The Mary-Go-Round Pt. 02

"Jason, I want you to live here, temporarily at least. I know the US is your home, but I want you here as much as possible to help Mary. You have already done so much for her, and I don't want to lose the progress she has made. Would you consider it if I made arrangements to take care of everything?"

I told him I needed time to think about it, but I would consider it. At the least, I needed to get a new supply of clothes and restock the other supplies I would need over the next few weeks. I told him I would go home for 5 days, and then return. I also promised I would explain it to Mary before I left. I wanted her to understand I would be returning.

Mary was understanding, and I felt like she believed me when I told her I would be back in 5 days. That made me feel better as I didn't want her to think I was abandoning her because I wasn't.

I got home and dragged my ass into my apartment to take care business. I had a long chat with my parents, who still loved Mary dearly despite of what she had done and told them everything that had gone on. They were shocked and very saddened at the events. I paid my bills and got my laundry, then went to my work and asked for an extended leave of absence. I had used all my vacation and sick days.

Honestly, I didn't care if they approved it or not. I could collect unemployment if they fired me, but they said it was no problem, and they granted me the leave. Once I got everything arranged, I asked everyone I knew to write a letter of encouragement for Mary, and I took them back with me, as she was not allowed internet access.

Mary was happy to see me when I got back, and after I spent an afternoon with her, I gave her the letters I printed out and gave her time to rest. Her father met me outside her room. He had been busy when I was gone. He gave me a phone that worked in Japan, and keys to an apartment nearby. It was fully furnished and paid for, so I didn't have any expenses other than my food, which he said he also had arranged for. He contracted a housekeeper to clean my apartment once a week, and stock my pantry with any food I asked for. He was trying his best to make sure I had plenty of time to spend with Mary.

Mary's physical health improved, and she regained most of the use of her hands, and her concealing sessions showed remarkable improvement. In just a few short months, they started letting Mary go outside of the hospital with either me or her parents for a short period. I was especially happy to see her enjoy the simple things again. Just being outside in the sun was a treat to her, and she would just enjoy sitting outside as we talked.

While her doctor agreed that the immediate threat to her life was past, they still needed to find out the reasons why she acted out like she had. As with most psychology, there was never a clean answer, but her doctor gave her mental tools to use when faced with adversity rather than turning to sex as her release.

Her doctor theorized that it was a coping mechanism, and that Mary had long disguised a feeling of inadequacy and low self-esteem. The sex was compensating for those feelings - like a crutch to prop up her self-esteem. Being wanted makes anyone feel better, even if it's just physical. She said it was difficult to arrive at that diagnosis, because Mary was an expert at hiding her feelings.

She may have expressed those feelings at some point, early in her life, but It was dismissed because she appeared so beautiful to everyone else. Nobody took her admission seriously, but inside she didn't feel beautiful. All the piercings and tattoos had been an effort to make her outside look as ugly as she had felt inside.

One of final steps in her counseling was for her to volunteer at the hospital, helping other patients. The doctor said it was important that she learn to find joy in helping others, and not depend upon things like drugs and alcohol for her happiness. Mary told me she especially liked working with the kids in the children's ward and said she would like to continue there even after her release. Her doctor was especially pleased at that request.

The day came, nearly 6 months after her suicide attempt, that she was going to be released. Her doctor called us all in, and she told us we should all be proud of Mary, as she had come a long way from where she was. Her doctor told us that we didn't have to treat her delicately. She had prepared Mary for the harsh reality of life, and she wanted to demonstrate Mary's newly developed skills to deal with difficult situations.

She flat out asked Mary, in front of all of us, if she would ever consider suicide again. Mary was nervous, but confidently replied that she would not. She said, she has learned how her actions have consequences to others, not just her, and committing suicide is a selfish act. She now worried that the people she loved would suffer if she did something like that again.

Then the doctor asked her, "Who are the people who love you?"

Mary smiled for one of the first times since her hospitalization.

"My mother, my father, you and Jason." she replied.

"And do you believe Jason will be your husband again?" the doctor asked, making me feel very uncomfortable.

"No." Mary replied very definite. "I hope he can become my friend though. I miss having him in my life."

Sensing the tension, the doctor moved on. "What are you going to do if someone makes you feel uncomfortable?".

"I will express my feelings to them, and if they do not respect my feelings, I will try to remove myself from that situation, but most of all, I will talk about it with the people who care about me."

The doctor smiled. "And who are those people again?"

"You, my parents and Jason." Mary replied.

"Mary, you have all the tools you need to live a happy life. It will be difficult at times. Everyone goes through tough days, but you don't have to carry that burden by yourself anymore. You have people who love you who and will pick you up when you are feeling down. Most of all, I want to remind you not to be scared of your feelings. It is normal to feel down sometimes. We are all here for you. You can depend on the people in this room, but you have to allow yourself to trust us." Mary's doctor stood up after the speech, and Mary smiled again.

Mary stood up and hugged the doctor for a long time. Then she whispered something to the doctor, and they parted. Mary's parents took her home, and I was invited to join them. Mary was especially happy to see her children, and I was impressed how much she loved them. I mentally reminded myself not to blame them. Sure, they were the product of Mary's infidelity, but that wasn't their fault. I had forgiven Mary, and I wanted to treat them with nothing but kindness.

I was nervous for several nights after Mary went home. I was scared to get that call. I woke up in a panic sometimes, afraid she had hurt herself again, but that call never came. Mary took baby steps. She started a routine of seeing her therapist three times per week, followed by volunteering at the children's hospital. She was content with that for now, as she continued to get her feet back under herself.

It was at this time I started thinking about my own future. Mary needed me less and less as time went on. Some days, we only spoke by phone, but she always contacted me to see how I was doing, and I always asked how she was doing. I was very pleased when told me for the first time when she had a bad day. I offered to rush over, but she stopped me, saying she just needed to talk about it, and we did exactly that. I had to learn just to listen sometimes, and not try to fix everything for her. For example, there was a doctor in the Children's hospital who was cold to her. Instead of internalizing it, Mary talked about it, and decided that it was ok. Not everyone had to be friendly to her - it is part of life. It didn't mean she was a bad person.

Her father sensed my desire to start moving forward with my life and made me an offer. He knew I would not just accept a position working for him, but he offered to arrange an interview with a business associate of his. He made it clear, I was totally on my own, and he would not interfere in the process, but it was a good job that would keep me in Japan, and in Mary's life. I agreed to go on the interview.

The company made products for a sister company in the US, and they needed someone to become their point of contact for all issues with the US branch. They had tried several Japanese engineers in the position, and it hadn't gone well. Yes, we Americans can be difficult to deal with sometimes.

I instantly liked the guy, as he was one of the rare Japanese people who was both very funny and very happy. I literally believe he can't go five minutes without laughing. His philosophy was when it was time to work, you did the work, but when the work was finished, it was time to enjoy life. The people working for him seemed very happy, and I wanted a boss like that, regardless of what country it was in.

He gave me a tour, pointing out that he didn't have time clocks or attendance sheets. He said he trusts his employees, and all that matters was getting the job done, not spending a certain amount of time at your desk. A forward thinker, and I really liked what I heard.

We sat down in his office and he asked all the usual questions. Then like it was an announcement, he said, "Ok. Interview over. Now is time for chatting. Jason-san, Mary's father told me what you did for her. You are a good person, and I think good people deserve a chance. I can teach you about our business, but I can't teach you to be a good person. I need people like you at my company."

And just like that, I agreed to go to work for him. Everything was different. I was thousands of miles away from "home", but I settled into a routine. Mary was a big part of my life. We talked every day and spent many evenings together. She needed a steady influence in her life, and I provided that. We became much better friends that we had ever been before. It's funny how things change when sex isn't part of the equation. She went out of her way to show me respect. It was a little late, but better late than never.

Things go on, as they tend to do. Slowly, I developed a small circle of friends, and Mary did the same, although she only talked to females. Just an observation by me. Even with our developing social lives, we always connected every day. Even if for just 5 minutes.

I usually skipped the drinking sessions Japanese men are famous for. Never has been my thing, but a few of the guys in my group of friends took me to a baseball game. It was completely different that games in the US. The fans had a real comradery. Each section selected a player to root for, made signs, created choregraphed cheers and generally had a rousing good time.

I fell in love with it, and I became a regular at the baseball games. It was a nice escape from the boredom that can set in when you are an outsider in a foreign country. I very quietly went out with a few girls, but none of them ever really progressed to a relationship. They were nice enough, but just never seemed to have the connection and chemistry I thought a couple should have.

By then it had been over 5 years since Mary had gotten out of the hospital, but she refused every attempt to set her up on a date. Her friends tried, her parents tried, hell even I tried, but she shut it down before it could even start. Finally, her father asked me to try one last time, and I hatched a plan.

I was dating a girl at the time, and I asked her if she had any male friends I could set Mary up with. She produced a cousin who seemed to be a reasonable guy. So, I invited Mary to meet me one night at a restaurant and brought the girl I was dating and her cousin along with me without warning Mary.

Mary came, and I introduced her to them, but she went totally quiet. Barely said a word the entire night. She wasn't rude, but just totally unenthusiastic about the entire time. The next day, the girl I was dating told me her cousin tried calling Mary, but she didn't take his call. I text Mary that I'd like to see her that night, and after work, I went over to her parents' house where she was staying.

We sat in her room and talked. I asked her why she would not talk to the guy.

"Jason, you are the only man who could make me happy again. It is my destiny to die alone, as punishment for my actions. I will never entertain another man in my life, no matter how long I live." she told me.

So, I left it alone, and we went on with our lives. I'm nowhere near smart enough to council her on that issue. It wasn't really my place either. If her father hadn't asked me, I would not have gotten involved. It was incredibly awkward setting up a date for your wife, but we were just friends, so I did it at his request. I briefly thought about going ahead and getting the paperwork done to officially divorce us, but decided in the end it was just paperwork, and wouldn't really change anything. I didn't think I'd ever be interested in getting married again, so it really didn't matter.

I really liked my job, and I seemed to do pretty good at it. Even when I had an offer to move back to the US, I didn't take it. Mary and I didn't drift apart, but our contact became less and less frequent as she needed me less and less. I was still there for her when she needed a friend, but we were both busy. Instead of every day, it slowed to every other day, and eventually once a week. Sundays were our day to socialize, and occasionally, her parents invited me over to their house to have dinner with them. She was my best friend.

Once again, life goes on, and somehow it had been 4 years since I tried to set Mary up on a date. I was now 36 years old, and thoroughly tired of the dating scene. It was the one area I did not enjoy in Japan. So few women were willing to date a foreigner, and even fewer still that weren't crazy. I commonly referred to the pool of Japanese women available to foreigners as ducks on a pond. On the surface, they all seemed nice enough, but underneath the surface, a lot of them were bat shit crazy.

I was getting old and I seriously considering returning to the US for good. Mary really didn't need me anymore and my better years were behind me. I needed to sort my own life out. I needed to find that one person I could spend the rest of my life with romantically. I tried really hard to find that person for a long time in Japan, without success. After so many failures, I was ready to give up.

One of my good friends I attended baseball games with told me he knew a girl who wanted to meet me. Since we were going to the next game anyway, he said he would just give his ticket to her and arranged for her to meet me at the ballpark. I had very little expectations of this date, even if she did show up. I had become use to disappointment.

I arrived at the stadium and made my way inside to our section of the stands. I took my seat and watched as the players warmed up before the game. I looked up, and Mary was standing next to me. Of course, I said hi to her, and asked her why she was here. She told me that our friend had told her of my frustration and that I was considering returning to the US. She was the one who had asked him to arrange the "date".

"Jason," she looked at me, with tears running down her face. "I know you haven't thought about me in this way, for a long time, but I think enough time has passed and I was hoping you would be interested in letting me start over with you. I'm not the same person I was before, and I would very much like to spend an afternoon with you, as your date. No pressure, no big declarations, no expectations. Just a casual date with a girl you might want to get to know again. I have not even held hands or kissed another man in more than 10 years. As I told you before, I will never entertain another man for the rest of my life."

I was a little stunned. Not at her presence, but at her statement. In a way, I was proud of her confidence. She had truly been broken 10 years ago, but the woman standing before me wasn't broken. I think she was determined to prove to me that she was a different person now. She actually had the confidence to date all along, she had just chosen not to. Once again, she knew what she wanted in life, and wasn't going to settle for anything less. She was taking her shot before it was too late.

And I did look at her differently for the first time in those 10 years. She was right. She isn't the same girl I had fallen in love with before, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. That girl had betrayed me in the worst way possible. This girl was different. She had a humility I'd never seen from her when we last dated. I can't explain it well. The underlying arrogance was gone. She was more concerned about others than herself now. I honestly believe she would rather die than lose my trust again. She was right. I did want to get to know this girl more.

Mary stuck out her hand, like for a handshake.

"Hi Jason. My name is Mary. It's nice to meet you." she wiped the tears away and smiled as she said it.

I took her hand and shook it. Nobody in the world would blame me if I turned her down, but honestly, I wasn't the same person I was all those years ago either. I like to think I had grown up some too. I had learned to forgive her, not just in actions, but in my heart. More importantly, I had accepted myself and learned that what I wanted was important too. No matter how beautiful she was, what I wanted was just as important, and I would never get pushed into the background again.

"Hi Mary." I smiled back at her. "It is very nice to meet you too."