The Question of the Sensual Male

What is Male Sensuality?

Not Sexuality. It isn't hard to talk about Male Sexuality. In the western world Male Sexuality revolves around a man's penis and the perceived strength that comes from it. A penis is invasive, aggressive. It penetrates, it is hard and strong. These are, by no coincidence, the same words used to describe male sexuality. A sexual male is thought to be strong; he has broad shoulders, a muscled body, a ten inch penis that spits out gallons of semen every time he ejaculates and whatever his personality was before his sexual awakening, he is confident and dominant afterwards.

A sexual woman, by contrast is not defined by her biology. Certainly the size of her breasts and the width of her hips might hint at a biological connection to sexuality as part of an evolutionary imperative, but in general a sexual woman is better understood in terms of sensuality: She is alluring; she is soft, comforting, welcoming. Generally speaking, a sexually awakened woman is sensual and submissive.

To put it another way, "Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about Power." (Oscar Wilde) This is the dichotomy of sensuality and sexuality I wish to explore.

A sexual man is powerful. A sexual woman cedes power and is sensual. A sexual being is the one who expresses power while a sensual being is the object upon which that power is expressed. That is, a Sexual being is typically the one who acts, while a sensual being is typically acted upon . Sexuality is active and sensuality is passive. A sexual being seeks to touch while a sensual being asks to be touched. A sexual being is idealized in actions: caresses, kisses, and similar expressions of passion. A sensual being on the other hand, is idealized as sensations: silk sheets on bare skin, a gentle whisper of breath, the smell of THAT perfume, or lacy lingerie. Sensuality is an invitation to experience while sexuality desires to experience. It might be better to say that a man is powerful and sexual, while a woman is seductive and sensual.

Notice that it is possible to express female sexuality without using words associated with power, but it is difficult to do the same with men. This is especially true in erotic fiction.

That being said, there are clear examples of women who are sexually powerful. I do not mean the dominatrix, although she certainly falls into the category. There are women, who are absolutely feminine, sensual and all the rest, and are still primarily categorized as dominant, strong, and sexually powerful. Or else a woman who is powerful in her ordinary life - a CEO of a company for example - is a caricature of submission in the bedroom. This is considered normal enough that a powerfully sexual woman is not an extraordinary character type.

What then of the man who desires sensuality, for himself? Is it possible for him to to do so without falling into a caricature of femininity that comes from cross dressing and feminization? Can a man be sensual; can he invite sensual experience, and still be a man?

To be clear I in no way wish to deride the characters of cross-dressing and feminization erotica, nor do I wish to engage in any kind of kink-shaming. I do not seek to redefine gay men or bisexual men as deviants or as men who had no other option to express a desire to explore sensuality. I ask this question because I am a straight, cis-male in a committed relationship looking for an answer I have yet to find. I have engaged in enough fantasizing and sexual exploration in my life that I do not doubt my gender identity or orientation. I'm drawn to cross dressing and cross dressing characters as well as to bisexual male characters simply because of this question of sensuality. However, I also find that I struggle to explore the question in my own life because cross dressing doesn't do it for me, and my wife would strenuously object to bringing someone else into the bedroom (as would I - we are both very possessive).

Where this leaves me is in a place where it is important to redefine gender roles not only as something separate from gender identity, but separate from any concept of gender at all. To call someone a "Man" or a "Woman" is to identify them with a pronoun that does not have to be tied to their understanding of their role.

Consider a married couple who both have homosexual fantasies. They can explore these fantasies with a combination of cross dressing and toys, or they can pursue extra-marital affairs, with the knowing consent of their partner or not. In the first instance, it is easy to see how the story would play out in erotic literature: one or the other would eventually come to enjoy their alter ego more than their natural one and begin a longer process of conversion. The latter example offers additional nuances of bringing in permanent new partners, renewed marital attraction, and so on. In both instances however, the stereotypical gender roles - the powerful, sexual male and the seductive, sensual female - remain intact. Their roles might change within the context of their marriage, but most likely it would still be within the same framework: seduction and sensuality remain with the female or female identifying, while power and sexuality remain with the male and male identifying.

Consider the same married couple. They try cross dressing and the husband discovers that it isn't dresses and being female that he enjoys (regardless of whether or not he enjoys those acts), so much as he enjoys being the object of someone else's sexual fascination. Similarly the wife doesn't really enjoy being with women (at least that isn't the driving force behind her fantasy), but she does enjoy being the aggressor and initiator. She enjoys being powerful. How then does the husband invite his wife to be fascinated with him? How does the wife respond? We can still include homo-erotic elements as well as other exaggerated fetishes and explorations, but the core of the story really is about a key role reversal: the man desires to be the object of a woman's sexual fascination.

In other words, the man desires to seduce a woman without over-powering her.

What does that story look like? He can't dress in short skirts and give her flashes of the tops of his garter. He can't take her to dinner and press himself into her either. The first is unrealistic because maybe he knows he doesn't look good in a skirt. The second is difficult because he isn't inclined to dominance, or else perhaps the woman in question doesn't respond well to typical male sexuality especially when she wants to be the one to exercise power. He must seduce her, or he desires to seduce her. He wants to invite her to think of him first as a sexual fantasy and then only later as a potential fantasy fulfillment. At the same time, the gender identities remain the same, even if their orientations and preferences are able to grow and change.

This is what I mean by the question, 'What is male sensuality?' Perhaps it is better expressed as "How does a man express sensuality?" and how do we, as erotic authors, explore a fundamental power reversal without demeaning any of the characters?