All Comments on 'The Internship'

She is an awful character, but definitely akin to your other narcissistic female main characters who do stupid things, for selfish reasons, that they have to either explain or have explained to them, ad nauseum, in minute detail for 7 pages. I want to like your stories. I do. But the dialogue is so overwritten that the stories don’t go anywhere- they stagnate in repetitive, unrealistic, formal dialogue between unlikeable characters.

This is all bad! Bad characters, bad plot and even worst ending! Awful, long and boring story!

Not sure I liked this one. One thing though way too many words.

There was an interesting story and relationship, but writing was far too ponderous and repetitive. There were not enough real dramatic events to justify the length.

Nice little too word y but still stick to your style ignore the annon

Rambling, pedantic...1*

Ending is shit! That’s not a conclusion to a story.

Beth is a narcissist. Jim would have been better off letting her go. Marcus is a jerk but seems he may change his way. Regardless, this was tedious and way too long with a bad ending. She gets away with it and will cheat again someday.

I tried, I really did, to read this through. The old line about when you stop hitting your head against the wall kicked in around page 4. You have a pretty good story here, but you should have told it in 2-3 pages.

The basic story is good. The repetition is far from good. It took 3 pages of talking to Marcus, for her not to say that he ‘took advantage’ - cliche, but true. The repetition is truly tedious, and frustrating, to read. Marcus’ reactions in Beth’s apartment, then the cafe, were very good - but again far too wordy. I sincerely thought that Jim should have told Beth that if she couldn’t visit him at home, then get lost.

The premise of the story is good but…. It’s so slow and tedious. The conversations are so pedestrian and drawn out. None of the characters came out of this with any glory.

wordy and repetitive. no consequences for cheating.

As nyc11975 said, but for me it already finished after page 2.

So the Lying Cheating selfish self-centered whore of a GF just lies and lies. Meanwhile, Jim, the hardworking doofus from the country should have dumped the cheating bitch a long time ago. LOL such is life. Will she cheat again? You betcha', you know she will. She is a slut. The next time she gets lonely, she will find someone else to keep her company. The Good guys always finish last, and that is Jim. 5 stars even if I think that Jim should have found out her lies and cheating by coming by her place to surprise her when she had her black lover there. Let her try to lie her way out of that! , 5 stars even tho the story didn't go the way I would wanted it to go. Boy, Mr Chopped, you sure can come up with a lot, a Lot of words! You are some skilled writer. Thanks, for the story. Buster2U

Really dragged on and on in a desperate attempt to defend the indefensable. She should cut Jim loose. He deserves more than her.

Oy... that was tough to get thru. I was wondering when it would end.

Normally this author's tendency towards repetitive dialogue is merely annoying because the background story is so strong.

In this case I was praying for the story to finally be done.

It's a story about how Beth did Jim wrong yet the author spent more time with Beth and Marcus. Then finishing it with Marcus vowing to he a better man ... Just seemed odd and out of place to me.

I appreciate the author sharing this story but, can't say I enjoyed it.

Maybe a part 2 to this story would clear things up!

This story took longer than the 100 year war.,.

I just can't anymore. This is the last one. Best of luck but no more for me

Not a fun read.

Your standard m.o. Good premise, horribly drawn out writing. Not worth more than a skim read.

Wonderful story. A tad overwrought and in places the dialogue was repetitive. Still a long tale to get to a point about how a secret has consequences, for multiple parties.

I wanted to give this story more than 3* but the heroine is truly one selfish, self absorbed person.

Too much repeating by her about what she did to Jim was bad, yet she fucked Marcus despite Jims visits. Run for the hills Jim, shez a flake.

a bit on the fence one

Your subject, or theme, is good and worth pursuing, and I rated the story highly; but your main character is like a leaking faucet that can't be shut off.

"this story is longish". Lol, which one of yours isn't?

Tbh, I skipped 90% of it. It was pretty much all repetitious dialogue. I get what you were trying to do, but that much dialogue just bogs the story down. Think about how many times people said the same thing in slightly different ways. The dialogue wasn’t driving the story forward, it was holding it back.

I think you had a really interesting concept, I think the bones of the story are really solid, but it was extremely difficult to read. This is one of the few times where I really feel that the maxim “show don’t tell” would do wonders for you.

Honestly I hope he finds out before they marry that she cheated on him. This relationship is doomed to fail, cheaters never prosper, and secrets always come to light eventually.... only the devastation he would go through finding out 20-50 years later is far worse then what he'd suffer finding out before they married. If she trully loved him she's stop being so selfish and tell him the truth and let him go.

Way to much navel gazing. I am a speed reader and found myself drowning in tortuous anal retentive pages of utter fluff. This is an interesting take that deserves about 2 - 3 pages or so. I suggest you read Hemingway’s short story “Hills Like White Elephants” and then peruse some of the commentary. Hemingway was a master of writing a draft then stripping it down to his joy the skeleton and then down to a few remaining bones packed with meaning and symbolism. He condensed books worth into mere pages.

Study his tale. It can form a great template for your use in improving your writing.

Sorry

2 stars

Every page said the same thing, which was practically nothing at all. This story could have cut 90% off the dialogue and been a single page and been better if it had actually wireless or a real storyline.

to the author: Why oh why do you make your female characters such nosebleeds who talk everything to death. This wasn't a story, it was a series of increasingly incoherent ramblings from a fucked up woman who cheated on her fiance. Yes, she didn't have a ring yet but only because she made the decisions she did. Again, in less than 4 months she fucked this other guy multiple times. She is not going to reveal that, which is undoubtedly known to more than just Marcus ( workplace romances always are quickly sniffed out). And she deprived the boyfriend of his summer to shine which would help his career at least as well as her sudden decision to go to the city may have helped her.

She's a liar if she doesn''t disclose her cheating to fiance and he is a fool for putting up with her inexplicable decision.

And again, this really isn't a story, it's just her monologues that are irritating and not at all interesting. No more of your stories for me unless you start writing much better stories. 1Star

What a load of bullshit. Utter drival

One of the most disgusting writings of an already pathy writer!!

Never again will my fingers open any other story written by this cartoon! I have no clue what ails his mental state! But its absolutely awful …and I have no desire to be caught in another verbal dioareah written by diseased liver! Good riddance I say!

You can skip from halfway down page one to the last page and still get the gist of the story.

That's tedium.

I like your writing, but you characters go on too long with their soliloquies.

Please rewrite the ending or a sequel/epilogue to Happy Holloways. Your best story, but lackluster ending.

After reading a few of your works I'm starting to fully understand the type of stories that you create. It's interesting to read about female characters that are as you tagged them confused but work it out and find happiness later on.

That being said I wouldn't expect to end it like this here. To have a lasting relationship, Beth would need to be sheltered all her life. Contrary to everyone else, she needs to make a mistake to learn from it. How many more mistakes she needs to make to find herself worthy of Jim? She tends to rationalize everything so if she wasn't found out this time, I bet she can do and hide it again.

As for the length I say this is too many pages for too little content. There are many stories on this site in which the wife claims to love her partner despite cheating. In shorter stories, it seems like a throwaway sentence which isn't convincing but you went way too far in the opposite direction.

I need to memorize "Choppedliver" and avoid these pitfalls of exposition dump in the future. Yikes.

Good god. How many ways can you find to say the same thing; over, and over and over. This should not have been more than two pages.

I had to give up on this one, sorry. First off, this isn’t 1910 - the whole county vs city dynamic feels so incredibly old fashioned, it was not even near realistic. Next, Jim’s whole career trajectory rides on whether he is a Captain of a county baseball team? What? Again, it is not 1910. Third, the antique sexism exuding from this story, both implicit and explicit, makes this whole story nearly unreadable. And finally this story is so repetitious and excessively wordy that even if it were a contemporary story it would be virtually unreadable. I suggest you employ the services of a good, story-fixing editor - there’s a lot of good raw material here but it needs the attention of a brutal, dispassionate red pen!

Terrible MC...as usual

sorry, but once I saw how long it was I didn't even bother to read. I know from your past works that it really should be a 2 pager so I think I will wait out and let the comments build and help me decide if I try at a later date,

Dump her she's nothing but a worthless slut and whore

A two-page story carried on far too long. Which tells me a lot about the writer, and it aint good.

The story equals your moniker.

This was not enjoyable. The story could have been shorter. Also I did not enjoy the characters.

This author sure does come up with some of the wackiest females on Lit 😎! As well as some of the most malleable “leading men” to be abused by them. And he sure does take the “scenic route” to tell their stories 🤗

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This would have been a much better story if Jim had gotten his own separate “experience” with the dtiz was getting hers with Marcus. At least then when he takes the ditz back, there would be a sense of “balance”.

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Barely 3 ***

Awful long winded cheating slut story. She planned if all along. She wanted a new dick and she got rewarded for her behavior.

when you write a story write it and drop off all the bullshit in between. You use use a page to tell a line. Stuffing up a good story with your constant repeat of what you have already said. It seams as though you have sometimes copied the same sentence over and over similar to a person with a stutter. 1 star.

She is a child trying so hard to be a grown-up. No one is ready at 22 to start life as an adult. We all play at it to one degree or another. Beth had to fail to learn what was most important. Jim is far more mature than Beth. His ability to selflessly love her will allow them to grow up together as a couple. They will be ok. That is all that really matters. Follow this story up 25 years later and let Beth help her daughter avoid the mistakes she made. A good read. A bit longwinded, but heartfelt.

All the best,

Dave

Femdom agitprop endlessly repetitive after a good start. I admire anyone who avoided stopping after only a few pages.

Damn, what a selfish bitch.

Didn't read anything in between 1st page and the last. That poor Jim gets saddled with a cheating slut is very depressing. I feel so very sorry for him, living in ignorance like that.

Voting 1 for this and every single story you post going forward. Rambling, incoherent psychobabble.

Really shouldn't comment, since I didn't read 95% of this story, skimming whole paragraphs and pages at a time. But, that in itself is a comment on it. Reading CL's stories is like watching a hamster on a wheel.

You can delete my comment like you did in your last story but you and Caviagurl should team up to write stories. You both get off on humiliating your male characters and having complete bitches for female characters. Needless to say this story is pathetic.

Hopefully you get too busy to continue writing this garbage.

Started skimming halfway through page 1 and glad I did. Skipped whole pages and never missed a thing. Verbal diarrhea as usual.

You turned a 1500 word story into a rambling repetitive, self gratifying personal literary wank session. Painful to read but i had to finish it. Also a terrible ending. I don’t love btb but I do appreciate some accounting for behaviors. That woman will cheat again and justify it the same way. Poor sucker should be told.

Pointless, boring, and about 6 pages too long.

So after reading all this drivel,, she gets away with being a cheating, narcissistic slut? Negative 5 stars.

The interminable words don’t change the actions. She took the internship and took a lover because she’s selfish and weak. The endless self-regarding words reveal the narcissism that is the heart of her problem. The author invented her, but I’m not sure he understands her. And his own fundamental problem—the endless repetition—he continues blithely to ignore. Even skim reading doesn’t lessen the ennui. As usual, an interesting situation talked to death.

Damn, you need an aggressive editor. This showed promise at the start, but the endless naval gazing, analyzing, and scene-setting wore me out. All through the story, your dialogue lay buried under reams of exposition. There is too much repetition and too much explaining and reexplaining. Trusting your reader means you don't have to explain and reexplain every darned thing. That "trusting" process begins with YOU writing in a clear, unequivocal style that doesn't need to be analyzed, processed, and interpreted. It begins with YOU believing you've said what you need to say, but an editor and/or beta reader reinforces that, thus helping you learn to be confident in your writing.

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The ending had me screaming at you to SAY IT AND BE DONE! Edit Marcus' revelation down to a paragraph, maybe two. Every good writer uses an editor, regardless of where they are publishing. You're a good storyteller, but overwriting bloat is hurting your readability.

Another story I couldn’t read and get thru from this crappy author. Bad Bad Bad

The author thought to be deep and reflective of many turmoils and fears we carry when young and making life long decisions. It came off redundant and long winded.

Sadly, again the same bottom line: a lot of psychobabble trying to justify the cheating of a narcissistic manipulative wife, and an unrealistic idiot husband. Maybe next time this will change.

Moral of this story…….All women cheat and are whores in the making. Act accordingly.

Ya da Ya da Ya da. This is a two page story not a seven pager. You have nice ideas but unfortunately are unable to trim your dialogues down to size. Marcus' come to Jesus moment in the cafe was original, certainly not the usual Lit. fuck buddy experience. 4 stars overall. Great story line, excess verbiage.

Incredibly BORING!!!!! Dragged out far too long for what it was.

Well at last after much angst the truth is finally out.

Beth is a lying cheating secretive cunt.

She will spent the rest of her married life hiding her sordid secret from the man who trusts and adores her. She will now lie to him and herself forever.

But, this secret will eventually destroy her, her conscience will dismember her false wall brick by brick until she loathes herself and of course Jim.

She will destroy her own marriage and her life in time because of her secret and end up alone wondering how it all went wrong.

What a harsh lesson she will learn, such a shame we only have one life and when we fuck it up we fuck it up for good. What a stupid woman.

3/5

So Liver Lips how many comments did you delete on this shit stain??

Normally...I read the entire story, hoping for more. This...I could not wait for it to end. Sorry Chopped, this was aggravating.

Why can’t this so-called author understand that he is NOT writing anything but dribble!!! He loves to take a two to three page story and drag it out to 7 to eight chapters!!! If i could I wound block all of his stories.

I don' t get it. The selfish little bitch jerked her long term boyfriend around, justifying her abandonment of their marriage plans as being something she needed. And one of the things she ended up needing was some strange cock, which apparently she engulfed with a slut's enthusiasm. Then, her lust sated, she realized that strange cock is nice but won't pay the bills or help her take care of the children, so with cheater's remorse she decided to go back to her Sure Thing Stupid Cuck. And I guess were supposed to believe they lived happily ever after. Well, until someone writes the sequel.

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'Cause the whore is going to meet up with Marcus again some day, at a conference or something. And they will have dinner, and reminisce, and of course marriage and mothering is difficult, and the whore will end up spending the night fucking Marcus, for old time's sake. Except this time she will be caught, doesn't matter how. Then the Stupid Cuck figures out that that guy he spotted staring at them in that coffee shop all those years ago is the same guy she was caught fucking at the conference. And then it will All Come Out. So many possibilities after that.

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Hope I get to read that sequel, and that the author focuses on the quality of the story rather than the quantity of the words. Just mindless and obnoxious dithering and pseudo-contemplation. Gobbledygook, look it up.

What a waste of valuable time.

This author seems to feed on repetition and monotonies.

She really fucked over a good man she never deserved.

Great story, but the secret needed to come out.

Great character development!

Dear me, this was awful. After three whole pages, all we have is a silly girl maundering on about a nonsensical decision, and a Lil' Abner type who loves her but doesn't understand her any better than she understands herself. I think you were going for some sort of psychological exploration of a weak character, but for me, it was an epic fail.

Would like to see a part 2 to see how they get along on with their life.

Story is not worth more than a 2 and that just barely.

I forgot how much you ramble on and on and on and on.......

Not worth more than a 2

A good story however about 3 pages too long, too much ramblings over the same point. 3*

Secrets. Beth now has secrets and is misleading Jim about what she "learned." Looks like she's going to get away with her fling. I wonder though: would she feel the same about Jim if he'd had a fling? Would she want those secrets to be kept from her? I seriously doubt it. I think Jim was right: Beth wasn't nearly into Jim as much as Jim was in love with Beth. Ugh... how can I even rate this story?

Repetitive. She doesn’t deserve Jim, never did. Her looks of devotion are meaningless next to her betrayal.

Long. Long stories can be very rewarding if their length is warranted. This story was just long, neither rewarding nor warranted. You made the city v. country point, and then made it 19 more times, and were still making it on the next page.

Well enough written, very poorly plotted and edited. The pages and pages in the apartment after sex, ooof. Went nowhere, and did it with stilted, repetitive, ludicrous dialog.

Write your next story, and then edit it in half. I promise you it will be better.

Lousy read.

I'm a rambling man, 🎶

And I ramble along, 🎶

Long after that sun has gone down, 🎶

I'll be rambling on! 🎶

Yep, this puts "Finish the Damn Story" in a whole different light! 😁

It is obvious this author is a waste of time

The premise was strong but the context was drivel. You’re a very accomplished writer in your own right and as you said in your forward this was a bit different for you and a bit long, you recognized those differences pre-post however you didn’t take that recognition serious enough to wield the scissors and trim this into a blossoming storyline. The story could be great if you would do a rewrite and trim the fat while thickening the gravy. I’m giving it a four regardless.

I skimmed past whole paragraphs to get to the end. Way too verbose.

You have good ideas for stories, and the insights into the mind of the parties is excellent. But you go over the same points too many times, making for a dense, slow, tough read. Read some Todd172 or Lovecraft, some qhml or Renquist. See how they use metaphor and simile to get points across in one sentence.

Nah, I usually enjoy your stories but the ‘martyr’ theme you have running among all your main characters wear a little thin. Modern life is not some Arthurian tale of gallant knights and their love for the fair maiden.

22sr century women are not fair damsels their generally manipulative, motivated by love of money and the best deal going. Sacrificing everything for the love of them is just dumb and simply makes you a ‘simp’

This story, seven pages, I read in Hope bit it was around six pages of a fickle woman who took off to the city leaving the ‘love of her life’ and trying a little strange before going home to marry him.

Six pages of repetedly going over her betrayal and how much she enjoyed the difference before deciding she didn’t want anyone but Jim.

She decided unilaterally to go and fuck The man she loved and their plans,,screw his plans to build his career and in the end she decided, again unilaterally they will now marry and have the life they dreamed of. Jim gets the benefit of getting back a cheater who betrayed him because she couldn’t manage without him. She could have went home to him at any point.

Their life’s now built on a lie which she’ll spend her life hoping doesn’t come out. She’ll have to guard against ever getting drunk or calling him by the wrong name otherwise justice ms life and hers (hers being the one she’s more bothered about in my opinion) and if they have kids before it comes out poor old Jim’s fucked again (for at least 18 years)

Usual excessive dialogue but most unsatisfying of your stories I’ve ever read. Wish I’d skipped it and just read one of the many other cuck takes.

Wonder why it’s on loving wives though as they weren’t married but suppose him now marrying a cheating skank makes it fit in.

What all llooonngg waste of time for you and us.

Gave it a one. To much bullshit. And she is a typical woman. All women think with their cunts.

Sorry, but that was really bad. I couldn't even get past the first page. Even with reading just that much, the amount of times the writer repeated themself was ridiculous. Neither of the main characters came off as realistic and certainly not sympathetic. Instead, they were both pathetic. I'm guessing the writer is from a big city and has no actual clue how small town folks actually act.

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As for the story line, the biggest problem is that there is no wife despite it being posted in Loving Wives. I mean, it's so simple, it's even right there in the category name... Sadly, the story was so poorly written that I didn't actually get very far so I can't tell you how badly written the rest is.

On and on and on.

She decided to leave for the city so he broke up with her and married Susie living happily ever after.

Flat ending. Repetitive dialogue.

Don't need a cunt like that, to many women out there who will give you what you want for free or a little cash upfront. Don't need some bitch just to make my life miserable. quite happy on my own.

How can so little be said with so many words? I made a superhuman effort to get to the end, hoping to find some interest at the end, but alas in vain! 2*