The Pleasure Ledger Pt. 01

There was some distant mumbling, it sounded as if she was holding the phone away to review my text on her screen. "Ah, the BMW. I rebuilt the engine some time ago. That's my first car, it has been with me for more than 25 years. It was a good deal when I got it, it never let me down, and now it's a classic. Modern cars just can't keep up with the style, don't you think?"

I smiled in agreement. "Does it suffice to say I have a VW in my garage? A Bug?"

"Really? That's great, I love those! How come I never saw a picture of it?" She sounded genuinely enthused.

"Uhm, because I'm looking for someone for me, not for my car?"

Her laugh was highly contagious. We've been talking only for a few minutes so far, but it didn't feel like it. It was more like talking to an old friend.

"Fair point, I guess. I'd like to see it, though."

"Well, if you ever will, it will not be on a photo."

She stifled a laugh, "you really do like using my own words on me, huh?"

"Just saying. It's true, though."

"Ok, so we'll get to that later. What else have we got... friends... sports... drinks... close enough for now... home, yes. I'm not much into gardening, but I do have a hammock, and I love it for reading. I guess the only thing where you were completely off was music. I don't like Jazz at all."

"Well, what do you like then?"

She took a deep breath, and her voice became a deep growl as she held the phone some distance away and shouted, "HEAVY METAL!"

We both laughed at her performance. I beamed; it was yet another match. "Really? Well, what do you think of the latest Amorphis album then?" I asked, taking a shot in the dark.

"'Queen of Time'? Oh my God, I love it! 'Daughter of Hate' must be my favorite!" came her immediate reply.

And that took us off on a trajectory. We rattled through our favorite bands and albums, added recommendations when one of us didn't know an artist, and discovered that we had been at the same concerts at least four times over the past couple of years. Time flew by, and before I knew it, it was half past ten. The lack of sleep from the previous night, the emotional roller coaster during the day and a long work week finally caught up with me.

"Letitia, I'm sorry... I love chatting with you, but I really need to call it a day."

"No worries, I feel you."

"Well, when can we talk again? What are your plans for the weekend?"

"Oh my. I need to run some errands tomorrow morning and get a few things ready during the day. Sunday is my brother's birthday, so that needs some preparation, and it will be a full family day."

"That sounds like a lot of fun. Also, busy."

"Both correct."

When I asked her, I had another phone call in mind at first, but I decided to be bold. "It also sounds like you're open for dinner tomorrow."

"What?" There was a surprised laugh, she had not seen that one coming. It felt right to have asked, though. After a moment of thinking she asked, "You know, I think I can make that work. Do you have a place in mind?"

In fact, I did. I didn't know where exactly she was from, but her area code was to the east and one of my favorite places was roughly in that direction. "You're not vegan, right?" I asked.

She snickered, "oh hell no. In a family of engineers? Are you out of your mind?"

"No offense. Have you ever heard of 'Peter's BBQ & Grill'?"

"I've heard of it, never been there, though. Where is it?"

I gave her the address and she concluded, "that's like a half-hour drive for me, not too bad. Count me in."

I couldn't hide my enthusiasm. "Woohoo! Would seven work for you?"

"You're so sweet. Ok, I'll see you at seven tomorrow, then. Should I hold on to a red rose or something, so you'll recognize me?"

"I don't think that will be necessary as long as you don't shave your head."

She laughed out loud, "like that's ever going to happen! See you tomorrow, good night!"

"Sleep tight!"

And that was it. What had just happened? A few text messages, and now an almost three-hour phone call that could have gone on for who knows how long. It was like yesterday, I didn't know where to start, and now, I didn't know where to stop.

The King

I was still tired, so tried to file that away until the next day. I went to bed and immediately dozed off and slept like a log. After a hearty breakfast, I busied myself around the house to make time pass more quickly, but it still felt like ages before it was finally time to get ready.

I showered and shaved, then put on a new pair of blue jeans and a black long-sleeve shirt. Not too formal, but not too casual either. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I'm 6'3" and my jeans have a 36" waist. I am certainly no Hugh Jackman, but I was content with what I saw. I'm neither running marathons nor am I a couch potato. My dark hair was starting to show obvious streaks of gray, which I didn't mind, even if it felt a bit premature. I smiled.

The weather was great outside, and I had plenty of time, so I decided to leave early and make the trip in my trusted Volkswagen. I stayed on the smaller country roads, and my already great mood improved even more with every mile I drove.

'Peter's BBQ & Grill' shared its parking lot with a mall that was big enough that there was a traffic light at the intersection. There wasn't much traffic, but the light was red for me. I stopped before making my right-hand turn since there was a car coming from the left. As it passed in front of me, my heart skipped a beat: it was a BMW, and not just any old one, but the classic I had so often seen on pictures before. I followed closely behind and managed to park only few spaces away.

I locked my car and walked over to hers just as she got out and straightened her clothes. The first thing I noticed, obviously, was her hair. It looked to be even more than on her photos, and it seemed to have a mind of its own. It looked wild, but it also looked great. And it perfectly framed a freckled face with an impish grin on it. Laugh lines framed her playful green eyes. I couldn't tell if she was wearing any makeup, which meant that if she did, it was done impeccably.

She was wearing a purple turtleneck sweater over cream-colored three-quarter linen pants. I had an idea of what she would look like, but to see her in real life was just breathtaking. Her clothes fit her figure perfectly, they were neither too revealing nor too conservative. Needless to say, her shoes and nail polish matched the sweater. She winked at me, bent back down into her car and came back with a cream-colored jacket and a black purse that went with her belt. It was classy. I suddenly felt seriously under-dressed.

Taking a step closer now that she was ready, I greeted her. "That's a nice car, you must be an engineer."

"Gee, who told you?" she replied joyfully. Then she glanced over to my VW. "That's a nice car as well, so you must be... well, I have no idea, but I guess I'll find out, huh?" she winked at me disarmingly. Her voice sounded even better in person than it had on the phone. I admired her confidence.

I turned around and held out my elbow. She hooked her arm into mine, and we walked to the entrance. There was a long line and I heard someone yelling, "Reservations, anyone? Waiting time is at least 45 minutes!" Fortunately, I knew this place was usually packed, especially on weekends, so I had called ahead as soon as they opened. We were a few minutes early, but when I gave my name to the waitress at the entrance, she immediately led us to our table.

Going to Peter's place on special occasions was a family tradition for me. It was one of the pricier restaurants in the area, but it was well worth it. Not a franchise, but owner-operated. The layout was spacious with lots of decoration that gave the place an antique feeling, somewhere between a British pub and country club. Consequently, even when full, the ambient noise level was rather low so you could talk normally. The tables were set far enough apart to grant a comfortable level of privacy, and the staff didn't chase you out once you were done eating. Last but not least, the food was top-notch.

Our table was off to the side, in a niche next to a window. It was situated so that even though the other nearby tables were occupied as well, we had our own little private space. After a short smile when we sat down, Letitia immediately started to study the menu. I, on the other hand, couldn't help but study her. After a while, she glanced up and asked, "what?"

That almost made me jump, and I realized I must have been staring. "I'm sorry, I just had to look at you. You're gorgeous." She visibly blushed when I said that.

"Oh my, thank you." She looked me over and, leaning forward in a conspirative manner, added with a wink and extra husk in her voice, "well, you don't look like a truck yourself, young man."

"Haha, thanks, I guess?"

She looked around. "I take you've been here before?"

"Yes, many times. One of my favorites."

"It certainly is a nice place. I've heard good things about it. So, what do you recommend?"

We discussed menu options, and as the waitress arrived a little later, she did a fantastic job of outlining options, refining our order, and suggesting matching drinks. When we were on our own again, Letitia started, "so I take it tonight is my turn to ask? I'm not very good at guessing so I'll just go with 'tell me about yourself'".

I gathered my thoughts for a moment and then gave her the five-minute version of my CV, skipping the boring details of my job. I was project manager and heading a team just like she was, just in IT, not in engineering. I talked a little about my family, added what kinds of books and movies I liked, and mentioned being an amateur photographer.

She listened closely and asked some questions here and there. We determined that her company was in fact a customer of my company, but in a different department. I only knew because I had seen the logo on slides. The world is a small place after all.

"You know, this is almost getting a little scary. The parallels, I mean" she concluded. I waited for her to go on. "Jobs, music, classic cars, reading... there's no hidden camera here, right?"

I laughed. "I hope not, but I can see your point."

After a short break while the waitress brought our starters, I asked, "so, what brings you here?"

"You asked me out and I said yes?"

"No... well, yes, but that's not the point. I mean, why are you looking for someone in the first place, instead of being happily married with seven children, if you don't mind me asking?"

I caught her with a full mouth, so she almost choked from laughing. "Oh my, seven? Seriously? Do I look like Snow White?" She took a moment to contemplate, then her expression turned sober, almost sad, when she continued.

"Ok, so this is personal, right?" I simply nodded to confirm I was aware and would respect that. She sighed. "I was married, once. I don't know about Snow White, but I did feel like a princess at times. Doug certainly was my king. We met at high school, married when I was 21. Our son Daniel was born shortly after. Amanda came two years later. Doug worked in real estates; it was his calling. He was amazing at it; he was in high demand and had unbelievable connections. He found the perfect house for us."

I realized Letitia seemed to have lost her appetite. She was looking down at her plate and pushed a piece of lettuce around but didn't eat. She remained quiet for a while. I felt it was best to just wait.

When she looked at me again, there was a tear running down her cheek. She really tried to hold it together, but her voice trembled when she went on. "He got cancer. He never smoked, rarely drank, but still, the lung... he passed away ten years ago. The kids were 10 and 12. It was devastating."

Letty cleared her throat and regained her posture somewhat. The waitress came by and quietly collected the plates, which gave her another moment.

"Anyway... we were well-settled financially, so I worked half-time and raised the kids. It was hard at first, but we got along. I know it's silly, but I felt guilty. I always wanted to give my kids a 'complete' family. Wanted them to have a father, especially Daniel. So, eventually, I went looking. I found someone. Jeff. He was not perfect, but likeable, and initially got along great with the kids. After a year and a half, we married. Daniel and Amanda had some concerns, but I didn't listen. I should have. Jeff changed. He started to drink and became abusive. Not physically, but verbally."

Letitia's mood had visibly changed from sadness to anger. "Eventually, the kids had enough of it and set me straight. We threw him out. The divorce got ugly, but my attorney was better than his. At least it was over. That was six years ago. Water under the bridge."

Her mood changed again. "I still miss Doug, though. I still love him. He's the father of my kids, and he will always be my king." She teared up again. "I need you to know that, and I need you to respect that."

Her story had left me quite emotional as well. I assured her, "I'm so sorry. I will, I promise."

We were interrupted again by the main course arriving. It looked and smelled so fantastic, we forgot everything else and just enjoyed the food for a while. Eventually, between bites, she went on.

"Anyway. Daniel, Amanda, and I agreed that the three us was all the family we needed, and we went on from there. Daniel just turned 22. He's a carpenter. He's amazingly talented and really smart. I guess it won't be long before he's running his own company. He moved out a year ago. Actually, his place isn't far from here. Amanda, on the other hand, got accepted into a university on the other side of the country and aims for a degree in physics. She just started, but I doubt she'll leave with anything less than a PhD." With a laugh, she added, "when she talks about her studies, I don't understand a single word. Makes me feel dumb as a brick."

"You're not," I objected.

"Well, wait until you meet her."

"Your kids sound amazing."

"They are. And that's about it. I've been an empty-nester for almost a year now. And I'm really enjoying it. But now that I'm on my own, I also realize that every now and then, some company would be nice." She looked around the room, with a dreamy expression on her face.

Suddenly, she turned back to me. "Oh my, listen to me. I sound like a Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan movie." With a more serious undertone, she went on, "look, Travis, just to be clear: I am not looking for a relationship or anything like that. I have a great family and great friends. I'm not lonely. But if you scratch my itch, I'm willing to scratch yours."

I didn't say anything for a moment, that last sharp turn in the conversation had thrown me somewhat off balance.

"Sorry, that might have come across a little too blunt," she apologized, "but, you know... I didn't want to give any wrong impressions."

"That's ok. First of all, I liked your story, so thank you for sharing that. I bet that wasn't easy."

"No, it wasn't. But it felt good to share it with someone."

The Princess

She gathered herself for a moment. "Now you owe me. Which dragon did you fail to slay so that you missed out on the 'happily ever after' part?"

I chuckled. "That's a nice way of putting it. Turns out, there's a dragon and a princess involved."

"I'm listening."

"Ok, so the princess' name is Stacy. My high school sweetheart. We were inseparable. We finished school together, then went to the same university, so naturally, we shared an apartment. We had a fantastic time with many great adventures. Before long, everyone around us was constantly probing when we would finally get married and have kids and such. It seemed natural to everyone that was the way it was meant to be. But 'settling in' wasn't on our minds. We got along great, we loved and respected each other, but somehow, we both knew that this wasn't 'it'. In fact, we often discussed marriage and children and seriously considered committing, but there were always doubts. Inevitably, the doubts eventually grew bigger, and we started drifting apart without noticing at first. You never do. We were forced to take a decision when she finally got a job offer that she worked very hard for, and that meant everything to her. I, on the other hand, wasn't ready to give up my life here, my job, my friends. She saw that. We both knew it. We had been an item for more than nine years, almost ten, but we agreed it was time to move on. Sounds melodramatic, but actually, it wasn't. I wouldn't want to miss a single day of those ten years. We still respected each other and unraveled our ties without a single mean word ever said."

Now it was my turn to look directly into Letty's eyes. "Stacy and I managed to stay friends after that. Contrary to popular belief, that actually does work. We're still in touch. She's still special to me. She's happily married to a great guy, Chris, and they have three hilarious kids. We write each other, and we still meet once a year for Thanksgiving. It was Chris who asked me to be their youngest one's godfather."

"That's so sweet. I'm so happy that worked out for you!" she squealed in genuine approval.

"I know, right? So, you have your king, and I have my princess."

Letitia gave me a long, inquiring look. But it wasn't a disapproving look. It was curious, understanding, comforting. It was a strong bonding moment, and we let it settle while dessert was served.

"So, where does the dragon come in?" she inquired.

"Haha, that one. Ok. So, after Stacy was gone, I was on my own for some time. Then I met Rebecca. We totally hit it off, everything was fire and flames, in all the best ways. She moved in with me after a few months, we spent two great years together, and I was about to pop the big question."

"Then what happened?"

"Well... let's get back to Stacy for a moment. We spent a long time together, and we really enjoyed" -- I lowered my voice to a whisper for the next word -- "sex. When it came to that, Stacy liked to experiment and was rather... let's say, open-minded. Or creative, if you prefer. In any case, she opened some doors that are hard to close once you walk through. I've come to really like some of those ideas, as you might now from the boxes I checked on the 'Pleasure Ledger'. It was clear to me that if I spent my life with someone, I wanted them to share that. Because it's a part of me."

"Let me guess, Rebecca didn't?"

"You have no idea. When I eventually told her, she completely freaked out, and that was the end of it. I'll spare you the details, but it was appalling. When it came to women, I avoided anything more than small talk for years. It certainly made me rethink my priorities."

"Ugh. How long ago was that?"

"The breakup? Five years and change now."

"And now you're looking for someone who is... creative and open-minded, is that what you said?"

I chuckled. "Yes, exactly. Company. And for the record, we're on the same page when it comes to relationships and scratching itches."

She smiled a warm, welcoming smile. Still, there as some anticipation in her voice as she asked, "And would you like for me to be that company?"

I didn't even realize I reached out and took her hands into mine, they kind of did that all by themselves. "Honestly, right now, I couldn't think of better company than you."

We just sat there and held hands for a while until the waitress came by again. We didn't talk much after that, each of us lost in our own thoughts. On the parking lot, we said our goodbyes. It was a bit awkward as we couldn't decide whether to hug or not, and in the end, didn't. She promised to call me the next day after her brother's birthday party was over, which might be late despite it being on a Sunday, and then we parted ways. I was smiling the whole drive home. Was this a dream?