The Greatest Practical Joke Ever

All characters in sexual situations are 18 years of age and older.

CH 01

So, here I am picking up my rental at McCarran airport in Las Vegas. I'm moving forward with my practical joke. It should be the best one ever! My time is limited so I must move fast. I've never been to a brothel before. They are legal in Nevada, so that's where I am. I need someone that's willing but also safe.

I'm not sure what to expect. I chose one called a "lineup" brothel since I need to make a quick choice. I have a picture of the kind of gal I need emblazoned in my brain. I'll know her when I see her in the "lineup."

Getting to the brothel took longer than I expected. Guess I just assumed that they would all be located close to Las Vegas. Not true! Anyway, here I am.

As I walk in the door, I see a sign on the wall. It reads, "We Welcome You With Open Legs." A little song plays every time the door is opened. It uses the tune of Shave and a Haircut --Two Bits; but the words are different. It goes:

Sung by the whore house -- Quartet.

Have you got a hard-on? -- Not yet!

Are you gonna get one? -- You bet!

It's coming on!

The place is nothing like I expected. The lighting is subdued and the whole atmosphere is welcoming. After checking in at the desk, I'm given four forms to fill out. There's a consent form, a registration form, a legal regulations form, and a preferences form. There's also an information pamphlet.

The legal regulations form specified that there could be no recordings of any kind made in the facility. No pictures, videos, or audio; period. The preferences form let me choose what sexual acts I would be wanting. I was surprised at the length of the list!

The pamphlet stated that none of the "lineup" girls could participate in any kind of social media. There could be no photographs of them on the web or any other media that could be used for reverse image search purposes. It also said that their real names would never be used. I signed all of the forms. As for my preferences, since what I want to do is somewhat complicated, I checked the "Other" box.

A few minutes later, the ladies walked in and lined up. Each one held a card with a number on it. The girl at the desk seemed to be in charge. She asked me to make a choice. It was apparent to me that none of these girls met my requirements. They were pretty gals, but they were much too young for what I'm planning. I asked if they had any older ladies available, only to find out that they didn't. I asked if any of the other brothels might have older ladies available. That's when I was told that I needed to talk to the "boss." She would know about the availability of older gals.

I took a seat as the girls filed out of the room. A few minutes later, the "boss" walked in and spotted me. She said, "I'm Mary. I understand that our girls are too young for you."

I said, "I'm David Lawrence." I extend my hand and she looked a bit confused. Then she reached out and we shook hands. It was like shaking hands was a ritual that she doesn't perform very often.

She recovered and took the chair next to mine. She asked, "Is this about an older woman fetish, David?" I assured her that I had no such fetish. In fact, I had no fetishes whatsoever. I told her that what I wanted was complicated and it would take me a while to explain it. Then I blurted out, "The fact is, you would be perfect for what I need!"

Now she looked even more confused and a little bit flustered. I said, "Look, Mary, I'm willing to pay whatever it takes. Money is no object. Of course, I don't know if you are available for duty or if you just run this place."

She said, "I've been managing this brothel for five years, but before that, I was one of the girls in the lineup. I did that for twenty-five years. As to money being no object, I think you might be surprised at how much I made during those years in the lineup. I made a lot more then than I'm making now in management. I've made some good investments too, so don't try to sway me with money. If you want my services, you will have to convince me that it's something I would enjoy doing. It would have to be something new and unique, a different experience, so to speak. So, let's go to my office and see how convincing you can be."

Thirty minutes later, she knew the details of the practical joke that I had planned. She said, "I must admit, it's something that I've never done before. It means working in a far-away city. There have been times when I worked a convention or something like that away from this place, but that's always risky since I don't have legal standing anywhere but here. Having said that, it's so crazy that it appeals to me. I've always dreamed about being an actress. The job you are wanting to be done is probably as close as I'll ever get to living that dream."

I understood what she was saying. I said, "It will be a once in a lifetime experience, Mary. I hear what you're saying about money, but I've made quite a bit too. I have five patents that are still producing good royalties. I will pay all of your expenses. The airfare, lodging, missed salary from this place, plus whatever fee you decide to charge. I'll also cover whatever it costs to get the necessary costume and other paraphernalia that you will require."

I couldn't believe it! I had convinced her! She set about making the necessary arrangements to have someone cover her position starting tomorrow. Then she made a phone call and her "costume" was delivered within an hour. She modeled it for me and I thought she looked very convincing.

I spent the rest of the day until quitting time in her office. She got called away a few times but we spent most of the time in conversation.

At one point she said that she had noticed my marital status was listed as "divorced" on my registration form. I nodded my head.

"Mary, if you can believe it, my divorce was the fortuitous result of one of my practical jokes. It so happened that one of my colleagues named Johnny was an expert at altering photographs and videos. He was making some big bucks by attaching the faces of well-known people, mostly movie stars, to porn site bodies. I don't know how they avoided being prosecuted, but they did. To make a long story short, I decided to have some fun. I had him make one of those videos featuring the face of my wife on a porno female body fucking a porno male with the face of the college boy that lived next door. The background that was blended in was taken in our marital bedroom. Johnny blended it all together in a very convincing video. It wouldn't survive professional scrutiny, but it was very believable to the casual viewer.

When he finished the job, he sent it as an attachment to an email from a fake "friend" of mine. The subject line read, "A friend thinks you should see this!" I thought the whole thing would turn out to be a real hoot.

When the message arrived, I brought it to the attention of my wife. I couldn't wait to see how she would take the colossal joke. Turns out, the joke was on me.

Instead of laughing and asking how I was able to fake something like that, she looked horrified and yelled, "How did you get this video? Did you plant a camera in our bedroom? I didn't know you had the smarts to pull this off!"

She became very serious as she said, "How did you know about us? We were so careful."

She was bawling as she stated, "I never dreamed you would find out. I never intended to hurt you. You must believe me. I don't love him! It was just sex. Nothing more."

I found out that the affair had been going on for over a year. She promised that she would end it, but instead, I ended our marriage.

Mary said, "Unintended consequences can be bad, but they can be good too. I just wonder if our little adventure will generate anything unexpected." I wondered that too.

While I told her much of my life story, it was a two-way street. I learned a lot about her too. Her mother was an alcoholic. Her dad left when she was just five years old. After he left, her mom auditioned a string of future husbands. None of them passed the test. It was a tough time that Mary tried to forget.

She left home before graduating from high school. She shared an apartment with one of her friends that had graduated the previous year. They both worked as waitresses until the fateful day that Mary was successfully recruited by a pimp. What followed was not a good life.

She took a giant step forward in her field when she was hired at this Nevada brothel. She was doing the same work, but the environment was much better. She received training and underwent frequent STD tests. Best of all, she had a room of her own, free meals, paid health care, and a good salary. In addition, there were some very generous tips from her customers. In fact, her tips usually bested her salary. Life was good!

She began studying in her spare time. That led to her passing the GED test and getting her high school diploma. After reaching that milestone, she began taking classes at a junior college, which led to an associate degree. It took her quite a while since she could only spare the time for one or two courses each semester, but she persisted. She was the oldest member of her graduating class.

I must say that I was very impressed with Mary. I told her how much I admired the vision and tenacity that ended up getting her a management position! I told her that I'd never met a more informed person. Her vocabulary was beyond impressive. I mentioned that I knew many people with advanced degrees that were no match for her. I told her how much I respected her and that I would like to get to know her better. To that end, I suggested some long-distance dating.

She took my hand and looked me in the eyes while saying, "David, you must remember that when all is said and done, I'm a prostitute. I have had sex with hundreds of different people, perhaps more than a thousand during my twenty-five active years. I've been involved in all types of sex. I have experienced every sexual position that exists. Besides my normal one-on-one performances, I've also experienced multiple-partner sex of every kind. There's been threesomes and foursomes featuring partners of every sexual description. In addition, I've been in BDSM situations, gangbangs, and orgies of every kind imaginable.

"Think about it, David. You don't want to have any kind of dating relationship with me. You don't want to be seen with me or have your good name associated with me in any way. You must avoid becoming intimate with me. I'm damaged goods in multiple ways.

"Having said that, I think doing this thing that you have planned will be something enjoyable. I'm a born prankster. One of these days I'm going to write a story about some of the practical jokes we've pulled at this brothel. I'll have to be careful with that to protect the guilty! All of that aside, your idea is a great one. It will be fun, challenging, different, and even beneficial. It's not often that we get all of that in one package. Here's the thing and it's important: I've signed up for your prank, David, but nothing more."

I told her to let me worry about my reputation and all the rest. I reminded her that I am an adult and should be free to make my own choices. She just said, "I will not let you ruin your life because of me. If you want to be around trash, then buy a junkyard. At least that could make you some money!" Then she gave me a wink.

After Mary made some quick work arrangements and did some shopping, we left the brothel side by side. The sign over the door said, "Cum again soon."

Soon we found ourselves on a red-eye flight winging away from Nevada towards Missouri. We had some additional interesting conversations and caught a few hours of sleep before our flight ended.

I told her that she was welcome to stay with me in my condo, or I would be happy to rent a room for her at the Downtown Hotel. She chose the condo!

When the plane landed in Springfield, we picked up my car and drove to my condo. Mary was impressed with both my condo and my Tesla.

Springfield is a medium-sized Missouri town. It has everything it takes for living the good life. Of most relevance, it has the hospital where my plan will be executed.

After settling in at the condo and having a snack, she dressed in her costume. She looked like the real thing. Several people greeted her as we made our way out of the building.

I parked the Tesla in the parking lot of the restaurant across the street from the hospital. I ordered coffee and waited for her to join me after she completed her "gig." I couldn't wait to hear how it went down.

CH 02

Gary Lester was feeling lower than a snake's belly. It was his fourth day confined to a hospital bed. It seemed like months since the accident. He still woke up screaming sometimes as he recalled watching the acid begin to boil out of the heated flask. He remembered reaching out to move the flask only to scream in pain as that caustic fluid began to blister his hands. His involuntary reaction to that caused the flask to fall to the floor. He heard it break and simultaneously felt his feet begin to burn. The intense pain from both his hands and his feet was followed by complete darkness.

His next recollection was intense light. It was as bright as the sun! He was surrounded by people. Everyone was dressed in white. Everything reflected the light into his squinting eyes. Then, thankfully, the darkness returned.

He was not sure how much time elapsed until his eyes opened to a pleasantly dim scene. He was in a bed. He was unable to feel his hands or feet. He heard a voice saying, "He's awake!"

He knew that voice. It was familiar. He tried to see the face above him, but his eyes wouldn't focus.

The voice became clear. "Gary, it's Monica. Can you hear me?"

He tried to answer, but his voice failed to obey his commands.

"Honey, take it easy. Just relax. I'm just so glad you are back with us!"

Her face was replaced by a white vision placing an object on his lips saying, "Take a sip, mister Lester."

After three sips, his vision cleared and his voice returned. He saw the nurse that was holding the water glass. He croaked, "Nurse, where am I?"

As the world returned to normal, his mind began to grasp the situation. He was in a hospital bed. Both of his hands were wrapped with something that extended a few inches up his arms. His feet were wrapped too. His wife was by his side. He remembered the acid boiling over. He remembered the pain. He was thankful that there was no pain now. His eyelids became very heavy. Then he drifted back into darkness.

The room was lighter when he opened his eyes again. There was a big window with sunshine pouring in. He was alone. He tried to move, but he was being restrained. Something began to beep. It was only a few seconds later when a nurse came rushing in. She pushed some buttons and the beeping stopped. Then she asked, "How are you feeling mister Lester?"

He knew where he was. He knew why he was there. The world was normal again. He answered, "My hands hurt a little bit and I can't move. Otherwise, I think I'm alright."

She said, "I'm Gloria Lane. I'm one of your nurses. You were admitted to the hospital after an industrial accident. Do you remember the accident?"

He assured her that he remembered it well. He asked why he was being restrained. She told him it was done on a temporary basis to keep him from hurting himself. She said the doctor had been paged. When he arrived they would be able to release the restraints. She said they had also called his wife. Monica had left work and was on the way to the hospital.

When the doctor arrived, he began making Gary's life easier. Nearly everything was back to normal for Gary. He still had wrappings on his hands and feet and he was still restrained, but a least he was feeling nearly normal.

When Monica arrived, she was overjoyed. She couldn't stop kissing her husband. His tears of joy mingled with hers. She said a short prayer of thanks and told him that Father Joe was on his way to the hospital. That was important since they were a dedicated catholic family. They never missed mass or any chance to be of service. They were what Father Joe called, "pillars of the church."

When he arrived, Father Joe prayed with them. He gave thanks that Gary survived the accident and prayed for his continued improvement. As he was leaving, he said, "Gary, God knows you're here. He will watch over you. He will supply your every need. As those gifts arrive, just be thankful and appreciate each and every one of them. Jesus said, 'Ask and you shall receive.' Just remember that."

After Father Joe left, Monica was sitting in a chair beside the bed. She had been sleeping. She woke up when she heard his voice. Gary was praying to have his restraints removed. Monica took her first opportunity to sneak out of the room and talk to the doctor. He agreed that the restraints were no longer needed. He was walking toward the nursing station as she returned to Gary's room.

Soon a nurse came into the room and began removing the restraints saying, "Let's get rid of these now. They're bothersome and you no longer require them." Gary looked up and mouthed, "Thank you, Jesus!"

Since Gary couldn't grip anything with his hands, he couldn't urinate on his own. For that reason, he had to endure a catheter. He had asked to have it removed repeatedly, but to no avail. Finally, he prayed to have it removed.

The next time they ran bloodwork, they found that he had an elevated white cell count, which indicated an infection. The doctor determined that it was due to a catheter-caused urethra and bladder infection. A few minutes later, he removed the catheter. That led to another, "Thank you, Jesus," statement.

They needed to keep him hospitalized for several days to protect against additional infection. The chemical burns he suffered on his hands and feet were very subject to infection. He also had skin drafts and plastic surgery to look forward to after his wounds healed. The doctors were very happy with his progress so far. His pain meds had been reduced accordingly.

Due to the foot wrappings, there would be no walking for a while. A wheelchair would be his mode of travel. Similarly, due to his hand wrappings, nurses would be his hands for a while. When he asked about using the bathroom, his doctor said, "Now that the catheter is gone, you will have to handle urinating just like women do -- sitting down. Wiping and such will be embarrassing for a while, but we will have you back to normal as soon as possible.

The hours slowly went by without much excitement. Even though there were quite a few visits from friends and family, it was a dreary existence at best. As for merriment and excitement, there was none until the nun.

There was one thing that Gary was feeling but couldn't tell anyone. All of this time without being able to use his hands was taking its toll on him. He was horny in the extreme! He knew the nurses couldn't help. Neither could Monica. He did the only thing left to him, he prayed!

The next day, she came breezing through the door with a huge, infectious smile on her face. Her habit was an old-fashioned one of outstanding quality. Her rosary was a thing of beauty. It was the prettiest one he'd ever seen. It sparkled as if it was diamond-clad. He couldn't take his eyes off of it. Then the nun spoke to him.

"Hello, Gary, I'm Sister Mary Margaret. I've been sent to handle your special needs. I'm sure that the doctors and nurses are doing a great job, but you have some needs that they can't satisfy. God knows that."

Gary was elated. God had sent him this very special nun!

She said, "tell me about how they clean your penis. Are they doing a good job?"

Gary nearly fell out of bed. What kind of question was that? What kind of nun is this? Did God send her to clean his penis?