The Friends List Ch. 07

I couldn't tell if she was upset or angry, but it was definitely one or the other.

"Why not?" I finally asked. "We were the only two single people at the party. I like her. I guess she liked me, too."

"But she's Vanessa's friend," Samantha insisted.

"Yeah, and so are you. That didn't stop us getting it on all semester long."

Sam grunted in exasperation. "You don't get it, do you?"

"No? Why is this an issue for you?"

"Because. She's my friend, too."

"Yes?"

"You're impossible!"

I looked her in the eye, feeling frustrated with her. "I seem to remember you dumping me as a friend with benefits for another guy before Christmas, Miss Fischer. I also seem to remember we were never exclusive, either. If Natalie and I both are happy with our decision and it didn't cause any drama, then what's it to you?"

Sam let out an exasperated sigh. "I just wish you hadn't, that's all. I know I was your fourth choice, but I didn't think you'd just move onto the next in line the moment I found a boyfriend."

"First of all, you were never my fourth choice. I just didn't have the chance to get to know you as early as some of the others.

"Second, I like you a lot, but with all respect, you don't exactly get to tell me what to do under these circumstances. You don't have the right to be jealous because the guy you kicked to the curb later slept with someone else. It was a single drunken hookup, it was a nice rebound for both of us, and it's never going to happen again."

"I'm not jealous!" Sam insisted.

"What are you, then?"

We stared at each other.

"I don't know what I am," she finally said. "I'm upset. And I miss the Peter that I could talk to about my feelings."

"You're not even trying to talk about them now," I pointed out.

"Fair. Here goes. I don't know how I feel about all this. But something about you and Natalie bothers me. I don't know why. Theoretically it shouldn't matter to me, but it does."

"You can feel how you feel, but I don't think you have a right to be upset at me. Besides, you have a boyfriend now. Maybe you should talk to him about how you're feeling?"

"I've tried. He's not good with emotions."

I didn't know what to say to that, so I said nothing. Hmmmmm. We stared at each other across the table.

"We had a great semester," I finally said, "and I didn't want to stop hooking up. You did. You were and are more to me than just a great body. I still want to be friends in whatever capacity you want to be. I want you in my life. But I'm not going to be celibate, waiting for you until you change your mind or come crawling back to me. We both had sex with other people last semester. If you didn't want to set any rules when we were casual, then you certainly don't get to set them when we're platonic friends."

"I didn't want to stop fucking you," Samantha said quietly. "I have a boyfriend now, so I have to be faithful to him. That's not the same as wanting to stop."

"Why do you have a boyfriend, anyway, when he sucks at feelings? Because he asked nicely?"

Samantha glared angrily at me. "That's not fair. Don't be an asshole."

I immediately felt bad. "You're right. I apologize. I just don't get what you see in this guy, from what you've told me."

"I don't expect you to get it." She crumpled up her food packaging. "It was nice seeing you. I'm going to get some studying done at the library."

"See you around."

Sam turned on her heels and left. That was different, I thought. We'd occasionally disagreed in the past, but I'd never seen her so defensive before.

I headed home, and when I got in the door I found my roommates Tom and Steve hanging out with Steve's long-term girlfriend, Jenny. I said hello, dropped my stuff in my room, then sat down with them, grabbing a beer from the fridge.

"Welcome back," Tom said, tossing me a bottle opener. "How's Samantha?"

"It was weird."

I hadn't really updated the gang on where things stood with us, so I gave them a brief rundown of Samantha's situation with Jacob; that she was now exclusive with a boyfriend and that we weren't going to be sleeping together anymore. I also mentioned Kirsten's comments to me about Jacob potentially being her boyfriend because he was a good fit, not because she specifically was into him, and our conversation tonight, before finally concluding by letting it slip that I'd developed feelings for her.

"Ooh, that's rough," Jenny empathized as I finished. "I can see why you like her, though. She's such a cool chick."

"Do you think she's mad at you?" Steve asked.

"I think she's something, though I really don't think she has the right to be mad, considering we were never exclusive and we aren't together in any form now. But I've never seen her upset like that before. She's occasionally hard to read, but I really don't know where we stand. Hopefully she was just surprised about Natalie. I never expected her to be jealous, but she seemed really jealous, even though she insisted she wasn't."

"Jealousy could be her realizing she wants you after all," Jenny suggested. "She probably knows she doesn't have the right to tell you what to do, but maybe she's realizing she has more feelings for you than she thought."

"Yeah, I hope so."

"So what's your plan?" Tom asked. "Do you think you can win her away from this other guy?"

"I have no idea," I replied. "Sam's too smart to be swayed by grand gestures. Plus, this isn't a shitty romantic comedy, and I'm not Hugh Grant. Just because I think it's obvious what she should do, doesn't mean that she's going to be open to me swooping in there and stealing her heart. I think that if I tried, she'd just shove me away."

"She said she wanted to be friends, though, right?" Steve asked.

I nodded. "Yeah. Even with the Natalie thing. I'll keep messaging her."

"Right," Tom said. "There's your answer. Be friends with her. Keep seeing her regularly, keep flirting, keep acting like a good guy around her, make her feel like she's the apple of your eye. Do what you did with her all term long. Keep acting like you're someone special. Make her miss sleeping with you."

"She will miss it," Jenny added slyly. "I certainly overheard her enough times to know you were doing something she liked."

I smirked. "I'm almost as good as Steve, right?"

Steve and I clinked our bottles as Jenny slunk down in her chair, embarrassed. Truthfully, I hadn't overheard them having sex all that often. They'd been dating since high school and acted like an old married couple a lot of the time, but with Steve's bed directly on the other side of the wall from mine, it had happened occasionally.

That night I stayed up tossing and turning again, thinking about Sam, about her seemingly leaving dinner mad or upset, about her apparent jealousy about Natalie. I was hoping I hadn't ruined my chances with her, but I'd never even considered that Sam might have an issue with it. She wasn't the first of Vanessa's friends I'd hooked up with, and early in the semester she'd been openly encouraging me to try to sleep with Monique again. But everything was different now, somehow, and I didn't really understand why.

Unable to sleep, I called up another of my collection of Sam videos on my phone, sliding my hand into my pyjamas as I did so. This one opened with a shot of Sam's roommate Melody lying in her bed, on her laptop, watching a movie with headphones on. The camera then reversed to Sam's frustrated face.

"She was supposed to leave for class ten minutes ago!" Sam whispered to the camera, frustration evident in her tone of voice. "Why are you still here?!"

The camera then reversed again, to a view under Sam's blankets, where her left hand was moving secretly in her panties. She then pulled her hand out, showing moisture on her fingertips to the camera and grunting in frustration.

I remembered that day well. I'd been studying with my phone on silent and hadn't gotten her video when she sent it. Twenty minutes later, she showed up on my doorstep unexpectedly, and before I'd even had the chance to say 'hello', she'd taken my hand and shoved it up her skirt right on the porch in broad daylight. She hadn't been wearing panties, and her pussy was as wet as I'd ever felt it. Within a minute, she'd dragged me to my room, climbed on top of me fully-clothed and ridden me hard and fast to a quick and powerful orgasm. It was the only time in the whole semester that her lovemaking was entirely selfish, focused only on her own pleasure. For a girl who was ordinarily a total people-pleaser, it was hot because it was so unexpected and out of character for her. She'd used me that day, only coming over because she couldn't get herself off in her own room. I had kind of enjoyed being used by her.

I suddenly came into my hand with a grunt, semen flying out my cock into my hand. This time, at least, I fell asleep quickly after cleaning up. My conscience was clear about what I'd done with Natalie, and while I hoped I hadn't ruined things with Sam, at least we'd never been exclusive. If Sam was a jealous enough personality that this was what ruined my chances with her, then it likely wouldn't have worked long-term anyway.

The next morning, I was lying in bed when my phone suddenly rang.

"Why is Samantha mad at me?" Natalie demanded as soon as I picked up.

"She's mad at you?"

"Apparently. Kirsten told me last night that I'd violated the girl code, somehow? Sam's stopped following me on Instagram, so that's basically declaring war. Are you guys together or something? Did I sleep with her alternative boyfriend? What don't I know?"

I was baffled. "I have no idea? We'd been sleeping together for a lot of the fall semester, but she ended it just before Christmas, just like I told you at New Year's. I didn't lie to you."

"I don't get how I violated the girl code. If she likes you as more than friends with benefits I would never would have slept with you, even if you and she never turned into anything. But everything you and she told me was that you guys were casual. If that's true, then why does it matter to her?"

"I... honestly, I haven't a clue. She seemed bothered by it last night when I told her, but I didn't get why. Do you have any ideas?"

Natalie sighed. "Sex is too complicated. I can see why people get into relationships where everyone knows the rules. I was the last girl on the Peter train, and that fact alone has made me question myself why I did it in the first place. But why would the fourth girl on the train care who boarded after her?"

"Do you regret that night?" I asked carefully.

"No! It was a really good experience. I think rebounding really did help me with moving on from Weiyin. Vanessa was right about that. I was super horny that night, and I knew by reputation that you were a skilled and discreet lover. I don't want to ever do it with you again, but I had no regrets at all until last night. Even then, I don't feel bad about it, even though my conscience is trying to tell me I should feel bad about it. But I don't think I did anything wrong, despite two of my friends suddenly being mad at me."

"I don't think you did, either."

"Do you think Samantha likes you as more than fuck buddies?"

"Until now, no. But based upon her reaction to finding out about us... maybe?" I guessed. I briefly told Natalie about our conversation over dinner last night.

"God dammit. She likes you," Natalie declared after I'd finished.

"You think?"

"Yes, you dingbat. How can you be so smooth and so dense at the same time?"

Well, shit. "What do I do?"

"Well first, what I've got to do is apologize to her for sleeping with the guy she likes, even though she's got a boyfriend. But I guess under the Geneva Conventions that would count as an unintentional violation of the girl code. As for you... I dunno, go after her? Do you like her?"

I paused sheepishly. "Yeah. I do."

"Well, she likes you too. I'm sure you'll figure it out."

"What do I do?" I asked again.

"I'm not violating the girl code again. You're on your own. But I can wish you good luck, at least. I'm not mad at you for not realizing how she feels about you. Girls are complicated sometimes. But I think it's best if I fade into the background for a while."

"I'm sorry for putting you in this position." I felt bad.

"Not entirely your fault. It's okay. It was worth it. New Year's was great."

"It was for me, too. Thanks for your insight."

"You're welcome." Natalie took a breath. "One other thing. Have you told anyone about that night?"

"Like that it happened at all, or details?"

"Details."

"No."

"Good. I don't mind that you've seen my depraved wild animal side, but I'm not comfortable with the whole world knowing about it. I'd appreciate you keeping that knowledge to yourself."

"My lips are sealed. Those memories will remain locked in the spank bank where they belong."

Natalie laughed. "You men are all the same."

"Will you at least let me know if Sam and you make up?" I changed the subject. "I don't want to worry about you two. I've made it this far without causing much drama, and now I feel really guilty."

"I will. Promise."

We let each other go, and I sank deeply into my bed, feeling confused. Sam likes me, but she has a boyfriend. Now what?

The next few weeks passed slowly. I had to buckle down and focus on my new classes and my LSAT studying and I barely spoke to any of my friends, Sam included. I texted with her just enough to decide that she wasn't seriously angry with me - she clearly wasn't ignoring me, anyway - but I had no time for socializing with her or anyone else regardless. Natalie let me know a couple of weeks later that Sam and her had eventually made up, which I was grateful about. Above all else, I'd never wanted to hurt anyone. I missed Sam, but she was necessarily moved to the back burner for a few weeks as life had other priorities.

The next time I saw her was near the end of January. I was walking down University Ave on my way home when I saw Samantha heading right towards me, accompanied by a well-dressed older middle-aged couple and another, younger girl whom I guessed was in high school, probably close to graduating. Sam didn't notice me until she nearly ran into me on the sidewalk.

"Oh, hi!" Sam seemed shocked to see me.

"Hi, how are you?"

She looked at me awkwardly, saying nothing.

"Aren't you going to introduce us to your friend?" the woman demanded. "Where are your manners, dear?"

"Right! Mom, Dad, Leah, this is my friend Peter Lonergan. He's Vanessa Jelinek's stepbrother. Peter, this is my Mom and Dad, and my little sister Leah."

"Noam Fischer." The man extended his hand and shook it firmly. "My wife's name is Ruth."

Samantha stared at the ground, acting like she wished she could disappear. The younger girl had headphones in and was gazing off into space. From her bloodshot eyes and disconnected demeanour I immediately suspected she was stoned.

"Lonergan, Lonergan. Irish?" Noam guessed.

"I think we're originally from Ireland. The family have been in Canada for a long time; since the potato famine as far as I know."

Mr. Fischer nodded thoughtfully.

"What brings you to Queens?" I asked, trying to make conversation. "Sam told me you were all purple and proud Western alums."

"We most certainly are," Mrs. Fischer sniffed. "Our Samantha has always marched to the beat of her own drummer. To be honest I wouldn't normally even set foot on this blasted campus, unless it was to see Western's football team trounce these ruffians, but Leah's investigating schools for next year. We figured we'd at least get to see how our middle child is getting on all the way up here."

"What's your major, Lonergan?" Mr. Fischer asked.

"Economics, but I'm studying to go to law school next year."

"Good boy. The dismal science still needs its practitioners, eh? But a good lawyer is worth his weight in gold, charged hourly. It's nice to see not all the young people these days are studying pie-in-the-sky socialist gobbledygook."

I tried to interject. "I think there's value in what Sam's studying-"

"Oh the world needs do-gooders, Lonergan," Mr. Fischer said, clapping me on the back. "My own grandfather was a Communist in his day, like most liberal Jews in the 1930's. But back then you didn't need to go to school to study how to overthrow the ruling classes. You went out and protested in the streets! Direct action! Food for the hungry, job security and better working conditions for the labouring man. Samantha here talks a good game about helping the proletariat, but she's never worked a day in her life."

"Uh, didn't she work last summer at-"

"We took her to see Les Miserables as a child, and ever since, she's fancied herself a revolutionary," Mr. Fischer continued, as though I'd never spoken. "We keep hoping she'll grow up and out of this phase."

"We were hoping she'd study medicine if she wanted to help people so much," Mrs Fischer added. "Her father has so many connections in the health system in this province. She could be any kind of doctor she wanted."

I glanced at Sam. She was gritting her teeth stoically, like she was used to this line of criticism, but it was still taking me aback. I suddenly felt really sorry for her, and I desperately wanted to give her a hug.

"At least her boyfriend has a good head on his shoulders," Mrs Fischer added. "If we'd known she'd wind up dating the eldest son of Daniel Goldberg, we'd have introduced them when they were toddlers!"

I glanced at Sam. "I didn't realize your folks knew his so well."

"Yeah." She shrugged. "I didn't either."

"Daniel and I go way back," Mr. Fischer remembered. "I hadn't spoken to him in twenty-five years or more, but we were both on the national youth executive of the Canadian Jewish Congress when we were in university. We had some good times when we were young men, he and I. Imagine, Samantha finally started dating, better late than never I might add, and she picked the son of an old school chum. Have you met Jacob?"

"I haven't had the pleasure."

"He's a mensch. A good lad. He'll make an excellent son-in-law."

"Dad!" Sam looked like she wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

"He would! You should be happy we approve of him! He's nothing like all those low-class harlots your brother hangs out with."

Like Vanessa, I thought. I momentarily felt my anger rising as I thought about defending my stepsister's honour, before thinking better of it. No one was supposed to know she'd hooked up with him, least of all his parents.

Leah spoke up, finally. "Can we get moving already?"

"Didn't you come to see the campus?" I asked politely. "Any questions?"

"My grades aren't good enough to get in here," Leah said matter-of-factly. "The only top school I have a chance of getting into is Western, and that's only because there's a building named after my folks there."

Mrs Fischer laughed, but in a way that made me think she was projecting false modesty. "Not quite, dear. We have an endowed chair in the Faculty of Medicine, but that's not quite a building."

"I don't care. I want to get this stupid tour over with so we can go home." Leah pulled her headphones back on.

"We should get going," Samantha jumped in.

"Okay, dear," Mrs. Fischer agreed.

"Nice meeting you all; Mr. Fischer, Mrs. Fischer. Leah."

The family departed in a fit of arguing. I could hear Leah whining as Sam directed them towards their next stop on campus. I hadn't met her family before, but seeing the way they treated her made me feel so bad for her. Some of her people-pleasing personality quirks suddenly made a lot more sense to me. I was used to seeing her as a tall, confident goddess, but she'd seemed anything but confident in front of the people who should have been her biggest supporters. It made me really want to say a quick thanks to my own mother for always being so unconditionally supportive throughout my life.