The Greatest Practical Joke Ever

It was with much discomfiture that he said, "Well, Sister, the male nurses try dabbing me with a sponge. It works after a fashion. The female nurses use a brush. They put some soap on the brush and take a couple of passes down the top, then they flip it over and do the same on the back. They rinse the brush and do it again. At that point, they wad up a towel and wiggle it around to get me somewhat dry. I guess it works but it's uncomfortable for both me and them."

"Ok, Gary, does it ever excite you? I'm sure you get my meaning."

Gary couldn't believe his ears. Did she really just ask him if he got a hard-on? "Sister, the reaction depends on the nurse doing the duty. Let's just say that sometimes that towel looks like it's covering a flagpole!"

With that, she raised his gown, took out a spray bottle, and sprayed his penis with some very slick soapy stuff. Then she began spreading it around and rubbing it in with her hand. Gary was beside himself. He wondered if this was some delusional dream.

He said, "Someone is going to come in and see you!"

She explained that she had stopped at the nursing station and reserved some time for a "prayer service" with him. She asked for privacy. Then she placed a sign on the doorknob that read: "Prayer service in progress. Please respect our privacy."

He calmed down, but he began to question his own sanity. The rubbing was having the desired effect. She continued that action as she kissed him on the lips with plenty of tongue action. He nearly fainted, but he found himself using his tongue to answer hers! Without further ado, she commenced giving him an "out of this world" blowjob. Almost immediately he began producing copious amounts of cum. She swallowed every drop. He remained so aroused that his flagpole lost very little of its rigidity. Within a couple of minutes, it was back to full staff. She reacted with a rinse and repeat. It took a little longer, but when he erupted like a volcano he wondered where all of that lava was coming from.

During all of that, the room was far from quiet. There was lots of heavy breathing. He kept saying, "Oh, God! Sweet Jesus! Hallelujah!" On top of all that, something was making a loud beeping sound.

When his flagpole was finally at half-mast, Sister Mary Margaret kissed him one last time. He thanked her profusely for her visit. She said, "Reserve your thanks for him that sent me to you." Little did he know who that person actually was!

Just like that, it was over. She left the room and two nurses came hurrying in. One of them used her stethoscope to listen to his heart while the other one performed a reset on the heart monitor and it finally stopped beeping.

The older nurse said, "Young man, you really do put everything into your prayers. Your heart peaked at 130! How will I explain it to the doctor? You don't know how close we came to barging in, but we could hear your words of praise so we just left it in God's hands."

He answered, "All I can say is that Sister Mary Margaret brought out the best in me."

A few minutes later, Gary was surprised to see his old friend, David Lawrence, walk through the door. David said, "Gary, I was here on the day you were admitted, but you were so 'out of it' that you probably don't remember my visit. Then I had to make a trip to Vegas on business and I just now got back. You look much better than the last time I saw you, buddy. In fact, old friend, you look as happy and contented as I've ever seen you."

They engaged in mostly small talk. Gary told David all about his accident and his medical treatment. David recited a made-up story about his trip. It was plain to see that Gary was itching to say something else. David waited patiently for what he was sure would happen soon. He would hear the verdict on how much all of his planning, organizing, and executing had paid off. Would it confirm that he had designed the best practical joke ever?

Finally, Gary asked David if he had ever heard the story about a young lady that had been raised at the north pole and had never seen an elephant.

David said, "I don't think I've heard that one."

Gary said, "Well, she married some guy and ended up in small-town USA. When the circus came to town, one of their elephants escaped. She looked out her window in disbelief. She called the police and told them that an animal with two back ends was in her vegetable garden. She said that it had a tail on both behinds. It was using the biggest tail to pick heads of lettuce. The cop said, 'It's picking the lettuce with its tail?' She affirmed that it just wrapped its tail around the head of lettuce and ripped it right out of the ground. The cop asked, 'What does it do with the lettuce after picking it?' She said, "If I told you, you'd never believe it!'"

While David was laughing, Gary said, "I have a story like that. You're never going to believe what happened to me just a few minutes ago! You will be just like that gal that saw the elephant!"

He gave David the complete blow by blow -- pun intended -- and had him rolling in the aisles. He laughed until he cried. Unbeknown to Gary, David had recorded the whole thing. David couldn't wait to play the recording for Mary. Anyway, when he settled down, David said, "Gary, I don't know what kind of meds they're giving you, but I think one of them is giving you hallucinations!"

His friend answered, "I've thought of that, but the way the nurses reacted has convinced me that it really happened. They saw the nun enter the room and they watched her leave. They heard what was being said during the whole thing. It was for real, old buddy. It was for real!"

Just before he left, David said, "Good buddy, I forgot to give you the gift I brought." Saying that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a rosary. It looked very familiar to Gary. "Where did you get that?" he asked.

David said, "Why? Don't you like it?"

"I love it. It reminds me of one I saw a nun wearing."

"Well, Gary, I saw it in a jewelry store in Vegas. Knowing how religious you are, I thought such a thing of beauty would be a good gift for you."

"It's a great gift, buddy. You will never know how much it will mean to me. I will treasure it forever."

"Don't go all mushy on me, pal," said David as he hugged his friend and prepared to depart.

CH 03

When I got back to the condo, I was looking forward to seeing Mary's reaction to what Gary said on the recording. I knew it would make her day. She had pulled it off better than anyone could have imagined. She had what it takes to be an actress. Just as I expected, her reaction was not a disappointment. She was elated.

She said, "I think you set the record for the best ever practical joke. Of course, records are meant to be broken, so enjoy it while you can. Someone may come up with something as good or better soon, so enjoy it while you have it."

I told her that she was absolutely right and suggested that a quick celebration was in order. With that, I booked us a table at the best steakhouse in town. I enjoyed every minute of our first real "date." She was impressed with the food and she loved the romantic ambiance. When I suggested that we top it off with a visit to the best nightclub in town, she agreed wholeheartedly. It was the most fun I'd had in years and she seemed to be enjoying it too.

While we were dancing, I told her about my house in Branson. I mentioned the beautiful view from the deck. She asked, "Isn't that the place that has more country music shows than Nashville?"

When I answered in the affirmative, she told me that she was a big country fan. That emboldened me enough to ask her if she could swing an additional couple of days off. I said, "We could stay at my place and see some great shows". She seemed excited as she agreed to ask for some additional time off.

I must tell you that I was a perfect gentleman during all of the activities that evening. She was the perfect companion. I decided then and there that I didn't care if she'd had sex with a million men, I wanted to get to know this woman better. Perhaps, even in the Biblical sense.

When our "date" was over and we returned to the condo, I told her that she could have the bedroom of her choice. She asked me which one I used. I told her and she said, "I choose that one."

I said that I would have to move a few items and then it would be all hers. She said, "I don't want you to move anything. I want to share that room with you. I can use this night to repay you for the pleasure you've given me this evening -- if you get my drift."

I asked her, "When you spend the night with someone, who is in charge of what happens sexually? Do you call the shots or does your client?"

She answered, "First, I just want to say that it is very seldom that I spend the whole night with a client. As good as I am, or at least used to be, I'm not worth that kind of money. My services are very expensive. Most clients schedule one hour with me. Tonight, I'm not on the job. I'm paying you back for the privilege of participating in the best practical joke of all time. Also, for the most fun that I've had in ages."

"That's good information, Mary, but it doesn't answer my question. When you are providing your services, who's in charge?"

"Well, let's put it this way, I'm in charge, but I make the clients believe that they are."

"That's where things have to be different with me, Mary. I'll admit that I'm not the sexual expert here. If I have sex with you, I will have had a total of a half-dozen partners. I don't have your experience, but I insist that I be the person in charge. I've never had sex with anyone on a first date. I like to become comfortable with my partner, especially when I believe in my heart that I would like to be with her on a long-term basis. Would you agree to allow me to make the first move and to let me determine the speed at which we progress?"

"I would be happy to let you do that, David. The show will be yours and yours alone."

Shortly after our talk, we were in bed together. We held each other and we cuddled. We spoke lovingly, but kissing was as far as we went that night. This was a typical first time together for me and she seemed content to let me play my game. She didn't attempt to call the shots.

At breakfast the following morning, she said that even with my lack of experience, I had given her a sexual "first." She said, "David, last night was the first time in my life that I spent the whole night in bed with a man without having sex. I really enjoyed the holding and cuddling. It was a sex-free night, but it was extremely romantic. I thoroughly enjoyed it!" Hearing that made me a happy camper.

I wanted to visit Gary again before we left for Branson and she wanted to take some time to make sure she had her duties in Nevada covered for a few more days. Therefore, I drove to the hospital while she used her phone and laptop to finalize arrangements at the brothel.

I enjoyed my visit with Gary. His condition continued to improve and things were looking good for him. He was still marveling and grappling with his visit from Sister Mary Margaret. I would tell him the truth someday, but this was not that day.

CH 04

I entered the door of my condo with more hope and happiness than I could remember having in my entire life. I yelled, "Hey, Sister Mary Margaret, where in the hell are you?"

I expected a laugh, but there was only silence.

I walked to the bedroom. Her clothes had disappeared from the closet. I looked in the bathroom. Her things were gone. No makeup. No soap on a rope. No hairbrush. No sign that she'd ever been there.

In a daze, I walked into the sitting area. On the table, I saw some manilla envelopes. They were laid out in a row. They were numbered from 1 to 5.

I had a sinking feeling in my heart as I opened envelope #1. There was a photocopy of a Master's Degree issued to Mary Margaret Davidson by UNLV.

As I pondered that, I opened envelope #2. There was a LinkedIn printout about Mary Margaret Scranton. It said that she and her husband, Rex Scranton, were co-owners of the All Things Considered Consortium of Las Vegas. It was one of the most successful husband-and-wife ventures in the country. They had partial ownership of 20 casinos and also sat on the board of directors in most of those enterprises. In addition, they owned a brothel management company that ran three Nevada brothels. There was a picture of the Scrantons. It showed a handsome man and a very familiar woman standing arm in arm.

Envelope #3 contained another picture of the couple. This time he was in a tuxedo and she wore a wedding dress. Under the picture, a caption stated: "Mary Margaret Davidson weds Rex Scranton." My tears fell on their picture.

Envelope #4 contained an invitation. It said, "Mary Margaret and Rex Scranton would love to have you attend their 25th wedding anniversary." It gave the date and location as well as some background information.

Envelope #5 contained a note to me. She wrote, "When you chose me over all of the ladies in the lineup and explained your practical joke, I saw my opportunity to prank the prankster.

"I'm not a prostitute nor have I ever given anyone sex for money. Our company manages the brothel and I was just filling in for an ill manager. I thought it would be an interesting way to pass some time while my husband was attending a convention in New York. Was it ever!

"I'll let you determine which one of us deserves the title of The World's Greatest Practical Joker.

"No matter what, David Lawrence, YOU HAVE BEEN PRANKED!"

All at once, I was looking at the other side of the coin. I was the one being pranked! I should be laughing my ass off, right? I'm sure that she is! Then why am I crying?

I really got taken in. I felt myself falling in love with her and I even allowed myself to dream that she was doing likewise. Yes, it was all very quick, but isn't there a thing called love at first sight?

Maybe I saw myself as a knight in shining armor rescuing the damsel in distress. Little did I realize that the life she already had was more than I could ever give her. In the end, she was the perfect loving wife.

I began to wonder about all of the previous practical jokes that I had played on unsuspecting subjects. Did they see them as funny?

Take the one I just played on Gary, the one that brought all of this other stuff to pass. I intended to tell him about it once he was home and completely recovered from his wounds. Would doing that just be another wound? Would he laugh on the outside while crying inside? Does he need to believe that his God, the one he believes in with his whole heart and soul, did him a huge favor? Should I just marvel along with him and forever withhold the truth?

Decisions, decisions. Is life just a long string of decisions?

While we are contemplating these endless possibilities, could this whole existence be a huge practical joke? Is there someone or something up there laughing while we cry? Just asking.

Coming back to earth, I find myself wishing that I had played things differently on that sex-less night that I spent with Mary. I should've screwed her, or at least tried to. That would have put the decision on her. Admit the joke or become an adulteress! Having said that, I can think of a dozen ways it could have gone wrong. Oh, well.

Let me tell you one thing for sure: this has been a life-changing experience for me. I will never again play a practical joke on anyone. I'm done with pranks.

The End