The Idiot, the Farmer and Me Ch. 02

"Errr..."

I guessed I had stretched their joint mental abilities to the limit so just smiled,

"Go back and give Les a message for me," I said.

"Well,"

"Do you have a pen? I said. Brian patted himself down, he obviously didn't have one - in the same way he didn't have a microscope, telescope or stethoscope - he wouldn't know what to do with any of them and I doubted could write his own name. "Wait there, I'll get one."

I got a pen and a small piece of paper from the notepad on the table near the door and wrote down five words.

'Les,

Go fuck yourself.

Sam.'

"Give him this," I said stepping down to the street, the look on my face making the pair of Pound Shop gangsters move away, "and tell him that if he so much as sneezes in my or any of my friends' direction I will cut off both of his testicles and fry them with onions and then tear his undersized penis from his body without anaesthetic; that's before I give what's left of him to Denise and then Mike."

Brian looked at Carl and Carl looked at Brian - this whole threatening with menaces shit wasn't as easy as it looked on the telly, their victim looked fucking terrifying not terrified.

That night the Idiot Ex rang me, and I was about to disconnect the call and then bar him from calling me again when I just gave up and answered it.

"What the Fuck is this note about?" he said, trying to sound intimidating.

"Oh good," I said, "You found someone to read it to you."

"What you mean?"

"Just get on with it Les," I said.

"Well..." he started slowly, "You're still my Missus see an'..."

"I'm not your Missus." I snapped shutting him right down, "We divorced fifteen years ago Les, or did you forget that?" the line was quiet, "Oh come on!" I said brightening my tone, "you MUST remember! You were fucking everything that moved including your own family and I wasn't, even though you said I was!" I added a very false giggle, "You gave me an STD and I threw you out... Oh! I remember it like it was only yesterday!"

"Yeah," he paused taking a breath, "Yeah... well..." he said jumping straight back in, "In... In the eyes of God we're still..."

"GOD!?" I snapped, "bloody... GOD!?" I all but howled in disbelief, "We got married in a fucking registry office Les, REMEMBER?" I snapped back at him, "you said it was because I was pregnant and you were a Catholic, but really it was because you and your cousin Joe had screwed the Church Hall and had most of the lead off of the church roof the year before and you thought the verger recognised you and might go to the police..."

"I'll... I'll..."

"You'll what Les?" I said, "send round the gruesome twosome? You already tried that and they both ran away from me. From ME Les!" I snarled, "Remember that it's ME you're dealing with, Tommy Haymer's daughter! Remember that? I spent the first 16 years of my life living with a nastier bastard than you, and dumb and dumber and most of your mates will ever be and I don't scare easy Les; and you so much as scratch the paintwork on my car and they'll be digging up bits of you all over South London for the next twenty years!"

The line went quiet. It was all shit, but Les never knew that. No one in my family had any dealings with what was left of my Dad's motley crew, let's face it even the younger ones were likely to be in their late sixties. But the threat was still a credible one, especially with the Idiot Ex who just lapped up all that gangster shit.

"Well," he mumbled, "It... it still ain't right."

"Oh we're doing what's right and fair are we? Well if you think that we're still in some sort of relationship then it's OK, because you were fucking lots of people while we were actually legally married, so if I screw someone while we're divorced then we're equal! That's fair isn't it!"

"I tol' you all that was..." esteemed bullshitter that he was even he couldn't rationalise that, and I was expecting a Donald Trump 'fake news' claim but I doubt the Idiot Ex even knew who he was, coming in with a, "Yeah, well I did say sorry..."

"Fuck off Les," I disconnected the call.

Dave's car arrived on the dot of seven o'clock and I walked out to meet it. While I'd looked pretty good at the wedding, tonight I was HOT! Even I, my biggest critic, thought so and I Higgins-stalked across to his car again and he grinned. My gently tanned skin from the late holiday I'd bought for Izzy, Den and me before the wedding was on display with my shit-hot cleavage that I'd spent ten minutes arranging was better than I'd hoped for; he struggled to tear his eyes from it and I made sure that it was pointing at him as often as possible. Mind you, in his dark suit and silk shirt, with just the right amount of aftershave I was pleased with my view as well.

We both went straight for the banter seeing the effort that the other had made, and we had a nice drive the ten miles out into the country and the great restaurant he had chosen. He'd gotten a very cosy booth which meant that we had the best of both worlds and could make eyes at each other and still be close if necessary. The food was wonderful and my very first meal of that kind of quality and sophistication and he was so attentive, something no man had ever been before. Our chat was honest and open about our lives and became more tender as we seriously got into each other.

Over coffee our mutual attraction was so evident that we slid closer and just grinned at each other, words quite unnecessary as he took my hand under the table. It was so romantic that I leaned forward for our first real kiss. I took his hand under the table and placed it on my leg and soon he was stroking my thigh and I moved so it would be easier for him to do so. We kissed passionately, our booth allowing us to do it in private without disapproving glares or stares and we were touching each other.

After a third cup of coffee and his massaging of my inner thighs I was close to sliding off my pantyhose under the table when the waiter arrived with the bill.

Bastard. I was so fucking horny - like I never had been before ever!

Dave paid and I stood, managing to pull down my stretchy dress so the world wouldn't see my arse, and we were thanked for our custom and wished a very good night. It had been going rather well for me already!

He drove me home and parked,

"Would you like to come in?" I said, boldly placing a hand on his thigh, inches from the erection I could see fighting within his trousers, and he flinched just a bit but slid across to kiss me.

"I so want to Sam, but I have a sitter that needs to be home by one..." he took a deep breath, "look, err... what are you doing this weekend?"

"Nothing," I said, kissing him again.

"Come to my place, out in the country, bit of fresh air and..."

"And fresh Dave!"

"Oh yeah," he kissed me this time.

Eventually I was the one that looked at my watch and told him that he needed to go. He promised to text me instructions on how to get to his place and after a final heart stopping kiss through his open window I pushed myself away and waved him off, and had one of those Cher 'Moonstruck' moments walking back to my flat.

I worked through that Friday like it was at double speed. With Denise over a lunchtime coffee we chatted about what I was going to do seeing as how we had so heavily petted the night before. Denise was all about what I should shave and what undies to wear while I was way past all of that. I had already packed my bag at silly o'clock that morning while I lay awake after a great naked and noisy masturbatory come, something I had had really gotten into since the departure of my daughter for her own place and the 'Fifty Shades' books she gave me a few weeks later.

My excitement was amazing, I was going to spend my first weekend at Dave's farm; well, I call it a farm, according to Dave it's a smallholding - I really can't tell the difference to be honest but at that farm... or small holding... I was going to be staying, and sleeping, with Dave.

The early chat that we had over our meal he told me that he has a small flock of sheep for lamb and mutton, four pigs, one of which was pregnant and expecting another litter of little porkers that would keep Dave and most of his immediate family in pork, bacon, ham and sausages for the foreseeable future. There was a whole mess of chickens, ducks and geese and that kept him supplied with eggs and meat for his table and then there was the three cows that did for milk and cheese, and every couple of years beef.

Like I said, a bloody farm. I'd read a few chapters of my Australian outback rancher book for the final orgasm that eventually put me to sleep.

It was amazing that he had time to do any kind of work other than look after his livestock, but his Father-in-law lived locally and was around and helped out regularly, most days in fact. He had told me that the old boy was often there, but it wasn't by way of a warning.

"Ol' John is great," said Dave spreading his pate, "he's really close to Chrissie, always has been but more since Paula died, they have the greatest relationship, it's fantastic to watch."

"Will he be OK with me Dave," I said, trying hard to keep a smile on my face and thinking that Dave's late wife's Dad might not be the ideal person to have around while I was hoping to seduce and be seduced by his son-in-law.

"Yeah, he's a really nice old boy, and he'll just love you."

"So long as you're sure." I said trying to hide my concern.

"Certain," said Dave.

So as I stretched slightly against my seatbelt, I motored slowly down the country road thinking on this first weekend at 'his place'; OK we had messed around in the restaurant and in his car but this was going to be proper, full on... full on what I hear you ask, well... sex I figured.

Yes, we'd had dinner, heavily petted in his car and everything but that thing; intercourse, sex, making love, screwing, shagging, a good fuck, we still had to do that and fucking hell I was looking forward to it. The Sammy of twenty years ago would have pulled off her tights and climbed in the back of his car and gone for it, but it hadn't some shitty pub car park or recreation ground, it was a rather well lit street in a very nice part of a Surrey market town.

I saw the balloons he'd promised to put on the appropriate signposts and turned, my SatNav working quite well, and eventually there was the first dark green five-bar gate he'd told me to look out for.

It was amazing, what I thought was going to be some ramshackle collection of outbuildings was a glorious farmhouse with several large barns and buildings all surrounded by any number of hedged fields with animals moving around in them. There was the second five-bar gate and I slowed and stopped the car, stepping out to open it, then drove through to close it again after me. The big sign 'please shut the gate' was the big give-away there. In moments there was Dave, looking good in his jeans and a T-shirt with a big grin on his face,

"Sam!" he shouted across the farmyard to me and I returned the big smile. Leaving my bag in my car I ran to him.

We kissed long and hard and the second we broke for breath he lifted me into his arms and carried me through to his house and into his incredible kitchen. It was the kind of place that you saw in TV programmes with a real kitchen table and he dragged out a chair and lowered me into it, kissing me again before turning to his work top and switching on a kettle.

"Wow Sam, you look incredible!" he said. I had gone with my favourite stretchy blue jeans and a fitted top showing all of my curves to their very best and Dave obviously approved.

"Not looking so bad yourself Dave," I replied with a blushed giggle.

We sat at his table chatting the inconsequentialities of what had happened since the night before. I felt something touch my leg and looked down to see a very long canine nose and the black flappy ears of black flat-coated retriever. I'd always loved them but we could never afford a dog when I was young and the Idiot Ex never trusted them.

"You've met Russ!" said Dave and at the sound of his name the dog plunked a large wide furry paw onto my thigh and his long tail started to wag energetically.

"Hi Russ!" I said and still with his bottom on the kitchen fireplace rag rug, he raised both front paws, held them in the air for a few moments before lowering them onto my lap, gently pressing down and raising himself up to lick my face, all in a matter of seconds. It was sooooo cute!

We became very good friends and I proceeded to feed him bits and pieces of the cooked pizza that Dave had placed on the table the moment after I sat down. Next there was a plate of oven cooked chips with a spicy ketchup and I was having just the greatest time even though I was still just in his kitchen.

"Where's Chrissie?" I said, sipping the lightly chilled Rosé wine he'd brought out.

"He's with John in his campervan," he said with a big smile, "they're probably stopped somewhere up in the Welsh valleys, a place close to both of their hearts."

"Not..."

"Not because of you Sam!" he grinned holding my hand across the table, "well actually it is because of you, John said that you and I should have our first weekend alone without him or Chrissie around to mess things up for us!"

"Really?" I squealed, in part embarrassment part joy. His lovely family really wanted to give me and him a bit of chance to the point that they were leaving us alone for a couple of nights!

We ate more food, then he walked me around his farm showing me all the animals in their fields, barns and byres, before he put them to bed for the night. I looked at his barn and saw a large stack of hay bales! As the half-moon crept up into the sky he stepped up behind me as I stared down into the duck pond, and slipped his arms around me resting them on my belly. It was so nice!

I then realised that it wasn't only the animals that he was going to be putting to bed this night.

"Are you sure you're OK with this Sam?" as he pulled his bedroom door closed.

"Yes..." I stuttered stood by his bed, "Yes! Just a bit nervous if I'm honest."

Dave sat on the bed and pulled me to sit down next to him.

"Sam, you're a gorgeous, sexy woman and you have nothing to be nervous about! We're just sharing a bed, if you don't want to... do anything, then..."

I had to get it off of my chest,

"Dave... I... it's just I..."

He kissed me, and it took my breath away,

"Like I said nothing to be nervous about."

"Dave, I... I... haven't had sex with anyone in fifteen years almost."

"OK," he said with a shrug of his shoulders, "five for me, anything else?"

I grinned at him,

"It's just... I was never very good at it and..."

"Let me be the judge of that honey." He smiled at me reassuringly, I thought I might melt!

"And Dave?" He nodded and raised his eyebrows, "Just before I kicked out Les, he gave me Chlamydia... all of those slappers he was shagging probably... I was treated for it and declared all clear but if you don't want to, or want to use a condom..." I picked up my handbag and routed through it for the pack I'd bought in the supermarket early that day, "I won't be offended hones..."

He shut me up by gluing his mouth to mine and leaning back onto the bed pushing me flat under him. Next thing I knew his hands were at the belt of my jeans, then the button, then the zip,

"Lift you bottom for me," he whispered breaking our kiss and I did so, helping him pull my thankfully stretchy jeans down past my knees, holding them so I could pull my feet free of them. His mouth was still locked to mine as all this was going on, and I had my arms around his neck stroking his hair and his face.

I did break our kiss if only to gasp, quite simply when he laid his across hand across my cotton string panty covered pussy and gave me just the gentlest squeeze, and far from the nervous first chatter, I was pushing my crotch up and against his grasp.

Fuck but it was hot and I was more turned on than I had been in my life before ever!

"Ooh Fuck yeah," I gasped into his mouth, my whole body trembling to this excitement, and I felt my nipples stinging, hardened as if they'd been frostbitten.

Dave let go of my puss for a second, and with a whispered 'hold tight' dragged me up so my head was resting my on the pillows. He lay his weight on me and we snogged outrageously and despite my concern that 'I wouldn't know what to do' after my years of celibacy then masturbation, soon I was hands all over him copying his hands all over me.

He pulled up my T-shirt kissing my still mostly flat tummy, then up to my bra that matched my tiny panties so well, kissing all the exposed flesh he could reach before he pulled my shirt over my head and settled his lips back on mine. Our kissing become more sensual and he gradually covered my face in tiny teasing pecks that stoked my already lit fires, and next he was kissing his way along my jawline, my neck, moving lower to my shoulder, and my now flushed chest, reaching his hand under me to squeeze and unclip my bra and I felt my full bosom relax and I panicked that he wouldn't approve of my big mature tits.

No such worry, his teasing pecks became sucks, licks and small bites, stopping to feast on my rock hard nipples. From the burn in my groin I just knew that I was ready for him and figured it was about time that I got in on the action and reached down to the front of his jeans. But I couldn't reach!

He was kissing lower and lower, and I felt my stomach muscles flex and tighten as he kissed the soft and tender flesh that had never been touched like this before ever and as his weight lifted from me, I felt my panties being inexorably pulled down my thighs and his mouth kissing to the thin strip of pubic hair that Denise had nagged me into having waxed the day before our midweek date. I had left work early and had scrubbed myself 'down there' because of my worry that there might be some smell, but this didn't worry Dave who was very gently raising and spreading my thighs so he could get his lips and tongue to this place I had so worried about.

I cried out as he swiped his rough tongue along the groove of my labia, stopping to force its way up and into the shrouded hood of my clitoris that had only seen some fingering and electric stimulation since the kids had grown up and moved out and I was left alone with my thoughts, hormones and any number of mummy porn books that did the rounds. While I had beat myself off quite a few times it was nice and sexy and ended in orgasm but shit, nothing even close to this!

As he tongued my wet pussy it was just as a prequel to his long finger sliding into me and fiddling with my clit, my pussy lips all before sliding into me as far back as my cervix and my G-spot that he rubbed to fuck, so much so that my hips were pushing up and into his face as my first orgasm with a man came thundering through my body ready to implode.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!

My warbled and gasped embarrassed encouragements of 'oh yeah', 'just like that' and 'please don't stop' gave way to long, high pitched warbling cry as I came to orgasm, my pussy pressed hard into my lovers face as he gave me about five seconds to recover before taking me there again, my cry modulating as he licked and picked and strummed my sex like a virtuoso.

It wasn't until I felt him kiss his way back up my body that I caught my breath and looked down at his smug wet face smiling back up at me that I realised that in the midst of all of that sexual pleasure I was naked and satisfied on his bed while he hadn't so much as taken his socks off!

He rolled to his side laying a warm hand on my tummy, and drawing his handsome face level with mine, he smiled that wonderful warm smile of his at me,

"No sex in fifteen years? Really didn't seem to be a problem, especially once we reached your second... or was it third orgasm, and as for chlamydia, well I couldn't taste it..."