All Comments on 'The Initiation'

Cute story but your writing really needs help. It is hard to enjoy reading something that is so choppy with such poor syntax. Please find someone to help you before you post again.

A very good beginning, I enjoyed the story very much. It might be a good idea to find an editor, it detracted from your excellent story that the grammar was a little off or the words were mixed up. Overall a great first story.

My initial thoughts on your story were that it really is quite sexy in places. I also got the impression that English isn’t your native language, if it isn’t then what you’ve written is really good but it does have some problems.

It was a little bit disjointed at times, for someone painfully naïve she’s very adventurous, good for her! The situation with John and his sister seems really bizarre the vast majority of siblings are not going to have sex in front of each other. So if you plan to go down the incest route you should add it into the tags. If you’re aiming for Daddy Dom : Little type of BDSM then you should add that too. Both are things that I’m not interested in at all, so I won’t be reading on if you do add them. What’s happened so far is already bizarre, which brings me to mention the maid/ cleaner. She is very definitely not a normal maid! I thought John was being straightforward with Gudrun? If she honestly thinks what the maid was doing is normal then she’s gone past naïveté straight into dumb territory.

Terminology & language usage; some of the words you used to describe things were out of place, she wouldn’t have had a dildo in her arse, that would be a butt plug. Whilst she was trying to deep throat she would be gagging not gaggling. The way she’s talking about the people involved with John on a day to day basis had her talking about herself in the third person, she mentally listed those people, including by name instead of adding and me too.

By anyone's standards if English isn’t your first language you’ve done a great job so far, getting an editor/ proof reader will help.

Best of luck with your writing.

Tess (UK)

Thank you so much Tess for your very helpful comments. I will try harder on the speelchecl and the editing in future

Thanks everyone for your helpful comments.