All Comments on 'The Move Home Ch. 01'

It is brilliantly written and very moving and loving couple and cannot wait for the next chapter you are a brilliant writer Billyslate I have read all you have written and enjoyed all your stories thank you. xxx

Hi Foxyfowler,

Thanks so much for your wonderful comment on my writing and stories. I am so pleased that The Move Home met your expectations as my latest Lesbian Romance Story.

Chapter 02 is currently WIP and I am diligently working to have it posted next month. I also have CH. 02 of another story in progress, which I also hope to release next month. Most of my Lesbian Romance stories will feature business or professional women who strive to help their female sisters also succeed at all levels in the business world.

Again, Many Thanks For Your Comment🎉!

What a fantastic story. Can’t wait to read more. Thank you for writing this.

Probably the best thing you have written to date, Billy. My sole criticism is that you dragged out the business aspects of the story a little too much. I appreciate parts of this may be important to the plot but the whole might put some readers off which would be a shame as you are developing nicely as a writer. When drafting/writing, try to remember the old adage, that less is often more. However, it's five stars from me.

Hi Maonaigh,

Thanks very much for your nice comments, as well as suggesting points I should consider in future stories. Also, many thanks for your 5-Stars, which is greatly appreciated.

Part. 02 should be ready next month.

Billyslate

I gave up one page 2 before I think a love interest was even introduced, not sure as I started to skim. Unfortunately the business aspect and "trying shoelaces" (too much work detail) was off putting. Also a solid page if dialog about work and business is not much of a turn on for most audiences. I don't mind a long romance story with no sex, but I might as well have been reading expense reports rather than learning anything about the protagonist.

Hi Sabrepunk,

Thanks very much for your honest comment on my story. I imagine that some readers with a business background like the detail, while others may find it tedious. I certainly keep track of both positive and negative thoughts on all my stories; however ultimately must write in a manner which I am comfortable with.

Hopefully, you will give CH. 02 a read when it is released next month.

All The Best!

Billyslate

Very nice, i skipped a bit of what was written in italics. might come back for a second, more indepth read if it keeps captivating me. To me the business part is as important as the rest, as it is the primary reason why all the characters tie in and where tension in the story will and does come from. You're weaving a nice romantic story which is like a breath of fresh air to me. thank you

I gave up on the second section. The writing is very good but isn't this Literotica? In my mind the first two sections could have been reduced to a mere portion of one. There was a lot of "who cares" in the minutia. Well written but as the old commercial quipped, "where's the beef?.

I'm enjoying your story, and, contrary to some opinions, I really enjoyed the business aspect and the ground that was laid for the move to NC. All that being said, I do have suggestions for progressing from being an "interesting" writer to being a readable, enjoyable one:

1. You simply must stop changing verb tenses from past to present tense from paragraph to paragraph. Beyond anything else, it interrupts the emotional flow that the reader has settled into, and causes a lack of respect for your grammatical grasp. A good editor could solve that problem.

2. Please stop trying so hard to sound like a professional writer. You should write dialog to sound as if you, yourself is talking. Making speech sound contrived or stilited just falls discordantlly upon the ear, and, again, interrupts the narrative flow.

You have great story instincts and the descriptive parts of your story are very good, but try writing your first draft with the dialog in everyday speech, and don't pump it up from there. I'll go 4 Stars for a very good story line. Thanks for the great effort!

My only issue is calling a child a mooch, that is a negative connotation and it’s not the child fault for her situation

To much over explaining and unnecessary sharing of relationships with waiters. Otherwise a good storyline.