All Comments on 'The Reluctant Journey Ch. 01'

"Consensual sex is a requirement and if you don't meet it there will be repercussions."

Is this general retarded or something? That's automatically non-consensual. He's like Arlington with all the lack of ethics, but no fucking brain.

You got my attention. Will watch for future chapters to see how things progress.

Great start. It's nice that you added a little roughness, I usually like the stories with a slow burn prior to an explosive climax...so to speak. I will be watching for your next chapter.

Interesting start, lots of possibilities. Good chapter.

This reminds me of The Hunger Games ~ except this story is told from "inside" the housing unit. Violence in everyday circumstances ~ going to meet a friend, or getting out of a car, or walking into a hospital, or standing in line at Wal Mart ~ is the Underlying Current everywhere these days. Our government relies on using the threat of violence (and often uses violence) in it's everyday operations.

You have a few errors of spelling and verb tense, but overall you're readable. I commend you on your First Try. You've got talent that, I hope, you'll continue to use. Thanks for writing this little tale.

Well done for you first submission! I have a strong suspicion that this is going to be one fabulous, well written, dirty story!

Okay, so maybe the term "Consentual Sex" wasn't the best choice. Perhaps a better term might be "Appear enthusiastic." But that was the only thing that blipped. The rest was really well written. The characters are developing nicely and the dialogue is very good.

I hope you write fast!

You clearly have a natural gift for story telling. Though, I must say, it also reminds me of the Hunger Games; but it's different enough to stand on it's own just fine. You've managed to develope several avenues for this story to potentially travel through, and all in just two pages! Plus, I can't even recall how long it's been since I saw so few typos! Bless you, child!! ;-)

Keep up the good work, darlin. . err, Darlin.

Sorry, that's what I usually say to all my female friends.

- D.S.

Yeah, that consensual thing. Of course we know it wouldn't/couldn't be, but I can see how HE might view it that way. If you are not clawing my eyes out you must be consenting, oui? As Cheap Trick sang-I want you to want me. (He did say mistress, not f*cktoy, again the twisted perspective).

I'm hooked.

Great stuff, and what a twist that the badass hottie is not the one she is meant for. Liking it a lot. Didn't remind me of Hunger Games at all, that's a very different concept, no? Can't wait to read more.

Very good writing! Great story, can't wait for it to get steamy but also enjoying the story, which is a nice combination.

I suspect what the first "Anonymous" person meant by the reference to the Hunger Games, is that it's a dystopian setting. Kinda reminds me of A Handmaid's Tale. Really nice setup for future chapters; looking forward to reading the rest!

I support all of the comments saying positive things about your story.

I do have some thoughts: try to be a bit more sparing with your descriptions of actions or responses. Sometimes, you seem to feel like you need to emphasize by repeating the description of the sentiment or action in a different way. Try to limit this redundancy. It can take a bit of bravery, to look at your work more objectively and critically, but if you can do so you'll make your story flow even better and make the experience even more enjoyable for your readers.

For example, here is what you wrote:

Malia wondered how her parents had managed to get her seven-year-old twin brothers out of the small home without waking her. However they'd accomplished the feat, she was happy that they had. She stretched out in the full size bed that she shared with her brothers and younger sister. She could lounge in the bed and enjoy the space for once.

And here is how it would have been improved:

Malia wondered how her parents had managed to get her seven-year-old twin brothers out of the small home without waking her. She stretched out in the full-size bed that she shared with her brothers and younger sister. She could lounge in the bed and enjoy the space for once.

You didn't need to have the sentence "However they'd accomplished...." because it was clearly expressed in that last sentence. It can be a bit irritating and slow the reader down, if too much redundancy occurs. Try re-reading this passage and see if you might agree (you might not; that's your prerogative, of course).

Another example would be your description of the wall that Malia ran into, who was in fact a bad guy, is a bit redundant, where you use metaphor but then describe the man giving detail that indicates he is massive; but we already have learned this via your metaphor. Trust your readers to form a 'picture' based on your metaphor.

An important aspect of good writing is to be able to cull your writing, and to not consider your words too precious. I think that these might be things you'll get the hang of, as you write more and gain more confidence in your writing. Do consider enlisting the help of an editor to review your story before you submit it.

Literotica is a great place to work on creative writing skills; it's a good opportunity to take advantage of free resources. Editing services for example, in the real world, aren't free of charge; but they are, here on Lit. Of course, with any volunteer editing service, some of the editors will be better than others so it's a good opportunity to try a few different volunteer editors' efforts and see if you find an editor you like. Take the time to do this and I bet you'll be glad you did, either in the short-term or the long-term.

There are so many good and strong points to your work. Keep writing!

@rexbrookdale

Thanks so much for your very insightful feedback. I love constructive criticism, especially laced with overall positive feedback :) . I find as I reread my own writing I second-guess quite a bit of it, though I don’t know if I would change your first example of redundancy (probably your correct diagnosis with me being too much in love with my own words). However, I would agree with the metaphor one. I haven’t gone through all my chapters again, but I think my attempts at metaphor exponentially decreased (if not completely disappeared?) after this example. The thing about this story is that frankly it was written on a whim, chapter by chapter. I had the briefest of outlines when I started, but my main incentive on writing the reluctant journey was to see if I could. This wasn’t necessarily my first attempt at writing, but it was the first thing I’ve ever had anyone read, and definitely the first attempt at anything close to erotica. I haven’t looked into an editor because this is very much a creative work in progress to me. I’ve learned a lot and had a lot of fun as I reach the end of the story, but before I would look into having someone edit this story I would want to go over it myself and probably change and fine-tune a lot. I’ve recently reread my first chapter and frankly it was kind of painful for me. But as I contemplate that reaction I’m glad because it means hopefully I’ve learned something and improved, if not in writing in general at least in writing for literotica. As I reach the end of this story and contemplate the next that I hope to publish on lit, I can look at all of the things that worked and didn’t work. I will definitely have a substantial portion written before I begin publishing, if not the entire thing. I will probably also enlist the help of an editor. I will avoid the ‘girl runs into a wall which turns out to be a man’ motif. :)

Wow what a spiel, but an in depth comment deserves an in depth response. Thanks so much for reading, I will definitely continue writing.

Looks good so far. Very dark. I'll keep going.

Can I just say that I read the critique on your sentence structure, and I disagree! I like your writing style. It's unique and I can "hear" you in my head. I love when characters become real and you are doing a great job. You are writing how she is thinking and feeling and it makes her come alive. I wouldn't change anything.

I totally agree with the previous commenter. I like the story and I love the way you write. It makes the people in it real. Can't wait for it to continue.

Paul

Cough, cough. I thought using the word 'consensual' was totally in order. Quite a few people thought it a misinterpretation. This is how it came across to me though:

He was telling her that her acting would have to be so convincing that it would fool anybody into thinking her acts were in accordance with her wishes. It made me hate him even more. I hope he catches cockrot.

Evebroughtanaxthistime

All I could think while reading this was “oh my gosh we get it, she’s a little girl, does Cain really need to say it in every single sentence?”

Like... it’s a good story so far... but lordy this is driving me nuts.