The Conservative Wives

Jack shrugged, "I wouldn't blame him, we deserve it, I wouldn't fight back, just take it as best I could."

Claire felt a sudden pang of fear thinking about Jack getting hurt due to her actions, did that reaction suggest she had feelings for him? That fear doubled as she thought about Phil getting that angry and the consequences. The potential pain and the realisation the man she loved would be devastated overtook all other thoughts as she fought to contain the rising feeling of panic.

The girls discussed the pros and cons of a confession endlessly. In the end they delayed a decision, deciding not to say anything initially, until they had time to get back to a normal life. Hopefully this would demonstrate that their ill-advised flings didn't have to change things.

It was 6 weeks later that Claire and Angie mutually decided they should confess to their husbands. Claire's motivation for doing so was a desire to be honest with Phil, they had never kept things from each other and doing so felt wrong, she was also struggling with the guilt. They had returned to a normal life without any noticeable changes. Angie felt the same but didn't feel back to normal, holding something back was impacting her relationship with Steve. They both considered if any confession was for their benefit or their husbands. The deciding factor was that if things were the opposite way around, they would both want to know.

***

Claire managed to sit down with Phil whilst avoiding the dreaded, 'we need to talk' phrase.

"I need to tell you about something... something horrible."

"Ok, sounds ominous, what is it?"

Claire took a huge gulp of air and blurted it out, "I've made a terrible mistake, on the trip away with Angie, I... I got drunk and I went with someone."

"Went with!"

"I slept... I had sex with someone."

Phil just looked at her and didn't say anything; it was as though his mind couldn't comprehend the words. Claire felt like she was withering and dying, an overwhelming sense of fear overtaking her.

"I am so sorry."

"But that was weeks ago!"

"I know, I wanted to tell you so many times, but I couldn't bring myself to do it."

"Why tell me now?"

"I waited to make sure everything could be normal again, just us... happy, to show that nothing really changed other than me making a one-off stupid mistake."

"Why did you do it?"

"I've asking myself that for weeks and I'm still not sure. I think our previous discussions were making me curious about what it would be like with someone else. I have only ever been with you and wondered if I might have missed out. Then I got ridiculously drunk and instead of discounting all of that and making my usual sensible decisions, I made a stupid mistake."

In all her years of sex with Phil, Claire had never once had an orgasm from penetration; she'd always figured she simply wasn't built that way. They had discussed it a few times, at one point Phil even asked Claire if she could be happy without that, and if she'd be better off with someone else.

"You mean the discussions about your lack of orgasms?"

"I'd love to make that excuse, but it was more than that, curiosity, excitement. I felt desired, I found myself liking the attention. The lack of orgasm just added to things, made me more curious."

"And did you...orgasm I mean?"

Claire nodded her head miserably then hurried on saying, "Sorry, that doesn't mean anything; it was just a physical thing that happened."

"What is it you want, are you leaving me?"

"What, God no, it's not like that! I want to be with you forever, nothing is more important. I felt you deserved the truth, even though I knew it would hurt you, hurt us... as a couple. I couldn't live a lie."

"I need time to think, can you leave."

"What, leave the house?"

"Yes, and don't come back until I contact you."

"Please don't make me do that..." Claire was about to argue, but the look of hurt on Phil's ashen face stopped her in her tracks. She walked miserably upstairs and packed some things, trying hard to stifle her tears. She told Phil she would be at her mums, apologised again and left.

Trying to explain things to her mum was a nightmare, it was like the Spanish inquisition, Eventually Claire screamed that she had fucked everything up and fled up to her old bedroom. After calming down, she got the chance to phone Angie. Her confession had gone badly; Steve had blown up immediately, sworn at her, called her a slut and told her to fuck off. She was back at her mum's house as well.

It was three days before Phil responded to one of Claire's many calls and texts, he asked her to come over to their house, he needed answers to some questions.

"So... in summary, you got curious, loved the attention and got drunk, it was a one off and you want to be forgiven."

"There's more to it than that, but yes I guess that's close."

"And if I do forgive you, what stops it happening again?"

"I wouldn't!"

"You already have, you would have said that before, the consequences are the same. My reaction isn't a surprise or a revelation, you know me and how I would respond."

"I can only ask you give me the chance to try, to show you through my actions, I know the words feel empty."

"I've thought about it, and I want to know what happened."

"It's really hard to talk about that. If I describe what I can remember I might hurt you unintentionally."

"OK then answer some questions," Steve didn't wait for a response.

"Did he seduce you or take advantage of you being drunk."

"No, we'd all been drinking but it was mutual, he didn't take advantage. He is younger, a bit shy and very respectful. He made it obvious he was attracted to me; and after he was worried about the consequences for us."

"Was it just the once?"

"No, it wasn't Phil... he stayed the night."

"And the next day?"

"No I sobered up, knew I'd made a huge mistake, we were trying to figure out what to do."

"And you had an orgasm every time with him?"

Claire really didn't want to answer, "Yes... sorry, please don't ask anymore Phil I am so ashamed."

"It was good then?"

Claire's immediate thought was, whatever you say, don't say he was bigger or better, "I don't know it just felt different, I guess it was new, illicit, exciting, he could keep going ...it just seemed to click. But it didn't have the same intense feeling of love that we have."

"He fucked you harder and longer then?"

Claire winced at the words, tears welling up again, "Please, please stop asking, I feel so bad about it."

"Well, did he?" accused Phil angrily.

"Yes, yes, I don't know exactly how, but he made me cum ok."

"And you liked it?"

Claire hesitated, reminding herself to try and be as honest as possible, "Yes! much to my shame I did, I couldn't control myself."

"I doubt you were even trying to control yourself!"

She stammered that she was sorry again and ran for the toilet to be sick. Phil didn't move or offer any help, as soon as she returned, he began again.

"You are more attracted to him than me. The lack of desire and attention you mentioned; you felt that from him but not from me."

"No, I didn't mean it that way; it's nothing you did."

"The thing is... I do desire and want you, but I get very little back! You rarely instigate and aren't that responsive, you don't seem to get that much out of our sex life and certainly not what you describe with him."

Claire was shocked at that revelation. Of all the things she'd imagined Phil saying, that wasn't one of them, and it felt like a very personal attack. Was she really that unresponsive? When she thought about it, she couldn't deny it; she took their sex life for granted, it wasn't something she had to work at.

"I never realised, I, I can do better with that."

"But do you honestly desire and fancy me? Don't just say yes, think before you answer. Actually, maybe you shouldn't answer it just yet."

Claire paused trying to gather her thoughts, "I want to answer it; I think we are in a rut, I admire, like and love you and I do still fancy you, but we've lost our way."

"Yeah, it feels like that to me too, even before your betrayal."

Claire dropped her head at the casual use of that term and the awful truth of it.

"You recall our conversation years ago about you not having an orgasm. I asked early on if you would want to be with someone else."

"Yes, I didn't though, I just wanted you."

"And now that you have experienced that?"

"It was true then and it is equally true now, I still just want us, no one else. I want to fix us!"

"But you admitted enjoying the sex and the orgasms. You have opened Pandora's Box and can't close it. Sometime in the future you will want that again or resent the fact you can't have it. It's not as simple as forgiving a drunken mistake."

"It's not like that, not for me; that box will remain firmly closed. I love you and know I've messed everything up."

Although the conversations with Phil were fraught, Claire was in a better position than her best friend. Angie's only conversation with Steve involved him telling her to 'fuck off and die' before he cut the call off. He had thrown her out and refused to speak to her and was already moving for a divorce.

Angie confessed to Claire that as regrettable as her fling was, it had exposed significant failings in their relationship. She wondered if they had fallen out of love with each other and had just become a convenient habit. Their relationship was cold, and she felt as much like 'hired help' as a wife. The kids leaving exposed that they had little in common, they spent less and less time together. She thought those factors had left her open to friendship with Pete and ultimately the sex. The warmth of both the friendship and sex exposed what was missing in her marriage. Pete wasn't a long-term option, but she longed to be in love with her partner; she and Steve hadn't been in love with each other for some time.

***

Claire tried everything she could to reach Phil but he remained distant. Phil finally agreed to Claire moving back in. Mainly in order to show a united front to the kids who were back for a few days over Easter. It worked in the main, but the kids quickly realised not all was well with their parents. They asked a few questions but didn't push too hard, maybe wanting to avoid the answers.

Their return to college enabled more discussion, endless conversations resulted in agreeing to try again and not forfeit their marriage. Neither of them were happy, they talked easily enough but it lacked any spark or humour. Life together was now bleak, they were on the verge of splitting permanently, Phil had already chosen a divorce lawyer and Claire was coming to the conclusion she wouldn't fight it.

If Claire was struggling, her friend Angie was in a living nightmare. Steve had filed for divorce and announced her actions to family and friends. He was determined to keep the house and Angie couldn't bring herself to argue for it, accepting she was the primary cause of their problems. Living back at her parents was a struggle; she had always fought with her mother. The stigma of her affair made the relationship even more fractious.

It was the beginning of another bleak weekend when Phil said something which stunned Claire, "I think you should go out with him again!"

"What! Christ Phil why on earth would you say something like that?"

"We aren't right are we? We are both desperately unhappy. Maybe I can forgive a drunken night but the underlying causes are eating away at me. I want to make love to you, but my mind is an absolute mess. I don't know if you really want me 'just for me', or you just want our lifestyle to continue. At times I hate and resent what you have done, the anger is hard, really hard to control. Then I feel an overwhelming sadness that we're incompatible and have just 'gotten by' over the years.

"We've done a lot better than just 'gotten by', we've been happy! Don't question everything we have, just because I fucked up."

It's bothering me that I don't do it for you sexually. You clearly enjoyed sex more with someone else. You deserve that in your life, if you don't find it you will regret it."

"I can live without an orgasm during sex, what we have is fantastic and we can do more, put more effort in and explore things."

"But ideally you would want it all, orgasms included."

"I guess, but it's not as important as us and your happiness."

"And I don't want to deny you that or live with someone who doesn't want me completely. We need some way to break out of this purgatory. Something has to give; it might push me into a decision or help you decide if you want to be with him."

"For Christ's sake, I do not want to be with him, get that into your thick skull! I wouldn't ever leave you, as long as you want me."

"You know after your tryst, you weren't the same as before. You seemed happier and had a new energy. For the first time in ages, I thought you wanted to have sex with me; it wasn't a chore and I didn't have to persuade you. Now I think that was all due to him; maybe he made you happy or satisfied or... whatever."

"For those 6 weeks I was happy with you, he wasn't there at all! Then I opened my big mouth and spoilt everything, I wish we could go back to how we were before all this started."

"Why return to a situation that made you cheat, both me and you need to understand what actually made you happy."

"Well why not turn it around then. What could change for you, to make you happy again?"

"Someone like you I guess, but more sexual and gives me the confidence that she really wants me in every way, love, support, sex, fucking, someone who gives all of themselves." Phil resisted adding: 'like you did for him!'

"So shouldn't you try to see if you get more of that from someone else. If you are offering that to me, you should have the same option. You might get other women off, even if you didn't it would only be fair for you to explore."

"Maybe, although unlike you I don't have any candidates. What do we have to lose, at this rate we are heading toward a divorce."

The thought of seeing Jack again gave Claire a momentary shimmer of excitement which she quickly tried extinguishing, recalling everything that followed their last meeting. Did she really want that again? She had spent months rationalising that was the last thing she wanted. Then she thought about Phil and felt a deeper stirring for the man in front of her. Was he offering this because he loved her or was he forcing an end to their relationship? She wondered if she had been happier in those 6 weeks, maybe Jack had released something in her, or just perhaps she could discover something with him that helped her marriage instead of destroying it. Then there was the possibility, that Phil might be one of those guys that got turned on by a wife being promiscuous. He was right about one thing, something had to change, she was losing him.

They continued a stuttering relationship, not quite certain what the other person wanted anymore, debating the situation endlessly, circling around and around the same points.

"So, what do we do, go out on dates to explore what we each want. I can't see how that would work, wouldn't we both get insanely jealous and push us further apart."

"Maybe the jealously pushes us together or we find new partners and allow ourselves to move on."

Claire wasn't happy with the idea of moving on, for her that was not what this was about. But deep down she wanted to see Jack again and to experience that passion, the thought crept more and more into her mind each day until she couldn't deny it. It seemed Phil was right; she was craving a repeat of the sexual high she had experienced. Maybe just maybe she could experience that again and not lose her husband.

***

Claire found herself getting ready to go out on a date with Jack. He had enthusiastically agreed when she called him. She explained confessing their fling and the impact to her relationship, saying they were still trying to find a way to stay together.

Claire had taken a long luxurious bath soaking in bubbles. She dried and styled her hair, before putting her makeup on. It had been 4 months since she had seen Jack and she realised she wanted to look good. She added eye liner, mascara and smoky eye shadow, along with bright red lipstick.

The choice of underwear was difficult, they might just talk, but just in case that balance between sexy and slutty was tricky, a champagne-coloured camisole set and hold up nude stockings seem to strike the right balance. Was she getting ready to have sex... preparing herself for Jack and her own pleasure, the thought was intoxicating.

She packed away her makeup and picked out a fitted silver-grey dress. She turned to find Phil staring at her.

"You look absolutely stunning."

Claire immediately felt guilty and exposed in the lingerie, she tried to pass it off casually, stepping into the dress and asking Phil to do her up.

It fitted a little more snuggly than she remembered, but it showed off her bum and legs perfectly. Before he thought about it, Phil gave her bum a squeeze, more out of habit than anything else, then it crossed his mind that another man might be doing that same thing in a few hours and his blood drained.

Claire noticed the hesitation, "It's not too late to call this all off."

"No you should go."

Claire wasn't sure if she was happy or sad about Phil's response. She gave herself another critical appraisal in the mirror before checking her clutch purse, putting on a coat and turning to Phil.

"I'd say don't wait up but it's a bit pointless isn't it. I'll make sure I am home by 12. Do you want me to message?"

"No, I'll be ok."

Claire kissed him, squeezed his hand and left.

***

Phil realised he felt nervous, so nervous he felt sick. He tried to focus on why he had suggested this, now his logic seemed pretty stupid. He tried to remind himself: firstly, she wouldn't have cheated if she was happy, despite all her denials since. Secondly, it would establish what she really wanted and the likelihood that it was something he couldn't provide. If so, that would this push him into action he seemed unable to take: make him leave Claire. She had gone, so things were stacking up that way. He'd told her it might bring them together, but he really didn't think that was a possibility. A few minutes later and his mind latched onto another argument, this was such a mistake; it will just make things even more confusing. The idea of his conservative 45-year-old wife out on a date was preposterous. He started imagining what they would be up to... shit!

Claire asked herself yet again what the hell she was doing. She jumped from feeling nervous to thinking about her husband at home and what he must be going through; was he really ok with this or covering his true feelings? Maybe it was a trap, so he could justify divorcing her? No that was crazy; Phil was nothing if not genuine. He was testing her to establish what she really wanted, she had cheated and they were broken. He thought she wanted more, and maybe she did need other things after all. Phil's comments about her lack of sexuality with him confused her, why had she been like that, she wasn't like that with... with Jack!

Then she considered her own motivation for agreeing to the date. She'd already had sex with Jack, maybe she was she just a cheat as simple as that. Had she manipulated Phil into this situation, used guilt to get her rocks off? Was she craving the excitement and adventure? She clung desperately to the idea that it might resolve something and bring them back together.

Phil said not to message, Claire thought about it and sent, "Arrived safely at restaurant xx."

She watched Jack approach, she forgot just how young and handsome he was, she stood and greeted him with a kiss on the cheek, immediately wiping her lipstick mark away.