The Goliath Scroll

King Shaul interrupted: "The military situation, you fool! We have besieged Gat for a month and have nothing to show for it. Now this Philistine dog taunts us morning and evening that we are cowards who neither fight nor send him a champion. Just answer this, Avner. Can our army defeat the Philistines of Gat?"

"We may outnumber the army of Gat but they possess superior weapons because they have somehow learned the technology of ironworking. Our armor is merely bronze and we possess but one iron sword. If we attack and perchance win, we will leave many of our brothers to sleep with the fathers in the fields outside Gat. If we continue the siege, we will surely run out of food since we can't depend on the good people of Bethlehem to feed our army every week. Furthermore, should we continue this siege, the Philistines of Aza, Ashkelon, Ashdod and Ekron may come to the aid of Gat. If that happens, Israel will surely be defeated and we will be slaves to Gat. If we accept the giant's offer and send out one of our army to be our champion, he will surely be slaughtered by that brute, with the same result i.e. slavery. I suggest that we withdraw before anyone starves to death or otherwise gets hurt and/or enslaved."

The militants in the army vehemently disagreed with withdrawal. "If we withdraw, all Philistia will judge us as weak and pursue the army of Israel even to the gates of Gibeah. Let us therefore attack and attack on the morrow while we still have full bellies. We vastly outnumber the Philistines of Gat and we will prevail!"

Those who sided with King Shaul disagreed with the hubris of the militants. The meeting dissolved into argument until Hilkiah the priest raised his hand for silence. "Men of Israel, I am ashamed that I hear what I am hearing. Is there no God in Israel that we cannot inquire of Him what is the way forward for our people? The LORD is the One who rescued us from Egypt and fed us manna in the desert. It just so happens that I brought the sacred Urim and Thummim with me from Shiloh. Let us therefore inquire of the LORD as to what Israel should do."

Hilkiah withdrew the Urim and Thummim from his ephod and began the inquiry of the LORD. The first lot fell to accepting Colonel Goliath's challenge and choosing a champion. The second lot fell to the tribe of Yehudah. The third lot fell to the family of Yair of Bethlehem in the territory of Yehudah. The fourth lot fell to Elkanan ben Yair as the man of Israel to fight Goliath. The meeting erupted in joy that the LORD had spoken. Relieved to have found a military resolution to the meeting, Avner ben Ner said: "I shall go and inform Elkanan ben Yair of his good fortune that he has been chosen out of all Israel to fight Goliath."

King Shaul cautioned Avner. "We need our troops rested for the morrow lest the Philistines renege on the deal and attack en masse. Let all the men of Israel sleep peacefully until the morn. We will need all the rest we can get if we are to have any hope of remaining free men by the next evening."

On the following morning, the army of Israel prepared for battle without any enthusiasm. Either they all, or at best, one poor shmuck would rest with the fathers in pieces that evening thanks to the Philistine giant. He was the lucky one because at least the rest would serve the Philistines for the rest of their days. David begged to join the ranks of lightly-armed soldiers but his brothers beseeched him to stand safely at the edge of the battlefield. King Shaul emerged from his tent to give his motivational speech.

"Hear me O men of Israel. Today the fate of the nation rests in your hands. Or rather in the hands of one man. We have consulted the LORD by means of the sacred Urim and Thummim and I am pleased to announce that the LORD selected Elkanan ben Yair to be Israel's champion on this very day."

The men of Israel erupted with cheers that a champion would go forth to meet Goliath. They would not be slaughtered that day by the Philistines of Gat. With much less enthusiasm, Elkanan ben Yair donned what little armor the army of Israel had in stock. King Shaul presented Elkanan with his own sword, the only iron sword in all Israel. A few well placed prods in his lower back from his officers' ox-goads ensured Elkanan took the field against the formidable Philistine.

At the same time inside the walls of Gat, Colonel Goliath suited up for the battle with his troops. He was almost ready to go forth to battle when he noticed that his custom-made codpiece had gone astray from his locker. Goliath summoned Ishtanu, the captured Hittite blacksmith, and asked as politely as it was possible for a Nephilim if he could help in locating his beloved codpiece in the army locker room. Ishtanu vehemently declined.

"The deal when I surrendered was that you would spare my life if I would make Hittite high-tech iron weaponry for Gat,. I didn't agree to root around some stinking Philistine locker room looking for lost weapons. Don't Philistines ever take a bath? Well, kill me on the spot or take one of these to replace your lost codpiece."

Visibly annoyed, the Hittite blacksmith took a standard issue Philistine army codpiece off the shelf and tossed Goliath. Not wanting to lose the best weapon maker south of the Land of Hatti, he decided not to press the issue. Trying on a regular codpiece, Goliath found he could fit barely half his enormous male appendage inside. Tossing aside the useless equipment, Goliath decided he wouldn't be in any danger from the lack of protection because the army of Israel consisted of an ill-equipped starving collection of raw recruits off the farms and village streets. Whatever poor shmuck the Israelites send as champion, he would be an easy kill for a Nephilim. Goliath would be back in the officers' mess in time for his favourite lunch of barbecued pork in a pita wrap. After the usual carousing over their victory, he would exercise his authority as Commanding Officer, choosing a captured Israelite slave woman or two for his evening pleasure. Today was the day Goliath would Make Gat Great Again.

The Philistines assembled in a tight formation outside the gates of Gat. Colonel Goliath once again issued his challenge to Israel, heaping even greater blasphemies upon the God of Israel in the process. Goliath plodded from the ranks of the soldiers as the entire army of Gat cheered him on wildly. Upon reaching Elkanan, Goliath swung his sword in an attempt to finish his opponent quickly. Elkanan ducked under the clumsy thrust and stepped aside. Again and again, he deftly avoided any further attacks by the giant. His only hope, he believed, was to tire Goliath and perhaps find an opening in his defenses. David watched how Elkanan merely avoided instead of engaging Goliath with increasing frustration from the end of the line of soldiers. The Word of the LORD again came to David:

"I hath heard my peoples' cries for deliverance from their enemies whose blasphemies and unbelief doth exhaust mine own patience. I hath prepared the way for Goliath and Gat's demise. David, my chosen, takest thou thy slingshot and a round stone from thy shepherd's pouch. Once the appropriate moment arriveth, thou shalt aim thy stone directly at Goliath and I wilt pick it up from there."

David did as the LORD commanded. The opportune moment arose as Elkanan backed up closer to David's side of the field and then sidestepped another of Goliath's lunges. David wound his sling and released the stone on a direct course toward Goliath's head. The LORD thereupon sent a wind that caused the stone to drop, striking Goliath squarely on a low-hanging portion of his scrotum. This was all part of the LORD's plan as it was He who had caused Goliath's codpiece go astray, leaving his sexual organs completely unprotected. Upon the stone's impact, Goliath dropped his sword and doubled over in great pain whilst clutching his private parts in both hands.

Elkanan seized upon his opponent's distraction to bring his sword down upon Goliath's neck, dispatching the giant neatly. Elkanan, against all odds, defeated Goliath and won the Battle of Gat. The army of Israel raised a mighty cheer and praised the Name of the LORD for their deliverance. (Footnote: The gory details of the death of Goliath as told in I Samuel 17 have been omitted in this version of the tale) While Israel celebrated its victory, a mighty dread fell upon the men of Gat. They inquired of the high priest of Dagon what it meant to become a slave in Israel.

"There is good news and there is bad news. The good news is that Israelites require their slaves to work only six days a week out of seven." At the news of a weekly vacation, the men of Gat cheered with gusto and slapped each others' palms together in joy. The high priest called for silence. "Part of the bad news is that the maidservants of Israelites must spend their nights in their masters' beds when their own wives are unclean and confined to the red tent of cleansing."

The high priest paused as if unable to deliver any further bad news. The men of Gat pressed the high priest: "And what of the menservants? Is the rest of the bad news that we would be required to spend the nights in their women's beds when our masters are away on business or harvesting the fields?"

The high priest swallowed hard: "I doubt that will be possible. The custom of the Israelites is to cut off the tip of their menservants' members."

The cheers turned into cries of dread and outright panic as the men of Gat contemplated the prospect of losing the tip of their male parts. A shout went up: "To Ekron, men of Gat. The ark of YHWH resides there and perhaps their God will protect our private parts within the walls of Ekron." As if one man, the king of Gat, the high priest of Dagon, the entire Gat Brigade and the Hittite blacksmith ran towards Ekron, abandoning the city, their weapons and armor lest they encumber flight.

King Shaul ordered his troops to retrieve the unwanted swords, shields and armor for his own army. Whilst the men of Israel gathered the abandoned weapons of war, two carts drawn by oxen heavily laden with jars slowly navigated the road to Gat. The soldiers of Israel motioned to the drivers to stop and inquired of them their destination.

"Isn't it obvious? We bring wine to Gat to celebrate their huge victory over the rabble of Israel. It is a gift of the Philistines of Ashdod to the Philistines of Gat."

Upon being apprised of their mistake regarding exactly who had won the field that day and outnumbered by now heavily armed Israelite soldiers, the Philistine teamsters abandoned their oxen and shipment and fled down the road to Ashdod. The men of Israel immediately slaughtered the oxen and both oxen carcasses and wine disappeared within the camp, lest the priests appropriate them for the daily sacrifice. The aroma of barbecued beef and the sound of lute and tambourines filled the air as the entire camp, creating an impromptu victory feast in honour of Elkanan ben Yair.

The woman of the camp, including many of King Shaul's wives and concubines, brought choice morsels of food to Elkanan. Each woman, in turn, bowed low before Elkanan, exposing as much of their mammary glands as possible for his inspection. They winked and fluttered their eyelids in the hope that they would be chosen to share the bed that night of Israel's new hero. By contrast, David sat ignored by all, without any recognition for his role in the death of Goliath. He sulked in loneliness and vowed that he would never again obey a direct order of the LORD.

The women of Israel were to endure their own rejection. Having well eaten and drunk, Elkanan ben Yair arose and announced: "Hear me, O men of Israel. Now I go to Gat to ravish the women and pillage the city for loot. Who will join me?" As Elkanan was the reason they remained free men, the men of Israel clamored "Take me. Oh please take me to help." David was uncertain how ravishing was accomplished but he knew as much as any man in Israel how to steal booty from conquered people. He was about to follow his older brothers but, knowing well their father Yishai's temper should they lose even one of his precious flock, they admonished him:

"Who will tend our donkeys and the remaining sheep if you come with us? Remain in the camp and we will surely share our loot with you"

As the last man of Israel left the camp, David toiled without enthusiasm amidst the droppings of donkeys, sheep and goats. He alone was left to cleanse the sheepfold and bed down the animals when, over the neighing and bleating of the animals, the Voice of the LORD again spoke:

"David, lay down thy shovel. Go thou now unto the city you have conquered and defile the temple of Dagon, the abomination of the Philistines."

Confused that the LORD should appear in such surroundings, David feared to bring to the LORD's attention his vow of one hour before: "But LORD, I am merely a shoveller of donkey dust and not a Levite born to serve You all his life. I cannot leave the animals given into my keeping any more than you can abandon your Chosen People. Furthermore, I have no on-the-job experience in defiling. Still, LORD, I will obey if only You will tell me exactly what to do."

"Fear not for the beasts in thy charge, David. I now setteth four angels on guard at the corners of the sheepfold. Goest thou unto Gat and await my further instructions."

David was summarily propelled from the animal pen by the force of the angels' descent to guard duty. Finding himself outside the walls of Gat, David entered the gates expecting to see a great city. To his surprise, Gat was just a dismal collection of mud huts with abandoned olive presses, weaving looms and broken oxcarts in the front yards. To his further surprise, he encountered only children playing their childish games on the streets of Gat. He enquired of the street urchins where all the adults were.

"Men came into our city and took our mothers and older sisters into the houses. Our mothers and sisters were not very nice to us. They told us to get lost for a few hours."

David would not learn much about ravishing from these children so he asked directions to the Temple of Dagon. As he continued on past the miserable habitations to the centre of the city, David thought that Philistines must spend all their money on the military instead of urban beautification. Finally, he reached the central square and beheld exactly what the Philistines of Gat did with their spare change.

The Temple of Dagon was a magnificent marble structure with large columns framing a spacious portico. The bronze front door of the temple had been left ajar, allowing David to enter. Several oil lamps illuminated a long nave with columns supporting the roof. At the far end of the nave was the sanctum sanctorum where a sacrificial altar stood. In an alcove behind the altar, David could make out the outline of a large object.

In awe of this splendor amidst of the squalor of Gat, David timidly entered the seemingly deserted building. He fear increased upon hearing his footsteps echoing through the empty building. Approaching the sacrificial altar, he could discern that the large object was actually a hideous stone statue, terrible to behold. The artist had carved in marble half a man and half a fish with an angry visage, wet bedraggled hair and a fisherman's spear held in one hand. The other arm of the statue extended outwards towards the worshipper with the middle finger of the hand raised above a clenched fist. David was face to face with Dagon.

Despite his fear, David mounted the stage and walked up to the statue. He had a problem. Exactly how does one defile a temple? He knew nothing about defilement, much less ravishing. He attempted to topple Dagon but the statue was heavy and well-anchored to the floor. Exhausted, David was about to urinate on Dagon when he heard footsteps of someone else echoing through the building. He noticed that there was space in the alcove behind Dagon in which to squeeze. The steps ceased for two minutes and then resumed until stopping for another two minute interval.

Wondering about the source of these periodic sounds, David peeked around the statue and saw a stout, buxom middle-aged Philistine woman wearing a white robe who was replenishing the oil lamps of the temple. David withdrew and crouched behind the statue once again. Unfortunately, David had lived until today on a monotonous diet of roast mutton and goat's milk. His digestive tract was unaccustomed to barbecued oxen washed down with Ashdod wine. David was unable to suppress a loud belch followed by several obnoxious flatus of even greater volume. The woman could not ignore the noise and pungent smells that filled the temple.

In a loud voice she shouted in a heavy Philistine accent: "Who is there and why do you hide yourself? I command you, in the name of Dagon, the supreme god of Gat and contiguous suburbs, to reveal yourself."

His presence having been revealed, David crawled out from behind the ugly statue. With great disappointment they both regarded each other. The woman expected a tall, dark and powerful Israelite soldier to enter the temple and ravish her body as they had done with the other women of Gat. But none dared enter the temple of Dagon except this red-headed youth who resembled some kind of Moabite dwarf. David was equally disappointed with the first Philistine he ever encountered. Raised on legends of Shimshon and Delilah, he a Philistine woman to possess remarkable beauty. The first Philistine woman he encountered reminded him in appearance of his own mother and just as domineering by nature. As any teenager would say to his mother when caught doing something questionable, David offered up half the truth with a full portion of chutzpah.

"I am David, son of Yishai of Bethlehem. With the help of the LORD the Creator of the Universe, I slew Goliath this morning and caused the men of Gat to flee in fear. Because of my valour, the LORD commanded me to enter Gat and defile the temple of Dagon."

Perchance, this lad is more than he appears, the woman thought. Let me run with this and see where it leads. She never had a young man in her life as she married a widower as a teenager. All her lovers had all been the elders of the temple. She evaluated again the young man standing before her did appear to be a little cute and cuddly. Perhaps he would be the young man she never had.

"I am Kus-Haduk, wife of the high priest of Dagon, sole guardian of this temple and the highest authority in Gat during the absence of any men. I grant you permission to defile the temple but on the sole condition that you ravish me as all the women of Gat are being ravished. If you do, I will aid you in fulfilling your heavenly orders to defile the temple. We must start now lest the men of Gat return. How do you like to do it?"

Kus-Haduk's foreign accent made "How do you want to do it" sound like "What do you do every day?" As a result of this misunderstanding David responded: "As the youngest in my family, I spend my days herding the finest sheep upon the hills of the tribe of Judah. Just four days ago, I returned from the winter pasture in Midbar Zin when my father Yishai ordered me ..."

Kus-Haduk interrupted David. "Now I understand how what you're getting at. You want to be a young ram of Israel in rut come down from the hills to mate with this Philistine ewe in heat. I can go for a fantasy like that. Let me see what you have here to do the job."

Before David could protest, the Philistine woman unloosed his loincloth and tossed it on the temple floor. She beheld in awe the suddenly stiff member in her hand. "For such a naive young man you have a beautiful object hanging between your legs. Your member would be as big as that of our fallen hero Goliath if only you Israelites didn't have the strange custom of cutting off the tip of your members. I will, of truth, enjoy this ravishing."