All Comments on 'The Flatmates'

You needed a better transition to the ten years later part. Otherwise, I loved it

Two things.One, contrary to popular belief he was already a man before he had sex with her.Sex doesn't make you a man or a woman.It is actions and attitude that do that.He was more a man than the asshole boyfriend of the girl that he thought was his friend that he tried to help and was humiliated by.Two, after that declaration of love and commitment why would take an other ten years for them to formally get engaged and married.For all intents and purposes they were engaged that night by what they said to each other.

I only got through half of page one before the triteness of the story and the apparent unfamiliarity of the author with the English language got to me. Perhaps it got better, but I doubt it. Learn the English language before you try to write in it! 1*

I tried 4 times to get past the first page. The glaring lack of knowledge of the English language makes it so hard to read and follow.

Get an editor to help with the English language.

Come on....what world do you live in? Not the US...the language and dialog are not what goes on here....couldn't get past the 1st page without skimming over the rest til the end. And why did it take 10 years for them to get married? Geez, learn the culture before writing a story set in it.

Editor would help! All the pages between 1 and 4 are a waist of time.

Only a 2 for you,

A Treat (NOT)

...I know you mean well and have tried your best, but I have to agree with commentators who have noted your difficulty with English.

I could not finish your story: perhaps you would be better posting future efforts, in your native tongue, in the Literotica category for non-English stories.

I agree with your detractors regarding your english writing skills. HOWEVER, I was able to read through the grammatical errors and enjoy the story. The premiss of the story was great, I found it quite romantic and somewhat erotic. If you were to send your story to a patient editor every one would give it a 5* as I did.

Building a PC at age of 13 makes a genius? Get out of here. A Lego model is more complicated to build. And then a "computer lab" with 5 pc's and 3 laptops? Sure! Write about what you know.

I'm sorry but it wasn't nice. Could only manage to skim through

If any of you idiots had taken the time to read his profile you would have seen that he is from Nepal. It was a good story, why would you expect someone from Nepal to understand English idioms as well as American customs? Some of you tell him to "Get and editor." I have seen people on this site begging for an editor and not finding one. How many of you who want him to get an editor are ready to volunteer?

Hey

I understand the difficulties of writing in English when it's not your first language, but this was just poorly executed. It was a great idea, but it definitely needs work.

I wouldn't suggest an editor for this just yet. It's more of first draft and needs work and development. I'd suggest writing it in your first language first, and then slowly translating it, then reading it out loud. That way you'll have a better idea of whether or not it makes sense and flows nicely.

Only after all of that, I would suggest an editor.

And yes, I would happily edit it after you'd done all of that, but I don't have the time or the patience to fix this. Sorry, but I couldn't get passed the 1st page to be brutally honest, which I believe reviewers have to be, otherwise, how do we learn?

You have a brilliant idea, now develop the characters, find ways to distinguish the 2 main characters gender wise, because they both come across as female, and work with it.

TheDreamGirl made a good suggestion...try writing a first draft in your first language and then try writing it in English. You need someone who would be able to critique your effort without insulting you.

I also have a suggestion for the commenter whose heading is "Terrible". Learn to spell before you dump on a writer's effort. You're "waisting" our time.

Very sweet story. A little overly detailed in some parts, though.

As far as your command of the English language, it's much better than my Nepalese! Keep writing and sharing your ideas. Writing is art and a way to express yourself. Good luck! ❤

A suggestion to other readers- if you know what the author is saying, even if it's not worded the way you would word it, reread it in your own words. Appreciate that language is malleable, mutable, and magic.

Geez guys the writer tried his best. Give him a breathing space. As if some of you can do better. Personally sweetheart i love your story it's soooo romantic and nice. I read everything from the beginning to the end. Middle finger to the haters.

I absolutely love this.it's soooo romantic

Bruh the character is an obvious sperg living in his tiny autistic version of reality. Horrible story.

what happened about Sam?

Characters talked a little old timey, but it was a nice story, and a nice plot.