The Journey Ch. 08

"Viv, it's good to have long term goals, and you're smart to have that in the back of your mind. But it's okay right now to focus on the short term. Getting your life back together, learning to live with your sobriety. Just learning to manage the day to day of living with someone you're in a relationship with. All these things are new to you, and it's okay to work on those immediate goals before you tackle the rest of your life. You have to be patient and understanding with yourself as you go. Life's a marathon, not a sprint."

"Yeah. And I've skipped back to the starting line once or twice."

"You know, you're remarkably self-aware for someone who just started therapy a few months ago."

I laughed bitterly. "I gave myself a pretty big reality check a couple months ago. Flipping a car can do that for you. I don't think I'd have much success fixing my problems if I didn't spend some time looking at the reasons why."

"Is that the only problem you two have had?" she asked, returning to the subject. "Your, um, lack of tidiness?"

"No. We got in a big fight this weekend when I gave her my rent check."

"She got mad that you paid your rent?"

"She doesn't want me to pay rent. Wants me to save up money to get my finances in order. She said since her mortgage is covered by her two tenants, I might as well not pay any rent either." I scratched my nose, then looked down. "We discussed it when I moved in and couldn't really agree on anything, and it just got dropped. So this week I gave her a check for six hundred bucks. It should be more, but that's all I can afford right now. She got confused, then mad, said she wouldn't cash it, and then after I argued with her about it said she'd start a savings account for me with it."

"And how did you react to that?"

"I told her she was patronizing me. That if she didn't cash it and put it in her own checking account, I'd move out. I said she was already doing enough for me, I didn't want to be anyone's personal charity case. That if she didn't let me pay rent, I couldn't see myself staying. Couldn't be okay with that."

"Couples share finances all the time, though."

"Yeah, but see that's the thing, we aren't married. Christ, I never thought I'd be thinking of marrying anyone. Anyway, we've dated for like... what? Six, seven months in total? With a big gap in the middle. She asked me to move in because I had nowhere else to go besides my brother's couch. I guess if I was certain I'd gotten my shit together and we'd made a real commitment to each other, that'd be different. But as things stand... I need to do this. For my own self esteem."

"Do you think she understands that?"

"I dunno. It got kinda heated and then I had to leave for a shift. Didn't really talk about it anymore until the next day. I mean we didn't talk about it at all, really. She just left the ATM deposit slip on the counter for me."

"Do you think you need to talk to her about it more?"

"Maybe. I don't know. I've never been much of a talker about stuff like this. Relationship stuff."

"You seem okay at it to me."

I smiled, for the first time that session. "Because I'm crazy about her. She makes me happier than I've ever been, and I'll go as far out of my comfort zone as I have to not to lose her again."

After my session, I did something I'd been thinking about doing for a couple of weeks. Jane walked to campus most days, and since my therapist was in Springfield, Jane let me take her little SUV to my appointment. I'd go to my session then come back home and do homework until it was time to go drive trains for the evening.

Today, instead, I drove to Annandale. I reached my destination right as they opened at eleven. A short wait, and I was on the road again, the car filled with the tantalizing smells of chorizo and chicken. Once I was back home, I parked the car in Jane's garage then hustled down the street to Howard, trying to avoid letting lunch get cold.

Jane looked up in pleasant surprise when I walked into the tiny office she shared with another professor who, thankfully, wasn't there.

"Hey babe, brought you some lunch. Hope you didn't have plans."

"What a nice surprise! That is so sweet, baby!"

I sat in the chair in front of Jane's desk that she kept for student office hour visits and set the bag on the desk, then pulled two bottles of water from my coat pockets.

"Well, I think it's sweet of you to let me use your car every Tuesday. I couldn't have gotten this without it."

She inhaled deeply through her nose. "Is this... oh my gosh, you didn't. Did you bring me El Escondite?"

I laughed. "Impressive! You've been there one time and you recognize the smell!" El Escondite wasn't anywhere near fancy enough to have anything but plain unmarked to-go containers.

"Stop laughing at me and gimme!" She said, reaching greedily for her food, earning another laugh from me.

We munched on our tacos in companionable silence, broken only occasionally by appreciative noises, from both of us.

"Gracias, mi amor. Eso fue muy bueno," she said, in what I had to admit was an excellent accent. Jane had been working pretty hard on her Spanish since I moved in with her. She was even listening to Duolingo on her phone while she walked to work.

"De nada, mi corazón. We should have lunch together more often. You know, when I don't have homework or sleep to catch up on."

"Agreed! You really made my day."

"I'll try and surprise you more often then."

She looked over at her laptop and pecked a few keys.

"Going over your lecture? When's class?"

"In an hour," she said distractedly.

"Okay, I'll get out of your hair." I could hear the reluctance in my voice.

"Everything okay?" She said, looking up from her computer.

"Yeah, I just... I want to make sure we're okay about the rent thing."

She sat back in her chair and crossed her arms. "I cashed the check. You saw the deposit slip." She didn't sound that happy about it.

"I know, I just... I need you to understand why."

"I don't really get why. I'm living rent free. You're my girlfriend, we live together. Why shouldn't you benefit too?"

"Jane, no offense, but you've had a ton handed to you in your life. You grew up rich. You've never had to worry about tuition assistance or student loans. Your parents bought you a house."

"I know that," she said, with an embarrassed expression, "I just want to share it with you, now that we're together."

"I get it, I get the impulse. But I started waiting tables when I was sixteen to help Abuela pay the rent. I've never had anything handed to me."

"Okay. But... isn't it okay to get some help now?"

"You've helped me so much already, babe, but I'm trying to get on my feet. I need to get all parts of my life in order and I need to do the work to get there. For me, part of that is not taking a handout when I can pay for what I need. I mean listen, I should really be paying you more than six hundred. Your apartment is really nice."

"Our apartment."

I blushed. "Okay, yes, our apartment. And someday, once I feel like things are going the way I want to, we can revisit this. Maybe we can start putting money aside together for something. A vacation, maybe."

"Maybe to Mexico City? To see your mom?"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves," I said uncomfortably. "But until I feel like I really have a solid hold on my life, one of the things I need to do is stand on my own. As much as I can, even while I'm living with you. And for me, that means paying you rent. I hope you can understand. It's really important to me. So what I want, what I need, is for you to take the money and do something with it for yourself. Okay?"

Jane looked at me for a long time. Then she nodded and got up from behind her desk, came around and sat on my lap.

"Okay querida. Haré lo que quieras." She ran her hand through my hair,

tugging it with her fingers. "But you bought me lunch today. Maybe this weekend I can take you out somewhere nice."

"Yeah?" I ran my hand over the curve of her butt.

"Like a fancy date."

"Alright. It's a plan, but I want to go skate shopping too. It's time I replaced the ones you bought me so we can go out again now that the weather's getting nice."

"¡Me gusta lo que oigo, Querida!"

"Te quiero, mi amor."

~~ Fairfax, VA, April ~~

"I can't believe how nice it is today." I had my window down as Jane turned off Route 29 to start winding towards Diego's apartment. I stuck my arm out the window and made an airplane with my hand, letting the wind move it up and down.

"Perfect for skating later," Jane agreed. "Where do you want to go?" Our skates were in the back seat.

"How about we go down to the Mall and check out the cherry blossoms. I hear we're near peak bloom."

"Probably lots of tourists today. Could be crowded."

"Cool, more people to show off my moves. I think I've got that spin you taught me down now." I wiggled my body in the seat in time to the radio, earning a laugh.

"Okay, but you have to let me put you on TikTok this time."

"Fine with me," I happily agreed, as we pulled into Diego's parking lot.

"It was nice of Diego and Virginia to invite us to Saturday brunch," she said as we got out of the car.

"Yeah," I said quietly.

"What's the matter?" We both walked to the back lift-gate.

"Just thinking about how if this was a year ago my go-to thing to bring would have been bringing mimosas or grapefruit Paloma's or something." I pulled open the back of the SUV.

"Well, I'm pretty impressed with your contribution, I must say. You worked really hard on these." She reached into the cargo area to retrieve the foil wrapped plate which contained the pile of cinnamon rolls I'd gotten up early to make. Over the last few days I'd made a couple batches until I was happy with the result. The "test batches" had been sampled liberally.

We held hands as we climbed the steps to the second-floor apartment. Dinner with Diego and Virginia was becoming a somewhat regular occurrence, every couple of weeks. Last time we had them over to our place. This was the first time we'd done brunch though.

I knocked, then pushed open the door.

"Hola, Diego! Donde—" I came to a screeching halt inside the door. "What the f—" I just barely managed not to let the curse word loose as Jane fiercely squeezed my hand in warning. "I wasn't expecting to see you."

"Hola, Vivian," Abuela said.

My grandmother was sitting at the small dining room table crammed into Diego and Virginia's small combo living room/kitchen/dining room space. The table was set for six, which was apparently because of the freakin' priest who was sitting next to Abuela.

The moment Abuela saw Jane a fierce scowl clouded her face.

"Hey sis, uh... surprise!" Diego said from the kitchen, wiping his hands with a towel.

"No kidding." My voice was ice cold.

"Please don't be upset."

"What do you think the chances of that are?" I said tersely. My brain had instantly gone to war with itself. I wanted to turn on my heel and drag Jane out there, but one part of me was not about to let Abuela think for one second that I was ashamed or embarrassed of Jane. Another part of me just didn't want to subject my girlfriend to brunch with my grandmother (who was loudly of the opinion that Jane was leading me down the road to hell) and her priest for crying out loud.

Diego saw the look on my face, strode across the room and pulled me outside.

"What the fuck, Dee?" I hissed as he pulled the door closed behind us.

"Listen, it's been months since you two have even seen each other. It's time you started talking again."

"Whatever man, you think this is the right way to do it? You think it's cool to spring this on me with no warning? With Jane here? And you invited her freakin' priest?"

"Look, I know you aren't going to believe me right now, but you're gonna be glad Father Danny is here."

"That's Father Danny?"

"Yeah, of course. Who did you think it was?"

"I thought you said he was young. He looks older than me."

"Look wise-ass, he's like three years older than you. Compared to Father Esteban, he's a kid."

"Fair point. But dude! I don't appreciate being ambushed like this. You could have at least given me a head's up."

"Sorry. I thought if I did you wouldn't come."

"You're fucking right about that," I growled, looking angrily towards the parking lot and Jane's car. We should get the hell out of here. There's no way this goes well.

"Listen, Abuela knew you were coming. And she knew Jane was coming. She wanted you to come and she promised to behave. Can't you do the same?"

I huffed out an angry sigh and didn't answer him.

"C'mon, Viv. She misses you. I think she wants to find a way for you to be in each other's lives again."

"Fine," I said in a flat voice.

"Besides, we've left Jane in there by herself. Don't you think we should go rescue her?"

"Uh... yeah, good point."

Diego and I came back inside to find Jane had, of course, already taken a seat across from Abuela and Father Danny and started amiably chatting with them. Virginia was pouring her an iced tea.

"...and got my PhD about five years ago. I've been teaching since then, first at NOVA, and now at Howard University," Jane was saying.

"You seem so young to have a doctorate!" Father Danny said.

"Oh, I don't think so," Jane said modestly. "Four years for my undergrad, two for my masters and two for my PhD. That's about the standard amount of time. I'm prouder of having my first book published."

"What is it about?" Father Danny asked as I sat next to Jane. I was watching Abuela who wouldn't meet my eyes.

"How cultural terms of protest are turned against those who fight for change. Like how 'woke' is now used as a pejorative term in the media. Or how the concept of 'critical race theory' has been turned into a bogey-man to fight back against any effort to teach kids about racial injustice or any of the many missteps our country has made."

"Fascinating. I'd love to read that."

"I'd be happy to get you a copy."

My grandmother looked as if she'd rather be anywhere but here.

"¿Vas a decir algo o simplemente te sientas y finges que no estoy aquí con mi novia?" I snapped. Diego shot me a warning glance.

Abuela glared at me, but I thought it was more in embarrassment than anger.

"Lo siento, Vivian. No estoy aquí para... para juzgarte. Estoy aquí para hacer las paces."

"Solo haremos las paces si puedes aceptar que Jane es la mujer que amo." I tried to sound less angry.

She made a harrump sound, and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Can I help in the kitchen?" Jane asked Diego.

"The kitchen is four feet away, Jane, you wouldn't be giving us any privacy. Besides, if she wants to have a conversation, she should switch to English. You're being rude to Diego's guest by sticking to Spanish Abuela."

"Estoy tratando de no avergonzar a tu... No quiero avergonzar a la señorita May."

"Es el Doctor May, Abuela. Ella merece tanto respeto," I snapped.

Jane put her hand on my arm. "Viv, it's okay." She turned to my grandmother. "Solo estaba ofreciéndote darte un poco de privacidad."

Abuela looked shocked and a thrill of pride ran through me. Jane had been working hard on her Spanish, but even I was surprised at how easily she threw out that sentence.

"Let's, uh, let's calm down and eat? What'ya say?" Diego said, as he started bringing plates of food to the table.

Lunch was not quite as awkward as I'd imagined. Not to say it wasn't awkward, just not... insanely awkward. Diego was right, I was glad Father Danny was there. He acted as a buffer between Jane and myself and Abuela, and he seemed totally fascinated with Jane's field of study, which gave her a chance to be her brilliant self. A couple times Abuela didn't understand what Jane was talking about and Jane re-explained it, even using a little Spanish when she could.

Towards the end of the meal, somehow the conversation turned to me, to my time in rehab. Two months of therapy and meetings allowed me not to shy away from the subject, and I shared everything I'd gone through. Stuff Diego and Virginia hadn't heard. When I talked about learning to deal with my sense of abandonment, from losing dad, then mom, the room got deathly quiet when I told them how I thought about drinking every day. How much I still wanted to get drunk, every day. But every day, it got... a little better. Inches at a time. Jane gripped my hand under the table whenever I faltered. I could see Abuela notice how much I leaned on Jane. She might have been a little old working-class Mexican immigrant, but she didn't miss much.

I started to regret opening up about it when Father Danny spoke up.

"Do you feel you're ready to have God remove your flaws? Have you asked him for his help?"

He was referring to step six. I should have known a Catholic priest would know all about A.A. I bristled at the question, but I could see Abuela watching me closely so I managed to restrain myself from exploding at him.

"I'm more of a generic higher power girl when it comes to the twelve steps."

"Yet you were raised in the church. Rosario has told me you and Diego grew up at St. Mary's." He patted Abuela's hand on the table.

"Yeah, well, circumstances have changed for me since confirmation in ways that have put me off the church a bit. Or put the church off me, anyways."

Abuela's lips thinned in disapproval. Diego and Virginia got up and started clearing the table.

"I understand," Father Danny said. "And I understand that things have been... tense between you and your grandmother."

"Yeah. Tense. That's a word."

"Rosario and I have had several conversations about that in recent weeks, haven't we Rosario?"

"Si, nosotras tenemos." Abuela's gaze was penetrating, but somehow seemed... a little less hostile.

"How'd that go?" I asked, skeptically.

Father Danny shrugged. "I'm not here to convince you of the error of your ways, Vivian. Nor to convince Rosario to change her mind about what she believes is right." He smiled at me, disarmingly. "I'm only here to spread the word of Christ's love, and to be a counselor to those who need me. Anyone who needs me."

I snorted in sour amusement. Just the fact that he thought there were errors in my ways told me what he really thought of me. "Yeah, that's not really the attitude that I've been on the receiving end of from the church." Jane squeezed my hand under the table.

Father Danny spread his hands, a gesture of it is what it is. "Father Esteban gave his life to the church. He was a little... old school." He leaned forward conspiratorially. "Between you, me and this table, Father Esteban wasn't a huge fan of the Pope. I don't mean the Pope in general. Just this current Pope in particular. Father Esteban was more of a Benedict priest, less of a Francis priest."

"What's the difference?"

"Well, Pope Francis has spoken quite a bit about LGBTQ issues—"

"Yeah, so did Benedict," I snapped, remembering the many, many times Father Esteban had quoted the former Pope's words about gays.

"Vivian, I wouldn't say the Holy Father, any Holy Father is... wrong. And there are some priests who favor Pope Benedict, and some who favor Pope Francis. But, times change. The world changes. Hundreds of years ago, the church burned witches. No one would think that's okay now. Pope Francis has spoken at length for parents not to condemn or turn away from their children who are gay. The church cannot sanction gay marriage, but the Pope has spoken in support of civil unions. At St. Mary, I welcome all Catholics to services, to the sacrament of confession, to receive communion."