The Perils of Love Ch. 07

"You're being so quiet. What are you thinking right now?" Liv asked as she stroked my palm with her perfectly manicured nails. "Get out of your head for just a minute and talk to me," she whispered.

The way she softly spoke made my flesh beg for more, but her last phrase, so sweetly and tenderly spoken, hit me in the gut so hard I almost gagged on my own tongue.

Get out of your head.

Though my desire revolted against my actions, I returned Liv's hand to the table and slowly withdrew mine to my lap.

"I think I'm going to be condemned to Hell because of the thoughts I'm having right now."

"Whoa," she said nervously. Her expression changed to one of confusion. "That's not what I was expecting to hear."

"I'm sorry, Liv. I'm sorry. I … I can't do this."

"Did I do something wrong?"

I didn't know how to answer. I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't want her to think my refusal was because I found her in any way objectionable, because I certainly didn't. I saw her expression change as her wheels turned. Her brain caught up before mine could.

"Oh. Oh, no. Oh my god," she stammered. "Gary … are … are you … are you still married?"

"Yeah, Liv." I nodded slowly. "I am."

It hurt to see her expression change so abruptly. She'd displayed serenity, desire, confidence, and comfort, then, in an instant, fear, anguish, and mortal embarrassment.

"Oh. Um … oh, shit. I'm such an idiot. Oh god⁠—"

She quickly stood from the table, her chair clattering backward to the floor. She grabbed her backpack which had been underneath it and stumbled away. I noticed numerous sets of eyes watching me all of a sudden as I stood and righted her chair. I tried to follow her until she darted into the ladies' room.

I went back to the table and fumbled through my wallet. I tossed a twenty with a ten onto it and walked out of the brewhouse. I knew it was about a fifty-percent tip, but I didn't give a shit because I had no intention of standing there like a dumbass waiting for change while being tried and convicted by the dozen staring eyes of an ersatz jury.

I started walking toward the hotel when my legs froze. I was a hundred feet from the exit when I was compelled to return. I paced outside on the sidewalk for probably ten minutes before Liv came out the door. When she saw me, she turned and walked in the opposite direction.

"Liv, stop," I pleaded.

She accelerated her pace. Her distance increased to the point where I needed to sprint a dozen yards to intercept her. I grabbed the top strap of her backpack.

"Olivia, please stop !"

My actions and outburst caught the attention of several passers-by. I let go of her backpack and held my hands up to allay any provocation of those observers. She turned to face me, and I saw her reddened eyes. I could tell she'd been crying.

"Oh, my god, Liv, I'm so sorry. I really am."

"You?! You're sorry? Holy fuck, Gary, what do you have to be sorry for? I'm the fucking idiot."

She turned and started walking. I followed her.

"You're not an idiot. I'm sorry because … because I enjoyed what you were doing. All of it. I should have raised a flag, but I didn't because I didn't want to!"

My admission froze her in her tracks.

"What are you saying?" she asked.

"I'll tell you this right now, straight up, because you deserve to hear it. It has been a long time since I've drawn the attention of a woman, any woman, and I was deeply, deeply flattered. I enjoyed it, okay? That's why it's my problem, not yours ."

"You did, huh?" she scoffed and started walking again. "Well, I guess the cat's out of the bag. I've always enjoyed working with you, Gary. I've always thought you are handsome, but you became even more attractive to me a few months ago when I noticed you were no longer wearing your wedding band."

Oh, my god. My ring ! I'd taken it off my finger one day when I was repairing the lawn mower and got all greasy. It was very difficult to remove because I'd gained back some of the weight I'd lost before I was diagnosed with diabetes. I'd put it in Samantha's jewelry box and never got around to having it resized.

"When I realized your finger didn't even have the impression, I assumed you were available … God ! I'm such a moron !"

"Would you please stop deriding yourself? Liv, this was my mistake, not yours. The error was mine . I screwed up by not telling you sooner. Honestly, I wasn't sure what was happening at first, but because of what I was about to do a few minutes ago, I realized I would be crossing a line I could never step back over, but believe me, I really, really came close.

"I also respect you. For so many reasons, I could never use you like that and still live with myself.

"You need to know I've got my own problems right now, and I'm not about to pull you into my shitstorm. It's not right. You're not at fault, Liv. You didn't do anything improper. You assumed I was available, an assumption which was completely valid, because you had no way of knowing otherwise.

"I admit your … advances and your actions and all that stuff you were doing made me feel very, very good about myself again. You have nothing to apologize for. I swear I didn't intend to mislead you, but I did, and I alone own that. I deeply, deeply regret embarrassing you. Please, Olivia, please, please forgive me."

She stood still for several long moments, looking at me intently.

"You're a bit of an asshole, you know?" she said with a solid stare.

"I've been told."

She stared at me long enough I was surprised when she reached for me and stroked my shoulder compassionately.

"No," she said, "you really aren't. Otherwise, I would never be able to call you my friend. Maybe you're a tiny mouse's asshole."

Her analogy made me laugh in spite of the awkwardness of the situation.

"Liv, are we okay? Please tell me we are."

"Yeah. We're okay. But when you started chasing me down the sidewalk, I really thought about kicking you in the nuts."

"I would have deserved it."

She chuckled and watched the traffic passing on the street for a minute.

"Gary, you deserve better. What's been going on with you? After what almost happened back there, am I entitled to an explanation about the storm I almost sailed into?"

"Yeah. I suppose you are."

"Alright. We barely touched our beers. Can I buy you one at the hotel bar so we can talk?"

"I'd like that, but I'll buy my own and you buy your own."

After we'd sat across from each other at a table, she asked me questions about what was going on in my marriage, and I answered them as best I could. We talked for a few hours over three or four beers. She showed genuine concern, and my answers helped her understand why I wasn't so quick to throw a flag on the field.

She'd been married twice before. She'd been through an awful lot of turmoil herself. Her first husband had died years earlier during a surgical procedure to attempt to correct a heart defect. Her second ex was physically and emotionally abusive. She divorced him after less than a year of marriage. That's when she transferred and moved across country and into my division at work.

After I called the waitress over to get our tabs, Liv asked me a question which made my slightly tipsy self almost laugh my ass off because it was so direct.

"What was the first pass I made that you noticed?"

"Why would you ask me that?"

"I'm only curious. It's okay. You can tell me. I won't judge. Hell, I can't judge, can I? I almost got you into trouble, so it seems like the message got through to you at some point, right?"

"Uh … it was at the airport. I saw rose petals."

"You saw what-whats?"

"The rose petals on your … um … delicates. I could see them."

She laughed. "Strawberries, Gary. Not roses, but close enough. You know how major-league hurlers lead with a certain pitch when facing an unknown batter for the first time?"

"Yeah. I don't know what would have happened if I'd taken a swat at yours."

"A swat at the pitch, or my ass?"

"The baseball, Liv!"

We both laughed.

We flew home the following morning.

The next few weeks were only mildly awkward until Liv and I settled back into our friendship the way it had been. The only thing we'd shared were emotions, a few gentle touches, and honest, candid discussion. Nothing else.

Returning to my house every day felt more awkward by a mile. It felt like I'd sunk back, knee-deep, into a tar pit. The respite during the business trip only amplified the feeling. The few months after that trip saw even more distance grow between my wife and me.

There where forty-seven entries made in my record. The times between each entry grew until I made one attempt on our 23rd anniversary. That one scored a five in the rejection column. It was the last time I'd even made an effort in over two months. Her constant and repeated rejections had emasculated me.

Our relationship was broken. My wife had transformed from being my love to being a housemate. We'd become ships in the night.

The final straw landed when I came home from work one evening. She was wearing the same pajamas in which she'd awakened which gave me the indication she'd stayed home all day.

My daughters were sitting at the kitchen table doing their homework. Samantha was sitting in the recliner watching TV. I approached her with my backpack still over my shoulder and leaned down to kiss her temple. She turned her face away from me and put a hand to my chest.

"Please don't. Just … don't."

I stood there, stunned. My own wife wouldn't even look at me.

I'd had enough. I was done.

I went to the kitchen table and kissed my daughters on their heads.

"How's the homework coming along, ladies?" I asked, trying to sound upbeat, even though I was about to fall apart.

"I'm almost done," Anna said.

"How 'bout you, Mandy?"

"Already finished mine, Daddy."

"Good job," I praised, then spoke to her elder sister.

"Anna, since it's Friday, you can finish yours later. I need you to do something. I need you to put your school things into your backpack, right now, and help Mandy do the same. Leave your packs here on the table, then pack a travel bag for both of you, okay?" I said very quietly.

"Why, Dad?" she asked, almost in a whisper, as I had.

"Sweetie, I need you to do what I ask, right now."

She looked visibly confused. I understood her trepidation. Her family was falling apart. Though she wasn't ignorant to it, it probably wasn't obvious to her. I nudged her shoulders, and she did what I'd requested. I quickly packed my duffel, then helped the girls finish packing their bags with a couple of changes of clothes.

"What are you doing, Amanda?" my wife said when she saw her with her bag.

"Daddy told me to!" she said in defense of herself.

"Gary? What's going on?"

"Samantha, stop. Just stop ! I don't know what you⁠—"

I saw my daughters watching us from the hallway. I took a deep breath.

"Anna, listen to me right now. Get my keys out of the basket. Both of you take your things out to the truck and wait for me inside it, okay?"

"What's wrong, Dad?" Amanda asked.

"Honey, go with your sister. Don't argue or question me."

I stood silent, watching my daughters until the door to the garage closed behind them.

"Samantha, I don't know what the hell is going on with you. All I know is that I don't want to be in this house with you right now. You've made it very clear you don't want me here. The girls and I are going to stay somewhere else for the weekend. I want to spend some time with them because I don't know what's going to happen next."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm not getting into it with you right now. I've given you plenty of opportunities to talk to me. Every time, you've pushed me away. I'm done. I've had enough. I'm … I'm done."

"You're leaving me?" She started to cry.

"No, Samantha, you've left me ."

"No, I haven't ! Why? What are you saying ?" she yelled as I reached for the door.

"Samantha, what the hell is wrong with you? Never mind. I don't want to hear it. I'm tired. I'm exhausted ! I've been as patient as I can be. I've tried everything I can think of to figure out what's happened with us, but just then? You pushed me away just for trying to kiss you! I've had enough."

I took another deep breath and counted to five in my head. I had to control myself because I was about to completely lose it.

"I'm taking the girls for the weekend. I'll have them back here by Sunday afternoon. Their homework will be done. Use the time to do whatever you need to do."

"Don't! Please, Gary, don't!" she screamed as I left the house.

My daughters were crying in the back seat of my truck.

"Why isn't Mom coming with us?" Anna asked as I backed out of the driveway.

"Don't worry about it, Anna. Mama has to work on something this weekend," I answered. "I'm gonna take my little birds on a staycation just for the heck of it. Just the three of us."

I pulled into the drive-through at a local fast-food place and bought dinner for the girls. I checked into two adjoining rooms at a hotel a few miles from the house and watched the girls enjoy their dinner while I researched things on the web.

After a couple of hours, I made sure my babies were tucked comfortably in their beds with lights out in their room, and made sure the main doors were locked and bolted closed with the do not disturb sign on the outside handles. I left the adjoining door ajar so I'd be able to hear my daughters if they awakened. I returned to the desk in my room and went back to work.

I stayed up researching almost all night. Red flags were waving in front of my eyes the whole time, but I dismissed them all. Google lit up with hits for my simple search: "Divorce attorney reviews."

I went to bed crying as silently as I could into a pillow at about 2:00am.

I took the girls to the amusement park the next morning. The excursion filled the entire day. They were both solidly worn out when we went back to the hotel.

Earlier in the day, around lunchtime, I'd received an iMessage.

Please, Gary, PLEASE come home.

I ignored it.

After I settled the girls into bed with their tummies full, I went back to my research. That evening, I began searching for two-bedroom apartments. I limited the search to complexes in the same school attendance zone as the house. There weren't many from which to choose.

Once again, I went to sleep with dark clouds raining on me. I could barely stomach the thought of what was happening. I couldn't believe what was happening. We'd been married over twenty years, and it seemed she was throwing me out like garbage.

The love of my life had disappeared. There was a woman living in my house and sleeping in my bed, but it wasn't the woman I knew. The woman looked like my wife, sounded and smelled like my wife, but it wasn't the woman with whom I'd fallen madly in love.

The next day, I insisted Anna finish her homework before we did any activities. It took her barely a half hour. On our way out of the hotel, I checked out of the room the girls had occupied but extended the stay on mine for a week.

We spent a couple of hours at the park, then went to a movie.

After I'd parked my truck in the driveway of our house, the girls ran inside to find their mother. She greeted them warmly and shooed them to their rooms to unpack their bags.

"Where's yours?" she asked me.

"I'm not staying. I need to get a few more things," I said as I walked to the master bedroom.

"Gary, please, baby. Please !"

"Please what ?" I demanded.

"I need you. I need you to stay."

I scoffed reflexively. "Bullshit."

"Why are you doing this to me?"

"Samantha, how the hell can you even ask that question? I told you. This is all up to you. What do you expect me to do? Do you expect me to come home every night to a house where you barely even acknowledge my presence? Last Friday night, I tried to simply give you a kiss. You refused it.

"You have completely and totally rejected me, and you expect me to keep taking more of that shit day after day after day?

"I used to look forward to coming home from work. You made this place our sanctuary! It was all you! You made me want to come home!

"But now? I dread it.

"Why the hell do you think I've been working so much lately? There's nothing for me here anymore except Anna and Mandy. They don't have any idea what's going on, but I know they sense something because of how they're acting. If they start asking questions, I won't have any answers. I sure as hell hope you do, because you're not just pushing me away. This … whatever it is … is affecting them, too."

She laid face down on the bed and wept.

I felt like a cold, heartless bastard, but I'd said my piece. I didn't know what else I could do.

"I'll be in touch," I said as I left her to herself.

I went back to the hotel and cried myself to sleep for the third night in a row. I couldn't stand the thought of going to work the next morning, but I knew I couldn't risk not going. If I had to provide for my children by myself, I needed to be stable. I put on a false front and "happily" went back to the office on Monday morning and dove headlong into the next problem I'd been assigned.

After I skipped lunch, I heard a knock on my open door. Liv was standing there.

I waved her in as I continued reviewing data for the latest project.

She closed the door behind her before taking a seat at the small side table.

"You've been holed up in here all day. That's unlike you. How are you doing?" she asked evenly.

"Shitty," was my terse answer. "I've become a guest in my own house."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. And guests have to leave at some point," I said. "I left, Liv. I left. I've left my wife."

She sat and watched me quietly for a minute.

"I'm sorry, Gary, I really am, but … what in the hell is going on with you two?"

"I have no earthly idea. I really don't. I love her, but I don't like her very much right now. It's hard for me to come to terms with this. I have no clue what's happened. I have absolutely no idea what I've done. She's pushed me so far away I can't see us ever closing the gap. It's like I'm dead to her."

Liv sat, drumming her fingers softly on the tabletop, looking at me.

"I don't know, buddy. I don't know what to tell you, but you're a smart guy. You do great things with numbers."

I felt a buzz in the back of my mind.

"Uh, what?"

"I'm just saying. It's a shame something like what you're going through doesn't come with data so you could do a fast Fourier transform or whatever to find your answer."

I was stunned. I sat there and stared at her for several moments because a flashbulb brighter than a bolt of lightning popped in my brain.

"Oh, shit … Oh. Holy. Shit."

"What's wrong?"

"Um, could you … Oh wow. Just … could you⁠—"

"Jeez, Gary, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"Liv, you've given me an idea. Would you close the door on your way out?"

"Is that your way of politely asking me to leave?"

"Oh. Sorry," I said, looking sheepish. "Yes, please."

I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it. How could I have been so ignorant? I needed to find Time Zero. Something happened. Of that there was no doubt. But when ?