All Comments on 'The Dancing Queen'

Shouldn't write about divorce unless they know the basics. In this case, learn what "separate property" is. It's about the same in every state. "Doctorate in corporate law"? WTF? You obviously aren't a lawyer. The MC was written as so credulous and thoughtless that it was hard to care what happened to him.

Yet we know nothing of her or her motivations. Not really a complete tale without her background.

Excellent first posting, good storytelling and acceptable editing. Bravo! :)

Thought it was a good story. I think you need to get some one to help edit it. "drinking a cup of copy" must be hard to do.

Why did she do it? They never had any discussion about that and how she went from loving him to totally disrespecting him. I'm glad you gave him someone else but the reason she cheated was never explained so only 4 stars from me.

This was well done and I enjoyed it.

For what it is worth, I had a little trouble believing he went ahead with the wedding. There were a number of warning signs and it wasn’t clear why he ignored his feelings of unease. But things like that do happen.

One small quibble: brush up on when to use (and not to use) apostrophes (for example, “lot’s” versus “lots”).

Good story. Thanks.

The one constant in our hero's life was his friendships - with Mike, Kim and Ted in the Robinson clan and the Vietnamese gang. You give to friends and when you need it you get some back. It's not repayment; it's sharing life's ups and downs. If you don't invest, you get no return. All of these people invested and it worked. Celia and Marcus didn't make the honest investment and they got a kick in the ass as a result. This story is a little idealized, but it certainly makes the point. 5*

Interesting story line. Great rags to riches with a perk here and there. There were enough indicators of trouble in the relations, but when your in heat you overlook them. Thanks for submitting the story.

A couple of questions came to mind. Why, after a failed first marriage and some questions in the back of his mind about Celia, wouldn't her get a pre-nup? When he throws her out for fucking Marcus and thinks he shes evidence of drug usage, wouldn't he call his attorney and then call the police? If she's in jail, convicted of a felony, she gets nothing in the divorce. And it seemed strange that after divorcing Kim he would continue working for her Father and stay friends with her brother. Not the usual fallout from a divorce and you spent too little time on their relationship. But my favorite line in this story? Was when he sat down and "had a cup of copy"! Hilarious!

3 stars

...it's just because it's good that we need more.

Some authors on Loving Wives write the cheating wife as a superficial sketch rather than a person: with no attempt to explain who she is or what her motivations. She just does crazy stuff, like fuck half the guys in her office or get impregnated by an old boyfriend. Those stories just give the reader an adrenaline fix: pure indignation and anger.

But you've written something that aims higher, with more realistic characters who have some individuality and feelings and detail. And in the context of a more substantial story like this one, the absence of any sort of explanation for Celia's behavior (or underlying problems, whatever) feels like something important to the story is missing.

You're a good writer, and I hope you'll post more stories!

Thanks, ohio

I enjoyed. One bit of constructive criticism I would offer is that it would have been better if there was more explanation of why Cecilia behaved the way she did. She seemed to truly care about her husband but she was betraying him. Why?

It was obvious that Celia had previously fucked Marcus from the first time Cameron met him. After she disrespected him at the club and spent all her time flirting with Marcus, Cameron should have left and ghosted the bitch.

I wouldn't touch a mudsharking slut with a 10' pole and this idiot marries her without a pre-nup? Cameron was obviously a retard.

Boring, stupid, and insipid

Not bad for first submission, but it leaves too much vagueness about the wife. Was she cheating with Marcus all along or just snapped after the MC kept going on work trips? Was it all a plot to get the MC’s money and she had no intention of being married long and just wanted his money for her and Marcus? It would’ve taken only another paragraph or so and would’ve been a lot more relevant information than details about his business. If you want reader to sympathize with your MC, they need to know why he was wronged.

I truly enjoyed this painful tale.

If others couldn't tell why she cheated, they didn't read the story.

Well done!

Best for several days! Great first effort, it's a good simple lw cheating story, entertaining and a realistic ending. Well done and will look for more from you. The proof reading errors were minor and you'll correct those with time. Thank you.

What a great job. Good characters and a solid story. 5

A great story, but I didn't really understand the motivation of the last wife going so flaky. She obviously had issues with him travelling, that was telegraphed pretty well. What was never explained was the why. It didn't feel like a complete story with regards to her and Marcus ("I don't like him that way").

Jeezus. That was painful to read. I hate myself so forced myself up to page 4, but had to quit. The protagonist and utter pathetic behaviour made my balls drop off and my cock crawl up my ass and me sing falsetto by the second page.

Tip for the future: try not make a main character that's so weak and hated, that even the cheating lesbian ex wife is a better story draw. Only a small percentile of readers enjoy the ciss theme.

The main character was kind of dense and clueless. I hope he conducts his business with more instinct and care than he conducts marriages. There were lots of hints that Celia was flaky, insecure, and childish. Acceptable traits for a casual friend or fuck buddy, not not even close for a wife.

So another story about stupid people live fucked up lives. If this guy ever has a successful marriage it will be because he just married lucky, not because he did the due diligence to discern a good woman from a good fuck.

And what's with Marcus showing up at his house with a knife? That's deadly force with premeditated intent. Marcus should have been silenced with a silencer at the first opportunity; he gave up his right to life when he demonstrated he was capable of murder.

Hope you keep trying. This was OK, just kind of silly. Thanks for the effort.

Congratulations on publishing your first story. It was an auspicious starting point and I look forward to reading whatever you post next.

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May I make a few suggestions? Separate lines of dialogue whenever two people are talking. Find a beta-reader (or two or three). A good editor is invaluable. If you can't find one, use something like Grammarly. It's free.

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Good luck!

OK....I think this story has a point to make, but up to page three, most of it is about the job he has. I think that bores the snot out of people who want to get to the story. You are not the only one that does this. If your job is something you are proud of, write and essay and put it on non-erotic and lable it as such.

I haven't rated this yeat. I will finish it...when I am not falling asleep with lumber talk.

There is a saying going something like this:

In every boy is the man he is destined to become, and in every woman is the girl she used to be.

You can take the girl out of the party, but you cannot take the party out of the girl.

C'est la vie.

Thanks for the entertaining tale. I'd love to more character development, particularly with some of the supporting characters. Please continue writing.

Killian

Two obvious fuck ups marrying those two.

but a lovable dope.

ceila had so many red-flags, i lost count after a page of reading.

'are you dumping me?" DUH! yous a hoe. hoes aren't wife material. I can fuck you, but yous a hoe. he was too polite to admit that she was disrespectful. she didn't just break his trust before she went full psycho, she was disrespectful day and she only grew to disrespect him more and more, the more he allowed her to do it.

I enjoyed the story, but felt that the transformation of his wife from loving him desperately, to suddenly having no love and respect for him was too abrupt and unjustified. She went from wife to drug-using, party loving, whore. She was hit with the Martian Slut Ray. Her personality and demeanor completely changed. There was no trace of the former person and that happened too fast.

KB

Also, if she wasn't working, then there was no reason for her not to accompany him on most, if not all his trips. They could afford it

Good yarn mate, enjoyed it. Just like having a catch up chat with an old friend.

@Anonymous behind: "I wouldn't touch a mudsharking slut with a 10' pole..."

Wait, wait, wait, wait - Marcus's black!?

Where the fuck did you see that? Hell, who else isn't Caucasian in this story? Are any of the Robinsons white? Junior? The lawyers? Wait a second... are Ming and John even ASIAN??? 😂

Alright, here's a serious question, you sad bozo: how does it feel to have black people living, rent free, inside your head? 'Cause, honestly, for you to go full racist out of literally nothing, but a name, here... goddamn, man.

Being a bigot is as pathetic as being a cuck. Spread the word.

I liked the progression through the story, however the ending left me feeling indecisive & somewhat deflated.

Congrats on your first story published here, I hadn't realised it was your first until I looked up the profile to see what else you had written. There is a lot of good advice in the comments from writers who have done some very entertaining work here. Listen to it, ignore the insult posts. When you put your work out there into the work it has to stand on it's own and survive the bashings and proddings from people who took 20 minutes to read it where you took days or weeks to write it. (In my case it's going to be months!) But this is very good, I agree with all of the suggestions below, I ignored the insulting ones. But on the whole there was a sense of place, most of the characters were fleshed out, I think the first marriage set our hero up as flawed and wounded which was good. Glad they were able to move on but she lied about her sexual orientation and that's huge thing too, how many men did the same thing to some poor woman when they wanted a beard. Wrong is wrong and that's an ally that could have been worked a little as well. But still a great first story and I'm looking forward to more from you.

She was obviously playing him for a payout. I wanted her to experience some consequences. Maybe a drugged out crack whore after 5 years? ;)

The plot in this story is OK. But what's the point when the main character is written as a functioning Forrest Gump. Too much of an idiot outside the job. And Celia? Who was she? There's nothing that delves into her psyche. What were her motivations?

The writer can get you into the story. Good dialogues, but what was the point with a dumb, and an enigma of a woman? Three stars. Thanks.

I think Kalimaxos got it right.

The Viets showing up just in time was weak. Our Hero is dense about women and cars!

And ... had O.H. never heard about PIs?

4*

I was caught up in the story. Cameron was a very sympathetic character who was too passive in his personal li fe. His life's destiny was determined when he rode up on his bike to take a part-time job at the lumber company. The owner's family took over his life for good and bad. This story would have fit best in non-erotic because you didn't really develop what happened inside either of his marriages and went into too much detail about his career and his house.

It is hard to believe that he is so friendly with his ex-wife's partner Millie. We never were told about Kim's college lesbian relationships but clearly Millie was one of them. Kim moved her into their cottage and Millie convinced Kim to leave Cam. Some friend!

Kim's brother feels bad because Cam is suicidal after Kim leaves him and sets him up with the gold digger. While Mike tries to talk Cam out of getting married, he could have done better. Poor Cam is clueless when it comes to women.

Why didn't cam get Marcus locked up? Marcus and his boys knocked him out in public and later were planning on cutting him up at Cam's house after the divorce hearing. That was too serious to ignore.

You did a great job developing the characters of his work family but still don't understand what makes Millie so great. Cam may have known lumber but is no salesman - he doesn't understand human nature. You wrote the story from Cam's POV and he is not the best witness. He doesn't seem to understand the significance of things that appear in front of him e.g. the first meeting of Marcus and his gang (they laughed at him as he walked away) Cecilia spending more time with Marcus on their second date would have turned most guys away..

As I read the story, it reminded me of Ohio's style and was happy to see that he gave you encouragement. You are a good writer but should have someone read it for you to catch silly errors like cup of copy. I would love to read Cecilia's version of what went on with Marcus. Please keep writing, you are better that 90% of the current writers.

Thank you for your work,

reasonable man

We need to know more about the whys and wherefores of the wife. Left me frustrated and sad.

I won't repeat the prior constructive input, I hope that you heed it.

Now, about the law:

They had only been married a few years. Courts can take this into account in property distribution.

The concept of separate property exists in all US states.

He bought the house. He used community property (his salary) for the mortgage and improvements afterwards. However, she got to live in it. The value of the property at the time of their marriage is his. The courts could either have it appraised for then and now, then divide the much smaller amount in half. However, the court could give her more of it to make it equitable.

Rehnquist, another author on this site and an attorney, wrote an excellent article on this. If you plan to do any further loving wives stories, I suggest that you read it.

BTW, I come from a legal family (I'm into software myself). My brother would have smoked out that false transfer of ownership of both the house and the property.

Unlike some other comments, I enjoyed his growth in the company and did not have an issue with him remaining on cordial terms with his 1st wife.

Regards

Nice story. I enjoyed reading it.

But if Mike was so good in the financial area and had a friend who was such a hotshot lawyer, one would think he would have suggested a prenup to Cam, especially after the doubts Cam had had while they lived together.

Good story. Like many other stories here, there are many errors (e.g. "new" instead of "knew" and "there" instead of "their"). The property settlement meeting makes good theater, but would not have gone that way in real life.

I give only a 4* because the first meeting with Marcus and the dancing discussion gave away the rest of the story -- everything went as it should, and nothing surprising.

Cam should have realized at that point that Celia was not the right fit for him, and cut his losses rather than risk another failure.

The house was his before marriage, no children he keeps the house .all that razz-ale dazzle wasB.S. Looks like a guy who knew how to pick them. The marriage might have worked if he was a 9 to 5 guy. She could take his traveling. And this Marcus fellow should have been in a wheelchair.

It would have been nice to hear that when he saw Marcus years later, Marcus limped to the other side of the road.

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I really liked this story.

Plain and simple.

Well done new writer!

Top ratings from me.

Alternating past and present tense in the beginning was creative and worked well.

All the minute details about Oregon and the lumber industry suggest there is a lot of real personal experience in the story.

I hope you have enough imagination to continue writing more stories. This was a great start. Thanks!

Not a bad story at all for a first effort. A little stilted, but that is easily fixed with practice.

Why do all of you writers depict your Male characters as blind and dumb as a stump?

Like to have a bit more depth on the wife.

I think this story is proof that the author his mentally retarded. I mean there are so many absurdly basic things wrong with the story that it's almost unreadable.

To begin with the woman that hes dating turns him sdown for marriage and then claimed that she needs space and time

then for some reason several months later she changes her mind and he never asks why? He never asks any questions about why she needed time or space.

Then after he finds out that is entire marriage was fraud and that his wife was actually lesbian he claims to be on good terms with the lesbian lover of his ex wife and the ex wife.

The attack on him by Marcus is actually a serious criminal act and the police were never called.

There is never a confrontation scene with the wife in any capacity

That’s pretty much almost all the male characters on LW

A good story, following some common themes. Yes, you could see the break up coming from a mile away. Poor communication by all parties concerned. A little contrition from the wife would have been good for closure.

Never saw Celia again? Really? The story was weak on her and Marcus’s relationship. After trips and such, it seems shallow for her just to be a gold digger. She was with him before those.

And the griping climax was? The secret relationship with Marcus was? Celia's need to go dancing and be groped was because?

Somewhere I missed the storyline. The point of it all was?

You had a chance at some good storytelling about her real relationship with Marcus that you passed on. Still good.

So let me get this straight

the cuck is still friends with the first whore who cheated on him

and despite all the evidence the second whore was cheating on him he still married her without a pre nup?

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One I dont feel sorry for morons who volunteer for abuse

Two it it legal to allow the mentally retarded to marry?

Sad to see comments from guys who hate women, or just as bad are afraid of them. They don't understand what a good relationship with a woman would be like. Biases their worldview.

Enjoyment of a story depends partly on how well the reader can identify with the protagonist. I was too pissed at the guy as he ignored clue after clue. (Also, it is annoying when you use apostrophes to make plurals.)

Celia seems more a plot device than an actual character, you never get any compelling reason for why she does what she does. Too many holes in her story overall, she's mostly there to betray the protagonist and get crushed in retaliation. Of course, him being guileless certainly makes it easy.

Guiless? Fool me once it's my fault. Ignore a second time that's trying to hit you over the head and you're an idiot.

Learn from your mistakes; or repeat them!!! GET A DAMNED PRE-NUP!!!

Good story, a little outside of typical clichés the author usually uses. I was wondering the same as MarkT63, the main character was described as shrewd businessman burned by one marriage although not financially, he sees bad signs in ongoing relationship, has all these friends and ... not one iota advice was offered to him about the pre-nup?? All these friends that went through effort to arrange financial divorce settlement could not figure out to give a pre-nup advice? I am also getting a little bit tired of the writer's propensity to have always the same female character in all of his stories - foolish, delusional, easy to deceive woman that gets easily manipulated by some snake and turns into a complete bitch. I know this is a cliché of many BTB stories but if you intend to be a good writer you need to get away from that. Why would a shrewd man want to get married to a foolish woman?

The marriage never had a chance. I good spouse is faithful from before the wedding and adult enough not to get into trouble because of something as simple as boredom. After that mistake, his fate was set. It's good to have friends.

I just read the last 2, sometimes 3 pages of this author;s stories depending on the overall length and pretty much know exactly what is going on.

Another great story. Thanks for posting. 5 stars

Not bad. Not great. Coulda been better.

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Biggest deficiency….never did explain WTF Cecelia and Marcus were all about. And why she was so insecure/immature/stupid to trash what should have been a great marriage.

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3 ***

Just too neat. All his ducks fell into a row without any work on his part. Writing was good though, and that's a bonus.

I think Just_Words nailed it, Celia was never going to be a good wife. She showed her true colors on more than one occasion before they married. Either Cam wasn’t paying attention or he thought she would change. Well, guess what, the time for change is immediately after they got engaged, not after the wedding. She definitely, with help from her little friend Marcus, screwed him over, but he gets part of the blame. He just wasn’t paying attention. Pretty good story, though, I enjoyed it.

Pretty good story, I liked it . Just some spelling and grammar errors but not enough to ruin the story.

Nagyon jó író vagy ,elolvastam minden írásodat,összességében nagyon jól szórakoztam , élvezet volt olvasni jó lenne ha folytatnád az írást!! Köszönjük!

köszönöm

Nother good one! 5 stars

Let me see if I have this right. The woman this guy is dating seriously and is thinking about getting married to is spending spending the entire evening on the dance floor with somebody else and ignores him completely except to bring her a couple of drinks. When the main character finally Confronts this woman Celia says that she had no idea that ignoring him and spending the entire evening on the dance floor with somebody else dirty dancing might upset him.

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There are 2 possibilities here. 1st 1st Celia is Mentally retarded. Nobody with a functional brain could ever see that ignoring your date dirty dancing with somebody else for hours on the dance floor might be aggravating or offensive. If the woman is really that clueless and that stupid he certainly should not have married her.

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The other possibility is that she knew exactly what she was doing....that it would bother him and thought it was her right to dirty dance with anyone and that he could either accept it or not. In that case he definitely should not have married her

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In either event her actions on the dance floor should have Proven beyond all doubt that she is certainly not a person to marry. There's nothing wrong with Sylvia not being ready for a long term serious commitment and marriage but clearly she was not. And there never should have been a marriage

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This guy was supposed to be smart? His first wife leaves him because she's gay. His second wife is a cheating slut and after his first experience he doesn't get a pre-nup? He never sees Marcus coming? Of this guy was any smarter he'd fall down in his tracks. Dumber than a stump.

Another stupid story with a delusional divorce outcome. In the real world. The Cunt would not get the house as it was his before the marriage and they weren't married long enough for her to get 50%. But lets face it. He was a complete 100% bottom of the line LOSER! That is the only conclusion one can make of this mess as NO ONE with half a brain would have married this CUNT. No one to like in this POS.

3 stars and only because he divorced her. The rest of the story about the business was sort of OK.

The 2 female relationships the MC chose, were just too stupid to contemplate - the first, a Bi-sexual or just plain lesbian - the second, a party girl slut - that he knew was going to be a problem, before he married her. There are PI companies in Oregon, just like everywhere else in North America. He could have had the all the evidence in his hands, long before the wedding.

Disappointed that Marcus is still alive at the end of the story. Had hoped John and his associates had arranged for a final solution of that dark problem.

So , our idiot protag is dating a girl .

She clearly shows him she's a dance slut and coal burner .

Our brilliant protag thinks,- DAMN , I better marry this trashy mud shark who is obviously cheating on me with these gangbangers !

One star for IR stories

I can't have much sympathy when the main character had seen enough long before getting engaged to know what the outcome of the marriage would be. As written this story should have ended at the early dance club date, though it could have been saved by toning down the future wife's behaviour so that the future wasn't so clear.

The clueless mentality of your MC ruined this. Instances of too dumb for belief.

1. Watches his gf being felt up and nearly fucked by a ghetto black dude, who she clearly had more than a casual relationship.

2. Repeatedly having trouble putting obvious clues together she was cheating on him.

3.How could he expect a marriage to be sustained when he's gone all the time. This doesn't excuse her but he seems oblivious as to the deep effect on her.

4. He is a needy sip: "Oh please care about me! I'LL put up with nearly anything if you will care for me.

5. Cecilia is a slut but, emotionally, he's a total loser.

Presenting this type male MC plays into the Femdom weak, dumb, submissive male.

I simply reject this theme.

No happy ending , no wife and kids ? He couldn’t see she was a slut! And she took 25000 without a fight . And Marcus had a knife and he should be in crutches or worse!

Decent story but an explanation was needed as to why Celia acted the way she did. Was she in it with Marcus to take his money from the beginning? Enquiring minds want to know.

I saw a comment by angelrider on your evil woman story. She is right about your heroes. You have a propensity to make your male characters super businessmen, ambitious, smart and talented while also developing them as complete fucking imbeciles in their relationships.

This story is a prime example of that. This dude was a simpleton. I will concede that your stories flow well but your decisions are consistently horrible.

Wanted to give it 5 stars but settled on 4. Needed to see Cecelia suffer more and maybe have that conversation of regret. Ending left me a little unsatisfied but a great story otherwise.

MC was a bit of a clueless schmuck. His friends bailed him out on several occasions.

How did the MC think a marriage with Celia would ever work? If you can't trust them, then seriously how will marriage fix that? Not talking about some isolated case where they fight, she gets drunk and crosses a "dancing" line and they argue and make up afterwards. Even then hold off on the wedding and get some counseling or at least really talk it out. But seriously putting a ring on a spouse's finger doesn't change their behavior or personality. Kim was different. She came out of the closet. It sucks but there was no malicious intent. Just a bad match for marriage but they remained good friends. Totally different.

Lack of a coda about Celia cost a ⭐️

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3 ***

one thing though I don't get how quickly Celia fell out of love with her "true love" and husband. OK so she flirts dances and apparently sluts around - not sure though why it turned into such a level of disrespect and hatred and so fast.

You really wrote the Cam character as a massive dumbass pussy. His first wife divorces him and he stays friends with her. She deceived and lied to him so he rolls over and let's her tickle his tummy. He allows Celia to do what she likes. The way younwrote thier interaction it is obvious to a deaf dumb amd blind person that she is cheating but he cant see it. He really is a pussy. How is he such a succes in business.

Well told story.

Nice story, well done!