The Red Planet

I was too surprised to respond.

"And then another check after you accepted my application," she continued. "On the search history for your IP address. Just so I could make sure you weren't into anything weird like My Little Pony fan fiction or, you know, folk music. And now that I'm saying it out loud this all sounds terrible, like I'm some sort of paranoid nut who doesn't have any boundaries. But then that's not really fair, because it's so risky for a woman to move into some dude's apartment when she barely knows him. And I really didn't want to wind up as some violence against women statistic. I get that most guys are too self-centred to notice their roommate exists, and some of them are genuinely good people. But most of the women who get raped or assaulted know the dude responsible. Because it's always a dude. And half the time it's the same dude they're living with. Which, again, makes moving in with some random man a bit scary. Also, you don't even have a VPN, which is just crazy in this day and age. I'm setting one up for the apartment tomorrow ... and I'm babbling again, so I'm going to be quiet and hope that you're not planning to make me move out now."

Rose looked worried. Like she actually thought I'd throw her out.

"So how did I stack up?" I asked, genuinely curious.

"What?"

"On a scale of one to spending my free time brushing the hair on an antique doll collection, how weird am I?"

Rose smiled as she realised my question had waved off her invasion of my privacy.

"A solid four. But I probably still would have applied if you were bidding for antique dolls on eBay. In my book that's only a seven. Unless the dolls have human hair." Her hand reached out and squeezed my forearm. "Thanks for being cool about this."

"Well, how could I stay mad when you've volunteered to clean the apartment for the rest of the month?"

Rose fixed me with a good-natured glare.

"Tell you what. How about I level the playing field. You get to ask me two personal questions. Deal?"

I tried to play it cool, but nodded so rapidly I almost gave myself whiplash. I'd never had an invitation to ask a girl personal questions before. The sun had finished setting and it was getting harder to see. But there was just enough light for me to make out Rose rolling her eyes, and a wave of her hand to hurry me along.

"Since you know what I've been looking at on the web, what was the last thing you bought online?" I asked.

Rose laughed for a second then turned pale as something occurred to her. She swallowed, before raising a finger to her earlobe and tilting it towards me. A flash of silver in the moonlight showed a five-pointed star dangling from a crescent moon pinned to her skin.

"Well, the second last thing I bought were these earrings," she said. "I figured you might have thought they were cool or something during the inspection, that maybe they'd give me an edge if you had other applications."

I hadn't noticed them at all. Probably too distracted by the way she'd almost mooned me checking the kitchen cupboard storage space. I waited for her to finish rolling her eyes at my obvious lack of perception before I spoke.

"They're pretty cool, I guess. But I'd have been way more impressed if you'd got some of those earrings that show constellations. You can get a pretty good version of Scorpius with crystals or even engineered diamonds in it so it twinkles during the day instead of at night. And they'd probably be a great conversation starter for when you meet new people."

For the first time since she'd come arse-first into my life, Rose appeared lost for words. When she still hadn't said anything a minute later it occurred to me I might have said something wrong. Panic. My mind started racing. It had been going well. How did I put her off? What did Greg say to do if I got into trouble?

"I could show you heaven, if you like." I blushed almost as soon as the words came out of my mouth. "I mean, the constellations in the heavens. I could show you those. Scorpius will probably be out when we're on our way home. So you can see what I'm talking about for the earrings."

Rose smirked.

"Deal," she said. There wasn't the slightest hint if she was responding to my accidental pickup line, or the offer to show her the stars. "So, next question?"

I shook my head.

"The bar is just up here," I said. "Besides, you never answered my first question. What was the LAST thing you bought online?"

Rose chewed on her lip for a moment, finally answering as I held open the door for her.

"The last thing I bought online almost landed on your foot when the bottom fell out of that box in my bedroom earlier," she said. I never got the chance to see her face as she disappeared inside, but I could hear the embarrassment in her voice.

I took a moment at the door to recover from the surprise revelation. It was starting to weigh heavily against my arm as I looked up at the name above it and snorted a quiet laugh. Rose had just admitted to buying a sex toy as she stepped into Vince's Good Vibes Bar.

She had a pair of shots waiting on the bar, immediately pulling me in close as she spoke in an urgent whisper.

"This is how this goes," she said. "You've been my roommate for all of five hours and I've already admitted I did a background search on you, and told you I bought a vibrator before I moved in. I am not saying another thing to you unless I can blame it on something. And since we're at a bar, that something is tequila. Are you in?"

I nodded. Rose seemed to relax a little, then slammed back both shots before I could move. She was already signaling for two more as the second glass landed back on the bar. We each downed a shot a moment later and Rose slid a few notes to the barman before leading me towards a table on the other side of the room.

"Now that we've established my internet search history is a lot more embarrassing than yours, how about I tell you some stuff about me to stop you thinking I'm a total freak?"

Rose's neck and cleavage were turning pink as she spoke, but she pushed on anyway. I shoved a menu across the table towards her and nodded.

"It's that or hide behind this all night," I answered.

She never even touched the menu.

"I'm in data analysis, which you know. But all the time I spend focused on Asia has really gotten to me and now I've got seeing the Great Wall of China on my bucket list. I also want to see Japan. And if I ever win the lottery I want to learn how to swim and sail so I can get a boat and just explore the islands off Thailand and Vietnam.

"I'm originally from up north, but love the climate here. The air is so much drier, and I wasn't built for humidity like they get back home. My last roommate was a trust fund kid studying her fourth useless degree, and she was only subletting a room in the apartment her real estate mogul mother was paying for so she could have some extra cash for booze and bad decisions. She hated having the aircon blasting all day, even though all the bedrooms faced west so it was always too hot for me to sleep late into the afternoon. Chronic sleep deprivation led to me getting addicted to the vending machine at work and upsizing my wardrobe. That and my roommate hated the smell of food cooking, so we always ordered takeout. Which means I'm really looking forward to getting back into cooking again. Speaking of which, I hope you like unusual recipes 'cause I'm a bit of a risk taker and that tends to come out in my cooking. Like peanut butter and honey s'mores. Trust me, they're awesome."

I nodded. They did sound awesome.

"Otherwise: I prefer dogs over cats, I can't appreciate any sport where the athletes don't break a sweat, and I know a whole bunch of police and military types through work. Which will only affect you if I wake up and you're watching me sleep or doing something creepy. Also, I hate folk music."

A waitress came over to take our order just as Rose finished her information dump. I was too busy frantically trying to store details away in my memory to pick up on the woman's exact words, but it was clear she thought we were on a date. Rose did nothing to correct that perspective as she ordered ribs and a side of onion rings. My favourite. To hell with Greg's pizza advice. We were already two shots into the night anyway. I ordered the same thing, with a different glaze on the ribs. Rose approved when I ordered us both a beer.

We talked TV and weather over the beers until a lull in the conversation turned into an awkward silence.

"Sooo... I don't suppose a few beers and a tequila shot have lowered your inhibitions enough for me to find out something embarrassing about you?" Rose opened her eyes a little wider as she asked the question. It was clearly a deliberate ploy to make herself look innocent. It hit me harder than the tequila or the beer.

"Well, they call me Mars because I wind up looking like the red planet whenever I walk up a set of stairs," I said. Rose didn't look impressed. "Or talk to a pretty girl for more than a few seconds."

It was as if my skin had taken my last words as a command. Just the first feel of it heating triggered a full-blown body blush. Rose was quiet for a moment.

"You think I'm pretty?" she asked.

My skin had inadvertently hit on my roommate. I started to stammer a response when two plates of ribs smacked down in front of us. The waitress seemed to realise my distress. Whether she'd heard the last part of the conversation and wanted to do a good deed for the day, or was just hoping for a healthy tip, she threw me a lifeline.

"You think it's hot in here too?" She asked, eyeing my red face. "Thank Christ. I thought I was getting early onset menopause. If I wasn't wearing all this makeup I'd be as red and bothered as you right now. You hold tight, I'm going to see if I can get the AC set a bit cooler before your date starts thinking she's making you blush."

She disappeared and I immediately set about fussing with my dinner. Again, Rose had done nothing to correct the idea that we were on a date.

"Wow. You must tip like an executive to get a rescue like that," Rose said. She munched through an onion ring before continuing. "But I'm not sleeping under the same roof as you until I've got some real dirt on you. What's the worst date you've ever been on?"

Easy.

"Fine," I grumbled, hoping she wouldn't see through my fake reluctance. "Back in college I was out drinking with some classmates. Anyway, it got to about midnight and it was just me and this one girl, Alison, left at the bar. Not planned, kind of an impromptu date-like occasion."

I left it unsaid that it was a lot like the situation Rose and I were now in.

"Alison was the kind of drunk that says whatever is in their head, and she asks me if girls were scared to date a guy my size: 'cause you look like you could flatten most girls into a pancake, like, one of those really thin French pancakes'. At the time I had the kind of confidence you get from a few shots of vodka and an energy drink. So I asked her if she'd ever wanted to be really thin and French. She laughed and put her hand on my leg, only I don't know if she'd even meant to. She seemed surprised to see it there too. Then she kind of grinned at me for a second like she was going to say something dirty ... and threw up instead. In my lap."

Rose slapped a hand against the table and tried not to laugh as she cleaned a rib bone with her teeth. When she finally spoke, I could still hear her fighting not to giggle.

"That's not uncommon for a random hookup," she said. "Guy says something witty. Girl figures to hell with it, I'm wearing clean panties anyway. Guy smiles at her and doesn't seem like he's a creep. Girl touches guy. And then there's an unexpected ejaculation and the guy goes home with gross, wet pants. Though this is the first time I've heard of the girl being the one who lost control and sprayed a load everywhere."

Rose clamped her mouth shut a second too late to stop the crude joke. It hung in the air between us, awkward as a mid-meal fart. A shrug of her shoulders and a not entirely forced laugh from me eventually got the conversation rolling again.

"So did you ever get a proper date?" she asked.

"Actually, that one got worse. I tried to put her in a taxi home, but she'd lost her wallet and I'd run out of cash so I had to go with her to pay the fare. She passed out on the way, and I wound up having to text some of our classmates to find out where to take her. I carried her up to her second-floor room only for her roommate to wake up and start yelling at me about date rape and roofies. I ran. Well, I walked out pretty quickly. Fast enough to tear my pants as I was lurching down the stairs, and then I had to walk home because no taxi would take me smelling like vomit without a pretty girl to share the ride. The worst part was, the next day the roommate reported me to campus security before Alison woke up. I wound up being called into the counselling office over the whole thing. I almost got expelled, even though Alison swore blind the whole thing was her fault."

Rose actually winced at the end of the story.

"That. Sucks. I feel like I have to apologise on behalf of women. Here's you being a decent guy and all you're getting back is vomit pants, and unsolicited guidance counselling. And those counsellors are complete tools."

I shrugged.

"It was OK. I can laugh about it now. Better a misunderstanding that I can get over in a day or so than something awful happening to Alison, right?"

Rose nodded hesitantly and thought for a moment.

"True," she said. "But that doesn't mean I can't do something to make it up to you. This is going to seem weird, but go with me on it. You've never had a female roommate before, have you?"

She wasn't asking, just observing. Her smile was just the right amount of dimples and teeth that I forgot to respond.

"Not a lot of experience around women, either, I take it?" she continued.

"What gave me away?"

"You leave the toilet seat up at the apartment. Not a big deal. Probably the kind of thing guys don't think of unless they've got a sister."

"Oh, sorry. I'll make sure I put it down in future."

"Like I said, no big deal. But that's what I'm going to do, to extend the olive branch to you from my fellow women who live in hope that there are decent men out there. I'm going to teach you how to be a decent guy."

Rose winked at me, then adjusted her blouse. The movement instantly drew my eye to her cleavage. When I looked up she was watching me. Busted.

"And we should probably do something about that," she said. "I don't know if I'm just special, but if you keep ogling women like that you'll get a reputation."

The red planet was in full glow. I could feel heat radiating off my cheeks. Sweat beaded at my temple and my stomach lurched. Day one and my roommate thinks I'm a perv. I mumbled an apology and tried to sink down behind my remaining ribs to hide. A hand caught mine and pulled me back upright, then partway across the table between us. Rose gave me a conspiratorial wink as she leaned in and lowered her voice.

"Relax, I've actually been enjoying the attention," she said. "The kind of guys I want to check me out usually don't give me a second glance, unless they're drunk. It's a nice ego boost to have a cute guy gawk at me, even if he does need to be a little more subtle. Which brings me to the REAL olive branch, from all of woman-kind to say sorry for how we have treated you: I'm cool with it."

I didn't follow. I couldn't work out why Rose was smirking. Then she rolled her eyes and pinched my chin between a thumb and two fingers, pulling down until I was looking at her cleavage.

"I'm. Cool. With. It. 'It' being the ogling."

After a few seconds she lifted my chin so it was square with her face again.

"But that doesn't mean you can go nuts, OK? I'm not always going to be in the mood to have you objectifying me. There are rules. The first is that you should always look me in the eye when you're talking to me, or any woman for that matter. I'll give you a signal if I'm cool with your eyes wandering."

Rose lifted her chin, pulled her shoulders back and crossed her arms beneath her breasts. I forced myself to keep looking her in the eyes, trying not to let the movements, the breasts jiggling in my peripheral vision distract me. After a few seconds she shook her head in exasperation.

"Women can be subtle, Mars. That was a signal. You have 10 seconds to stare at my breasts."

They were huge. Her crossed arms lifted them up, creating amazing curves where they disappeared behind the fabric of her top. The fleshy line of her cleavage being pressed together was incredibly sexy. I'd just begun to wonder if she was wearing the same pink and white checked bra when her hand lifted my chin again. My eyes were still wide when they found hers.

"They're amazing," I said.

Rose smiled.

"Flattery is a good strategy on you. You're very earnest. On to rule two. Don't be a creep. No sifting through my laundry, sniffing my bras or panties. I'm not saying you would, but do anything like that and I'm moving out, plus I'm telling your social media network about it."

I'd not even considered her laundry until she mentioned it. But the thought of sniffing unwashed clothes, Rose's or anyone else's, was instantly unappealing. My distaste must have shown on my face.

"Wow. You've never even thought of that, have you? You're so innocent. I love it. OK, rule three. No peeping when I'm in the bathroom or my bedroom. Private spaces are private, no matter what our arrangements are for the rest of the apartment."

I nodded.

"Last rule," she continued. "You can check out my butt any time I'm not sitting on it. Or any other part of me that's showing when I'm in the kitchen or living area and I'm not going to notice you checking me out. BUT, you have to pay attention. Take a mental note any time you think I look particularly sexy. And if I come back from a bad night at work, or tell you I need an ego boost, you tell me when and where I got your motor running. Got it?"

"You're not like other girls, are you?" I replied.

Rose turned back to face me.

"Nope," she said. "Also, you mean other women. High school guys talk about girls. You're an adult, women like it when you respect them enough to acknowledge them as one too. Now, it is 9.48pm on Saturday, if you can make it through a full week without breaking any of those rules, there'll be a surprise for you when the clock ticks over to the same time next weekend. Deal?"

I nodded, mind racing, but making sure I looked her in the eyes no matter what I imagined.

"Now, how about you give that waitress an exorbitant tip for bailing you out earlier and we see if there's a late movie on we can make fun of?"

I don't know if Rose forgot my earlier offer, but I did not show her the stars that night.

*****

The first week passed surprisingly quickly. Rose tended to go to work a bit earlier than me, so more often than not I was still in bed when she left. I usually made an effort to clean up the apartment, wash any dishes Rose left behind, and leave the porch light on before I left for the night.

Most mornings I got home to a cooked meal. The portion sizes were a bit small, but I figured they were enough given I was only going to bed afterwards. I tried cooking for Rose on Tuesday, but we both agreed I'd leave the kitchen to her after that. I could still just make out the smell of burnt fish fingers when I got home on Wednesday morning.

Rose was wearing the same workout shorts and tank top she'd had on the day she moved in. I treated myself to a long look while she rifled between the couch cushions.

"If you need some change I've got a jar in my room," I offered.

Rose flipped a cushion and ran her hand along the seam before answering.