The fall and rise of a marriage

Brian

Monday Nov 2, 2020 8 PM Call from Debbie to Mary

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RING RING RING RING RING RING

"Oh please Mary, please please be home. Please don't drop me into voice mail. Oh God I can't stand it. Please please Mary be home."

CLICK "Please leave a message after the tone. " BEEEEEEEEP

"OH GOD NOOOOOO" and I broke into tears. All I could think of was the word TOXIC when a new beeping came from my phone. Looking down at it, the caller ID showed Mary. Frantically hitting a series of random buttons, by sheer luck I somehow connected and heard my friend's voice. I couldn't understand any of Mary's words, but knew that it was my friend.

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"Wait a minute. This is Debbie? Debbie?" I couldn't understand a thing on the call. It was all gibberish. Looking at my phone it said Debbie and remembering the stress of my friend, I took a step back and asked slowly again "Debbie? Is that you Debbie?" The answer was more sobbing and random crying noises. "Deb, if this is you, please make three noises in a row." I'm still not sure about Deb's sanity but then I heard her voice say "MARY" before her next round of crying began.

"OK, slow down, take a couple of deep breaths for me." I paused for a minute and then I continued with "Just go slow. I'm here to listen Debbie. Take your time." In a couple more minutes she finally got out something that I could understand. "... HE SAID THAT OUR MARRIAGE WAS TOXIC." Deb then broke out in another round of crying.

This has long night written all over it.

...

"Now look, it's past 10:30 and I'm due to wake up at 4:30 for my early morning shift at the hospital. You agreed that you're going to look in the Blue Cross/Blue Shield directory for a therapist for you. They should be doing ZOOM sessions so that will make things easier for you.

"Remember.." I was about to say that the fat lady hasn't sung yet. That's an old vaudeville line. To clear out the audience, they'd put somebody out on the stage that had really awful singing to make it painful for anybody that was going to stay till the very end. If the fat lady hasn't sung yet, the show was still on. Problem with that line was that Debbie was overweight.

"It's not over Deb." Then in a flash of insight I said, "The healing is just starting."

"How am I gonna do it Mary? How?"

"One step at a time. One day at a time. You got things to address. Brian has things to address. And finally, you both have things to address, together."

"What if he..."

"That's another day. It's not today. That'll be another step."

...

Thursday Nov 4, 2020 8:30 PM Phone call of Brian and John

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The phone rang and I answered it. Brian and I scheduled the call yesterday for now. "Hello?" The answer was not in english, it may have been a grunting or even heavy breathing, but I had no idea. The caller ID said "Brian, the other brother", so I knew it was him. I heard a sniffle. I knew that Brian was in a bad place now. "It's ok Brian, take your time. I'm here for you."

Brian and I are not emotional in front of people. Sure, our eyes 'leaked' at the marriage of our kids and the birth of our grandkids. Both of us alone cried after the death of our father. Our mother was in the later stages of dementia then. The next 14 months were hard on us. We had to distract her when she asked for our father, her husband of 62 years. Together, we cried alone after her passing too.

Only when we were alone, did we cry, and that was rare.

"Brian, it's ok just let it out. I'm here and it's ok."

It took a couple of minutes for him to let it out. Years of frustration started to boil over. I just listened.

"She finds something wrong with anything and everything. That person is driving 10 under the limit. That one doesn't stop all the way at stop signs. The other one speeds. That woman parks outside the lines." Now he started talking faster and louder with each new word. "She finds fault with everybody and everything. NO ONE IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH. SHE HAS THE BEST WAY OF THINKING. SHE HAS THE BEST WAY OF DOING THINGS. SHE'S NEVER WRONG. DON'T EVEN THINK THAT SHE'LL EVER SAY SHE'S SORRY WHEN SHE'S 'MISTAKEN'. IF SHE DIES AND GOES TO HEAVEN SHE'LL TELL ST. PETER WHAT HE IS DOING WRONG. EVERYBODY HAS TO BE ABLE TO DO WHAT SHE DOES. IF YOU CAN'T THEN YOU'RE FUCKIN' LAZY." Brian paused and then screamed "I'M FUCKING TIRED OF HEARING IT ABOUT OTHERS. I'M FUCKING TIRED OF BEING THE GOD DAMN TARGET. I CAN'T TAKE THE EVER LASTING DRAMA FOR EVERY FUCKIN' THING." At that he started wailing. A wailing that was years in the making.

I quietly told him, "It's ok Brian, let it out." For the next 10 minutes, years of frustrations drained out of him.

Brian and I learned at an early age to get along with people. It helped that our mother had a very sensitive 'trigger' anger. We had a lot of practice with her. Her brother also helped us to understand her. Along with tips on how to handle her, some of the other things that we learned from him is that 'the ass you kick on the way up may be the ass you kiss on the way back down'. Give people a break and they may remember it and may give you a break later. Brian and I rarely got in anyone's face -- unless we really had to.

Debbie was always a force to be reckoned with. She was bad before, but got much worse with the COVID pandemic. We're all stressed with the disease. Now, it was so much worse. How can you rail against a virus that doesn't give a shit about anything but itself?

When Brian was able to recover, I listened to where he was at now. As the night progressed, he was even able to talk about what his goals were. Divorce was discussed, but it was only spoken about as a possibility -- to be tabled now.

As Brian and I talked, my wife Sue would stop on by and wave. Brian and I lovingly refer to Sue as 'She that must be obeyed'. Debbie was always super 'annoyed' when we did it. Deb felt that it was degrading, but Sue and I and Brian thought it as a term of endearment. Sue stopped by every 30 minutes pointing out the time to me. After 10 PM, she did it every 10 minutes. From the start of the call till over two hours later, Brian decided to make a ZOOM appointment with a Social Worker Therapist, an LCSW with over 20 years of experience for his own therapy. I felt relieved, but Brian was ambivalent and I couldn't blame him. Another one of the better things that he was going to do was to email Deb with a ZOOM appointment with a marriage therapist for the both of them.

Sunday Nov 8,2020 Brian and Debbie phone call

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"I'd like to thank you about the finances. Your unemployment is still being direct deposited into our account. What are you doing for money? You have to have some expenses in Wisconsin."

"I'm still waiting till March to claim my full social security benefit at 66 + 2 months. I sold off my antique shotguns and a couple of other things that I don't need. Me being away shouldn't hurt us financially."

"I wish you'd come home."

"Sorry but that ain't gonna happen. We have a ton of work to do on our marriage. That has to happen first."

"We can't do while we're at home?"

"Among other thing, I'm tired of you not listening to me."

"But I do listen to you."

"BINGO"

"Bingo? What's bingo?"

"I just told you that you don't listen to me. Instead of believing me or even talking to me about what I told you, you immediately tell me that I'm wrong. Even now, I'm sure that you're now thinkin' of trying to come up with ways to tell me that I'm wrong and you are right. What I think doesn't figure into anything. Do you get it now? This conversation is over. Good night."

CLICK

Monday Nov 9, 2020 Debbie 1st personal Therapy session

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"How long has it been since Brian left the house?"

"It's been over 4 and a half weeks. He only contacted me about a week ago to tell me where he was at."

"That's when he told you that your marriage was 'toxic'?"

"Yea"

"How did you feel about that?"

"I was worried as hell for those three weeks and imagining the worse. Divorce was a big fear for me. But him dying somewhere was a very close second. I've gotten a whole lotta 'tough love' from my close friends and relatives in the past weeks. It was painful to hear toxic from him, but I'd been nailed against the wall with my behavior for those weeks beforehand."

"What are your goals?"

"I want him back home. I know that it's gonna be painful...to me. I don't know if he'll be open to want that too. We have a ZOOM appointment together with a marriage counselor for next week."

....

Tuesday Nov 10 2020 Brian's first personal Therapy session

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"When did you leave Debra?"

"It's been 33 days, but it feels like months."

"Why is that?"

"The lack of stress has to be a big part of it. She's not telling me I'm doing anything not according to her standards. I don't have to listen how the world is wrong. Stress and tension is not being manufactured for anyone's benefit. Even with the news, the local news is FOX or that other one that also slants their news and opinions. Livin' without that screaming in my ears has been really peaceful....errr... Sorry, I should be talking about my marriage."

"It's ok. The other stresses in life are real too. Those stresses are part of you too."

"Oh yes, back to Debbie. There's just too much going on in life. I've been decompressing for weeks now and it was only a week ago that I contacted her. I told her that I wasn't gonna read or hear anything from her until I was ready. That's when I told her our marriage was toxic." He closed his eyes briefly and then he continued. "You have no idea how great these weeks have been."

"Why did you leave?"

"First off, I needed to protect myself from her 'COVID FRIENDLY' activities. I'm at high risk for complications. Our neighbor was really damaged after getting it from her clueless grandkids. The second was that I was fed up with our marriage. I'm accommodating. I don't push, demand, control ... all I want respect and working together. It wasn't fucking working anymore. She went out and in effect telling me 'FUCK YOU' to be with her friend and put me at serious risk. That level of disrespect wasn't that of a partner. I've had it. That's when I bolted."

"What are your goals?"

"That I'm having a hard time with. I'm still vomiting out a lot of anger and meanness. And I sent her a time for an appointment with her, me and a marriage therapist.

.....

Tuesday Nov 17, 2020 6 PM 1st marriage session Brian, Debbie and Therapist Judy

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"OK. We've now set out the ground rules, got the initial goals for our sessions and we're all comfortable with ZOOM 6 PM Tuesday, 50 minute sessions. Are there any questions?" Both Brian and Deb nodded no.

"We still have 20 minutes to go for this session, who wants to start?"

There was silence for over a minute, so I realized that I needed to prime the pump. "When we started today, you both mentioned that you had spoken with each other recently, but that the call ended abruptly. Brian, can you talk about it?"

"I think that I know what this is all about. I told her that she doesn't listen to me, she told me I was wrong, I called her on it and I ended the call."

"Deb? What do you think happened?"

Deb was looking a bit flustered. She began slowly to say something, but stopped. The third time, she was successful. "I want to start out saying that this is something that I'm starting to work on in my personal sessions. I just started on it and it's hard for me to do this." She looked at the floor then back at her computer screen. "I was asking Brian to come home and he said that he wouldn't until we had worked things out. He said that one of our problems is that I didn't listen to him. I said I did, he said that I didn't and he hung up."

"Sorry to break in Judy but Deb, you didn't respond to me. You just shut me down telling me that I'm wrong. Not your exact words, but saying that you do listen to me and not respond to me is telling me that I'm wrong. I'm not anywhere in that answer but to be wrong."

Deb was visibly becoming more and more agitated. "Deb, what is going on inside of you when Brian said that you were not really addressing his concerns?" Deb pulled back into herself immediately.

"When we are in these sessions, it's sometimes very hard to hear things. I can understand that this may be painful"

"Painful? I feel that I've in the crosshairs of a sniper scope like a deer and I'm going be taken out."

"How about we look at this a bit differently. Think of this as a clue to the treasure. What do you think?"

Deb's face immediately became angry. "OK. HE WAS RIGHT. SATISFIED NOW?" She immediately closed her eyes and hid her face.

"Deb? Why can't your husband be right?"

"Yea Deb, why can't I be right? You have to be right all the time, so why can't you ever be wrong? Is there a law about that? Husbands don't get equal rights?"

"Brian, if you could hold on that that for a minute. Deb?" Deb looked blankly at the screen, but my voice caused her open her eyes and pay attention to me. "It really bothers you. Why is that?" I waited.

It took a minute for her to respond. Very quietly, barely above a whisper, and not looking at the screen she said "I have to be right. I can't be wrong, I can't be weak."

"Thank you Deb. I've waited to hear that from your fuckin' mouth for decades."

...

Tuesday Dec 14, 2020 Marriage session Brian, Debbie and Therapist Judy

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"So it sounds like you both have been talking with each other a bit more between our sessions together." I saw two heads nodding yes and that was a good sign. We've been meeting for the past several weeks and it has not been smooth sailing. In therapy with married couples, the therapy depends upon so much. These two have been making progress.

"Last week, we were talking about how each of you coped with the other. Brian, you were talking about the decisions you made over the years to 'calm' Debbie down when we ran out of time. Can you talk a bit more about that now?"

Brian closed his eyes and his face became hardened. This was going to be difficult for him to say and for Deb to hear. He rubbed his chin and waited to say something 'correctly' when Deb started to break in to say something. "Sorry Deb. This has to be done by Brian, Brian alone." She looked a bit annoyed, but stayed quiet.

"I think that what just happened is a good place to start. Deb's ahead of everybody, and if she's not, then she gets ticked." I saw Deb scowl while Brian exhaled. "You have no idea how difficult it is to live with somebody like that. I had a choice. Either be ahead of her, and then she'd still get pissed half the time ... oh I'm sorry. She doesn't get pissed, she gets 'ANNOYED'." His hands made quotation marks in the air when he said it. "Or I just let her run things." He closed his eyes and exhaled. Deb was on the edge of her seat. If this was third grade, she'd be the one waving her had in the air wanting to answer the question for the teacher.

"Point is, it's draining. It is so fuckin' draining. I'm not part of the marriage. I'm the flunky hired hand." He remained silent while Deb wiped tears from her eyes.

"I don't know what's wrong with her, but it's really damaged our marriage. I'm not a marriage partner and haven't been for years. We got the kids launched, a big goal for both of us. They were more important than me. I chose that. I hoped that things would get better with Deb after the kids left. Things did get a little better for a while. But it never was better enough.

"I don't understand why she's so angry all the time." He was quiet for a minute. "I do understand that I'm emotionally hurt most of the time. I became a master in shrugging things off. I guess that we're a matched couple. She dishes out shit and I take it. If we ever add some sex to our near non-existent sex life and we'd be a perfect BDSM couple."

Deb was now crying outright while Brian was choking back sobs.

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Friday Dec 24, 2021 Call with Brian and Debbie

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"So you'll be with our daughter Shelia, her husband and our grandkids for lunch tomorrow. Our son Ron and his family will stop on by for desert after 5 so I'll video call in after 6."

"Brian, I know that we're workin' on things, but it's really hard with you not being here. I mean...except for the time I was delivering Ron, we were always together at Christmas."

I wanted to run home this night and be there tomorrow, but I knew that I shouldn't. We've made some progress, but we had a shit load more to go. Besides, I wasn't thrilled about the weather as well as I still had a lotta repairs to go here. Staying together and workin' things out is the person that I am. My last ditch effort was me running away, but finally engaging with Zoom counseling sessions was part of my progress.

"Yes Deb, this will be the first. If it wasn't for ZOOM, I wouldn't see any of you."

"Brian? Do you think that we're making any progress? I'm scared."

WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED? DEBBIE ADMITTING FEAR? WHAT THE....

"Excuse me Deb, what did you say?"

"Have we been making any progress?"

"Deb?" I waited a bit to start speaking up again. "I'm scared too."

...

Tuesday Jan 19, 2021 Marriage session Brian, Debbie and Therapist Judy

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"Brian, you appear to be a bit upset over what Deb just said. Can you tell us why?"

As Brian has done before, he slowly inhales, holds his breath and then much more slowly exhales. I know that he's trying to put his thoughts into words, careful words that will not needlessly create more disruption with Debbie. She's better at not reading negative things into his words. He's said in the past that unless his words were exact, she'd tear him apart -- finding real or imagined meanings in his words. He never has the option to freely talk off the top of his head. He has said many times, that he did not have the freedom to just be free with her. He tries to be careful in his words. Sometimes now even he thinks that he's more careful then he 'should be'.

"Did you know that there's only one correct way to boil water?" Deb cringed and I realized that this was going to be another example of their control issues.

"You see, a specific pot should be used. A specific burner is to be used. A specific heat setting is to be used. And finally, a specific pot lid should be used. Oh, I forgot, the pot should also only have a specific water level. God help me is all of these non-negotiable demands are not met."

He rubbed his forehead while closing his eyes. Deb was quietly crying.

"Deb has to be in control. It really doesn't matter what. She gets an idea and that's that." He paused before he continued in a softer, world weary quiet voice. "There's no room around Deb for anybody but Deb."

Deb was sniffling several times were then followed by her blowing her nose. Then Deb signaled me and Brian to speak. This was one of the important things that Deb had been working on -- allowing others to talk and for her to listen. It's only after that -- acknowledge what they said BEFORE she can reply. I motioned for her to start.

"First off, I now know that the boiling water bit is way over the top. Brian would keep the tea kettle half full and just take enough for a cup of instant coffee or herbal tea. I did ask him a couple of times to be less wasteful, but he fought me on it. I finally got so pissed that I demanded he do it may way and hounded him if I ever saw him do it any other way." She exhaled, looking defeated.