by Minstrel_Blue
Is this story set in current days? Idk anybody named Chip lol
Kool lunch though
But I have one criticism, (and I think you know what it is,) this chapter is too short. I mean, it's an introduction to the story, we don't even make it through the first day, it just stops during lunch. It's such a weird place to stop a chapter, no big event, reveal or cliffhanger, it just stops.
I promise that Ch. 02 is on its way and will be longer. Ch. 03 is done and will be submitted soon.
Keep the chapters coming.
I think there are over 3000 words per Lit page. Of course depends how many extra lines you throw in.
You're an excellent writer, and I'm looking forward to reading all the new submissions.
That is not what will make your story succeed of fail. It will be the actions, adventures, emotions, and interactions that will get readers' attention. Do not try to force sex scenes thinking it will bring you readers. Work on plot and delivery. Create some conflict.
I appreciate the comments. This is my first submission and didn't know exactly how long it would go. This is the beginning of a much longer series. I have several chapters written, and will be submitting them soon. It will take some time before anything sexual happens, though. So, fair warning.
With HDK. It has potential, but it really needed more to grab your audience.
I suggest you post several pages per chapter or you will lose your readership. You had no hook in this short chapter, nothing to make us look for the next chapter. The first chapter sets the tone for the story, but readers come away from this chapter with no emotion of any kind here. "A kid starts school and everything is very normal" is not a great start.
I will try another chapter or two, if I happen to see them, before I decide to continue or to bail. Please give me a reason to want to keep reading!
Great start to the story. But I was hoping for more than one page.