The Friends List Ch. 07

"And that won't be weird for you, hearing it from your stepbrother's perspective?"

"I don't want sexual details, you pervert," she laughed. "I just want to know how you got all three of them to yes. What happened after yes, I don't want to know."

"Okay. I'll start with Kirsten. At karaoke night, we obviously had chemistry singing together, we were flirting on stage a little, but I really wasn't thinking about sleeping with her. Laura was still fresh in my mind at that point. I knew I'd made a mistake sleeping with her, and I was determined not to do it again.

"Kirsten and I decided that night to have a jam session, and when I went over there a week later I was still only thinking about music. I never knew her before, but I discovered that she was so talented, but so uptight. I could sense she was ready to burst with stress and frustration, and someone who's that frustrated I guessed would be susceptible to being seduced. It wasn't hard when you know the signals to watch for. I made the offer, and she took me up on it. It was like offering a bottle of water to a person stuck in the desert."

"That girl needed to get laid," Vanessa agreed. "I was pushing her, gently, in that direction, because I could tell how much she needed it. She's not an anxious personality, but she was under so much pressure and needed some way of releasing all that tension. I'd have been just as happy getting her loaded, but she's never been much of a drinker. She had no coping mechanism, and we were all worried about her. Karaoke night was an attempt at that, if for no other reason than helping her have fun with playing music again."

"Well, thanks for inadvertently playing wingman for me."

"You're not welcome. What about Natalie?"

"She needed a rebound. Between the way she was dressed and the way she was acting, she was pretty much advertising she was available. But I think it was also easy because of the cottage last summer. You know about that?"

"Yeah, Priya told me there were some low-key shenanigans involving you two and Natalie. You guys having a covered-up circlejerk never bothered me for some reason. Why do you think she picked you?"

"I don't honestly know, but I suspect hearing stories about my being good in bed probably didn't hurt. But it was still unexpected. I didn't go to New Year's expecting to hook up with her. My being the only single guy at the party was probably a factor, but she doesn't seem like the type to sleep with just anyone, so why she wanted me specifically I don't know."

"She's not that type of girl," Vanessa explained, "and for the record, Natalie always thought you were cute. But she was always the most shy and retiring out of us. I was pushing her to have a rebound after Weiyin dumped her, but I never thought she would actually do it. She's so innocent."

I thought, again, about how well Natalie had hidden her freaky side from everyone she knew. Even a personality as intuitive as Vanessa clearly had no idea.

"Why were you pushing her to have a rebound?" I asked.

"Everyone needs a rebound after being dumped. Surely you're not against the idea of mediocre, no strings attached sex just to get yourself back out there?"

"Of course not. I get it, but some people aren't into that."

"But you'll never know if you are until you try," Vanessa prodded. "Kirsten isn't ever going to have a fuck buddy again, because she can't separate sex from love. But she needed the experience of trying in order to figure that out about herself."

"So yeah, that was Natalie. She was ready for a rebound, and I was free and available."

"You're such a slut," Vanessa laughed. "How about Sam?"

"I got through her defenses by not trying to get through them. I just treated her with respect and didn't try to take anything from her. She's so used to guys trying to use her or treating her like an object, and not only did I not do any of that, but I protected her at the club from a predatory guy without expecting anything in return. If I'd thought even for a second that sleeping with her was an option, I might have tried to hit on her, but I was convinced it wasn't possible and acted accordingly. When it happened, it was the most unexpected sex of my lifetime. She had the walls up so high around herself that I never would have guessed she'd let me through them."

"That sounds like Sam," Vanessa agreed. "I know you've heard some of her stories. But she doesn't have a single person in her life who's just there for her unconditionally, apart from her group of friends, and even then we occasionally have catfights and disagreements. You've gotten her to trust you, and that's not an easy feat. I don't even know that she trusts me to that extent. I think the only other person she trusts all the way is Kirsten.

"It's also probably why she was so upset at finding out about Natalie. Even if you weren't together, I suspect you made her feel like another hole on your punch card. Collect everyone and win a free frozen yogourt. For a girl like Sam who's been betrayed and hurt by almost everyone who's supposed to be on her side, I think it probably hit her a lot harder than it would have for someone who grew up with unconditional love and support."

"I can see that now," I agreed. "It didn't make sense until I figured out she had feelings for me. I'll need to apologize to her."

"Good idea. But I think it was a little harsh that she was mad at Natalie for sleeping with you, since it wasn't like she told anyone she liked you."

"I agree, but really, all I care about it that I didn't hurt anyone. I'm glad they made up."

"Me too."

"So that's it," I concluded. "Why did you want to know all that?"

"What do all three of those stories have in common?" Vanessa asked in return.

"Um..." I thought for a moment. "I don't know what you're getting at."

"Because, Pete, you did the same thing three times to those three girls. You picked up on what they needed and you offered it to them. They all needed sex, sure, but it's how you did it. Kirsten needed someone to offer her a pressure release valve, and you offered her one before she even realized she needed one. Natalie needed someone trustworthy to experiment with no-strings-attached sex for the first time, and you offered her a safe space for that. Sam needed someone to respect her, to let her come to you rather than aggressively trying to take what you wanted from her. Without even trying, it sounds like you figured out what she needed, and you offered it to her.

"And, in a non-sexual sense, you've also done the same thing to me. As soon as you finally noticed I existed last summer, you started gently picking away at the wall I had up, and made me want to get closer to you. I fought against it for months, but you got me to trust you. All I ever wanted from you, since we were young, was for you to notice me and to want to get to know me, and you finally did. You picked up on my emotional needs and you offered to meet them, too, even though the last thing I'd ever want from my stepbrother is anything sexual.

"You're as empathetic a man as I've ever met. You don't need my help figuring out how to make Samantha date you. All you have to do is figure out what's preventing her from saying yes, and then offer her a way around it."

I thought about this for a moment. I hadn't ever thought about the big picture, but I saw what Vanessa was getting at.

"Samantha said it was fear of judgment that was the biggest reason for her why we couldn't be together," I explained. "She didn't want to be the girl who started dating the guy who slept with everyone. She also, a couple of times, has called herself 'fourth of five', even though I keep telling her I don't think of her like that."

"What does that tell you?" Vanessa asked.

"She wants me, but she's insecure about saying yes."

"Exactly. I'd also say she's insecure about her sexuality, since the only time she ever really let her desire get out of control, she wound up with a reputation that lasted all the way through high school. You just have to figure out how to help her listen to her pussy."

"I can do that." I smiled to myself. Turning Sam on was a particular love of mine.

"So why do you think she's dating this Jacob guy?"

I thought about it for a moment. "I bet he's exactly the kind of guy of whom her parents would approve. He's safe, he's boring, he's Jewish, and they know and like his parents. Sam never gets their approval or validation, but that'll never stop her from trying to seek it out. Kids need their parents to support them, and when your family treats their love like a commodity to be earned, you never stop trying to earn it."

"I told you you didn't need my help," Vanessa said knowingly. "You're as intuitive as I am, in your own way. You just needed someone to help you see what you already knew."

"Huh." I sat silently for a moment. "We are a lot alike, aren't we?"

"Annoyingly. Monique wasn't wrong about that."

"By the way, why did you call me 'Pete' just now?" I asked.

"I don't know. It just popped out. But it felt right to me. Do you mind?"

"I don't mind. I've never let anyone call me Pete before. I never liked it. But somehow it feels right from you. Can I call you 'Ness'?"

"As in, 'Loch Ness Monster?' Hard pass." Vanessa laughed.

"Okay. But thank you. Seriously, thank you."

"You're welcome."

"You never answered me earlier. What do you want in return? Should I send Tom to Guelph for a booty call?"

Vanessa sighed. "I'm not going to pretend I've never thought about it, but no, please don't. All I want is to continue on like this. Let's keep talking, keep coming to each other with stuff. I'm touched that you reached out. It feels really good to have a real, serious conversation with my brother. All I want from you is to keep being the best brother you can be, and I'll do my best to be the best sister I can be."

"You've got a deal."

"I love you, Pete."

"I love you, too."

"I have no doubt you'll figure out what Samantha needs you to do to get to yes. If she wants you enough, she'll come around."

"I hope so."

"I hope so, too."

"Really?" I was a little surprised.

"Yeah. Really. She needs a guy who'll love her for who she is. And I can tell from the way you talk about her that you do."

"Your approval means a lot to me. Thank you."

"You never needed or asked for my approval before, but I appreciate that you came to me with this. Having a one-night stand with Laura is one thing, but if you wind up marrying Samantha, she's going to be there at Thanksgiving and stuff. That alone is going to be weird. But you have my blessing regardless."

"I'm glad I did, and don't get ahead of yourself. No one's getting married. I don't even know if we'll be in the same city next year."

"Would you stay at Queen's for law school for her?"

I thought about it for a moment. "I hadn't considered it, but yeah, I would."

"You really like this girl, huh?"

"She's the best, in every way." I meant it.

"She really is. Take care of yourself. Good luck."

"Thank you. Talk to you soon."

A couple of weeks passed. My winter term classes had gotten to the point in the semester where the workload was becoming significant, and what remained of my free time was taken up with applying to law schools and studying for the LSAT exam, which I was scheduled to write on Reading Week in mid-February. Sam was completely incommunicado, responding to my occasional "hey, what's up" texts only with short non-answers, and with life so busy I didn't have the time to really actively pursue things with her any further. I didn't think she had a reason to be mad at me, and I assumed she was avoiding her feelings as she often did. I wasn't seriously worried.

I often thought back to last summer, to the first time I'd really gotten to know her. She was a closed book for the entire first day and a half we spent together, and I hadn't had a clue how to read her, then out of nowhere she chose to lower her walls and let me in. What had I done back then, and how could I do it again?

All I'd done was to be myself - to protect her at the club when she'd needed protecting, to listen when she'd needed to talk, to offer guidance about the upcoming school year. Even the massage I'd offered that had led to sex hadn't been offered as foreplay, but rather because I could tell she was in pain and I thought it might help. She had responded to my being genuine with her, and that meant I couldn't fake it.

First things first, though, I needed to see her in order to be myself around her, and if she was keeping me at arm's length, I wasn't sure what chance I'd have. It would have bothered me more if I'd had time to be bothered, but free time had become a total thing of the past for me. I barely saw my friends and didn't actively talk to any of the girls.

I'd booked writing the LSAT in Guelph over Reading Week for the same reason I'd written it last summer in Kingston - to give me an excuse to get out of town for a bit. Last summer, all I'd wanted was to get out of my hometown and hang out with my roommates, and the exam was a good excuse for that. This time, it was the opposite - I wanted to go home, write the exam early, then see my family, eat home-cooked food, and relax on Reading Week as much as possible before the final six week home stretch into finals. The idea of spending the holiday in Cancun or Fort Lauderdale didn't appeal to me in the slightest - even by the advanced age of 22, I no longer wanted to get so drunk I couldn't stand up or sleep around. I'd had my slutty phase, and all I wanted now was to be in a relationship again.

I left my last class on the Thursday night before Reading Week and went out for the night with my roommates, then had an epic stress crash at home and slept for countless hours. I had a train booked home for the next day, the day before the exam, but when I woke up, the Canadian winter had reared its ugly head at the worst possible time. A massive snowstorm had dumped over a foot and a half of snow on the city, and sure enough, my phone told me what I'd have already guessed - all trains were cancelled.

I checked the weather radar, and it appeared that the worst of the snow was to our north and east, whereas I needed to get south and west. The rail line was shut down through Kingston up to Ottawa and past Montreal, but if I could get past Trenton, normally an hour and a bit to the southwest, it looked like smooth sailing from there. But I was still stuck in Kingston.

An hour or so later, the snowplow went by, and the four of us dutifully went out to shovel. As we finished the sidewalk in front of our little house, I noticed the roads were seeming clearer as the plows dug the city out. But VIA Rail's website still indicated the trains weren't running.

I had an idea.

Hey, are you planning to drive home today? I impulsively texted Samantha. I had no idea if she had plans to spend the upcoming week getting so drunk she couldn't stand up in Cancun or Fort Lauderdale, but I knew she had a car, and I knew she would respond to a direct question.

I was going to, she answered a few moments later. But the BMW is rear-wheel drive, and I'm not comfortable driving it in this much snow. So I'm stuck in the dorm by myself.

Do you want me to drive? I asked. I like winter driving. Besides, I need to get home for the LSAT tomorrow, and the trains are cancelled, but it looks like there's no snow past Trenton. And the MTO's website says the 401 has been plowed. If I can't get home tonight I'll have to postpone the exam.

About fifteen minutes passed. A couple of times I noticed the 'typing' icon on my phone, but no message came in. Finally, she texted back, Sure. I'll load up my luggage and come pick you up.

Half an hour or so later, the BMW pulled up in front of the house. Samantha got out, dressed in a stylish ski jacket and heavy winter boots and looking... I didn't know. I couldn't read her face, but she seemed off, somehow.

I gave her a quick hug hello, loaded my suitcase into the trunk, and settled behind the wheel of the BMW. I'd never driven a car like it before, so I was extra cautious on the slippery roads out of the city, but once we hit the on-ramp to the 401, the roads were sloppy with snow but not dangerous, and visibility was decent enough by snowstorm standards. Traffic was moving, well below the speed limit, but it was manageable.

Sam sat in the passenger seat, fidgeting and staring out the window.

"So, no plans to get away over Reading Week?" I asked, making conversation.

"No."

I glanced over at her. "Is everything okay?"

"Winter driving just makes me really anxious," she replied. "If it's okay with you, I'd feel more comfortable just letting you drive until we're out of the worst of it."

"No problem."

We sat in complete silence as I focused on the highway. I couldn't push the car up to normal freeway speeds, but the German-engineered chassis was right at home on the road in the tough conditions, and it was actually easier to keep the heavy, stable car on the road than the little Hyundai I was used to. I kept the car anchored in the two tire tracks in the snow, taking my time and letting the car drive itself through the worst of the weather. The snow was still falling heavily, but visibility remained decent enough.

Finally, about two hours into a drive that would usually take about half that, as we passed the Royal Canadian Air Force base just outside of Trenton, the snow started to ease off a bit, and about ten minutes later, the roads had cleared and the sun was starting to peek through the clouds. I glanced over at Sam.

"Should be smooth sailing from here."

Sam visibly relaxed. "Thank goodness. I really appreciate your doing the driving. I could not have handled that."

We stopped in Trenton for a bathroom break and some lunch, then headed back out onto the 401. Sam took the wheel of her car now, and I sank into the passenger seat. We both shed our heavy coats with the heat running in the car. She was dressed down, with minimal makeup and her raven hair in a messy ponytail, and was wearing a black zip-up Lululemon sweater and jeans. The roads were clear and traffic was fairly light.

"So, I haven't heard much from you lately," I opened hopefully.

"Yeah. I know."

"Have you been avoiding me?"

"Not on purpose, but probably," she replied. "Like I told you, you're dangerous."

"I don't try to be..."

"That doesn't change the fact that you are." She glanced furtively over at me.

We sat quietly for a moment.

"How's Jacob?"

Sam took a deep breath. "We broke up."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"I'm sure you are."

"Excuse me?" I said sharply. "Just because you know how I feel about you doesn't mean I don't want you to be happy. If he was right for you, I was never going to be upset about it."

"Well, he wasn't right for me. I ended it with him."

"Recently?"

"A couple days ago."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She took another deep breath. "Maybe I should. I've never had a boyfriend, but I was expecting to be upset after my first breakup. But I don't feel... anything, actually. Nothing good or bad. It's just over."

"Well, you never told me about him, and I don't know that I know enough to have an opinion. Maybe start at the beginning?"

"Hold on." She looked over at me again. "I shouldn't open up to you again. You make me feel things I shouldn't feel."

"The last chance I had to fuck you," I reminded her, "I walked out on it when you were practically throwing yourself at me. So don't talk to me if you don't want to, but please don't treat me like you can't trust me. I think I've earned being treated a little better than that."

Samantha sat in silence for a few moments. She looked emotional, like she was fighting off tears as she laser-focused on the road.