The fall and rise of a marriage

"Being right, being efficient, being frugal ... all took a back seat to my marriage. What did you say a couple of weeks ago? Something about all our decisions have to be for OUR marriage.

"I get it that Brian was upset about what I had just said. I was back to making the world...no, make that Brian's world ... conform to me and me alone." Looking worn, she became quiet.

After a minute, Brian spoke up. "Deb, there's another thing. I have a part of this mess. I'd get so burned out before that I wouldn't even acknowledge you or your feelings. I gotta say no to you. You gotta be ok with me saying no to you in my respectful way without all your fuckin' drama. You need to be able to respond to me, in a respectful way, that 'no' is ok answer to you. No, not you, US. It has to be OK with us."

.....

Tuesday Jan 26, 2021 Marriage session Brian, Debbie and Therapist Judy

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"Brian, we've discussed about this before ..."

"STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO ME IN THAT ARROGANT AND CONDESCENDING VOICE AND TONE." The anger showed in his voice, his face, his entire being.

"I HAVE MEANING. I AM WORTH SOMETHING. I DEMAND FUCKIN' RESPECT. I'M DONE FOR TODAY."

Brian disconnected from the ZOOM session and it only Deb and I were left. The look of shock on her face was followed by sorrow and defeat.

"Deb, let's take some time to settle down and then we can talk about things. OK?" She nodded while wiping her eyes.

Deb and Brian have been making some progress in the past several weeks. As in many cases for couples, two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes it was two steps backward followed by three steps forward. For some other couples, it was the start of realizing that the break up was going to be permanent.

After a few minutes, Deb started talking. "I get it. I really get it." She wiped her eyes again. "I know that I'm better. I know that I'm smarter. I see the answers before anyone else and I'm impatient when someone doesn't see it as quickly as I do." She continued to wipe her eyes.

"He's right you know. I hold everybody else in contempt. Well, maybe not contempt. I just think less of them because they don't ... Maybe Brian is really right. We shouldn't be married."

"Deb, who does your taxes?"

"Brian does. I handle the bill paying. He does taxes and the financials. We both agree in general budgets and big purchases. I do the bill paying. Why did you ask?"

"I've listened to both of you and have seen that there is a division to the responsibilities in your marriage. In one session you told us that the taxes and retirement accounts were something that you had no interest learning the intricate details needed. As long as you had a summary, you didn't care what the accounts were invested in. In fact, you didn't really want to know was the risk level of the mutual funds in all of your 401Ks. It was only after he forced you that you'd listened to him about it. In the end, what he spoke about was very important.

"For the house, you've helped repair and rehab, but he did the planning and heavy rehab and most of the repairs. In fact, I remember the incident when he tried to tell you something technical and the consequences of about rewiring the garage in a certain way. You just shut him down and told him to do it quick. It turned out later that it wasn't what you really wanted and then fought about it until he redid his work to what you finally said that you really wanted."

At this point Deb was intensely interested in where this was going. "You see, both of you have different strengths and interests. You may consider that you are smarter in certain areas, but you've demonstrated that you are not in other areas."

Deb scrunched up her face, exhaled and sat quiet. "So it's back to me not listening to my husband, not taking him into account ... It's me not recognizing that the world does not revolve around impulsive me. That I'm...."

BEEP BEEP

I saw the request for Brian to rejoin the Zoom session. "Oh, I see we've got some company back with us."

"Sorry Deb and Judy. I just needed to get away before I said something real stupid..."

"Sorry Brian. It was me that said something stupid. Once again, I didn't recognize you and your feelings, just my own." Deb and Brian were quiet for a minute.

Then at once, both of them said at the same time, "Please forgive me."

...

Tuesday Feb 23, 2021 Marriage session Brian, Debbie and Therapist Judy

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"Deb, why were you so hard on Brian right now. He really didn't do anything that warranted your response. He asked why.

"Please tell me about why you were so hard on him right now?"

As the sessions went on by, Deb was slowly opening up. Many clients would still exhibit similar negative interactions with their spouses -- or 'jump on them for shit' as a client once told me. The difference now for Brian and Debbie started being more open to talking about the 'whys' instead of just blindly defending their actions.

It took a minute or two for Deb to begin. She was starting to pattern her behavior slightly after her husband's. Thinking before acting and considering how the partner was going to feel when something was to be said have been happening with her much more.

She finally started with an "I guess?" then nothing more. Brian looked at her with slight disapproval. He also was moving to where he needed to be in this relationship -- to more present in the relationship. Deb shook her head and then forcefully plowed in.

"I'm fat. I've never been skinny. I'm way over my marriage weight. I'm way over my college weight. I'm fat and we all know what fat girls do.

"Fat girls have to put out. I was never gonna be a fat girl like that."

Brian started to say something when I motioned for him to wait. He nodded and continued to be riveted.

"Brian didn't say anything wrong. What he did say triggered me. Nobody is gonna take advantage of me. NO WAY -- EVER." Deb started to tear up and wiped her eyes. That's when Brian stated quietly talking to Deb.

"You know Deb, for years I've never cared about your weight. Only in the past couple of years have I started to care about it. Why? You have diabetes in your family and that's a terrible disease. I know that I'm preachin' to the choir to you on this one.

"Our relationship began in college and we had a couple of rough parts. I know that I was a bit immature and did some stupid shit when I was seeing other women at the same time I was seeing you. I haven't done any stupid shit like that with you for damn near 38 years.

"Can anybody really take advantage of you? Yea, you offer to do things for people and then when they sometimes don't measure up to what you wanted ... and you go fuckin' ballistic.

"We're not takin' advantage of a fat girl. That's all on you. I don't care about your weight. Never really have. It may just be my personality. I don't command. I don't take over. I try to be grateful for whatever comes my way. No single body owes me shit. I have to give myself freely -- even when it never comes back to me. What good is holding on to that fuckin' anger and that other shit?"

It suddenly became very quiet. Deb and Brian were at the differences between them.

Deb motioned to me to talk. "What do we do now?"

Brian started chuckling, tried to stifle it, then slowly broke out into full fledge laughter. Deb was immediately horrified, then angry and then fuming in a matter of 10 seconds when she stopped. Brian and I saw her face go blank, the light in her eyes then changed and a slight smile crossed her lips. She smiled a full smile, then chuckled and followed that with a low laugh that kept getting louder and louder.

When all the laughter trailed off, Deb started to talk. "It took me a while to figure out that this is why we're here. DUH with a capital DUH."

Brian smiled and started to speak. "35 some years of marriage and we finally directly talk about how we chose to go through life."

"And Brian, how we don't really deal with the way our other half does."

...

Tuesday Mar 16, 2021 Marriage session Brian, Debbie and Therapist Judy

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"So Brian, we've been going over Deb's fears and reactions for the past several weeks as it was part of her life with you and your family. What do you think about it now?"

Brian has been a very involved husband in these therapy sessions. He's been invested in the process. He also tried to sit on his hands when he realized that he needed to so Debbie could put her own self 'on the table' for all to see. Over the weeks, I've seen him express his anger, hurt, fear and love. He tends to put himself after his family then after his marriage. He knew everything that Debbie needed to talk about. He was also on target as to why Debbie was the way she was. As long as we were making progress, he had demonstrated his patience to wait.

One of our written goals of the therapy sessions for this marriage was for him to be more present, not take a back seat in the marriage. He exiting during a session a few weeks ago -- then returning -- was actually progress in that goal for him. It was time for us to move that way now.

"We've made some progress. Together. Together some progress." he said somewhat haltingly. "Deb's started to listen to me and not write me off so quick."

His tone, inflections and body language said something else. "Brian, am I hearing a 'but' in the near future?"

Brian closed his eyes, once again preparing his words. "I still don't think that I'm really half of this marriage. I still feel that I have to break in or I'll be steamrolled over by her. It shouldn't have to be this hard. I should just be allowed to just be, not have to stand my ground for everything. Why do I have to fight to be heard and listened to?"

At this point Deb motioned to speak and I nodded yes. "Brian, I have some bad news for you. Well maybe not just you, us." She cleared her throat and continued. "I know that I'm in your face. I nit pick like crazy. I need to have things run my way. I hate to feel annoyed by anybody. I know that I'm so insecure that I take any minor thing as a serious affront or as a deadly threat to me.

"Yea, there's a ton more stuff like this." She paused and slowly exhaled. There was a look of determination on her face. "You've seen me work on that. Can you agree that there's been some progress on that?" Brian nodded yes.

"Some progress, not perfection. I'll know that I'll sometimes do the controlling shit again and again. Some progress. But it's better?" Brian nodded yes again.

"Is that and our working on it for the rest of our lives good enough to continue our journey together?" With an urgency in her voice, she continued. "I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. I'm learning to live with my imperfections. I'm also learning to live with other people's imperfections. Even yours." She smiled a silly smile at him. He understood her poking gentle fun, poking fun at this tense time of their lives was a sign of endearment for them.

"Is this hope enough?" The determination and fear was now radiating from her face.

Brian sat quietly. He almost spoke several times before actual words left his mouth. "I think I'm more hopeful now than I ever been." He smiled, then added, "We're getting close but we're not there yet. But yea, it's the hope that is carrying us forward."

There has been many times in which each of them would ask the other if they should continue. Each has worked at admitting their faults and failings. Both have moved on to making changes in their behavior. It's been a step at a time.

Deb and Brian were now negotiating changes in their marriage together. They were taking the 'tools' that they were experiencing in these sessions to forge a new way to live with one another.

...

Tuesday April 6, 2021 Marriage session Brian, Debbie and Therapist Judy

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"Deb, I wanted you to know up front that I'm scheduled for my first vaccine shot of the two next week. There's a spot near Madison that I signed up for it."

The session became silent. Vaccines were a hot button issue with this marriage. Brian was following the science and Deb was not so sure. This was going to be a test for them both.

Deb started speaking quietly. "I know that this is dangerous and ...". Brian did not break in, he completely spoke over Deb and never gave her the chance to finish.

"I know that you aren't into the science. I am. The risk of COVID complications is much more dangerous than the side effects of the shot." Deb was nodding and motioned to Brian to speak. Only after he stopped speaking that he realized that he was loud and had cut her off. Sheepishly and with a look of embarrassment he smiled at her. "Sorry Deb, please continue."

"I was saying that the vaccine COULD BE dangerous. Please get a hotel room and spend the night near Madison. I'm worried that something might happen to you. I'll be calling you every hour and ..."

Brian smiled and nodded yes.

"Thank you Brian. I need to be there for you. You doing this is you being there for me."

...

Tuesday April 20, 2021 Marriage session Brian, Debbie and Therapist Judy

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"Brian, I have some news for you. I think that you'll be happy." Deb was beaming. I could see a smile that I only rarely seen in these months of therapy.

"Our daughter Shelia will be picking me up on Thursday and we'll both be getting our first vaccine shot together."

Brian was shocked. "WWWhat happened? Why?"

"I saw that nothing really happened to you. I've also been looking at the experts. The anti-vaxxers, the political pundits and the ... well ... I felt that ... let's just say that I no longer listen to them. Then our daughter asked me if I wanted to get the shot, and I said yes."

This shot was not just about the shot. It was also showing Deb and Brian working things out together. Another couple in therapy with me made the opposite decision. She got the shot and he moved out and stopped the joint sessions with his wife. I was not surprised. He was not invested in the marriage and used multiple excuses to distance himself from her. It was just an excuse, a very transparent excuse to end that other marriage.

...

Monday May 3, 2021 Brian and Debbie Zoom Session

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"Deb, what are you going to be doing about Laura?" We've worked out many issues, tabled some and left other hanging. How her friend Laura was going to be handled in this marriage was a big question for me.

"Brian, first off, let's get something straight." She looked at me to be almost fierce in her determination. Frankly, I was worried.

"We make decisions for OUR marriage. Got it?" She smiled and I exhaled.

"She'll still be my friend. IF we meet, it will be outside, distanced and masked -- both of us."

"What about all her conspiracy shi ... errr ... stuff? She gets on a soap box and doesn't stop. Hell, she can't be stopped."

"Brian, I'm taking it from you. You've been telling me nicely that something that I'm doin' is wrong or at least questionable. Then we get to discuss it nicely. And what happened when I still continued and went off the deep end, kept pushing and became unreasonable?" At this, Brian smiled. "Right, you'd tell me that it was time for you to leave. I realized that it'll be hard, but I gotta do the same to her."

Brian smiled at me again. It's been a rough road for us, but with us both listening more to each other, we've been able to improve in how we interact with each other in ways that are actually healthy for OUR marriage.

"Deb, there is something that I'm starting worry about. I've been following the news and there's something called DELTA is starting to happen in Europe and Asia. It doesn't look good."

....

Monday May 24, 2021 Brian and Debbie Zoom

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"Deb, there is something that we really haven't covered." My mind was screaming out SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX. Our sex life wasn't great beforehand. Two different people, two different sexual drives, two different wants and needs ... two different ...

"Brian, wannna let me guess or should we jump into it with both feet?" She looked a bit pensive, but with a slight smile. Since we really started to talk WITH AND LISTEN TO one another, we've both gotten much better 'knowing' the other. I've waited for years for this to be part of our lives again.

At the start our relationship, we were pretty much sexually in tune. College students tend to be 'new found' sexual beings. But like most marriages over time, life, kids, getting ahead in life, jobs, mortgages, kids ... did I say kids? ... and whatever else got in the way. There was a time 20 years ago when she wasn't so into it that I finally would tie her up with my old neckties and make her come. Only then I'd fuck her or shove my cock in her mouth while fucking her with a vibrator. I did it just so I would get something. Getting her off before me was important for me. I really tried to not be a selfish lover.

Funny thing, it did excite her at times. I used it as an opening to try some fantasies - for both of us? But nothing ever became of it and that part of our lives slowly drifted into the past.

There were times in the past 10 years that I got so pissed that I'd just give up if she was not part of our love making. She had a girlfriend that told her that she'd tell her hubby 'do whatever but don't expect anything back'. That she'd lay there till it was over and it was OK by her. No way for me. I don't masturbate in vaginas.

It shocked Debbie the first time I was pumping her and realized that she was just waiting for it to be over. I pulled out, turned over, shut off the light and went to sleep. It took a couple of those before she got the message. I'd rather live in my head, or by my hand, then be tolerated.

I needed to have that interaction, that caring, that human contact when making love. I've been missing it for a long time. Sometimes it was there and I guess that it was just enough to have the marriage continue. The 'Prime Directive' was the kids. They were more important than us or me. They were launched and now that we were working on this marriage together, we needed to work on this too.

Over the years, I remember asking her to direct me, communicate with me, guide me on how to specifically pleasure her. Her attitude more than half the time was that 'I should know', 'I should pay attention', 'I should ....' Fuck, I was happy when I found anything that would work for her. That god damn sense of entitlement ...

"Making love for us Brian hasn't been as good as it could be."

"Where do we go from here Deb? Our drives are different, our wants are different, our needs are different and our capacity for bending for each other ... different?"

It was over 2 hours later that we called it a night. We didn't solve things, but it was a good and healthy start. We did know where and how we going to go forward.

Tuesday Jun 1, 2021 Brian and Debbie Zoom session

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"You know Debbie, I'm pretty close to finishing up the cabin." I paused, waiting for her to say something.

In an angry voice she bellowed out "IT'S ABOUT FUCKIN' TIME." Then she broke out in laughter. That's the thing about marriages, the 'core personalities' will always remain. It's the marriage, and the devotion to the marriage that actually 'sandpapers off' the rougher edges. She set me up for the joke and I enjoyed it. Months ago this would have been devastating. Now, it was a tender connection.