All Comments on 'The Deal Pt. 01'

You're losing the story in too many words.

A novel idea and well written. But to really enjoy a story the reader needs somebody to empathise with, unfortunately in this case there's not one likable character. She was a bitch from the start and he, although with some justification turned out to be just as bad, the husband, we know very little about, apart from he's a thug and a bully. The upshot is that because I can't sympathise with any of the characters or their actions, I really don't give a toss what happens to them, and not caring is probably one of the worst criticisms a reader can give. I will though read the next part, if only in the hope something might change.

He is a lawyer who is risking his livelihood if he caught by the police. Public indecency.

Also, she was a bitch the way she dumped him but it doesn't deserve his treatment of her. I would have thought his anger would have dissipated after six years.

Only 3 stars. Maybe more if the story doesn't go off the rails. Writing was good.

Great start....

Mc gives of the same psycopath vibes as the MC from pawns gambit. Are the rest of the chapters going to be more of the same stuff?

I have read elsewhere on this site that Rhenquist has passed away. While not knowing if this is correct or not, I think it fair to say that they were one of the most talented writers here and an inspiration to many.

I have the impression that the story has escaped you.

The relationship should be kept secret. She's in the middle of a legal battle with her divorce, he's breaking lawyer-client professional rules, and even more he's engaging in sexual blackmail.

And they end up showing off in a restaurant and a parking lot ????

The premise reminded me of Rourke/basinger with a soft sadomaso exhibitionist relationship.

I'm gonna be honest, I stopped reading a couple of paragraphs into the second page, I'm not sure where you think you are going with this but up to the point I stopped reading it was a damn near word for word copy of the story that inspired you.

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Now that is to be expected if you are going to go off on a tangent, but at no point did I see any divergence, also the original was seven pages, how much more did you need the characters defined?

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The woman was still a lying cheating slut, and the MC was a pathetic piece of shit cuck, near as I can tell the only differences so far between the two stories is she showed up back in his life 3.5 years earlier than the original, meaning she cheated on 2 fewer boyfriends, and for some reason not yet apparent she didnt cheat on her current husband. And you updated the salary to account for the last 15years of inflation

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Honestly you should have changed the character names and a few of the backstory details and never mentioned Renquist's story at all. Becuase all you;ve done is highlight that you HAVENT made any changes whatsoever at this point

Nice first chapters but Please just dont make it a stupid RAAC

Obviously to e continued and they have been photographed which blows their case apart.

Looks like straight up plagiarism, to me. I read paragraph after paragraph of Rehnquist's actual text. Uncool.

Train wreck

Borrowing or being inspired by another writer's plot is common and acceptable. Using their characters without permission is not cool. Why not use the basic plot and create your own characters? Just because Joel did not respond, it does not indicate you have his blessing or even his permission. If you post much, you will eventually have characters you create on your own, or at least you should. You will not like it they are "borrowed" without your expressed consent.

In the second sentence of your story you have "hiring unknown's". I am sure you were told in a few basic English classes to not use an apostrophe to make a word plural. That's as far as I went.

At least one character should be likable in a story. Who can give a shit about these scum.

Very good!! I can’t wait for the next part!

He is despicable. Everything the MC has done is an ethics violation and would bring disbarment.

I liked what you have written, however if you directly use someone else's prose, please identify by making them bold, or italic, or by some other method show the reader can separate your effort from the original author. As an FYI, may have used the same approach with various versions of "February Sucks".

Good stuff but I have a. Purple thoughts. You elected to skip developing Shannon’s character depth up front, forcing the reader to try and fill the gaps retroactively as our hero reminisces. She’s in the middle of divorcing a powerful man and we are to assume he isn’t watching her? Intro sounds like the story is written, so let us know how fast chapters will get released. 4.4*

I liked it because I think I can guess where it's going. I'll probably enjoy it even more if I'm wrong though??? Not too sure about using someone els's story without permission, but at least you tried; Some of us writers (me not for some time here) have found our scribblings reproduced elsewhere without use knowing.

i tried to read it. But it just seemed contrived and not believable. And then I thought, this is someone else's story anyway. I guess I don't really respect "finishing someone else's story". Why not just take the basic outline and write your own story? Ever heard of "inspired by..."?

Went out on a limb and gave it a 4 because of the hint of why she broke up with him and I find it interesting.

A major problem is all the public humiliation.

He's almost certainly going to doom his case if he's found to be involved with his client.

I think good hard loving is exactly what the female character wanted. It's in the story so not sure why there's some commenting orherwise. Try commenting on RAW = READ AS WRITTEN and not you you think it means

MC is risking his career to get some pussy and a feeing of revenge. Erik is a bigger asshole than Shannon was when she dumped him. Best revenge for him would have been to refuse to take the case and watch while he husband takes everything away from her.

Is this a repost?? I have read this story before on this site

Wow harsh critics... I pointed out that I used the characters and plot line from Rehnquist as a starting point. That's where it ends as Rehnquist's is a fairly short story whereas mine is five times that. I chose to keep the first chapter almost Identical because it made sense. Thereafter it deviates wildly. I'm sorry if I upset anyone. Judging from the multiple authors who re-write orher authors stories I thought it was both acceptable and common practice. I wrote this story because Rehnquist's spoke to me so much. English is my second language so expect mistakes. I'm also new at this but I think that my grammar, syntax and tense are mostly reasonable.

Oh well...

Your English is not bad for a second language, for sure. An editor would be a great help. Normally, using another writer's characters requires permission as the characters are intellectual property. This is not a site that expends a lot of effort in policing unacceptable posts. Keep writing, but either get permission in the future or use your own characters, please.

A good start. I hate series though, as I am so impatient to move along the story. But I will wait for this.

Good beginning!

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Renquist stories were ALL exceptionally written.

Let’s see what you can do. A great start so far, neigh sayers should apply pen to paper themselves and show their unmatched prowess with the written word. I can’t imagine R would begrudge you carrying on with the idea. Character use may be a skosh much but many stories use the same names, you’ve announced it ahead of time so and I believe that was intended to extend the story. More please and we’ll see!

TK

So, I read all of chapter one by Nicktee and it deviates significantly after the first bit so whoever claimed it was plagiarism I guess you got that wrong. I thought the whole interplay at the restaurant was super hot and it seemed like Shannon was into it as much as the MC. I can't wait to read the rest and let's give the guy a break. It's only his third story and the first two were awesome

It’s intriguing and engaging. I like that I’m still trying to figure out how it progresses. I mean the direction could be obvious, but I think probably not as simple as it seems on the surface. Her statements that she would “come back to” Erik, are perplexing: she dumped him once, why would anyone believe that was sincere?

Enjoying so far

Thanks for writing

It's not plagiarism, in my mind, if he's explaining and giving due credit to the original author. It's not like he's making money by doing it. People start and stop on this site all the time, some move on to other things and some really move on for good. I agree with Keisha that these characters aren't very nice people and that's being polite. Sounds like they're self serving assholes, so far.

The first chapter was fairly well executed, but he's such an unlikable character it's hard to see through the smoke of his anger to the actual story.

This was/is hands down one if my favorite Rehnquist stories. Always enjoyed how the origional ended up with a strangly sweet ending. Like the idea of expanding on the origional, especially like how you seem to be tying her motherhood to her character growth. Your 'Pawn' story was well written, but had a fairly depressing outcome. Hope this is going in a different direction.

Impressed that you have achieved a rarity in delivering genuine, well-drafted, erotica.

Nothing about this scenario entertaining.

MC should have declined to deal with his EX at all...and especially for sex. As a reader, hard to give a shit about a lawyer who would go there and a gold digging ex.

Yep, your chapter 1 parallels the original story, l liked that story and am looking forward to you developing yours, it sounds like it will be good.

I score you 5/5 and look forward to reading more of this tale of yours as it develops.

Well done!!!

Don’t despair of the critics, this is LW after all and you’ve got some damned fine authors in your corner already.

You write well and your stories are interestingly well written .

Forget the critics and keep on writing.

As l said 5/5

So how many more chapters? Will they all have this BDSM vibe?

Good beginning, am looking. Forward to next piece.

I enjoyed this first chapter a lot. I remember the first story, and this is definitely equal with it so far.

I really hope you've written a different ending though.

I hate reconciliations, especially where the woman in question is now a single mom with a couple of kids. The reconciliation is basically her winning, as she gets the cucked ex-husband (or ex-fiance in this case) to raise some other man's children. I don't care how you try to present that as a happy ending, it's basically a big L for the man.

Just to forewarn you, this will get an automatic 1* if they reconcile at the end.

It’s hard to like a story when all the characters are so unlikable. However, he is such and ass it is driving me to like Shannon and understand why she left him in the first place. He was just a closet ass at the time.

It was a stupid story when Rehnquist wrote it. Can't bear to go through it again.

I dont care your doing an alternate, my problem is you said inspired by and the did an almost word for word rewrite for the first portion which was after giving everyone the link to the original and the FAILING to mention in your intro the first chapter was a carbon copy

Story line is very intriguing. Other here have stated career ending possibity.

Who gives a shit. Steak cooked in septic or municipal sewerage?

LOVE slap-hapy-papy #9

Shannon screwed him over once, and maybe realizes her mistake. Just maybe she's changed enough to make him a good wife, and father to two adorable daughters...

A good start to the story, enjoyable read. Like other comments you should have created your own characters.

Thanks for writing..,,

MC is a fucking pile of shit. Shannon is a cunt, however they have been apart so long.

It's one thing to use another author's plot and characters for inspiration, as stated in the introduction. It's quite another to copy verbatim almost two Lit. pages from another author's work without attribution. The more honest way to do it would be to state "My version begins at the point where..." and perhaps include a paragraph or two of the original for context.

He is the best to the saying What are 1000 lawyer on the bottem of the sea?

A GOOD BEGINNING

TOO much witless trivial dribble. If you were writing a novel that would work.

Great start. looking forward to the next chapters

Mild revenge?

Way too close to the original to the point of plagiarism. The 1st half was almost the original story verbatim.

Public sex with your client, who happens to be your ex, when the opponent has the resources to keep an eye on you, and look into your histories? Just shitting on the model rules, and expecting a long and fruitful career? Just bring on the aliens, angels and ghosts.

This wasn't great as Rehnquist's original. No improvements by upping the sleaze factor

Doing shit in public with his CLIENT was a very stupid move. Otherwise…..nice story.

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4 ****

Eh lost me when the Mc turned into yet another sleezy lawyer/pimp

Decent writing, dreadful story.

This is a pathetic story for divorced dudes. Man I'm glad I ain't one you, because this is just sad.

Great first installment, you hooked me! Cant wait to see how this turns out.

Dear Muncher354 - thank you gor letting us know what an under endowed loser you are. Next time try reading the story before you regale us with your inconsequential opinion based solely on your sad inability to read much more than - see spot run...

Why is there always a vocal minority ready to post an ugly comment. The stories are free and anyone can write what they like. If you think you won't like the story don't read it. If you read it and don't like it offer positive and considered criticism to the author. It's not like you wasted your money. If you liked it and want to tell the author do so. Can we also remember that the loving wives category is about wives behaving badly in an erotic sense. I'm not quite certain how its been turned into what it is today. I think the author should have published this under Romance where it would have received an overall rating of 5. Well done this is the best Loving Wives series of 2023

To repeat what so many others have already said. The restaurant scene was one of the most erotic things i've ever read. Thanks. I'm onto chapter 2 with high expectations.

Anonymous for a reason.

Good start. Thanks for your writing.

Wonderfully erotic, the restaurant scene made my pussy as wet has hers. What a great start to the series. 5* . Whose the idiot Muncher? Get a life to somewhere else to Get your thrills.

Hmm, I thought it would be some drama, but for now it seems more like a sex story.

NickTee has delivered the most erotic scene I have ever read on LW. I'm with Helen 1899 on that - I was as soaked as Shannon. I wonder how much of Erik is modeled on NickTee personally. In the final chapter he said that he wrote this for his wife. Lucky girl!

So much of this was just a cut and paste job from the original

@oldtwit.... I'm re-reading the Deal for the third time and after the first page which should gave been Italicized tonindicatecthe original, thereafter it was pure NickTee and I'll say it again that the restaurant scene ending in the carpark got every woman who read it sopping. I shared it with some girlfriends and let's just say that their men were very happy later.