All Comments on 'The Games Ch. 01'

He could have temporarily thrown her into another dimension & then frequently brought her back to use & maybe abuse. Hey, it's better than out & out death, isn't it? Then, the "games" between them could continue.

Vivid descriptions, lots of detail. Very nice.

A couple minor errors (waste instead of waist, for example) that an editor would catch.

... Ryan could resurrect Eliza at some later point in time? After all, the "rule" that demands her death seems pointless and unfair.

So, why death? Why was it necessary?

Oh, right, "black magic" that's so cool and powerful so "few" people study it... mind control like "I know you want me", "Oh yes, I do!" "Hope you enjoyed your last few moments on earth" "Oh yes, I did!" (Pfeh.)

Oh, and earlier? "Ryan had no intention of being a sadist"....what?

Word choice should be deliberate and important. You made me hate your wizard and consider him a psychotic woman-hating rapist. I don't want to read about this character anymore.

And sorry to say...I wasn't impressed with the "Anything goes" fight itself. The girl opponent didn't come off as equal or dangerous, because you wouldn't do anything truly threatening to your main character that could make him look "weak" or like he doesn't have all the answers, like he's truly challenged. He "knows about it" and "acts the right way" to come out on top without suffering much at all (what, he got tangled up briefly in a whip? Whoopie).

Ergo it was an unequal match and Ryan just raped and killed a girl for sport because he likes black magic that makes him a bad-boy.

And that part where he asks the fickle crowd (a la "Gladiator") if he should kill her after and they say "kill the whore" and he SMILES and thinks "Animals"...amusedly. As if the people watching are worse? Then he's strutting and high-fiving his bro afterward with no remorse or inner conflict whatsoever. He's worse than the crowd. An unsympathetic main character gets no sympathy from most readers, and the ones that like him are the ones with the same "power" fantasy somehow thinking this is "manly." When it's...pretty sad. Psst...this is the "Dark Path" from Star Wars where you give up everything you could ever become to suck on the Emperor's Power Tit and you are the villain people are trying to kill.

Want to improve? You could try the same fight with a male opponent of equal power and have "Ryan" suffer a bit and have to use his wits and determination to survive, like HE COULD ACTUALLY DIE. If you can do that, THEN you can try an erotic-twist with a threatening female. It wouldn't feel so much like the unnecessary torture and rape and snuff of a less powerful opponent.