All Comments on 'The Divine Gambit Ch. 06'
by Kemmers
- 8 Comments
Anonymous6 months agoI like this story a lot, it feels more true the nature of things that go bump in the night, particularly elves and how they regard others with disdain. Thank you for writing this story and I look forward to reading more!!!!! Awesome work!
BarryAllen88815 days agoThis story has a great premise, but some solid wordsmithing is in order. I’ve noticed how glaringly intensely superfluously verbose each paragraph is. You’ve gone hog-wild with adverbs. Adverbs are *everywhere*. The fact that Cynthia *gracefully* took over the cooking when Beth became distracted is *frankly* irrelevant. You’re trying too hard to be *overly* descriptive. Beth nodded “ uncharacteristically sagely” is glaringly verbose.
The other aspect of verbosity is how longwinded the characters are. Sam telling James to throttle his magic so she can get a trickle, and James’ response is 3 lines of him telling her he’d never hurt her. The reader knows this, and there is already an implication that he wouldn’t. A more realistic reply would have been “Ok, I’ll try”.
Lastly, the language that is used isn’t realistic to the characters, especially at their age. If James, Beth and Sam are late teens, early 20s, they’re not using words like “endeavor” or “preemptive”. As painful as it may be, you may want to watch some TikTok, Snapchat or Youtube videos to hear how young people are speaking these days.
Kemmers@Kemmers
