changes to my body at both a slow and quickened pace. It seemed like it took forever to get the slightest facial hair.I had to readjust. What feels good anymore? One change that was evident earlier on was how large my click was now. Figuring out how to use my improved equipment had been fun, but just a one person endeavor so far. I wish it would stop feeling aroused as Dani was trying to tell me something important.