The Journal of a Connecticut Yankee Ch. 01

"Anything else handsome?" She asked with a sultry smile and a completely shameless emphasis on the 'Anything' part.

"No thanks." I said hefting the mug in salute. She let out a small pout as she turned to help the other patrons arriving at the bar.

"What's a sexy guy like you doing in a crappy place like this?" Said a voice as someone slid into the stool next to me. Looking over I saw it was a Cheshire grinning widely at me. She had a cute face framed in wavy black hair with purple streaks in it.

Another hot chick...yay...

"Does that line actually work?" I asked. I'd heard variations of the same line uttered by dozens of drunken frat boys to co-eds during my first year in college. All were met with disdain and laughter. I was really curious if things were different here when it came to cheesy pick ups.

"Errrr....no?" She said/ asked as her grin faltered.

"Thought so," I mumbled as I turned back to my drink.

"Aww come on you could at least play along!"

"Alright," I replied turning back to her, "Well ya see I got the all day Park Hopper ticket but my favorite ride, Thunder Mountain, broke down. You know how that goes, so here I am drinking away my sorrows in hopes that maybe Micky, Minnie or even god damn Goofy will stroll through that door and cheer my depressed ass up." I said.

Now I really do remember that I'm living in dungeons and dragons land and keep how I speak to an understandable level for the locals; but sometimes when I'm pissed or just don't give a fuck, I'll spout out some shit that's really only understandable if you're from my neck of the woods. Usually when I say this kind of stuff to a Mamono they get a really confused look on their face and go somewhere else. Not this one though, as soon as she heard me say that her grin somehow got even wider and replied,

"That's hot."

Placing her paw on my shoulder she popped out of existence, leaving me alone with my beer. Huh, guess I'm immune to Wonderland magic too I thought to myself as I waited for the inevitable return of Miss Kitty. Turning back and taking another swig I was rewarded by a pop of air next to me.

"Uh, why didn't you come with me?" She asked bewildered.

"You know, performance problems can be a sign of something more serious. I'd go see a doctor as soon as you can." I said patting her shoulder condescendingly.

"Don't say that out loud!" She paled as she looked around to see if anyone had overheard me. Heh...performance problems...

She tried teleporting me several times after, each ending the same way, with me still seated at the bar. By that time, we had a few stares our way, but I didn't care. It was actually kinda fun pissing off a species that had a rep for pissing off everyone else.

"Why won't you teleport!!!!" She cried, tears in her eyes as she grabbed my arm and shook it violently. It seemed like she was having a mental breakdown over the fact that things weren't going her way. We... well she, was really making a scene at that point. I actually felt kinda sorry for her...performance problems so I said,

"Calm down Mittens, magic doesn't work on me."

"Magic works on everyone." She sobbed still grabbing my arm.

"Not me," I said as I finished my drink and stood.

"Yo barkeep, a round for Puss n Boots here, before she really loses it." I said to the Manticore as I left some more coins on the counter and walked out.

Never let it be said that I wasn't a humanitarian... or mamonoitarian... or whatever, I give to charity ok?

As I walked back to my room, she popped next to me.

"Where we going?" She asked breath puffing in the cold night air.

"WE are not going anywhere, I'm going back to my room to get some sleep. YOU are going back to wherever you came from." I said wearily.

"That's no fun, you're as crazy as I am! We should be having fun together!," She pouted as she grabbed my arm. I sighed as I shrugged out of her grasp.

"Look, I'm not looking for a long-term, short-term, one night stand or anything else you have in mind. Thanks but no thanks, have a good night and no we can't be friends on Facebook." I said as I left her.

"Come on, you're the first Human I've ever met that's actually understandable, can't we just spend some time together?"

I had to pause at that. Did she really understand what the hell I was saying? No... no chance. I'm pretty sure someone back home would see her ass or someone like her popping around the most magical place on Earth, right? Especially wearing a come fuck me style Wonderland outfit like what she was wearing right now, some parent - ahem mommy, would for sure complain. Nah, she was just trying to mess with my head- a little payback for embarrassing the shit out of her back in the bar.

"Sorry, Fluffy, I'm not on the market right now." I said as I continued on.

"My names Romie, not Fluffy!" She called to me, still standing where I left her.

"Don't care," I called back trudging through the snow. Probably just leveled up my asshole stat- always a plus.

*************************************************

Back at my room, I laid in bed trying to think about nothing. It was a little hard considering the possible future of this world rested on my shoulders, yeah no pressure or anything. A soft pop of air in the room signaled an arrival of someone. Grabbing Winona from under my pillow I sat up and leveled her at the intruder. Romie...

Jesus, why do these girls think it's ok to just teleport into someone's room unannounced?

"You do know I could have killed you right now, don't you?" I sighed as I raised Winona's muzzle to the ceiling.

"But you didn't." She replied with a smile.

God help me, that kinda made sense. Maybe I am just as wacky as them Wonderlanders.

"Hey what's that?" She asked pointing over to my Christmas tree.

"That's for a fat guy to leave me presents, now get out." I told her.

"Reeeeaaaaalllly?" She asked turning to me, her grin expanding impossibly large.

"Look, Ruffie? Rufie? Romie? I have a long day tomorrow and some important shit to do, so I really need my sleep. Could you please leave?"

"Noooo," She pouted,

"I wanna stay, let me sleep with you!" She said as she jumped into bed next to me.

"You're not leaving until I say yes, huh?" I sighed.

"Yep!" She said with the smugness of only a Cheshire could.

"3 Conditions!" I said glaring at her.

"Done!"

"God damn it, you haven't even heard them yet!"

"Oh, umm undone?" She said smiling as she shrugged her shoulders.

"You really need to work on that..." I said slapping my hand over my face.

"Anyway, Condition 1- no rape, no sex, no molesting, no fingers in a bowl of warm water, you will be a perfect gentle...lady...cat...whatever. Condition 2- you stay on your side and don't hog the covers. Condition 3- come morning you pop out and never tell another person about this... EVER.... agreed?" I said fixing her with my best stony glare.

"Sure!" She said with suspicious enthusiasm.

Laying back down in bed I turned my back to the furry intruder. I internally sighed as I closed my eyes and tried to drift off to sleep... I had a bad feeling about this.

**************************************************

December 21st

My watch alarm woke me along with the feeling of something warm, soft and cuddly attached to my side. Looking down, Romie was clutching to me in her sleep, I could see there was a slight amount of drool from her that was wetting my t-shirt as well... eww... I really hoped she had her shots.

Reaching over, I silenced the alarm. So much for Condition 2 and 3, I sighed. Reaching down I did a quick self-check of the boys, they seemed ok so at least she abided by Condition 1.

Deciding to poke her cheek to wake her up, I whispered,

"Hey... time to get up Sunshine, I gotta go to work."

"Mmm five more minutes." She mumbled as she hugged me tighter.

I wanted to tell myself that this wasn't nice. That there wasn't some part of me deep down that wanted to hug her back and enjoy some kind of sleepy companionship in a nice warm bed with a cute girl, even if it was just for a little while. I swallowed hard, couldn't exactly allow myself such luxuries. There was shit to do.

Pulling myself out of her embrace I proceeded to get dressed. Turning back towards the bed I saw that she had vanished and there was a small folded note where she had once been laying.

Opening it, I struggled to read the words. I had a basic understanding of the alphabet here but it was much more difficult then anything from any language back home. To be honest, I was close to being borderline illiterate. After a while I was able to piece together what she wrote. It read:

Thank you for a magical night, you were amazing,

Love Romie 💋

At the end there was a kiss mark from her pressing her lips on the paper. Huh, didn't know they had lipstick here?

Suddenly, the mark itself flew up and kissed me on the cheek. I instinctively slapped it. Looking over to a mirror I found there was nothing there. Peering back to the paper, the mark was still there... some stupid Wonderland magic I guessed.

*********************

It was mid morning as the conference began. The Order delegates arrived first. Inquisitior Fredrickson and his two companions. The first one appeared to be a Paladin as he had on armor covered with so many holy symbols he could have just been mistaken for a NASCAR driver. He also had a look that just screamed dick that matched his personality as he sneered at me during introductions. Classy... real classy...dick.

The other was a Lucy Lawless look-alike cept on roids. Old Xena, appeared to have quite a bit of city miles on her, but I was sure she could kick my ass, so I made certain to be polite to the Warrior Princess.

The Mamono delegates arrived soon after. Katrina I already knew, followed by some kung fu panda chick, then... soooonnnnn of a bitch.... look what the cat dragged in... Romie .. I guess Puss n Boots was more than what she seemed. That's what I get for taking strays home.

Romie saw me glaring at her and waved with a smile. I glared even harder in hopes my pyrotechnic powers would somehow set her on fire. Damn still no luck on that.

"A friend of yours?" Inquisitior Fredrickson asked. I knew what the asshole was trying to get at.

"Nah, just someone I met at the bar last night. Gave her the disappointment of her life," I said truthfully.

That seemed to appease him as we all sat down for the shindig.

**************************

2 hours later...

I sighed as the roar of voices arguing reached an almost deafening level. I had to do something fast before shit got even more out of hand. Faced with extremely limited options, I did what any normal, sane person would do... I pulled out my gun.

Aiming at the ceiling, I pulled the trigger and let Winona voice her extreme displeasure at all the bullshit going on. The loud explosion of gunpowder overwhelmed all other voices as the room became dead silent.

"You dare betray your oath of no magic?" Bellowed Fredrickson, glaring at me from across the table.

"First of all I didn't betray shit, you promised each other no magic. My happy ass wasn't involved in that little agreement. Second of all, it wasn't magic, it was science - this is something called a gun and it makes me a hell of a lot more dangerous to piss off than anyone else in this room." I said glaring at everyone as I holstered my girl.

"Now that I have your attention, as mediator it is my responsibility to tell you all that you're acting like a bunch of brats! These are negotiations and compromises for peace you don't get everything you want and neither does the other guy...gal. At the end you'll probably leave feeling like you got nothing and you know what? The other persons probably feeling the same. This is a process for us all to sit down, hammer out something we can all grudgingly agree on and maybe give peace a shot." I finished as I looked at everyone in the room. The teach from my Public Speaking class would have been proud if he could only see me now. The bastard gave me an undeserved C minus by the way.

"We will not bargain with rutting animals!" Cried Sir Dicksalot suddenly as he slammed his fist on the table. Xena, Warrior Princess voiced her 2 cents as well saying something about abominations of nature or some crap.

Katrina countered that by propositioning her.... aaaaaand shit kinda went back down hill again after that. Everyone left soon after, leaving me alone in the hall. I suppose they didn't believe me about my gun threats, to be honest I wouldn't have either. A guy with a six-shooter in a land of swords and magic, what a joke...

I sighed wondering if this was truly the end before the beginning could even take place. I'm just some stupid college kid trying play diplomat, did I really think I had a snowball's chance in hell to pull this off? I had to try though, telling myself that while fighting back the darkness of depression. Sighing again, I decided to treat myself.

I looked to see if anyone was still around. It seemed that I was alone, so I took out from my bag two of my most precious items left from home- my phone and earbuds. I checked the battery: 32% - good enough for a couple of songs. Sooner or later I'd have to try to hit up a Raiju for a recharge. Popping the ear buds in, and hitting the shuffle button I let the comforting, familiar music blanket over me. It had been a long day and a taste from home was badly needed. Sighing, I stared up at the hole in the ceiling that Winona made. There was a plan B. It was something I was working on during the long trip here. A long shot for sure but maybe it was so off the wall that they would all agree. I closed my eyes to visions of handshakes and champagne corks popping in my head.

********************

Later I went to go see Inquisitior Fredrickson. Sure he was a pompous Order prick but out of all of them, he seemed the most reasonable. He was skeptical about returning to the table after today's disaster, but I told him I had something myself to bring that might work for all parties. He wanted to know what it was but I told him I wanted all parties to hear it. Fredrickson grudgingly agreed to attend tomorrow and would do his best to bring Xena and Dicksalot. I genuinely thanked him, after all it was a second chance that was badly needed to try to make this Hail Mary happen.

Before taking my leave, Fredrickson asked me about Winona. The idea of the Order or anyone on this little slice of Heaven of a world armed with guns made my stomach sink. So I lied and said the materials to make such a thing were only available from my world. He seemed disappointed at the news, as I knew he would be. Sorry guy, but arming anyone with tools that could be used for mass murder wasn't exactly on my agenda.

***************************

I knocked on Katrina's door. 10 to 1 odds this would immediately get taken out of context but I guess that's why they pay me the big bucks. She opened it and immediately smiled as she saw me.

"Well this is certainly a welcomed surprise," She said as she seductively hung from the side of the door,

"Why don't you come in." She opened it wider to reveal she was wearing a skimpy white lace negligée.

Fuck, this is why I never went to Vegas, too many bad odds... and prostitutes. Why the hell did it also feel like I just walked into a hard-core porn vid by the way?

"Hey, I'm just here on business, ok?" I said entering. The room was dim, light only by a few candles here in there, mostly around the bed. I swore I heard Patrick Stewarts voice bellow "Red Alert!" along with alarms from the Enterprise going off in my head.

When I turned around to face her, I got a close encounter of the horny kind by her literally jumping on me. We collapsed to the floor in a heap, her on top and me on the bottom, locking hands with her as I tried to wrestle for some personal space. At least I was able to defend myself at that point, if good ol' Captain Picard hadn't warned me, things probably would have gone south...er.

"You have no idea how long I waited for this!" She exclaimed huskily, her spade tail swinging back and forth behind her excitedly.

"I just wanna talk!"

"That's what they all say!"

I had to do something, I might be immune to her charm magic but she was still stronger than me. I felt her slowly overpowering me despite the adrenaline pumping through my veins. Hunching up my knees, I rocked backwards and was able to throw her over.

Scrambling my awkward ass up, I saw that Katrina simply somersaulted and made a perfect 10 point landing. Nothing like being rapey and going for the gold at the same time. We faced each other again eye to eye as I tried one more time,

"Look, I need to talk to you, calm the fuck down and stop with this shit."

"Oh I think the fun is just getting started, what do you think Romie?" She asked staring at the bed.

What the fuck?

Romie appeared suddenly, lounging on the mattress, watching us with the same intent as how I used to when I watched Wrestlemania.

"I think we should hear what he has to say, I'm curious." She said tracing her finger along the sheets while staring at me with an odd expression.

"Well I'm curious as to how his cock will feel in me, we'll listen to what he has to say later." She said, getting ready to spring at me for the second time. We looked at each other, her hands were making a creepy grabbing motion that promised trouble.

"You will not touch him again."

We both looked back over at her. She had stood from the bed, her voice was cold, hollow, murderous, and full of power, her eyes glowed red. The ditzy, cute little Cheshire was suddenly replaced by a very dangerous woman. Now I don't normally piss my pants folks, but I'll tell you I came damn close that time. I was waiting for her to go full on Carrie- and I seriously doubted Chief O'Brian was ready to beam me up- when Katrina spoke,

"Of...of course. It will not happen ." She said standing straight and lowering her eyes in compliance.

What the fuck...again.

2 things sprang to mind, first that I probably wasn't going to die and or witness a murder and second; exactly how high up there was Romie? I thought Katrina was in charge of the Mamono brigade, but maybe I was wrong?

"Okay, good! Now what did you wanna say?" She asked in her normal, cheerful voice, suddenly her old self.

"Uh...yeah... " I began eloquently, "I was gonna say before I was so rudely sexually assaulted," I took a moment to glare at Katrina.

"I know things didn't exactly go well today, but I would like a chance for a do over, I have a plan that might just work for everyone involved. What do you say?" I asked switching between Katrina and Romie.

"Tch, why? We're winning. It's estimated that within 5 years the Order will collapse and we will be victorious." Bragged Katrina.

"And we talked about what would happen after, Katrina but obviously you're choosing to ignore my warnings on that. But you're also forgetting a single important fact."

"Oh and what's that?" She said in a mocking tone.

"The Human Spirit. I have the benefit of knowing more Human history than either of you. When we're backed into a corner, we will do some stupid desperate shit and not even care about the consequences. One day you'll be on the cusp on taking that victory lap and some poor, desperate bastard or bastards will unleash something they don't understand or can't control and it will spell doom for this world."

"My, you're handsome and melodramatic. Quite a combination Donnie. Besides, if memory serves, you said you 'didnt give a fuck about this world'. I do hope I used your words correctly." Katrina purred.

"Mock me all you want, it will happen," I said looking to Romie, "This is our chance to avoid so many possibilities where disaster will come crashing down on everyone."