The fall and rise of a marriage

Forward:

There is no sex in this story. (WOW, I just dropped 75% + of my potential readers...)

It is about a marriage that was in trouble before COVID, the rebuilding of that marriage and the craziness of COVID on the people around us -- as well as us.

The major situations in this story are true, but the names, sexes (sometimes), locations, relationships ... have been changed. The core of the individuals in this story remains true. The deaths, hospital admissions, infections, personal actions, denials, destruction, some of the exact dialogue and attitudes are all true. I have either experienced it first hand, it was shared with me by trustworthy friends and relatives, and sometimes it was on the news -- the real verifiable news, not something unsupportable said for a sound bite or a 'gotcha' that substitutes for intelligence. (Oh boy, this shit will now hit the fuckin' fan from the cults ...)

It is a bitch to see the deniers come down with COVID. Some of them got hospitalized in the ICU and some of those died alone in an ICU ward. This is not politics, it is public health. In my [humble] opinion, anybody who wants to make this political doesn't really give a shit about anybody but themselves. A previously close family member can no longer look most of the rest of us in the eyes any more. This is because the spouse spent two weeks in an ICU and then a regular hospital bed. That was followed by time in a skilled nursing facility. That spouse still cannot breath without additional oxygen. Their lungs are not expected to be whole again. The denier will never forget the bullshit that came out of their mouth months before this happened... "COVID is just bullshit. Take some meds and it goes away." Their previous words are pretty fuckin' hollow now that their spouse almost died. Oh, you don't like reality smacking you in the face? Yea, that's right, bad things only happens to other people, not me...

OK, I'll stop my ranting. It doesn't mean that I'm still not pissed...

Once again, you've been warned. On the other hand, please bitch and moan if you need to. Comments that are stupid, not follow medical science ... will be deleted -- but noted in my comments. From my experience, I will laugh at you, and pity you at the same time.

Will Rogers:

"There are three kinds of men.

The ones that learn by readin'.

The few who learn by observation.

The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."

If this is more than you can take then ...

SAVE YOURSELF AND GO TO THE NEXT STORY.

If you really need to bitch and moan and live in the land of pretend while you defend 'your freedom', please do it in an enclosed bar with other like-minded people. You'll probably meet a couple of my near and distant relatives, the ones that were not hospitalized -- or dead -- yet?

I've never said that I'm a practicing Christian.

By the way, please be sure that the ICUs in your area are not at capacity. Just found out that a friend's family member that lives along the Ohio flowage just had a heart attack. That person had to go 120 miles to find an open ICU bed. COVID patients have overloaded the regional system; whoops ... UNVACCINATED COVID PATIENTS have overloaded that regional system.

Play the game, have others pay the costs.

For this submission, I have used Microsoft word to suggest editing and spelling. All grammar and spelling mistakes -- real or imagined -- can be blamed on the Author due to his very bad keyboarding (FAT FINGERS), his attitude, and that he only read and reread this damn story at least 45 times. Oh yes, add his pigheadedness to the error reason list.

I hope that you are satisfied.... (Do I love self sarcasm...)

On with the story.

From decline to recovery of a marriage

Friday, October 9, 2020 A Chicago working class suburb

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"Where are you going Debbie?" I paused before starting again. "We've talked before about going out during COVID."

I waited 30 seconds while she stared at me silently. Her face rotated between scorn, anger and a hint of sorrow and maybe regret? NAH. It was just anger and probably indigestion too. She was fuckin' 'annoyed' again. Then she solidified into being super pissed, her normal 'go to' look. Somehow she kept the vitriol in partial check this time.

She barely kept it in check.

"Where are you going Debbie?" I asked. "We're both are at risk. And I'm so much more at risk than you. I'm the one with the lung issues. You're the one with the autoimmune issues."

My voice was measured, controlled, and very much contained and constrained. I've put everything into not exploding, not letting loose, not showing I was even 'annoyed'. I was asking as a concerned husband of 35 years. The concern was real. It was the only way to attempt to reach her. If she ever felt a little bit threatened, she'd go off the rails and attack anyone who dared to confront her.

I was being overly calm and respectful. No negative emotions were in this conversation. My wife could pick up anything negative and I've been practicing to stay 'supportive'. The camera app on my phone and Zoom sessions with friends really helped. I had practiced this over and over again.

Being this calm and controlled actually was beginning to hurt.

"Where are you going Debbie?"

I knew the answer because I overheard her talking with Laura. They were going to have dinner inside a restaurant and then go to a crowded bar with their younger workmates. Both places and groups of people did not follow the COVID protocols. Everybody has been working remotely, but her younger co-workers getting together weekly after work hadn't stopped with COVID.

The last time this happened with Debbie, I self-quarantined. It was two weeks of living alone in the basement. From below, I was monitoring her movements and health, cooking on a camping stove and sleeping alone on a blow-up mattress. She spent most of her extra time when she was not working remotely on the phone with her friends and relatives. I got to watch anything I wanted and didn't have anyone bitch to me about anything. Her extra 'digs' and anger didn't translate very well with texts. It frustrated the hell out of her.

The bottom line was that I can't risk getting COVID. That last 'Covid escape' incident with her was in early June. It happened right before our neighbor Beverly went to the hospital. Bev was 7 days on the ventilator and then 4 weeks in rehab before she came home. She still has some Covid 'Long Hauler' symptoms, and it's been months for her. She used to be a healthy 62 year-old with no pre-existing conditions. She got COVID from her two grandkids who couldn't be bothered by following the protocols or staying away from her or their parents. The worst part is that they somehow 'neglected' to tell her about their bar hopping and other clubbing. They kept saying that they were careful-- careful my ass.

From all this I found out something very important. I found out that there is a god.

Because she was in the hospital, she couldn't pay for their community college tuitions that she said she would. Their parents had to quickly come up with the funds. Now the kids have to work more hours in their part time jobs and both took out student loans that their parents wouldn't and couldn't sign for. The grandchildren are starting to hurt financially because the parents don't have that kind of cash, even for our local community college. Our neighborhood does not have much extra money. Those kids now have to make tough financial choices and live with the results.

I found all this out after Beverly got back from the hospital and rehab. We were talking 'over the fence' outside while we were both masked and 6 feet apart. Bev was so pissed that neither of those grandchildren will ever see another tuition payment from her and won't be seeing more than a dollar from her will. Their callousness drove this granddaughter of Slovaks and Lithuanians on her mother's side and granddaughter of an Okie and a Pennsylvania coal miner on her father's side to see them as the spoiled brats that they actually are. They really didn't give a shit about anybody but themselves.

Beverly told me about how they are trying to 'make nice' to her. Being on the ventilator that long really changed her attitude and health permanently, and Bev has carried grudges before. I knew Bev well enough that this was never going to change. She's lucky that she has enough retirement funds from her late husband that she'll never need her grandchildren to care for her.

These kids are going to have to make it on their own. There's going to be a lot of growing up and living on ramen and boxed mac-and-cheese in their future. Going out is going to be McDonalds for them. Payback is a bitch and Bev will never let this drop. She was the wrong purse to fuck with.

"Where are you going Debbie?"

"Brian, I'm just tired of working from home, from being at home, from only seeing people by ZOOM. I got to get out."

She paused for a couple of seconds. I was not going fill in any of her blanks.

"I'm going out to dinner with Laura. Then I'm coming home."

"Really now? The restaurant has a tiny dining room and no outside seating. What about the bar you're going to after dinner?" The shocked look on her face said it all. She's so fuckin' believable. "Straight home?" I paused and stared into her eyes, eyes that were purposely looking away from mine. I walked right in front of her and got in her face and she couldn't turn away. "So you think that this is a safe thing to do? Do you think that this is a safe thing for me? The infection rates are skyrocketing. I'm at risk. You're at risk. Why are you putting me at risk? Why?"

She got a bit of a sheepish look on her face. "I'm just tired of it all. Nothing happened last time. You were still OK after I went out."

By now my controlled demeanor was starting to unravel. "Do you remember that I spent those next two weeks in the basement after your last 'vacation from COVID'? Does my health have any meaning to you?" Now I was starting to escalate. I was getting louder. "Does it? DO I HAVE ANY FUCKING VALUE TO YOU?"

She pulled back with a jolt. "Well, Laura said it was going to be OK and..."

I broke into her right away. "LAURA LIVES IN LAURALAND." This shocked her into silence. She immediately understood what I meant. Nobody ever successfully confronted Laura on the bullshit things that she'd say. In our group we 'Live and let live', 'don't demand that everybody follow what you say', 'allow people to have their own opinions'... yada, yada, yada. That's always been 'the rule' in our group. Everybody has an opinion, as well as an asshole. Sometimes those two things went together. As long as somebody is not hurting anybody, let it go. I'm far from a control freak until somebody puts me or others at risk.

"Laura believes whatever she wants and doesn't believe in anything that she doesn't want to. She gets an idea and runs with it. You remember the time she 'just knew' that hydroxychloroquine was going to save her? She stole it from somebody she knew and two weeks later sun burned badly. Then she peeled for weeks. When you self-medicate and don't read the drug's warnings, you can get into real trouble. Laura just feels, she doesn't think."

I knew that I was going to win this battle and lose the war. I needed to calm myself down and get back into 'support mode'. I dialed back to being the supportive 'nice' husband. Quietly I continued, "I know she's your friend but do you remember the last thing she said to you before you went out last time?"

Debbie had a thoughtful look on her face when I broke back in, "You were leaving the house and she said that if you get COVID, you take some meds and you get better. It's no big deal. That it's all a scam. Why don't we ask our neighbor Bev about this? Then Laura went into the 'THEY ALL LIE' bullshit. There's a shit load of people in this world with integrity. Anybody that says they 'THEY ALL LIE' has no integrity."

I looked into her eyes, "You have been spouting parts of her shit to me, to your family, to anybody that will listen." I waited 10 seconds, "Why are you saying something and acting on something that is so wrong?"

"Look Brian, I just got to get out. Nothing is going to..."

I lost it.

"LIKE OUR NEIGHBOR BEVERLY? LIKE HER TIME IN THE HOSPTIAL? LIKE HER TIME IN REBAB? LIKE..."

"I'M GOING OUT. GO SPEND THE NEXT TWO WEEKS IN THE BASEMENT. YOU CAN..." there was a honking of a car horn. "She's here. I'll see you when I get back." She bolted out the door calling "ON MY WAY" to the 'Queen of Lauraland' as she ran.

Some laws cannot be broken, especially the 'Law of Unintended Consequences'.

Life had just changed dramatically for Debbie. She just didn't know it yet.

Monday, October 12, 2020 A call from Debbie to Mary

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...

"Slowdown Debbie. Now tell me, slowly this time. What happened to Brian?" It was my third time to try to understand what was going on with my friend. Being a team leader, I've had some supervising experiences and training that was always helpful with my 'excitable friend'. I knew that Debbie could be a handful and she almost always was. She is the wonderful 'calming' combination of thin skinned and thick necked.

After some crying and hearing a couple of 'slow down and take some deep breaths' from me, Debbie finally got some control.

"We had a tiff on Thursday and ..."

"What was it about?"

"Oh nothing important. Then I ..."

"Debbie, what was it about? And don't give me nothin'. I know you. Now tell me."

Debbie started out stammering. Then she took a deep breath and resolved to be truthful, as truthful as she could be. Her baggage always got in the way.

"I ... errr ... I went out with Laura. When I got back I saw that his bed clothing was gone and the radio was playing in the basement." She paused and I broke in, "I take it he wasn't in the basement?"

"No. This morning I didn't hear the radio. We had a power failure last night and the radio didn't go on until 2 this afternoon. I called down and there was nothing. I 'breached' his quarantine by going down the stairs and he wasn't there. Over half his tools are missing, the camping equipment, most of his clothing ... I checked his meds and they are gone too. He also took his financial papers and copies of our federal taxes and his passport and the old laptop. The car is gone too." She started to cry. "He's left me."

"Have you tried his cell?"

"It just goes to voicemail."

"Sent him an email?"

"No reply."

"Called any of his family?"

"And risk getting the third degree from them? Not on your life."

"Risk not worth your deteriorating marriage?"

Debbie started to cry again. "Why leave? We were always able to work things out."

"To be honest with you, frankly I'm surprised that he hung on for so long. There's only so much that anyone can take and ..."

CLICK.

The dial tone became the only sound on the line. I thought 'This is going to take a whole lot of work. Start with a call to Brian.' Hitting a couple of buttons I got his voice mail. "Hi Brian, this is Mary. Do you have time to talk with me? Me alone. Please?"

Friday October 30 2020 Northern Wisconsin

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"Hi Brian, it's your brother John. How are things goin' this week?"

"Can't thank you enough for the cabin. It's great on so many levels."

"Come on, you know that it ain't my cabin. It's my sister-in-laws Joan's one floor cabin." We laughed at the old running gag between us. It was an old line from a vaudeville routine. "She's really grateful for you takin' care of the deferred maintenance. The way she looks at it, all she has to do is supply the building materials, the propane, electricity and some small stuff. You supply the labor and help empty the freezer of walleye, half an elk, the deer meat and the assorted fish. You get to buy the rest of your own food. She gonna try to sell the cabin in the spring or summer. The two years it took her husband Bob to decline and pass was awful on her. She's really thankful for your help."

"These last three weeks up here has been great. Let her enjoy being with her daughter and her family in central Ohio while I'm in wonderful solitude up north here." Brian paused to smile. "Do you know that no one has told me I've done anything wrong since I arrived weeks ago?"

"Well Brian, I hate to bring this up, but have you..."

"NO!" I never let him finish. Then I stopped myself. My anger shouldn't be put on my brother. I took a loud breath, twice, then twice more to calm myself down. "Sorry John. I'm still so pissed at her. I've blocked her phone calls and deleted her texts and emails.

"I'm actually feeling pretty good up here. I've been letting the stress and anger flow away from me. It's like taking off a heavy blanket each day." Brian paused a bit. "Each day it's better, but I have no fuckin' idea how many 'blankets' I still have to go."

This time I paused a bit. "Look bro, you've been with her for nearly 39 years. We all know the pain-in-the-ass she is. And we all know that no amount of us talking to you or her is goin' to solve anythin'." I stopped speaking for a couple of seconds. "You both need professional help. All of us back here just listen to both of you. Nobody has said a peep on where you at, what 'ya doin' or how ya doin'. You need to tell her somethin'." I loudly exhaled slowly, and then waited.

"John, I'm fuckin' drained. I am just so fuckin' drained. I don't have the energy for this shit." But I knew that my brother John was right. I couldn't say another word, my mind was overloaded.

"Brian, just think about it, OK? You know that I'm always here for you." That's when I heard John's voice sharpen. "Just don't fuckin' call me at 2 in the morning, drunk on your ass and tell me while crying 'I love you man'." We both roared. Make one mistake in high school and he'll never let me forget it. God bless him for that. Our parents never found out about that one. They were on their first and only Mexican cruise that spring. It is so nice to know that you are really loved by real family.

Monday Nov 2, 2020 2 pm Email to Ron and Shelia, Brian's and Debbie's grown kids

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...

I'm sure by now that you both know that I'm no longer living at home. I'm in Northern Wisconsin repairing Aunt Joan's cabin, alone.

I do not need to explain to you why I'm away from your mother.

You of all people would understand, so please do not go there with me.

Do not intervene. Your mother and I have to work this out, or not.

It is not your call or responsibility.

However, please support your mother.

I will not be home for either Thanksgiving or Christmas this year.

I hope that will be ok with you.

Between the roads and the weather, I will not be traveling until sometime in the late spring or summer.

I am at a point now that I would like to have some video face time with you and my grandchildren.

I miss them and you.

Leave me a text on the best time to get together.

I love both of you and your families.

Dad

Monday Nov 2, 2020 3 pm email to Debbie from Brian

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Debbie,

I'm repairing Joan's cabin in Northern Wisconsin.

I am alone. She is in Ohio with her daughter.

I am doing well. It's pretty peaceful up here.

I have you blocked on my phone so I will not take your calls or your texts.

I delete all your emails and texts without opening any of them.

When I am ready, I will let you know when we can talk.

Our marriage is toxic.

I will not be home for either Thanksgiving or Christmas this year.