The Floggings Will Continue...

I looked over at Sigrid, who was grinning at me with her hand high in the air. The only holdout I could see now was Kelly, whose arms were folded tightly in front of her.

"Great," Ashley said, "that's great. Now, who wants to feel like that more often?"

Most of the people in the room mumbled, "I do."

"Let me hear that again."

"I do!"

"Excellent. Today we're going to work on how you can feel like that all the time! Thank you, Timothy."

I thought we were done, and I started to walk back, but Ashley held up her hand. "One more thing, Timothy. When I asked you that question in front of all your colleagues here, how did that make you feel?"

"Uh. A little bit nervous?"

"Embarrassed?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"But you still answered honestly." She turned back to the group. "Right now, I expect not all of you trust one another, not all of you get along." That was putting it mildly. "We understand it can feel uncomfortable to share truths in front of your co-workers, especially when things have been a little... dysfunctional. That's exactly why it's so important that you push yourselves today. To encourage that kind of behaviour, we're going to have a little incentive scheme."

I noticed Cherie was at the whiteboard, drawing up some kind of grid, and writing everybody's names down one side. I could hear the whiteboard marker going squeak-squeak-squeak.

"When we see people stepping beyond their comfort zone, getting into the spirit of today's activities, demonstrating positive dynamics, Cherie and I are going to be awarding Participation Points. Cherie, let's start by marking up two PPs for Timothy here." And despite my cynicism, I felt myself warming to Ashley. It's hard not to respect somebody who thinks well of you.

"Today is about learning to grow, and it's so much easier to grow when you have support and encouragement from those around you. We want you to get lots of practice lifting one another up today. So to help with that, we're going to give each of you a support team, and you'll be responsible for boosting the other people in your team. At the end of the day, we're going to total up the scores for each team, and we'll have a little prize for the team with the most points. So you have an incentive to support your team... yes, is that a question?"

The raised hand belonged to Jenny, another member of our development team. "Does that mean we're competing against the other teams? Shouldn't we all be working with one another?"

"That's a very good question! Yes, you're absolutely right. We want every one of you encouraging every one. But a group of forty is too much to start with. People get forgotten, and it's too hard to let go of the negative patterns that have already developed. With a team of five, you can look out for every person in your team, and you can really focus on unlearning those negative patterns and building positives. Once you've practised that on a small scale, then you'll find yourself starting to extend those good behaviours to the larger group. By the end of the day, I hope we'll have all of you singing in harmony. Does that answer your question?"

"Yes, thank you."

Ashley nodded, and behind her, Cherie marked up one point for Jenny. "By my count we have exactly forty today, so that makes the groups easy. Cherie, have you assigned the teams?"

"I have!" Cherie tipped out a bag of little tin badges onto the table and picked up a checklist. "Alistair! You're on Team Blue. Come and get your badge. Anh, Team White! Barbara, Team..."

She was going through the list alphabetically by first name, and I listened out for three names in particular.

"Kelly, Team Blue!"

I watched her take her badge, pin it on, and sit back next to Sigrid. By then Cherie was already getting through the Rs.

"Sigrid, Team Green!"

She smiled at Kelly and shrugged, as if to say "oh well, never mind".

Please please please, I thought...

"Timothy, Team Green!"

I sprang to my feet and strode to the front. Sigrid was just coming back, and we exchanged smiles in passing. Walking back, I pinned the dinky little green badge to my shirt, stealing another glance at Kelly. She was stony-faced.

The others on our team were Margaret (Alistair's PA, the one who'd been feuding with Kathleen); Toby, yet another of my development team-mates; and Jennifer, from HR.

Once everybody had a team, Cherie gave us our next instructions. "Let's everyone move so you're standing with your team. We're going to do a little exercise called 'trust falls'..."

I remembered those from a school exercise: one person stands with their back to the rest of their group and falls backwards, trusting that their friends will catch them before they crack their head on the floor. I'd never been able to do it properly; I tried, but always lost my nerve at the last minute, folding at the knees instead of falling straight back like I was supposed to.

But this time was different. Sigrid went first, and she kept her legs perfectly straight, toppling back into our arms. After that, I had no choice but to shut my eyes and put my faith in her to catch me.

It was the most physical contact I'd ever had with Sigrid. Mercifully, I had outgrown the adolescent stage where that would have had me pitching a tent, but it was still distracting. I wanted to hug her, to hold her hand, and that felt so unattainable it hurt.

"Well done, everybody!" said Cherie. "PPs for everybody!" She marked up a point for everybody—which of course had zero effect on the rankings—and Ashley addressed us again.

"Now you've trusted one another with your lives, it should be easy to trust one another with the day-to-day stuff." She paused for a beat. "But it's not, is it? Humans are very social beings. Would you believe people are more afraid of public embarrassment than dying?"

I could believe that.

"Social status seems to matter more than life itself. So we're going to need all your help to get those communication channels unblocked, but I think you have what it takes. Next activity, in your groups, I want one person from each group to think of a challenge in their lives. Something from outside work. Then you're going to tell it to your group, and everybody else is going to listen. You don't need to offer any solutions. Just practice listening and accepting, making people feel comfortable sharing. We'll give you all five minutes, then we'll get each group to report back, and after that we'll break for morning tea. Time starts now!"

We looked at one another. I couldn't think of anything but my difficulties getting my landlord to fix the stove, which didn't seem interesting enough to share. Margaret was shaking her head slowly. But Jennifer piped up.

"My mum's getting pretty old, and she's starting to lose it. She's going to need a nursing home in a year or two. I think it'd be better if she moved in soon, while she's still got enough memory to learn where she is and get used to it. But she and Dad don't even want to think about it." She went on a little longer, talking about the challenges of caring for her parents, and we listened and made sympathetic noises. Toby mentioned that he'd dealt with something similar.

Soon the five minutes were up, and Ashley called us all to report. She picked our team first, and Jennifer gave an abridged version of what she'd told us.

Ashley nodded. "And how did the rest of the group make you feel?"

"They were very good. They didn't make me feel like I was selfish for wanting to put Mum in care."

"Good work. That's what we're trying to build today. Cherie, could you please give Jennifer three points for sharing, and one point each for the rest of Team Green?"

Huh, I thought, that puts Jennifer one ahead of me. Maybe I should have put my hand up and talked about the oven.

The other teams reported back one by one, and Ashley awarded points that varied according to how personal their stories were. Somebody had a bad tradesman who'd left their ceiling leaky and wouldn't fix it (two points); somebody else had lost their beloved dog (three points).

The guy from Team Red clammed up when it came to his turn; I guess he'd been willing to share within his team, but not with all of us at once. Ashley assured him that this was quite okay, that everybody was allowed to opt out if they weren't comfortable. But he didn't get any points, and neither did his teammates.

The last to report was Team Blue, and it was Kelly who stood up. She had recently had a major family argument, and now she and her parents weren't speaking. That earned her four points, putting her one ahead of me, and once again I regretted not volunteering.

"Thank you, Kelly. We're going to break for morning tea in a moment, but just before that I want to try one thing. Now that we've had a little practice in trusting one another, I'd like to hear if anybody feels willing to share one of the secrets that you wrote down before. Anybody?"

I wanted the points, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to share. While I was considering it, Leo from Graphics (Yellow Team) put his hand up.

"Yes, Leo?"

"I, I'm sure there's something stupid I'm missing, but I don't understand how to use the purchasing system. I know it's been explained to me and I just feel stupid asking again. So I always end up waiting for somebody else to notice when we're missing stuff and put an order in." He was blushing.

"That's okay," said Kelly, "give me a yell on Monday and I'll show you how. It's tricky, I had trouble too when I was new."

Ashley smiled. "Well done, both of you. Three points for Leo on Team Yellow, and two to Kelly, Team Blue, for giving such a validating response. Already you're starting to think outside your own little team."

Goddammit.

"Through the rest of the day, if anybody feels willing to share one of the secrets that you wrote down earlier, just put your hand up. I hope that as things progress, you'll feel safe sharing them, but it's always your choice. Now, I believe morning tea has arrived." She checked her watch. "Let's give it ten minutes and then we'll start back here."

While I queued for coffee and pastries, I thought about secrets. Kelly was three points ahead of me. I couldn't let that stand. After the break, I was going to share a secret. I just hoped it was worth at least four points.

Soon enough Cherie called time, and we filtered back into the main room. I waited for the right moment.

"Does anybody know why I asked you to think of challenges from outside work for the last session?" asked Ashley.

We shook our heads.

"Because as soon as we start talking about one another, that raises the stakes. It's human nature to feel threatened, to get defensive. So I wanted to start with something safer, and get you all some practice supporting one another. But sooner or later we need to have those difficult conversations. This is where it starts to get tough. Some of you may hear things that aren't easy to hear, but we have to get through that pain to make progress. Do you think you can do that?"

"Uh-huh," I mumbled, and my colleagues made similar noises.

"Do you think you can do that?"

"Yes," we said, louder.

"Do you believe it?" She raised her hands, and a shiver ran down my spine. "Do you BELIEVE it?"

"YES!" we answered.

"I believe in you. I believe you have the strength you need!" Her eyes were bright. Fervid, even. "This session, we're going to work on giving and receiving constructive criticism. Yes, Timothy?"

I had my hand up. "Can I say one of my secrets?"

"You certainly can."

I glanced at Kelly out of the corner of my eye. She looked tense, and I suspected I wasn't the only one tracking our scores. "We had a problem a few months back. We did a lot of work from the wrong project specs, we wasted a lot of time. Anyway, I thought the specs looked wrong, but I didn't say anything because... because..."

"You can say it, Timothy."

I had every intention of saying it, but I wanted to make sure she knew it wasn't easy for me to say. More points that way, I hoped. "I felt like if I was wrong, I'd just look stupid in front of everybody. It just felt safer to keep quiet. And I thought, Howard knows so much, surely he'd have noticed if there was a problem."

"Well," said Ashley, "that's an excellent example of the harm that negative dynamics can do. You didn't feel safe rocking the boat, even when it was headed for the reefs."

I nodded. Come on, that's got to be at least three. Enough to equalise with Kelly.

"Cherie, please mark up four PPs for Team Green, Timothy—"

She was interrupted by the Irish lilt I'd come to know too well. I would've thought it pleasant if I didn't know the speaker. "Tim, I want you to know you're not the only one," said Kelly. "I'm not going to name names, but one of the other developers was telling me the same thing. They saw the problem too but they didn't want to second-guess Howard."

Was that a tiny smirk on her face as she finished?

"And thank you, Kelly. Cherie, two points for Kelly, Team Blue."

Fuck you, Kelly. You want to screw me over by being supportive? Well, two can play at that game. And no names, bet you made the whole thing up to grub for points.

In the next exercise Ashley had us talk within our teams about things we wanted to change at JCN, before reporting back to the main group. Sigrid suggested we look at ways to fix the problem I'd raised, by giving junior staff more encouragement to speak up in group meetings, and she and I had quite a productive session throwing ideas back and forth while the rest of our team egged us on.

Our proposals were reasonable enough, but they were also pretty tame, with nothing likely to ruffle anybody's feathers. The other teams were also playing it safe, steering clear of anything that might seem too pointedly critical, and focussing on trivialities. Did anybody really believe that minor tweaks to our video-conference system or a change to the payment model for the milk club were our most pressing concerns?

Ashley certainly didn't. "Thanks everybody, but I think some of you are still holding back. Nobody wants to make waves, do they?" She was walking around the room, looking at each of us in turn. "Confronting your colleagues feels risky, doesn't it? Taking risks is scary. But if you don't, if you can't, you're never going to get anywhere."

She stopped for a spell, long enough that I began itching for somebody to break the silence. There wasn't even a clock ticking to mark time.

"Does anybody have something more challenging to share? You have permission to offend."

Silence again, longer and longer. Silence waiting for somebody, for anybody.

I realised she was looking directly at me.

This is probably the stupidest thing I've ever done, I thought, but you asked for it. And I stuck up my hand.

"Yes, Timothy?"

"This is a stupid thing but it's really bugging me. I'm going to say it. There's..."

I swallowed.

"There's no such thing as giving a hundred and twenty per cent. There just isn't. One hundred per cent is the most there is."

Alistair was staring at me. Ashley was staring at me. Sigrid and Kelly were staring at me, as if they expected me to spontaneously combust, and I wondered if that might just happen.

"Can you elaborate on that, Timothy?"

"It's something that Alistair says all the time, and it just bugs me so much. He talks about us needing to give a hundred and twenty per cent. It doesn't make sense. A hundred per cent is the most we can give, by definition."

"So what do you think Alistair means by it?"

"I think... I guess it means he thinks we're holding back. That our 'one hundred per cent' is really just eighty per cent? So it just feels like an insult." I cut myself off, wondering if I'd gotten myself fired yet.

"Does anybody else feel like that?"

I heard muttered "uh-huh"s and saw a lot of people nodding. Sigrid. Anh. Jennifer. Even Kelly. Then Ashley turned away from me, and I shuddered in relief to be out of the spotlight.

"Alistair. Do you think that's useful feedback for you to hear?"

His mouth worked silently for a moment before he was able to vocalise. "Uh... yes."

"Can you elaborate?"

"It's, well, it's important for me to understand... how my communication style affects the team?" He was looking to Ashley for approval. She nodded, but kept looking as if there was still more for him to say. "And especially when it doesn't have the effect it's meant to have?"

She nodded again. I realised she was shielding me by pushing him to commit to a reaction in front of the group so he couldn't lash out afterwards, and I was grateful to her. I did not consider, not then, that the threat Ashley was protecting me from was one of her own making.

"Do you have anything you'd like to say to Timothy?"

"Well, um, thank you for your honesty."

"Excellent." Ashley was smiling like the cat who'd swallowed the canary. "Cherie, let's say... five points for Timothy, Team Green, and two points for Alistair, Team Blue? And let's all give Timothy and Alistair a big hand for that. I know that wasn't easy."

They applauded, and I felt embarrassed and warm at the same time. It was the most appreciation I'd ever received in my time at JCN.

Another hand went up.

"Yes, Nicholas?"

"We're an IT company, not a rowing team. I don't think Alistair knows the difference."

Another hand went up, then another, and another. The dam had burst. Perhaps some of us were still playing for points, at first, but not for long. The mob had tasted blood, and there were scores to settle.

It started at the ground level, with those of us who had the least invested in JCN. But like flame climbing an office tower, it soon spread to the managers. If I'd thoughtIhad grudges against Alistair after a few months working for him, they were nothing compared to those who'd known him for years. Ugly accusations spilled out, tales of major opportunities missed through his incompetence, short-sighted decisions that had cost the company millions.

Every time, Ashley invited Alistair to say "thank you", and he did. I think that was the worst part of all. Some part of me knew this was getting out of hand, that we were far past what a team-building event should be. But the mob had built up too much momentum, and I didn't dare to stand in its way.

Of course, one victim is never enough.

"I want to talk about Kathleen," said Margaret. "My mother had a bad fall and my husband called. I was having morning tea. Kathleen took the call and told him she'd pass on the message right away." Her voice was quavering. "I didn't find out until he called back three hours later. She died and I never got to see her. Kathleen said she just forgot!"

"That sounds very upsetting," said Ashley. "Kathleen, is there anything you want to say to that?"

Kathleen shook her head, tight-lipped, and did not score any points.

There was more. The denunciations flew, and I learned so much about my colleagues. Far too much. Who was buying school supplies on the business credit card. Who had a body odour problem. Who'd shagged whom, behind whose back, at the Christmas party. Heated accusations, hotly denied, about the identity of the Milk Bandit.

I should have known that sooner or later the anger would turn in my direction, but I was unprepared when it happened.

"Timothy. I want to say something about Timothy." It was Kelly. "You're always hovering around Sigrid. Making up bullshit excuses to pester her. It's so obvious you want to get in her pants. She's my friend, why can't you just leave us alone?"

My face was burning. I hadn't realised my attraction had been so obvious, and I was all the angrier because she'd pre-empted my secret. "She's my friend too, she can talk to who she likes! Why do you have to be shitty about that?" I turned to look to Sigrid. She looked mortified, her arms folded tightly, and I couldn't tell which of us she was glaring at.