The Nutcracker

"So, what's this then, Tobias? Have you been playing games with me? Oh yeah, Soph's little sister, she's always up for a laugh, might as well string her along. I'm not some fucking sugarplum fairy or doll or whatever and you know what..." And with that my knee met with Toby's crotch, giving him a real-life experience of the only nut-cracking I had experienced before this evening.

I stormed away, despite Toby calling after me. Fortunately, it was crowded, and I was able to move well in heels, slinking into the ladies room and hiding until I was sure the second act had started. I saw Toby was standing outside the theatre and asked one of the staff to lead me out of the back entrance.

How dare he play me like that? I thought I was talking with a stranger online and all the time I had been speaking with him. I'd complained about what a douche my boss was, and I was looking forward to meeting this mystery man. Online Toby was just like all the other men I'd met on dating apps. He could charm the socks off me, not pants as no one had done that yet, and all along he was the same stuck-up douche-canoe he had always been.

My phone was buzzing and I ignored it, not wanting to talk to him. I appreciated Charlotte had to work Sunday, but I also knew I needed someone to talk to and caught a cab to her place, hoping I was not interrupting her and Jackson's evening.

"I need a tub of ice cream and a box of tissues. Oh, and a job. Think Brad will have me back?" I texted her on the way.

"We're watching Love Actually. You're always welcome here."

I lobbed on her doorstep and burst into tears the moment she opened the door. Jackson turned off the movie, hugged me and said he was heading to bed. Charlotte grabbed a tub of ice cream and two spoons, and we sat at the kitchen bench.

"How was the ballet?" She asked as I shovelled rocky road ice-cream into my mouth.

"Not Powderfinger. And Toby was M268 all along."

"Sorry?"

"The fucking dating app. It wasn't even the real thing. It was a prototype that only he and I could use."

I explained the conversation with Marcus and that Toby had not even tried to explain himself. I also explained how good it felt to give him a nut-cracking with my knee.

"It could have been him opening up to you online? I mean, lots of men have trouble talking to women they like." Charlotte tried to explain.

"But we hate each other. He's a world-class wanker and we have nothing in common."

Charlotte was reading through the conversations Toby and I had had through the app. "He's funny. He made an almost Mr Darcy joke and he said he'd be smiling at you. I think he likes you."

"But he's stuck up and—"

"Proud and disagreeable?"

"He lied. And he knew he was talking to me when I had no idea it was him so that wasn't fair."

"Would you have talked to him if you'd known it was him?"

Charlotte had a point. I wouldn't have. I would have been terse and sarcastic. After finishing the ice cream, Charlotte drove me home and reminded me things would be better in the morning.

Whatever. I wasn't going to work with him anymore as much as it was helping my sister. It was less than two weeks until Christmas and things were slowing down in the office. He could manage his own diary and Soph could help him find someone else in the New Year.

Before going to bed, I blocked his number and deleted the stupid app from my phone.

~*~*~*~*~

I ignored Sophie's messages and calls the following morning. Mum even tried calling me and suggested a family lunch. I had no idea what Toby had told Soph and I didn't want to know. I did not feel like going out and being bombarded with fake Christmas spirit. I had bought most of the gifts I needed to buy online, well, all except the stupid Secret Santa I was meant to be giving Toby.

I moped around my house re-reading Jane Austen and losing myself in a time where although women were merely possessions, they still managed to fall in love and live their happily-ever-afters to men who appeared to appreciate who they were.

On Wednesday afternoon there was a knock at my door. Through the peephole, I saw Caitlyn with a small box I assumed held the items from my desk.

"You look like shit."

"Good to see you too, Caitlyn." I stood in my doorway until she had glanced at me enough and I felt guilty for not inviting her in. She really did have the schoolma'am look down well. "Tea? Coffee? Gin?"

"What gin have you got?"

"Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously. Have you not heard how much I like my gin?"

I hadn't and it made me smile. "I've got a local one, one from down the coast, a Tasmanian or the Bombay Sapphire I keep for when my mother comes over."

"She doesn't deserve the good stuff then?"

"She likes her Bombay Sapphire." I smiled.

"I'll try one of the Aussie ones then. Surprise me."

"Toby told you I quit?" I handed her one of the glasses I was carrying, and we clinked them together as I sat down.

"He told me he 'royally fucked up' and that he would like nothing more to have you in the office, but he doubted that you could forgive him, let alone work with him."

"He's not wrong."

"That he fucked up?"

"Yeah. He did."

"He likes you a lot and has done for a couple of years."

"We've got nothing in common."

"You both have a similar taste in gin!"

"Really?"

"Yes! Don't sound so surprised. At least come to the Christmas Party this Saturday night."

"I told Soph I'd babysit so she can go."

"And Soph told me your mother is looking after Alice."

"Traitor."

"Did you like the man you were talking to online?"

"He was easy to talk to. We seemed to get on ok, yes."

"It sounds like you're one of the few who actually got to meet the real Tobias Mortimer."

"Are you one of those people?"

"I've known him all his life. I was his mother's best friend, even though I failed her, but that's not my story to tell. He's a good man. He's not stuck-up or aloof. He's shy. Sophie will tell you the same."

I thanked Caitlyn for coming over and told her I'd think about things. I didn't promise that I'd make it to the Christmas party, but I didn't rule it out either. Sure, I was having my cake and eating it too, but I liked cake.

My grocery order arrived the following morning—why leave the unit when I didn't need to after all—and I noticed a bottle of gin tucked in the corner with a note.

Stella,

How did I never know you liked gin as much as me? I was so pleasantly surprised when Caitlyn told me you'd shared a gin together.

I'm a world-class flaming idiot. I could have looked up where you live, but instead, I did the grown-up thing and have asked Sophia to deliver this to you. She's lectured me. Caitlyn's lectured me. Marcus has offered to resign, but I told him I couldn't accept his resignation for my fuck-up. I'm sorry for not being honest with you. If only I'd tried to talk to you in person, the way we talked online.

Can we talk? I'm happy to talk by text if that's easier—well it's easier for me. Of course, I am more than happy to meet you somewhere. I like you. I really like you. You're funny and smart and witty and you make me smile. You even got me to go to the ballet. Well, half of it anyway.

My number's at the top of this, my super-private number that is. Sophia's been trying to get it for years so do with that what you will.

Yours, if you'll have me,

T.

It was his handwriting. I could almost imagine M268 typing it to me as a message so I picked up my phone. I knew I was being impulsive, but I also recognised that if I didn't reply now I would never do it.

"Hi, it's F391. My name's Stella. Well, it's really Estelle, but I prefer Stella. Although talking over text is easy for both of us, and I do ok with the written word, it might be best if we met up. There's a nice bar downtown that's hosting a Christmas party you night know about this Saturday. Want to check it out this evening to see if it's up to scratch?"

"Lovely to hear from you, Stella. Toby here. I know the place. Is four too early?"

"Eager much? My calendar's free if yours is."

"I don't have a PA at present so I'm in charge of my calendar. See you then."

~*~*~*~*~

Sitting on the tram on my way to the bar I was nervous. To be honest, I was shit-scared. I couldn't decide between making an effort for this drink with Toby (I kept trying to convince myself it wasn't a date) or not and in the end compromised throwing my hair into a messy bun on top of my head, painting on some mascara and lip-gloss, and changing from my denim shorts into jeans with the same t-shirt I had worn during the day.

"Sis, I'm at your door, open up." A text from Sophie had arrived.

"I'm out of the house—happy?" I replied.

"I'm here if you want to talk, ok?"

"Ok."

I didn't want to tell Soph or Charlotte that I was meeting up with Toby. To be honest I was not sure why I had suggested it. The man I had chatted with online was not the same Toby I had worked with or known as my sister's boss. I wondered how much I had self-sabotaged things being nervous about being around a man and wanting to have sex with someone. Did I want to have sex with Toby? I mean, sure he was hot and yes, I had referred to him as Sex-on-a-Stick when I was drunk, but what if I discovered I didn't like sex, or it was boring or unsatisfying?

Charlotte and I had talked about her early experiences with an ex and how different it was for her with Jackson. Perhaps I just needed to find someone to get it out of the way with, rip off the band-aid and just do it for the sake of doing it.

As I walked towards the staircase up to the bar my phone alerted me to a message.

"I'm here, I'm early, I'm sorry and I'm really nervous. If you're running late or want to back out, it's ok. I understand."

"I'm just walking up the steps now. I'll grab us both a gin."

As soon as I entered the bar, I saw Toby sitting at a small table playing with a drink coaster. He was wearing the same grey suit pants he usually wore to work with a white button-down shirt with the top button undone. The sleeves were rolled up exposing his muscular forearms. As the barman mixed our drinks, Toby looked up and saw me, smiled, and I gave him a little wave.

"This is an apology for kneeing you in the balls. Violence is never the answer, and I should not have done it. I'm sorry." I placed the gin and tonic in front of him.

"I deserved it. I think they've almost healed." Toby smiled.

"Regardless, it was a dick move. Well, a nut-cracking move really, and it was wrong."

"I should have tried to talk to you. I knew we had more in common than you ever believed because Soph has talked so much about you. But I just clam up when I'm around you."

"Why? It's just boring old me."

"You're not boring, Stell. You're beautiful and feisty and you are wicked funny. I find you sexy as hell and I couldn't believe it when Soph said you were available to fill in for her."

"I'm a virgin." I blurted out.

"Sorry?"

"I've never had sex. I'm not saving myself or anything stupid like that. And I'm not offering you a gift because whoever decided it's a gift to rip through my hymen, that might or might not be there still, is a lunatic, but I thought you should know."

Toby took a long sip of his drink. "I didn't want to simply lure you to my bed. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've had several fantasies with you in them, but I would like to get to know you more."

"I don't know what to do with my life. I'm happiest when I'm writing romance novels or helping out at the thrift store that raises money for the women's shelter. I like doing things for other people. I hate living in a unit because I want to have a garden, even though I can't seem to keep most of my plants alive. My parents weren't good for each other, but they both seem to have found happiness this time around, and I'm scared I'm going to be drawn to a similar relationship. And I blabber when I'm nervous, but I think you know that."

"My father's in gaol for killing my mother. She tried to escape a few times from the violence that was always there, but there was never any room at any of the shelters. Caitlyn tried to help, but Mum always went back to him. He punched me out cold when I was seventeen and that's why my nose is crooked. My sister and I tried to get her out, but she wouldn't go. I'm scared I'm just like him."

"I feel worse for kneeing you now."

"Don't. Please."

We kept talking. I learnt more about Toby's mum and sister, and he was interested to hear about my thesis. Somewhere along the line, he ordered another round of drinks. I learnt that his mum was killed just as the first game he designed at uni became a hit, giving him the money he needed to be able to rescue her, however, he had been too late.

"You're a good PA, Stella." Toby offered with a smile.

"I don't think I'm meant to be a PA. I still don't know what I want to do with my life."

"Write?"

"Maybe."

"Help women escaping domestic violence?"

"I like helping raise money for them, but it's such a small thing."

"When you suggested I donate to the shelter I knew you were special. I already donate a lot there each year, but I want to do more, especially around education. I want to show boys in particular that violence is never the answer. I want to show women that they are strong enough to leave."

"That's a noble endeavour. How will you do it?"

"I want to set up the Bridget Nielander Foundation in memory of my mother. Tell me more about this thrift shop."

"I started in first year as part of a project for a class I was taking. People donate items and volunteers sort through them and divide them between stuff that can be sold to raise funds and stuff that we think women and children might like to make their lives a little happier. It's run by the student council and only operates in term time, but I'd like it to run all year round. At the end of the semester, so many students donate so much and then we have to wait until term-time again to sort through things. We could be doing so much more."

"Is the sorting something anyone could do?"

"I think so. I mean, we've had women volunteer who have been helped by the shelter and returned to uni themselves if they can afford it."

I could see things ticking over in Toby's brain. "I want to encourage staff to be more altruistic and give them paid time off to help out with volunteer groups. Do you think someone like Marcus could help sort during non-term-time?"

"I mean sure."

"Don't tell her I told you, but Caitlyn already helps at an animal shelter each weekend. There are so many non-profit organisations that need help and I'd like to encourage my staff to help out. Even people like Nat who manages her daughter's netball team on the weekends."

"This is not what I thought we'd be talking about over a drink!"

"Did you expect me to come in and charm you and whisk you back to my lair?" Toby was smiling again.

"Not really. I thought I'd apologise, you'd be gruff and we'd go our separate ways."

"I'm gruff when I'm nervous, and you somehow made me very nervous. I tried to talk to you at Soph and Lyd's wedding, but I just told you about some app we were developing. Perhaps if I'd talked about plants or food or books we might have gotten somewhere?"

"Maybe. I probably would have just been verbose and spoken garbage."

"This is an improvement then?"

It was indeed and I was enjoying being in Toby's company. Perhaps I had been all Elizabeth Bennett about him, and first impressions were not totally accurate, but I was not about to believe he was my Mr Darcy.

"I won't make the mistake of asking you to dance ever again, that's for sure."

"Usually I like dancing, however, I was embarrassed at Sophia's wedding because I found you so attractive and, well, it had stirred parts of me that... Let's just say if we had danced you would have felt my attraction towards you through the front of my pants."

"Oh..." I was beet red. My experience with men had not led me to experience indications I was attractive to them, and I wondered if I might have even known what it was if it had pressed into me. How much of me was truly naïve and how sheltered had I allowed myself to become?

"It's getting busy in here. Will you come to the party on Saturday night?"

"I'll think about it." I grinned as I stood and grabbed my bag.

"Can I cook you dinner?"

"That sounds lovely, but small steps, ok? I'll see you Saturday."

I would love to have said yes to dinner, but things were moving so quickly, and I needed time to think and process my change in feelings towards Toby. I was wrong and he wasn't stuck-up and arrogant. I was developing feelings for him and there appeared to be a mutual attraction.

~*~*~*~*~

The Saturday before Christmas was never a good day to be at the shops, but I had promised to bring Charlotte something to eat for lunch. I also still needed to buy a Secret Santa gift for Toby. Not wanting to brave the food court, I had packed salads from home to share with my best friend. Brad again wanted to beg me to work and I all but told him to fuck off.

"What have you got him?" Charlotte asked as she opened the tubs I had placed on the table in front of us.

"Nothing. I can't think of anything he needs."

"Secret Santa is not about what people need, stupid."

I knew my friend was right. There was a quirky gift shop near the mall and I stopped in after lunch. They had a section devoted to Secret Santa gifts, both serious and less staid. I laughed at the thought of giving a doodling book where you could doodle your own doodles or hooters and grabbed one to give to Lydia for Christmas as she was always going on about how jealous she was of her wife's breasts. In the end, I spotted the perfect gift and had the assistant wrap it ready for me to take that evening.

"Sit still will you?" Sophie was again doing my hair before the party. "Who did you draw for Secret Santa?"

"It's meant to be a secret, isn't it?"

"I drew Marcus Chang. Bloody hard to buy for a programmer, so I had a t-shirt printed... meh, you'll see it tonight. Did you get me?"

"I'm not saying. At least I know you didn't have to get anything for me."

"I'd have gotten you something Scrooge-like. I'm hoping to make Christmas a bit special for Alice, not like the Christmases we had growing up." Sophie had always pretended she loved Christmas. "Don't get angry, but Dad, Rachel and the boys are coming down here on Monday for Christmas."

The look on my face was one of shock. My father and his family had travelled down for Sophie and Lydia's wedding, but we had little contact these days.

"Don't look so shocked. Dad and Alice FaceTime most days. He wants to meet her."

"So, we're going to do what we did as kids and spend lunch with Mum and dinner with Dad?"

"Nope. We're spending the day at the park with everyone. They got on ok at the wedding and Mum knows and Cliff thinks it's a great idea."

"And you're springing it on me a few days before Christmas?"

"It's not about the past. It's about the here and now and creating new traditions. I know you have bad memories about Christmases in the past, but I'm hoping this year will be different."

Lydia was out catering for an early evening event but would join us at the staff party a little late. Mum and Cliff arrived to look after Alice and repeated most of what Sophie had told me about Christmas Day plans. Cliff even added that his ex-wife and her new family were going to call in for a bit after lunch with her in-laws.

"So now I have to buy gifts for everyone?"

"No. If people want to bring gifts for the children they can, but Soph suggested we donate to a charity instead of buying things for each other that no one wants or needs." Mum explained.

"So you and Dad won't try and outdo each other with gifts to us then?" I asked dubiously as to the change in my mother.