The Fallout

Just at that time, Tom came in to the lounge. "Sorry Uncle Bill. What was that?"

"Just thinking Tom, how our lives have turned out so far. This chair, well not this actual chair, used to be where I would sit. The television, a much smaller, basic one was over there." I pointed to a space where a pot plant now stood. "I used to sit here after work for a while, having a beer while your mum would prepare dinner if it was her night to do so. A lot of things have changed since then Tom."

"Uncle Bill," Tom started and hesitated. "You and mum were married before Dad married mum, right?

I didn't like where this was headed, but knew that the questions to follow were probably ones that Tom dwelt on while growing up. "That's right Tom," I answered.

"What happened to you guys?"

There it was. The question I dreaded to answer. The question which had an answer that could devastate Tom, as it devastated me so many years ago, and truth be told, still devastated me today. "Tom, I know you have probably had that question bouncing in your head forever. Did you ever discuss it with your mum?

"I tried, but she always answered that you two just grew apart and got a divorce. She said that you did some silly things and got sent to jail for them. Some very serious illegal things which she wouldn't tell me about. She said that you had chosen not to see me anymore."

These last words came out in a rush and I could sense the emotion behind them. "Poor kid," I thought. "He has never been told the truth of it. He honestly thinks I didn't love him anymore and that is why I didn't try to see him."

"Tom, some of what your mum has told you is true. What I am about to tell you might be a bit harsh. Always remember that there two truths to every story. Your mum has her truth and I have mine. Do you understand, Tom?"

He nodded gravely.

"Tom, your mum and I were the happiest couple in the world. When you were born, you came out of a love which had no bounds. You were a fulfillment of the beautiful love that your mum and I shared. We both just couldn't get enough of you. We would playfully trick each other to get to hold you more, be with you more and just sit and watch the young you develop and grow. Our 'Tom Thumb' was growing before our very eyes. Growing in a loving home. This one." I had to pause as my eyes again started to tear up. So had Tom's. "Did you want me to continue Tom?"

He nodded.

"Tom, everything was fine until your mum went back to work at the hospital. You know how much she loved and probably still loves nursing. She started spending more and more time with," I was about to say, "bastard," but stopped just in time. "She started to spend more time with John. He was the one who gave her the job in the first place. He arranged for them to be together every shift, so that he could talk to her more and more. Eventually," I paused here, trying to find the words, "Eventually John convinced your mum that she would be better off with him, rather than me. He was a high and mighty manager, and I was only a lowly mechanic, a grease monkey he called me. Your mum believed him more and more to the extent that she looked down on me and started to regret being married to me. They started to behave more like a married couple while they were at work."

"What do you mean by that Uncle Bill?" he asked. "What do you mean like a married couple? Do you mean that they started having sex together?"

"I didn't want to go into that detail Tom. But I see that you're fourteen now and not a kid anymore. Yes, they started having sex at the hospital every chance that they had. They had sex behind my back Tom. I didn't know about it for some months, but eventually the truth came out. They tried to hide it from me while your mum was still married to me. When I found out about and got the evidence I needed to confirm it, I was the angriest that I have ever been. I am not normally an angry person Tom, but I got so angry, it frightened me. We divorced then, but I am afraid that my anger led me to do things that are seriously illegal and I was sent to jail for eight years. It was my own stupid fault and I deserved to be sent to jail. What I did nearly destroyed your mum and ba.. John."

Tom looked at me, expecting me to go on. I didn't so he asked, "What did you do to get sent to jail?"

I hesitated before answering. Did I want Tom to know this? I decided to. He deserved the truth from my perspective and if I wanted to ever have a decent relationship with him, I couldn't start lying now. "I posted a video of them having sex online and I tried to steal as much money before the divorce as I could." There. I had said what needed to be said.

Tom burst out laughing when I told him those truths. "You what? That's some seriously high grade shit! Oops, didn't mean to say that. Sorry. That's sick!"

"I know Tom. It was sick of me to do it. I am sorry I ever thought of that as a revenge for what happened to me. I should have just accepted the divorce and moved on. Maybe then I would have been able to see you more often and we could have a normal life for a divorced family, that is."

"No. No Uncle Bill. You don't get what I mean. When I said, 'sick', I meant cool!" He smiled at my lack of knowledge of the modern slang.

"Well, sorry Tom, but the courts didn't think so. I did get sent to jail you know. You don't know how many times I waited for my name to be called during visitation days. No one ever came to visit. I thought that your um and her new husband had left town. I'm sorry Tom, but I gave up on ever seeing you again. I was resigned to living the rest of my life without you. When I was finally released after all of those years, I got on with my life as best I could. As an ex-con, it was much more difficult than I thought. I was blown away when the court system, the system which put me behind bars would actually ask me to care for you at this time. I would have thought that they wouldn't touch me with a barge pole! I think Jane had a bit to do with it, but of course, I'm not sure. Anyway, I am as frightened as hell about this situation right here. You're my son, yet we're complete strangers. I don't even know where to start with getting to know you. I have been a bit of a recluse recently, so my social skills are not up to scratch! As for my dad skills, well they are definitely set back in the ice age."

Tom seemed to digest everything I told him. He was obviously in turmoil about the two different versions of what had happened so long ago. "Uncle Bill, and I promise I will try 'Dad' soon, thanks for telling me what you did. You might need these." He reached behind him to where an open box of tissues were. I didn't realise it, but the tears were streaming down my face. The telling had opened too many old wounds.

Then followed a settling down of routine. I would make breakfast for both of us. Tom would eat and wander off to school. I would wander off to work. The sly bickering about my situation eventually slowed to a manageable point where I could go to work feeling sort of happy. My reclusive habits of the past few years were beginning to disappear, so my workmates started to see the real me again. Workplace banter replaced the past sly digs. I would arrive home before Tom and get as much housework done as possible. Tom would arrive home and soon after, Jane would call in to see how everything was going. She could see that Tom and I were getting along fine and even commented to that effect on day. "You guys are doing fine. I think I will only come once a week from now on. Which day suits best?"

I answered that Wednesday would be best, as we seemed to be less busy then. Tom usually had his homework done and I was up to date with everything house related. That was settled. Tom and I visited the hospital every second day. He would usually sit with his mum and tell her all about what was happening. I waited in the waiting room during these visits. I still couldn't bear to see that cheating whore. Tom understood my reticence to go into her room, but would still comment on how she was looking when he came out.

Tom's school was very supportive of him whenever they could be. One dreaded moment when he gave me a letter from the school, informing me of the up-coming parent-teacher interviews. He looked at me expectantly as I opened the envelope. "Uncle Bill, you will come with me, won't you?"

I choked up but promised him I would. This would be the first official time that I would be recognised as a parent/carer of my child.

I greeted his teacher and she asked immediately, " And you're?"

"Hi, I am Bill Yates, Tom's dad." I answered in as normal a tone as possible.

"I see. I notice that a Mr John Hampstead is listed as Tom's father. Just excuse me a moment." She left to see the principal, or some such administrative person sitting nearby. On her return, she was most apologetic. "I am so sorry Mr Yates. Please forgive me. The office records have not yet been updated to represent your current, ahh, situation. I am, however, very pleased to inform you that Tom is progressing extremely well. His grades, as you can see from his report here are excellent. He is fine young man who works very diligently. All of his teachers comment on his excellent work ethic and his ability to get on with everyone. You should be very proud of him."

I looked at Tom, who was looking very embarrassed. "I am and thank you."

The trip back home was very quiet until I broke the silence. "You know I meant what I said Tom."

"What was that Uncle Bill?" he answered.

"I am proud of you. Very proud, son." I stopped talking as I could feel my throat tightening again.

Our routine was well established, but was rudely interrupted one Wednesday evening. Jane had just arrived and as we opened the door to her, she received a phone call. "What? That's exceptional news. I am here now. I will let them know immediately. Thanks." She signed off and looked at both of us, but directed her news to Tom. "Your mum has come out of the coma and is conscious. She can't talk properly yet but is able to take a visitor. Or two." The last bit was for my benefit.

Tom was beside himself all the way to the hospital. "Mum's ok! Mum's ok!" he kept repeating.

"Tom. That's great news, but I have to tell you. Don't expect too much yet. It takes a while for all of your mum's systems to function properly after such a long time in a coma."

I know Uncle Bill, but at least it is a step in the right direction, right?"

"Yes, it is Tom. I am so happy for you." I couldn't add the same about his mum.

It was a frantic experience. Tom immediately rushed to his mum's room where a group of nurses and other medical people gathered around Evonne, adjusting this, charting that, fluffing pillows, etc around her. I kept forgetting that these people were her work colleagues and were just as eager as Tom to see her. Tom was allowed to sit beside his mum and immediately took her hand. He kissed his mum on the forehead and she opened her eyes. The smile she gave cause everyone in the room to sigh and become teary. I even almost shed a tear as well. Almost! I was outside the room, looking in. Evonne tried to speak, but only her lips moved. The long time with breathing tubes, etc packed down her throat had left its mark. Luckily Tom did most of the talking until the medicos ushered him out while they continued their post-coma necessities.

"Can we come again tomorrow, Uncle Bill?

"Yes, of course, Tom. We will come every day as soon as you get home from school."

And , so, a different routine emerged. Tom home, off to the hospital, Tom inside the room talking and leaning close to his mum to hear her ever-increasing volume of whispers, me waiting outside the room, catching the occasional glimpse of the cameo inside. Once I thought I saw Evonne move her head towards the door, but I had seen her slow movement in my direction and I just ducked behind the door before she could fully see me. Tom gestured in my direction, but I did not acknowledge his intentions.

Tom was extra-quiet that trip home. "Uncle Bill," he started. "We have been honest with each other ever since we re-connected, haven't we?"

"Yes Tom, I believe we have. What's on your mind?"

"This evening mum asked about who was looking after me and how it was going. I said Uncle Bill and she asked who I meant. I told her and she gasped. I thought that she was going to have a seizure or something. She asked me if you were there at that time and I told her that you were. She tried to look at you, but you were gone when she looked. She wants to speak with you. How do you feel about that?"

I was astounded on many levels! First, I was astounded that Tom felt comfortable enough with me to do what he did and ask me what he asked. Second, I was astounded that Evonne would actually want to talk with me, after all we had gone through. Third, I was astounded with myself, because I actually considered doing what she asked. God, what a mess.

"Tom, you know the history between your mum and me. What she is asking is probably something beyond where I am at the moment."

He looked despondent, so I quickly added, "Maybe it's something I would consider some time in the future, son." That made him happier, but not me.

Evonne grew stronger and stronger each day. She accepted the news that her husband had died in the crash with great sadness. "She still loved the bastard," I thought grimly. This sadness was tempered by the fact that Tom was OK and being cared for. I'm not sure how she felt about the fact that it was me that was doing the caring, but I didn't really care at that point. Everything I was doing, I was doing for Tom, not her.

Jane's next visit was interesting. "Bill, Evonne desperately needs to talk to you. I think you should go see her, by yourself if you are up to it. I will look after Tom while you do that if you like?"

The anger I felt so many years ago welled to the surface. "How dare you!" I shouted at her. "How dare she? After all that she and that bastard had done to me. All that I have had to suffer because of her whoring with that deceitful bastard and she wants to speak with me? The hurt, disrespect and utter contempt that those two caused me and treated me with nearly sent me to my grave by my own hand! The only thing, and I mean the only thing, that kept me on this planet was the hope that I would not lose Tom as well. My 'Tom Thumb'! She wants to speak with me, now? Now, after all of these years? After all of the missed opportunities to allow me and my son to have some sort of relationship, albeit via some visitation system? That bitch! That selfish, lying bitch! I suppose she knows now that I would be the only man in Tom's life now that asshole is finally dead and she better mend some sort of bridge. I don't think so Jane. The way I feel about her, she can still rot in hell along with her bastard of a husband for all I care." I slammed the door as I went outside. I knew I had blown off at the one person who had shown me any trust and consideration. Jane. Also, I knew that Tom had heard every word. The volume I yelled at would have allowed the neighbours to hear clearly my rant, let alone Tom through a thin inside wall.

After a while I cooled down enough to re-enter the house. Jane and Tom were sitting at the dinner table. Tom had obviously been crying and my heart went out to him. That poor bastard has had to put up with enough without me adding to his misery. "I'm sorry Jane. You didn't need to hear all of that. You were just in the firing line." I looked at Tom who had his head down. "Be buggered," I thought. I went to him and ready or not, he was going to get a man hug from me. The sort of hug a father owes his child. I came up behind him and hugged him tight. "I'm sorry Tom. I'm sorry son. I love you and have so since the day you were born. I'm sorry to have caused you so much pain." The tears flowed freely from both of us. Jane looked a little embarrassed at this unbridled show of emotion, but managed to keep it together for our sake, I think. Tom eventually returned the hug. That was a moment I would never forget. One of those moments that a dad treasures forever. My son was showing his love for me for the first time as an almost-adult!

"I'm sorry son. What your mum is asking is, is really hard." I managed to blurt out.

Jane looked at me and with teary eyes, said, "Bill, you know it will have to happen eventually. You will know when the right time is. Just don't leave it too long." She left us then. She left Tom and me to ourselves. I don't know how long we waited, but we eventually parted and started doing the normal dinner time things. Me, preparing dinner. Tom preparing the table.

"She's right you know dad. You will have to do it one day." And then he left.

I stood there holding the saucepan I had retrieved for dinner. "Did he say dad? Holy shit, he said dad. My son called me dad for the first time since he was two, when all he said was, 'da'! Holy crap! Holy crap!" The smile on my face did not leave until after dinner.

"What's up with you dad" asked Tom during desert. "That smile hasn't left your face all of dinner. Is there something I should know?"

"Tom, you have made me the happiest I have been in the last almost thirteen years. And I think you know why." That smile was still there.

"I know dad. I realised what you have gone through and all for my sake. You are a real dad and I just realised what that meant to you. I know that I have called another man dad most of my life until now, but I also realised that you were always my dad. That man I called dad was just a surrogate. Someone mum chose, not me. I choose you, as you chose me all those years ago when I was born. I will be grateful for what John did for me during these years, but there is no denying that your love for me, as your biological son was always there, in the background, waiting for me to realise it. I am just glad that I found about it before I grew too old, or should I say that before you grew too old, old man!" and he punched me on the upper arm!

The next meeting with his mum was quite an animated affair. She was speaking fully by now. I could see Tom getting quite agitated and Evonne was sobbing with her head in her hands. I had better rescue the situation as best I could. I entered the room and both occupants silenced themselves as I entered.

"Bill," she whispered.

"Hi Evonne," I managed.

"Thank you for looking after Tom while I was out," she said.

"He is my son," I replied.

"Yes, he is," she replied.

"He always was and always will be," I replied.

"Bill, I am sorry for how things..." she started.

"Don't go there Evonne," I interrupted. "That might be a conversation for some other day, if ever," I said grimly. "Just know that our son is in good hands. I am doing what I can. He knows my side of the story of our divorce, just so you know. You may need to speak more one-on-one with him and let him know the truth from your lips as well." And I left.

Tom came out soon after. "Thanks for at least breaking the ice dad. I appreciate it."

"I don't know about breaking the ice, Tom. More like skating on an Arctic glacier!" He smiled. He was my son.

Soon, inevitably, it was time for Evonne to leave the hospital, and of course, she had to come back to the house. This house was beginning to feel like my home again. Mine and Tom's. Now the bitch had to return to it. This was going to be another layer of shit.

The day arrived when she came to the door, accompanied by the ever-present Jane. They went to the main bedroom where Jane helped Evonne get settled into her bed. Fluffed pillows and placement of all the accoutrements around her allowed Evonne to feel comfortable again. I stayed away. Tom was there pandering to her every need. Dinner time came and I prepared enough for all of us. It was Tom who brought the food to Evonne. I ate alone while they caught up in the main bedroom. "Was this going to be how it is?" I thought. It was for many weeks, until the day of dread came. She came down for dinner at the dinner table. Tom was ecstatic. He blurted out, "Just like our old family!" before he realised what he had said. "Sorry," he mumbled and continued eating in silence. As did I. And Evonne. This was getting very uncomfortable for all of us and I commented to Jane about it one Wednesday.