The Infinite Bk. 03 Ch. 08

"So that's why the kingdom has you under surveillance. They think you either helped him, or you can be used as bait to lure him back."

"My brother and I helped build this country to what it is now, and in the blink of an eye, all that trust has disappeared. The kingdom wants everyone to believe that Valon died to avoid a scandal, and in the hopes that it'll keep enemy countries from trying to recruit him. They forced me to go into teaching so that they could keep a close eye on me."

"Why didn't you go looking for him?"

"As much as I would love to hunt him down and beat some sense into him, I honestly have no idea where he could be. The island of our clan was destroyed long ago by a tsunami, and he and I traveled the world for ages before coming to Uther. With all the craziness in his head, he could be a million miles away right now, zig-zagging across the map. Colbrand is our home now, and if I leave, we will never be able to return. It's not in my nature to do nothing, but Valon has gone to a place I can't follow, and right now, it feels like my only hope is that he comes to his senses and returns of his own will. But deep down, I know that it's a foolish hope. I still don't even know what he experienced to make him so crazy."

Noah took a sip of tea. "His ego was crushed."

"If that's a joke, I'm not laughing."

"I don't mean like he was beaten in a fight, and his manly pride was bruised. I mean he lost the ability to find meaning in anything around him. He became fully aware of his own insignificance in the cosmos and realized just how pointless everything is."

"I don't understand."

"You told me that your sensory spell lets you feel distance in the air the same way you can feel the distance from your hand to your shoulder. You can reach out ten feet or so, right? Imagine reaching out billions of miles across the cosmos, losing all meaning of time and space as you discover innumerable worlds and stars that overshadow everything you hold dear. None of your beliefs, your fears, your hopes, and your accomplishments matter. Imagine seeing, feeling, and living the entirety of creation, and then your mind snaps back to your tiny flesh-and-blood body. He realized just how small he is, how pointless everything is."

"How nihilistic."

"Nihilism is something that people believe, the same way a spoiled child believes that war is terrible, but they can't truly understand it, can't grasp the inarguable truth of it. Everyone believes in something, some kind of abstract value. It's how they live. It can be the importance of their wealth, faith, family, life, or anything. Whatever it is, everyone has to believe that something in their life matters. Even the most depressed, traumatized person with the most tragic life imaginable is capable of feeling something, believing that something is sacred and something is taboo."

"You speak as someone with experience. But what makes you someone who knows instead of someone who believes?" Noah looked out the window, watching the snow pelt the glass. What was originally a light flurry was turning into a blizzard. "Noah?"

"How old are you, Valia? Seven, eight hundred years?"

"It's rude to ask a woman about her age, but I'm closer to seven hundred."

"Well I'm closer to seven thousand, but I honestly don't know the exact number. It's just my best estimate."

The vastness of his age surprised her, but she maintained her composure. "So you're an immortal, I thought as much. I always wondered what the reason was for the strange things you said, like when we spoke about guilt in killing our enemies. You were hoping I was someone like you. You looked at me and saw someone who knows what it's like to dwell among humans who live and die in a flash."

"Not immortal, eternal. My flesh ages and dies, but my soul lives on to find a new body after death. I have lived more than a hundred lives across more than a hundred different realities and timelines. There are infinite universes, in which every possible event that can happen does happen, and every time I die, I am reborn in another world, in the same time period, but with a different past or future. This world is just another I have journeyed to, and this body you see is just another vessel for my soul."

"I see. So then what do you need my brother's research for?"

"It's my only hope of stopping this."

He emptied his teacup, but Valia didn't say anything. She just gazed at him with kind eyes, not in disbelief or confusion, but with the certainty that there was more he wanted to say. When he lowered the cup, she refilled it, but when he reached for it, she placed her hand on his, feeling him shake.

"Do you know what it's like to be unable to die?" he finally asked, his voice trembling. "To know you can never close your eyes one last time and just fade away into nothingness? To be trapped in your mind, forced to hear your thoughts and see your memories until the end of time, with no way out? I've seen and experienced so much, and... I'm just so tired. I just want it to end. I try to force myself to care, to find meaning in the small things, but I've lived too long to believe anything is important. In the multiverse, nothing is special, nothing is unique, and nothing matters. In every life I live, I have to fake every tear, every smile, every relationship."

"I know you aren't faking this."

Noah turned his hand over, holding hers. "I'll help you find him," he finally said. "I still have hope that I can find the answers I need in the academy library or elsewhere in Colbrand, but if your brother hasn't come back by the end of the year, we can leave and track him down."

"You're serious?"

"Valon is the best chance I have at finally ending my curse. With his help and research, maybe I can experience true death and my journey can end. And even if he can't help me, I suppose it would be nice to finally be able to talk to someone like myself. He learned the truth in an instant, and I had it ground into me over time. I'm curious what he'll be like."

"Unless ordered by the king, doing this would make both of us deserters, even traitors. As your teacher, my stance on desertion and treason should be fairly obvious. That said, lecturing you would just be lip service. I'm not the kind of person who refuses hope when it presents itself. Deep down, I've been waiting for a push like this. Thank you. We'll find him together and break your curse, I promise."

They continued to talk as snowflakes melted against the window.

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