The Girl with The Pink Bat

I found myself wondering if I had ever been around any lead paint, or if I had had rubella.

I switched on the TV, and I came across a reality show that promised to take me through one woman's pregnancy to the birth of her baby.

"It can't hurt," I thought. And therefore, I began to watch.

Bad idea!

The show started innocently enough, and the woman walked around a big city being all pregnant and beautiful. She shopped a little and made a good home-cooked meal for herself in her fabulous apartment, while she chatted about the home birth she was planning on having and the nurse who would assist.

"Not a bad life," I thought.

Then, all of a sudden, the show took a dark turn. She was in labor. She had what they called "back labor" where the contractions were in her back. She was in some major pain. She got down on all fours and howled like a wolf with each contraction. It was almost like watching The Exorcist. Her nurse held her hand. Her husband hovered nervously around. The nurse took her into the bathroom. She got into the bathtub, and then back into the living room. The husband disappeared. She was in enormous pain.

Why hadn't she gone to the hospital? That woman needed drugs! She didn't want drugs, she wanted a natural birth.

I found myself screaming to the screen, "You're an idiot! Are you out of your freaking mind?"

I couldn't watch anymore. But I couldn't tear my eyes away from the screen. She finally pushed the baby out and let out a scream that would break glass. The baby was fine. The woman was happy. The husband was suddenly back in the picture.

Two weeks later, she sat holding a cute baby and talking about how wonderful being a mom was.

I knew I definitely wasn't having a home birth after seeing that!

I decided that it was better to just look at stuff in the books whenever I had a particular question rather than seeking out stuff to worry about by reading them.

I needed to distract myself, so when Jenny called, asking if I wanted to go shopping for baby necessities I said yes.

There was just one baby shop in Middletown. By the time I pushed Jenny's chair into the store, I regretted my decision.

"Holy baby stuff," I breathed, stopping at the entrance to gawk at the rows and rows of infant paraphernalia.

"Do I really need all this crap?" I blurted out.

Jenny laughed, patted my hand, and rolled into the store. "Let's start at this end."

To my horror, we went through the entire place, stopping in every freaking aisle. Jenny tried to teach me the art of comparative and bargain shopping, but it didn't take. I had to admit, though, that some of the stuff Jenny discovered was adorable. Unlike my sister, however, I was able to contain her 'oohing' and 'awing'.

The only item to provoke an actual response from me was a bib reading "I love my Daddy". I imagined the smile on Ray's face and I smiled, too. Jenny sent me a knowing smile and tossed it into the cart.

They also had an adorable cot mobile with baby animals on it. It didn't look cheap and nasty like some of them and it turned out that they were handmade in town and sold in this shop and over the Internet.

Jenny turned towards me, holding up the box. "This is from Auntie Jenny!"

"Thank you, Jen."

By seven o'clock that evening, I was dead tired. I left Jenny at her place and finally drove back home. My muscles ached in places I didn't know I had muscles, and my ankles were slightly swollen. Feeling giddy, though, I realized the expectant Mommy bug had finally bitten. I started thinking about the baby to come.

Would it be a boy or a girl? Would it look more like me or Ray?

Though Jenny had successfully instilled me with excitement for a future of parenthood, I was ready to drop into the nearest bed when I got to my place at a quarter to eight. I frowned when I realized nearly every light in the house was glowing.

Ray opened the front door before I had my car parked. "Where have you been?" he growled as soon as I jumped out of the driver's seat. "When I came home you weren't here. I called your phone but you left it here on the kitchen counter and I—"

"Just a sec," I said, shoving two shopping bags of baby stuff at him and bulldozing past. "I have to pee like a racehorse."

He fumbled to catch everything and could only sputter as I sprinted inside.

When I exited, he was carrying my purchases inside.

"You went shopping?"

"Yeah," I gave a breathless reply, still winded from my dash to the bathroom. "Jenny called and talked me into baby shopping. I didn't want to be rude, so I said okay. Plus, she convinced me I needed to start getting ready for our kid now."

"Jenny?" Ray frowned.

"Yes, Jenny," I repeated. "You know... my sister?"

His jaw dropped as he stared at me. Then he exploded. "Geez, Kara! I've been going out of my mind with worry, and you were shopping with your sister?"

I straightened. "You were worried? Why?"

He made a disbelieving sound. "Why do you think? I had no idea where you were. You weren't here. I called you, but your phone was here. For all I knew, you could've passed out while you were driving and been lying dead in some ditch." His voice broke.

His concern was cute but slightly exaggerated.

"I'm sorry, Ray. I forgot my phone. It happens a lot. I'm not used to having to check with someone else."

"It's a common courtesy to let your husband know where you're going to be," he said, in a stern voice.

"Well, excuse me, Mr. Perfect. But I've never been married before. And it's been a long damn time since I've been accountable to anyone for anything."

Yeah, my temper got the worst of me.

Ray linked all ten fingers together and rested them on the back of his head as he stared up at the ceiling and appeared to be silently counting to ten.

When he was done, he exhaled slowly, and calmly said, "All right. You're right. But next time, could you please just leave a note, send me a text, smoke signals... anything to tell me what your plans are so I won't worry?"

"You're right. I'll give you Jenny's number just in case."

He nodded. I typed my sister's number in Ray's phone and then hugged him tightly. "I'm sorry; I didn't realize you'd be so concerned. I didn't even think to tell you about my change in plans."

"Thank you." There was a expression on his face that I couldn't read.

He pivoted on his heels and strode away. He proceeded to carry the rest of my purchases inside and placed them in the room intended for our baby.

Ray stood in the middle of the room, looking at the empty walls. I linked my arms with his and rested my head on his shoulder.

"I'm messing up, aren't I? I don't want our marriage to be a disaster. I don't want to fail as a wife. Are you mad at me?" I asked.

Ray smiled down at me. "What? I thought you were mad at me. You might be thinking I am a control freak."

"I'm not mad. I know you, Ray. You might have changed after what happened to you, but deep inside you are still the same person. You were truly worried about me," I said, my voice was shaky.

"Yeah, I was," he admitted. "I'm glad you're excited about the baby. I'm sorry, I didn't want to ruin such a special moment."

I elbowed him, and said, "You don't need to apologize. I think it's cute you were worried about me."

"That's what husbands are for," he smiled slightly.

"For that, and for having sex, too. We're still on our honeymoon, I want to make love to you like there's no tomorrow."

Ray smiled wide. "Race you to the bedroom."

CHAPTER 17

"How is married life going, Kara?" Tony asked me as we sat at The Jammed. I loved the way he said 'Cara,' the way it rolled off his tongue with just a hint of an Italian accent. I had come to ask him for a recipe for his pasta. Several cooking magazines considered him the best chef in the state. I wanted to cook a special meal for Ray.

Tony knew more about my life than anyone else, except for my sister and Ray. He was a good listener and a very empathetic person. For all purposes, he had become one of my best friends.

I took a sip of tea and shrugged. "Better than expected. Being married to Ray feels right."

"I sense a 'but' coming on," Tony said.

"But being married and pregnant in the space of months still feels weird," I told him. "Last Monday, Ray and I had kind of a fight about a stupid thing."

"In my experience, there is no such thing as a 'stupid fight' in a relationship. What did you fight about?" Tony sipped his coffee and looked at me.

"He was worried because I went out with Jenny to buy the baby's stuff and I came home late. He was worried thinking something might have happened to me."

"Understandable. I bet you didn't leave a note, and your phone was off."

I twisted my mouth and nodded. Tony knew me too well.

"My phone wasn't off, I left it on the kitchen counter, but it's all the same. Ray couldn't reach me and he went ballistic about it. The thing is I'm not used to people checking on me. You know me."

Tony nodded. "I do know you."

"I'm afraid one day I'm going to do something that will drive Ray away. I need to get used to being a wife. I want us to have a real marriage. But, on the other hand, I don't want to get too emotionally dependent on someone."

"Including, Ray?"

"I don't know. That's the big question, isn't it?"

"Kara, sweetie, on one hand, you'll never be emotionally dependent on anyone. You are a strong, independent woman. But, on the other hand, love is a state of vulnerability," Tony said. "In loving, we are affected strongly by the other person and we share that effect. We are also affecting the other person in deep ways. This mutual practice of giving and receiving is an everyday ritual when we know true love. This is the most precious gift that love offers, the experience of knowing we always belong. Love is ultimately about vulnerability, courage, and growth."

"How come you know so much about love, Tony?" I asked, smiling gently at him.

"Life lessons," he explained, "I went through a lot of things, especially with my family, I made mistakes and learned from them. I found a new family here in Middletown. I'm Uncle Tony now. I also read some wonderful books."

"Can you lend me some of them? I threw out all the pregnancy books I bought, and I need new reading material."

He raised an eyebrow, and I just said, "Long story short, they gave me the creeps."

Tony laughed at that.

"Back to your concerns, love is not about NEEDING a person; it's about giving yourself freely to a person you trust and respect. I doubt Ray will give you up. You're a wonderful and caring woman. Besides, he loves you."

Tony's words made me turn my head at him, "How do you know?"

"I was there when you and Ray got married, sweetie. I knew the look in your husband's eyes. It was true love," Tony explained."

I looked at him, with my mouth open.

"What? How can you know something like that?"

Tony smiled, "Kara, Kara, Kara, you can be so blind when it comes to figuring out how the other person feels. Trust me on this. Ray loves you. He is IN LOVE with you."

I shook my head. "You're wrong. Ray said he doesn't want to love anyone. He said love hurts. He doesn't want to let anyone hurt him again. And I get what he says. Imagine loving someone and then finding out that she was cheating on you the whole time you were together. That must be... shattering," I shivered at the thought.

"I suppose now we are talking about Ray's ex-girlfriend."

"Yep, also known as 'the bitch'."

We both laughed.

"Sometimes you can't help falling in love, even when you try not to," Tony went on. "You can try not to fall in love with someone, but it won't work. If your feelings are true, you'll surrender to them in the end. You're a very lovable person, Kara, and Ray is a great guy. Things will work for you two. I just know it."

I snorted. "I'm a hard person to love."

"That's not true, sweetie," Tony said.

I looked at my phone. It was getting late. "I need to buy some groceries and get dinner started before Ray gets home."

Tony made a face. "You've done a lot for your sister. Now, you're helping, Ray. You do too much for everyone else and nothing for yourself. Your heart is too big, Kara."

"No such thing as a heart that's too big, my mom used to say."

"True," Tony admitted. "That's why we get along so well. I'm here if you need me. By the way, being pregnant suits you. You look gorgeous. Ray is a lucky man."

He walked me to the front door and I hugged him tightly. I needed it. It had been a tumultuous month and he was my safe space.

"You're the best," I said to Tony.

He put his arms around me and held me. "I love you too, Kara."

++++

When I stepped into our place, Ray was there, waiting for me. He looked serious again.

"What now?"

"Hi, I'm so glad you're home early," I smiled at him and placed the bags on the counter. "Dinner will be ready in one hour."

"Who were you with this afternoon?"

I blinked, "What?"

"I was driving by the main square and saw you hugging a man. Tall, handsome, black hair..."

"That was Tony. You should've come by and talk to us. He's one of my best friends. He helped me a lot when you left for college."

I could see Ray was blushing. He knew he had overreacted again.

I smiled sadly at him. "You think I'm sleeping with Tony?"

"Are you?"

I burst out laughing for what had to be a full minute.

"Of course, not! Tony is a friend. Just a friend. We'd never."

"You were hugging him. It looked like it was more than friendly," Ray pushed.

I was angry now. I clenched my hands into fists. This talk could escalate at any point. I had to calm myself down. I knew he was jealous and, most importantly, I knew why. It wasn't about Ray not trusting me.

I took his hand and we sat on the couch, together.

I looked at Ray straight in the eye. "I thought you knew me better than that. I'll never lie to you. Well, I'll tell a good old white lie like anyone else, but not about something so important." I took both his hands into both of mine. "Tony is a sweet guy but he is gay. Completely gay. Ask anyone in town and they'll tell you. Even if I walked around him naked, he'd not care, and the same on my side. But even if he weren't gay, I would never cheat on you. I will never betray you."

He swallowed. There was no doubt Ray believed everything I was saying. He looked ashamed. "I'm sorry, Kara. I'm so, so sorry. I'm such an idiot."

He swept me up in his arms. I could feel he was about to cry. "Amy did a number on me, didn't she? You are not her, of course, I should have known that," he looked at me, and muttered, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I'll look for someone who can help me with this."

I hugged him and patted him, "It's okay, Ray. I understand where you're coming from. If you think you need to talk with a therapist I'm right behind you."

He gave me a sad smile. "I should have trusted you. Believed in you."

I took a step back. "Do you trust me now, Ray?"

Without any doubt, Ray nodded. "Yes. I know you, you're not out to hurt or cheat on me. You're just a woman who's in love with her man."

I smiled at him and gave him a loving kiss. "You're darn right about that."

"I'm not Mr. Perfect after all. I've made mistakes and will make a lot more over the years. I'm sorry I—"

"Shh..." I hushed him and took his face between my hands. "No one's perfect, I'm not perfect, and you're not perfect. Welcome to the club! Perfection is boring if you ask me. But, you're perfect for me."

I was determined to make our marriage work, even if it meant that I had to slay every dragon in our way.

"Sometimes I feel so lost. But you are my North Star, Kara. Please, don't give up on me."

Emotions engulfed me, I covered my mouth with my hands and burst into tears.

"Never," I said. And I meant it.

I was in love with Ray, I wanted to make our marriage work... not just work. I wanted to make it succeed. I wanted it to be permanent, and I wanted to be as important to him as... well, as he was important to me.

"Now, help me with this recipe I got from Tony. It's the pasta you liked."

CHAPTER 18

Ray and I ate pasta, cuddled in front of the TV, and then went to bed. Making love with Ray was as amazing as the first night.

The next morning, my pussy was sore and my heart was full of love. I'd taken a shower and my hair was damp, curling softly around my shoulders. I went to work humming a love song. I was wearing a yellow maxi sundress. Jeans didn't fit me anymore.

Dennis Harris sniffed the air, and paused to send me a strange look.

"What?" I asked as I moved by.

"Are you okay?" he asked, wrinkling his face and sending me the strangest expression.

I frowned. "Sure. Why?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. You're humming Phil Collins, and wearing perfume. You're just acting awfully... girly all of the sudden."

I rolled my eyes and ignored him. "Well, thank God I'm a girl then."

"She has been balling someone." Floyd added.

"When one sleeps with one's husband, it's not called balling," Dennis corrected Floyd.

I cheerfully gave them both a finger.

Dennis and Floyd continued to watch me, but I kept ignoring them. After a moment, Floyd said, "The pregnancy hormones are really messing with you, aren't they?"

When I glanced his way, Floyd actually looked concerned, like there might really be something medically wrong with me.

"Shut up, Floyd! Do I need to start carrying my bat again?" I muttered, and kept checking the papers in my hand.

His face cleared, and his shoulders slumped in relief. Then he turned and strode off. I could've sworn I heard him say, "Thank God," as he walked away.

I stared after him for a moment, absolutely stunned.

Dennis laughed his ass off.

Maybe there was something wrong with me. If there was, I knew exactly what the source was. My husband. If I'd changed, it was purely his fault. Ray made my emotions go haywire.

I started humming again. Being married wasn't a bad thing at all.

+++

By five o'clock, I'd stopped by Jenny's, and we talked for a long time, discussing my married life. I remembered to send Ray a message to let him know where I was. I even wrote "I love you" at the end and added a couple of hearts. He sent a text back saying that it was okay, and that he was going to be late. At the end he wrote, "I love you too" with three hearts.

I told my sister everything about the misunderstandings I had with Ray.

"Kara," Jenny said. "His ex cheated on him for the entire time they were together. He obviously has trust issues."

"Duh, I understand that. Based on what Ray told me, his ex is a cold-heart psycho bitch. But I am nothing like her. He should know that."

"It's not about you. It's about him not being able to trust again. Seeing you hugging Tony triggered something in Ray. He handled it fairly well, considering where he's coming from."

I twisted my mouth, and nodded thinking hard. "Yes, he did. He came to me, we talked about it, and we sorted it out."

"There is something else bothering you," my sister could always read my thoughts.

"Yeah, I get that his cheating ex turned Ray wary and he has trust issues, but I can't walk on eggshells around him. That's not me."

"Ray trusts you, Kara. Otherwise, he wouldn't have talked to about what he saw with you. He just needed reassurance. If he didn't trust you, there is no way he would have married you.

"He knows any distrust for you is stemming from paranoia and has to keep that under control daily. He has been conditioned not to trust his own feelings and decisions at the cruel hands of heartache, pain and loss."

"Ray says he doesn't want to love again. He said loving someone hurts."

"I can understand where he comes from. Do you remember what happened when I tried dating and they knew I was in a wheelchair?"