All Comments on 'The Girls Next Door'

Like your first submission. You need a little bit of grammar review about how to use conjunctions to tie your very short sentences together to make them flow more naturally. Otherwise, I enjoyed your story. Kudos. - Dave

Too unrealistic. All that gold? After the initial fight, no charges or aftermath. Paragraphs "choppy" and too short. However, author, keep developing because there is definitely potential.

A pretty good story for a first effort and you should keep writing. There are a lot of little things wrong with how it flows, but those are easily fixed. It is one of those stories where everything turns to roses and that becomes unrealistic even if we all wish it could happen to us.

Your plot has holes and your continuity is faulty. A good editor could improve your story by 100%.

Don't quit. Get help and keep writing!

I stopped reading about 1/4 of the way through. Your syntax needs major help. So does the story. I suggest that you get an editor, they really can help. I know, I use one. (OK, I don't put my stories here b/c I can't get my password to work and Literotica does not respond).

Some examples:

'Beatrice or Bee 24, the girl next door." Incomplete sentence. You also just dumped it in there, without any build up or flow.

"I guess you could say she was my girlfriend at least we go together a lot, most of the time her kid sister Di 23 tags along with us." This is both a run on sentence and incomplete as well. Why would you mention Di in a subordinate clause, wasn't she worthy of a sentence by herself? This sentence reminds me of what an English prof said about writing abstracts, "Say the most with the least". This wasn't an abstract.

After your "fight" sequence, he is seeing red. This is where I stopped reading. Give me a break. Stone cold sober people do not blank out like this. I know about hyperbole but this was ridiculous. OK, maybe when they are fighting but not later.

Anyway, I thought you have potential, get an editor, weave a more consistent story and continue to develop. Good luck

ttom

I noticed the comments the others wrote, all I can say is, I liked your story. Sure it wasn't perfect, and the plot was improbable, but the basic story was great. Thank you for a good read.

I liked the general idea of the story but it seemed choppy at times. You need a little help with the grammar and spelling, but all in all, it was a great effort! Good Job!

Could be a good story after an editor cleans it up. Possible ad an extended conflict with Paul and Bee.

Keep writing.

Chicks,hotrods , fights, and money, What more could you ask for

51 more and you get a pat on the back.

For a first story ya done good.

A little rough in grammar and spelling but not too bad. The story line was pretty good for a first up. There were a few areas where a little more development of characters would have helped.

I guess Di could be described as a REAL gold-digger.

good story. needed a little work and probably another run-through for spelling. But really was a lovely love story.

Needs a good editor.

Plot, flow are both good - grammar and POV need some work.

Good read.

Thx.

Not a bad story at all. But a competent editor is badly needed. So many punctuation problems, missed commas, missed periods, sentences that just ramble on. All of the above were problematic in the story. I'm not the "grammar police", but if I were, I'd have to write a ticket for this one.