The Journey Ch. 08

I glanced over at him, spitting the sliver of fingernail on the sidewalk. I had to break that habit, it was gross. Trouble was, all my willpower was taken up with trying not to drink.

"She lives out in Fairfax. Too far away from my job and school."

"Uh huh. What's the real reason?"

"You know, you're way too observant for my tastes."

"I can't wait to play poker with you. That thumbnail of yours is gonna make me rich."

I snorted. Then frowned.

"I've been to her apartment once or twice. She's got a bar setup in her living room with a few hundred bucks of really fancy booze. I couldn't ask her to throw that out, and I know for damn sure I couldn't live there with all that stuff just sitting around. I wouldn't stay sober through the first weekend. Someday maybe. But not now."

"It's good that you recognize that."

"Yeah." I sighed.

"Okay, now tell me what's really bothering you?"

I glanced sharply over at him again, then down at the sidewalk.

"Connie is... She's a really good friend. I really like her. But literally every single time I've hung out with her, we've been out drinking. I don't know... I'm not sure how I can hang out with her now. What we'd have in common anymore."

"Let me tell you a story Viv," Jack said. He finished his coffee and dropped the cup into a trash can on the corner. "A while ago I was in a band."

"That's like the least surprising thing you've ever told me about yourself."

He grinned. "I wasn't actually in the band. I was the band's sound guy. Went to all the shows to set up and tear down, ran the sound board during the show, that sort of thing. The musicians were some of my best friends, known most of them since high school. Then I started having trouble with booze. I started A.A., and I'd do okay, until the next time I did a show, and then I'd relapse. Every show was at a bar or a music festival, and there was always beer to be had. I'd think 'well, it's hot, I'm thirsty, I could have just one.' And then I'd have six or seven. And by the time the show was over, I'd be lit, and end up going out afterwards and drinking all night."

We stopped outside the diner where we usually ate breakfast after Saturday morning meetings. I was rapt. Jack was really good at spinning a tale.

"So, I made the toughest decision I'd ever made. I told them I couldn't be their sound guy anymore. It was really hard for me to give that up. Being part of their shows was maybe the thing I enjoyed most in my life back then. But I had to make a choice." He held up both his hands, pantomiming weighing something in each one. "The rock-and-roll life with my friends, or sobriety." He opened his left hand and dropped his imaginary handful to the sidewalk. "I chose sobriety. And it let me straighten myself out. Gave me the time and space to start my business." Jack's company installed high-end audio/video equipment in homes and businesses all over the DMV.

"You're saying I can't be friends with Connie anymore?"

"Not what I'm saying at all. My point is, those guys are still some of my best friends. Hell, I'm going to play basketball with Steve and Larry this afternoon. Our wives hang out together all the time. But I had to find a different context to be their friend."

"Hmm." I pondered that for a minute.

"Two spots at the counter, let's grab 'em before someone else does," Jack said, pulling open the glass door into the diner.

"So, you can't go to rock shows anymore?" I said as we sat down. Neither of us needed to look at the menu. I ordered two eggs over-easy, and hash browns with jalapeños. A little heavy for me, but I considered it a treat for making it through another week sober.

"Oh, I can now. Took me a few years, but I go watch them play all the time. Well, whenever they play. They've slowed down a lot over the years. Now I drink a lot of Cokes instead of beer." He winked at me.

"Are you back to being their sound guy again?"

"Nah. When I left, they found a kid who's a whiz at that shit. She takes good care of them."

"You aren't jealous of her?"

He grinned. "So jealous that I ended up hiring her to work as an installer for me. She's one of my best employees."

"There you go, making lemonade outta lemons."

"That's kinda the point of A.A., now isn't it? Trying to make something out of the shit pile your life became because of booze. I don't get to be a part of my friends' shows anymore, but I make good money doing something I love something I'm good at. And I've gotten to give good jobs to a dozen hard-working people who I respect, so they can provide for themselves and their families. I've built myself a second group of friends, a second family."

"Huh. Sounds like a really good outcome for you."

"It is." He sipped the fresh cup of coffee our waitress had set down in front of him. "A-h-h-h, so much better than A.A. coffee," he intoned.

"You can say that two times," I agreed.

I wonder if I'll ever find a calling like Jack has? I thought. I hoped so. I felt like I needed to find something, some purpose, to make sober life livable for me.

A few days later I was sitting in the back of a classroom again. This time, however, I didn't have my laptop, didn't need to take notes. For once I could just sit back and enjoy the lecture, for reasons other than academics.

It was a thrill for me to watch Jane lead a class again. Today she was discussing an essay by James Baldwin. I'd read a book of his essays when I'd taken her class at NOVA and really enjoyed it. Probably more than any of the other assigned readings.

She was dressed in one of the many versions of what I called her professor uniform, neatly pressed jeans and a cream-colored sports coat. Her head wrap was covered in printed sunflowers, matching the yellow of her blouse. My mind wandered, letting her voice wash over me.

I was driving nights on Metro again, and my classes were all Monday-Wednesday-Friday mornings and afternoons, so we'd made plans to have lunch on a day when I didn't have class. Jane had said she had something for us to do together, but she had a late morning class to teach first, so I'd agreed to meet her on campus at Howard. I'd shown up early, taking a seat in the back of the room halfway through her lecture. Her ever-present grin grew wider as she saw me sit down in the back row, but she didn't miss a beat.

At the end of class, I watched students line up to ask her questions about their assignments, then after Jane had taken care of all of them, I made my way down the risers to the podium where she'd been lecturing. I felt a sense of profound déjà vu, remembering all the times she'd given me a ride home.

"Hey, how's it going?" she asked me brightly as the last student left.

"Not bad, teach, not bad. I enjoyed seeing you in action again."

"Did you? You didn't chime in during the discussion."

"Sorry, didn't do the reading this week."

She grinned at me as she stuffed her laptop into her shoulder bag. "Class participation is fifteen percent of your grade, Miss Esparza."

"I'll make it up next week," I said as we headed up the steps together.

"What's our plan today?" I asked, as we walked through the Howard campus. I was happy to take our time, cold as it was. There was something different about being on a real college campus, as opposed to the community college. I wished I could have experienced it when I was what most people thought of as 'college age'.

"Lunch first, then I got us appointments at my pedicure place."

"A pedicure? How pricey are we talking?" I asked, trying to remember how much money I had left in my checking account.

"Don't worry about it, I have a two-for-one Groupon."

"Okay. Where're we eating then?"

"Alero's? I could go for some Mexican."

"That's Tex-Mex, but sure. Sounds good."

She slipped her hand into mine, our fingers lacing together and the day suddenly felt a few degrees warmer, the sky a few shades bluer.

"That's right, Tex-Mex, not Mexican. You know, I've been wanting to go back to El Escondite since you took me there, it was so good. Want to drive out?"

"Someday, but not today. I don't want to miss out on the pedicures, I've never had one."

"Seriously?"

"I can't even remember the last time I had nail polish on my toes."

"If I'd known that, I'd have painted them for you."

"That sounds like all kinds of fun." I said playfully, tugging her closer by the hand so our arms touched as we walked.

Today felt different. I couldn't put my finger on why. Our 'dates' so far had been mostly been just getting comfortable being around each other again, Jane spending lots of time asking me questions about my progress with A.A. Today seemed a little more like the 'us' we were before my meltdown. Like Jane had taken some unseen step back towards me.

"I liked that essay you talked about today. I don't think I read that one when I was in your class."

"I've been tinkering with my syllabus a bit. The last couple semesters my class discussions don't seem to have been as lively as I like."

"Since you came to Howard?"

"I know, right? You'd think I'd have better class discussions here than I would at NOVA."

"I don't think that at all."

"What? Why?" She seemed surprised.

I chose my words carefully. "Well, for one, you might be assuming that the students at NOVA aren't as smart as the ones here." I said, waving my hand at the buildings around us. "Personally, I think some of the people I've been in classes with there are as smart as anyone I've met. They just didn't have the chance to go to college right out of high school, or they can't afford to go to a prestigious college like this one."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you weren't—"

"It's fine," I said, waving away her apology. "I thought that too, when I started there. I actually think your main problem is..." I trailed off, unsure of how she would react.

"What? Tell me."

"I mean, I was the only person in your classroom today who wasn't black. I know Howard isn't a hundred percent African-American, but it's close. And your class is a hundred percent black. I heard a bunch of different opinions in there today, but everyone has at least a common frame of reference for the subject matter, growing up as a person of color in America. You need some Cindys to stir the pot if you want to have discussions like we used to have when I was in your class," I said, remembering the girl in the class who'd brought some distinctly different opinions than those I'd heard from her students today.

Jane jerked to a stop, almost pulling me off balance.

"What?" I asked, looking back at her, bewildered.

"It took me almost two semesters before I realized that was my problem. I've been re-working my syllabus ever since to figure out where I can bring in guest speakers from different backgrounds to add to the discussion."

"Oh, cool, so you already—"

"You figured that out sitting in on one class. The last half of one class!"

I couldn't tell if she was upset, or... "I mean it's no big deal. I have an outside perspective you don't, and—"

"God, I love how your mind works!" she exclaimed.

She grabbed me by my jacket and before I knew what was happening, she was kissing me.

My mind spun in circles. She's kissing me. We're supposed to be taking it slow, but... God I've missed this...

My hands encircled her body, caressing the small of her back as I held her to me.

After an interminable time, we came up for air. I didn't let go.

"That was unexpected," I said. My voice was soft and low.

"I'm sorry," she said, with a bashful look.

"Don't you dare apologize."

We looked at each other for a long moment, then I tentatively leaned down and kissed her again.

"Mmmmm," she hummed into my mouth. "I've been looking forward to that."

"Me too," I said, caressing her cheek.

"So why haven't you kissed me yet?"

"You're kidding, right? I'm letting you set the pace. I figure I have to earn back the right to make a move."

"I know. And I really appreciate how patient you've been."

"Good."

"But I'm telling you now, it's okay."

"What?"

"It's okay for you to make a move. I want you back. I want us back."

"Because you love the way my mind works?"

"Because I love you. I never stopped loving you, Viv. I just needed to see that you were serious about dealing with your addiction. And to trust you'd be honest with me. I can see you're working so hard on it."

The lump in my throat threatened to stop my breathing.

"God, Jane. I'm so sorry I blew it before."

"Shut up and kiss me again."

So, I did.

It turned out, neither of us were particularly wedded to the idea of a pedicure. Or eating food, for that matter. Instead we found ourselves in her bedroom, looking at each other across the expanse of her bed, as the late winter sun streaming in the window made her tawny curls almost glow. In unison, we both put a knee up on opposite sides of the bed, crawled towards each other and fell into an embrace, still fully clothed.

I rolled my body on top of hers, and kissed her. In the past, before I'd met Jane, kissing was something I did hard and fast, a stop on the way to the main event. With Jane, kissing was a thing all by itself. She made the same soft sound of pleasure in the back of her throat that she'd made the first time we'd kissed, and my heart skipped a beat.

Regardless of her earlier invitation to make a move, I was content to simply make out. I have no idea how much time passed, but at one point, when I was lightly kissing her neck, she wiggled half out from under me, and I felt her reach down, unbutton and pull open her jeans. Her hand found mine, and after our fingers briefly intertwined, she slid my hand down the front of her pants and into her underwear.

I couldn't believe how wet she was already. The heat from between her legs threatened to roast my hand. I didn't bother being subtle or taking it slow now. Two of my fingers slipped easily into her. She gasped, her eyes rolling up into her head. I slid my free hand underneath her back, cradling the back of her head as I awkwardly stroked in and out of her as best I could with my hand confined by her jeans. She moaned, then began struggling to push her pants down. I removed my hand long enough to help her. Between the two of us, we managed to get them off one leg, and that was enough. She grabbed my hand and dragged it back to her and my fingers plunged into her with a wet sound.

"God, yes Viv!" she moaned, then her lips locked onto mine again. I wiggled my hand around so I could get my thumb on her clit. A few quick rubs sent her right over the edge, faster than I think I ever made her cum before.

She pressed her forehead against mine as she climaxed, her voice sinking into her characteristic orgasmic whisper. "Yes, yes, yes, God yes, baby!"

I kissed her tenderly on the cheek as she quivered in my arms. After a long time, her eyes opened and I fell into those lovely hazel orbs.

"I'm so happy right now, I can't even begin to tell you," I said.

"Me too." She smiled up at me, her chests heaving. "Things between us are a little uneven at the moment, though. Let's fix that." She sprang up to her knees and started tugging at my pants. I giggled, lifting my butt so she could pull them down my legs. I started to sit up, but she put her hand on my chest, pushing me down onto my back. She lowered herself to the bed and nuzzled me with her lips through the cotton of my underwear, her eyes never leaving mine. I ran my hands through the bush of her hair as her tongue pressed the thin fabric in between my lips.

"I've missed your smell," she panted, as she grabbed the hips of my boy shorts with both hands and pulled, leaving me in just my t-shirt. She laid back down between my legs and ran her fingers through the thatch of curly hair above my pussy. "I haven't seen you when you haven't shaved before."

"I hadn't thought we'd get to this point so soon," I said, spreading my legs wide. "Want me to go take care of it?"

"Later. I'll have to do a test as a control first," she said, and then licked me.

I gasped and giggled at the same time. "You are such a dork. I love that about you."

She looked up at me with a grin as she wiggled a finger inside me. Then she went to work and very quickly all thoughts fled from my brain. Her tongue lavished attention on my clit. For once, I didn't ask permission, I simply pulled her head wrap off, freeing the tower of curls atop her head, which promptly flopped down over her forehead, obscuring my view.

Couldn't have that.

I grabbed a double fistful of her hair, holding it tightly so I could see her face. She hummed in appreciation and I felt the vibrations in her tongue.

"God, I always thought the guys at work were idiots talking about getting a hummer, but it feels really nice when you do that."

She giggled, then started humming a tune that sounded familiar, but I couldn't place. Didn't matter, as maybe thirty seconds later I started to come.

"Oh fuck, Jane, yes!" My legs shook as I tried not to crush her head with my thighs.

What seemed like eons, but was probably an hour later, I was leaning back against Jane's upholstered headboard, the sheet pulled loosely over my torso. Jane lay crossways across the foot of the bed, gloriously naked except for having replaced her head wrap to keep her hair out of her face. She was curled around my feet, painstakingly applying a light purple nail polish to my toenails.

"I can't believe you actually wanted to do this," I said after I let out a particularly happy sigh.

"I promised you a pedicure and I didn't want to disappoint you. We'll still have to go get a real one sometime, though. It's a lot more indulgent than just getting your nails painted."

"I can't imagine it would be any better than having you pamper me."

She grinned up at me. "You did plenty to earn it, I lost track of how many times I came. I'm a little surprised at your color choice, though. I'd have thought you'd be a fire-engine-red girl."

"This is the color your toes were painted the first night you cooked dinner for me."

She looked up again in surprise.

"What?" I asked.

"It's amazing to me the things you remember about us."

"You're the most memorable woman I've ever been with." I paused while she put a second coat on my pinkie toe, then said "I... I really hope I don't let you down. Again, that is."

Her face turned serious. "Baby, why would you say that? Right now, especially?"

"Just because. Drinking is something that I think about all the time. I've gotten really afraid of it, I worry constantly about falling off the wagon. After today, I have even more to lose."

She smiled, then her face took on a more serious look. "Viv, I don't expect you to be perfect. To never mess up. I mean, I'm not saying if something happens and you drink I don't care. I'm saying, I know it's hard. I just want you to be honest with me. Tell me if you need help. If you need to talk, either with me or with your sponsor, or need me to take you to a meeting. Or even if you do mess up and drink, just tell me. Okay? No more hiding from me."

I nodded, not trusting my voice right then.

She squeezed my foot reassuringly.

The next few minutes passed in comfortable silence, then she reached for a bottle of clear coat to put on top of the purple.

"I don't want to rush you, but I have to leave in about an hour to make my shift. I'm on the green line tonight, and it'll take me a bit to get to where I meet my train."

"Okay. I can be done by then, I'll use my hair dryer to speed it up. You really want the clear coat or it won't last."

She started humming to herself as she quickly coated each of my toes.

"What's that song? Is that the same one you were humming, ah... earlier? I couldn't place it."

To my surprise, she flushed beet red.