The Old Theatre, Mum's Story

What have I missed in my life? Well not as much as a quick first glance would make you think. My life looking at it at this point in time looks like the wreck of the Hesperus. Apart from the last few days, they have changed that beyond all recognition.

It's probably best to leave that until later in this journal if this does become a journal and usually, the beginning is the best place to start.

My mother, and to a lesser extent my father were devout Roman Catholics. So I was born into the church and with it, the guilt of the confession. It may well work for some but our village priest was a weak man.

He allowed my mother to listen in to my confession. I still wonder to this day how in the name of anything holy does that work. I still believe in God, do I believe in transubstantiation of silly little cakes of bread in the Eucharist? I'll leave you to guess the answer to that one.

Now, I go to chapel, but only if I need a bit more power for my prayers. Like when I pray for my own carbon copy of my Kay's Kevi. So I can chain him to my bed.

Going back to my mother, the one thing that sticks with me is when she interrupted the end of my confession just after I had my first period and told the priest I had "stained my bedsheets". I'll never forgive her for that.

Do you believe he added to my penance for that. I know what my Kay would have said, what the fuck is that all about. It still lives with me now.

I loved school, I was good at most things, and I was a star pupil in maths. I was good at sports, I played netball and hockey for the school's first team when I was 15. I was a reasonable dancer and could swim like a fish.

I was also despite my mother's attention top in my year at the extracurricular activities behind the bike sheds. Particularly with my big strong boy David. David who attended the Catholic boy's school next door.

The boundary between our girl's school and the boy's school was an 8 ft high concrete fence. The girl's and boy's bike sheds were placed on either side of this fence. We called them sheds but they were just metal skeleton frames with a corrugated iron roof.

We could climb the side frame and sit in the valley the roofs made, totally undetectable by the penguins, the nuns. We could do much more than sit, it's where my baby was conceived.

I know the exact date and time. Luckily It was the only nice day in late November and we had just finished our last lessons for the day. That morning I had told mum I was going to chess club, which finished at 5.30 so I pulled my knickers up with our baby's life forming inside me at 5.25 pm on Thursday the 25th of November 1965, my David's birthday. I gave him my virginity, it was my present to him. I started to show 4 months later. I still, and never have regretted it.

It was a different world then. I honestly believed I couldn't get pregnant if I was on top.

We were in his room, I was trying to teach him a new dance move, the only fault my David had in my eyes was that he had two left feet. I did manage to teach him how to steer me around a dance floor so I could Jive at family weddings and other parties but no one could call his movement dancing. it didn't really matter, he just always held me right.

I loved that man. I still love his memory. The only thing that came close was my baby, she is his equal. Third was his mum and dad, They were Scots, Michalia and John, Jock to everyone except his own mum

Michalia knocked on the door and said can I come in for a minute. She came into the room and said I need to talk to Muireann. I knew it was serious then. Only my mum called me that. Back then I had shortened my awful name to Ann. David called me Annie, and normally so did his mum and dad.

Do you want to tell me something, Annie? I knew she knew then, this was the sixties but they hadn't quite got to the Yorkshire Coalfields just yet, I just cried. Two minutes ago I was a bit worried, but now I knew. What have you done David, was her next question. David went to put his arm around me but for the first time since we were 5, I didn't want him.

What I wanted was for my mum to hug me and tell me everything was going to be fine. A better thing happened. David, you dirty little shit, get away from her, get out of my sight, get out but don't you dare go far you have a job to do shortly a man's job.

I'd never seen or heard David's mum angry with him before. Looking back it was a bit unfair, we talked about it, but I planned it I wanted David to take my virginity. I wasn't quite ready for our baby yet but we both wanted her.

Michalia put her arm around me. Don't you cry now, my bonny child. This is a time for me to celebrate. I don't want you crying. Do you not know if a mother cries on her baby it will grow to be a sad child? I want my granddaughter to be as happy and beautiful as her mum. When is she due? How do you know it's going to be a girl Mrs Hawly

You call me mum now, I just know girl. Jock will tell you I'm a witch, maybe I am! As I sobbed away Michalia hugged me, she told me I was going to be the daughter she never had. David had two brothers. John was named after his dad as it was the family tradition. He was still at University. Allan, the middle one was in the army. And David, he was her baby.

We have spoiled him said Michalia, me more than Jock to be truthful. If he wasn't such a big lump his dad would take his belt off to him when he gets off shift. I'd just about finished with the waterworks when she gave me a squeeze. I'm sorry love, but I have to send you off to tell your mum.

No please, let me stay here for a while. I knew what my mum's reaction would be. No Annie you have to. Putting things off like this only makes them worse. Besides, that oaf out there is going to go with you. If you leave it until she finds out you will probably be on your own. I know your mum, that won't be good.

I want you to go now but always remember you are part of this family now. I'll never forget those words either. Send my idiot son in. I need to talk to him before he takes you. That helped, David was going to take me. He brought me back to my new family, but only after he told my mum to shut her foul trap.

When she threatened him with my dad paying a visit, David said he would be very pleased to see him come to their door. My mother slammed the door in my face, I'll never forgive her. David told me his mum had said he had to bring me back with him. Mum says there's a Hawley inside you and you belong with us now.

We were back at Michalia and Jock's house within 30 minutes. Considering it was a walk that normally took me 15 minutes to make, it shows just how much my mum wanted to talk about her first and only grandchild.

Like all collier families, Michalia and Jock had very little in the way of savings. We were school kids. We had nothing but hope. David left school and went with his dad to the pit office. His dad was a deputy. A sort of forman so David got a job at the pit starting the week after Easter.

We lived in Davids's Bedroom until Jock threatened to put the union man's lights out if he didn't do something about getting us a pit house. my baby was born in David's Bedroom, my poor man had to sleep on the front room settee for a fortnight, then he never left my side until the awful day they brought him home in a box. I adored him, my little one adored him we both still do.

That was nearly half a century ago. I still miss him terribly. When he fucked me I stayed fucked for hours. I asked Michalia after Kay was born if Jock was built like an ox in the pants department. Ohh yes, she said with a very big smile, that's another family tradition.

Two years after Kay was born I had an ectopic pregnancy. For reasons never explained, David was told if I didn't have both of my ovaries removed I would probably die if he got me pregnant again. The Doctor who did it was later struck off for similar malpractice procedures. So Kay, when you read this, I know you will because you are the same sort of nosy cow as your mum, you will finally understand why you had to bear the load of having me as a mum all on your own. Your dad and I planned on having a football team sweetheart.

So I brought my daughter up on my own, no that's a lie. Nanna Howly wouldn't let the rain fall on her. I tried my best, we tried our best, to be honest, I know I could have done better but I always thought I had to be your dad as well. I couldn't do that, no one could, only my David could be your dad.

I am sorry about the Dance lessons, I regret them. I wanted you to be like me and not your dad. Miss D'Frane, that wasn't her real name, she came from Pontefract. Said you could do it, you just didn't want to. I wasted our money there and there wasn't enough to waste.

I'm not a bit sorry about the piano lessons. I once came to visit you at Jimmy's you were in the common room with that girl you were sleeping with there. I liked her Kay, she made you smile, the two of you made me smile. I stood and watched my daughter play a horrible broken-down old piano and make it sound good, a bit like Jerry Lee Lewis.

You were playing a two hand. Well actually you played it all, she just wanted to sit next to you and touch you. I didn't say anything but I went home happy. I knew all the time why you didn't play at home. That day, you played a song that I didn't know. I think it's called "Shaking Mamma For You, that's the recurring line. some of your colleagues were dancing, I danced with one of them. You shook your Mamma that day! I didn't waste a penny on piano lessons, did I?

Kay darling, I didn't want it to but this has become a letter to you. To tell you I'm sorry I didn't get everything right. Neither did you, my darling girl, your dad didn't want to swap you for a boy, he adored his little girl, we both did.

Later, my mum tried to patch things up when the penny dropped it was going to be me and your dad who would supply her with any grandchildren. After you were born my mum and dad came around to Michalia and Jock's with a brand new Silver Cross coach-built pram.

You were only ever in it when we went shopping and I was on my own with you. Your dad and I used to go for walks to the recreation ground. I would push an empty pram, your dad would carry you. He always took bread for the two of you to feed the ducks on the navigation To be very honest my love I got a little bit jealous of you.

Your dad made that better when we went to bed though. Do you remember when you were four, we went on a caravan holiday to Scarborough? You had a little bedroom at the end of the van.

On our first night there you came into the main room where we had our bed on the sofa you were really frightened and crying because you thought someone bad was shaking the caravan. You were very wrong darling. Someone good was shaking the caravan. Someone very good indeed.

We let you sleep in our bed for the rest of the holiday. If we woke you, your daddy always took care of his little girl and rocked her back to sleep. Then he took care of his big girl and just rocked her.

If you ever wondered where the wanton hussy inside comes from, it comes from me, I cannot imagine for a second where mine comes from. I think about the shaking caravan when I need to cheer myself up.

One more thing before I move on, I'm not going to say much about this other than you are not the only woman in this family who ever spanked her naughty boy's bottom. God, I wish chastity belts for men had been around in the sixties.

Well two things actually, I'm so jealous of your latex clothing. I'm going to have to talk to you about this. I want a corset, dress and a trenchcoat like yours before it's too late. I've got a little saved for a rainy day. If you say yes to my other want I will have enough for a rainy year.

My other want is a front door. Well, a door of my own. That boy back home frightened me. I don't think I'm even nearly ready for what the estate agents call assisted living. I want unassisted "living it up" for as long as I can get it, but I cannot be in your way.

I've never really had a chance my love but I want to be a bad girl. Not a bad bad girl, a good bad girl like you. I had a chance before and I blew it. When you persuaded poor Mo to buy me a place and I was too bigoted to accept. I was a bit scared as well I didn't want to move away from Nanny Michala either.

I don't want to go back, I want to stay with you and your man. I've enough to pay my way, I won't get in the way and you know I can be useful, I could cook for all three of us if you let me.

I was talking to your Kevin. If you ever get sick of him don't forget your poor needy mum. I'll take him off your hands. He's lovely, as I said I was talking to your Kevin the other day about you. The subject of Mo came up and he asked me why I didn't like him. I had no answer for him. I didn't get to know him so how could I not like him? I made a bad joke, it was because he was wearing a nicer dress than mine.

You were wearing a nicer dress than mine, everyone in the cafe in Schofields was wearing nicer dresses than me. The other morning while I was giving myself a talking-to over coffee I decided there was only one person to blame for that.

I went for my first walk around Caerphilly and found 4 dresses in bloody charity shops nicer than anything I possessed. A woman half my age in British Heart Foundation said, you do have a nice figure, what she meant is I've got nice big tits, show it off. When I came out of the changing room wearing one of the dresses, she insisted I try on a pair of stretchy jeans and a size 12 top. I look like boobzilla but I think it's a good look for a gilf.

I want to be a gilf now I've had it explained to me. The women in that shop told me there was a club nearby they meets once a month where a woman like me may find a young stud to bang me. I think I know where it is.

I will have to talk face to face with you about that, I need you to know I won't embarrass you, can I come please. I think, after all these years it's high time I had another good banging sweetheart.