The Reluctant Journey Ch. 01

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"Take her downstairs to a cell. " The leader ordered.

The man carrying her brought her through a series of hallways, down some stone stairs, and through some more hallways. She looked around as much as possible and saw various prison cells. The man deposited her on the cold, hard floor of a cell. It was dark and she could only see the man's silhouette as he towered over her bonded form. The way he was looking at her made Malia uncomfortable. He squatted down to her level and she saw just how muscular he was. Now it was clear how he hadn't had any issues carrying her around. He had sandy blond hair that hung in greasy strands around his face. He smiled at her and she saw his teeth were cracked and eaten away in many places. She inwardly shivered and prayed for him to go away.

"Quite the pretty little thing, aren't ya." He moved his large hand to touch her cheek and she jerked her face away from his sausage like fingers. He angrily grabbed at her face again and held her by the jaw as he turned her head back and forth to inspect her. "You should be a little sweeter, girlie. You never know when the general's gonna get tired of ya. Throw you to us to enjoy. I bet you're real tight, huh girlie?" She tried to pull her face away from the repulsive monster, but his grip was too strong. "Me 'n the boys will fix that, soon as we get the chance." She clenched her eyes closed to escape his leering face, and he laughed at her.

"Vincent," another voice filled the small cell, Malia opened her eyes to see the driver of the SUV at the door to the cell. He had blond hair, cut close to his head, and striking blue eyes. The disgusting soldier that had been tormenting her stood quickly and faced the new man.

"Yes, sir." He replied, saluting the driver.

"I don't recall the general issuing orders to torment his captive?"

"No, sir. " Vincent looked scared; this new man was clearly a superior. The driver looked at him with disgust.

"Get out of here." He ordered and Vincent scurried off. The driver walked closer to where she sat. He started to walk behind her and she quickly tried to turn her body.

"Don't, " he ordered, placing a restraining hand on her shoulder. "Sit still and I can get this thing off of you." She sat completely still, wanting nothing more at the moment than to get the stupid straitjacket off. Her arms were aching from being in the same position for what had to have been hours by now. She'd lost track of time, but it had looked to be late afternoon when she'd been outside. The man unstrapped her and slid her arms out of the jacket. She stretched her arms in relief. He began to unstrap the ball gag as well. She reached up to take the slobbery contraption from her mouth. Her jaw was aching from all the abuse it had taken. She handed the gag to the man who was once again standing in front of her.

"Thank you." She whimpered. He nodded in answer.

"The general will be in shortly," he turned to leave.

"Who's the general?" she asked as she stood up, sick of people looking down to speak to her. He stopped and turned again to face her. He seemed to be contemplating how much he should tell her. For a moment Malia was afraid he wouldn't tell her anything.

"The man who brought you here, General Cain Malcolm. You, uh, spit at him as I recall." She thought she saw a brief hint of amusement in his features.

"What is he going to do to me?" She almost whispered.

He looked uncomfortable, "That, you will have to take up with him." He again turned to leave and was at the door by the time she could ask one more question.

"What's your name?" Malia thought Cain had said his name but she couldn't remember.

He looked like he might not answer her, but he did. "Finn. Finn Brantley." With that he closed and locked the cell door, and left.

The entire room looked like a medieval dungeon cell. The walls and floor were grimy gray stone. The door was thick, dark brown wood with a small barred window in the top. There was a dirty mattress lying on the floor in the far left corner. Malia's shoulder was throbbing, as was her hip and jaw. She looked over at the mattress but decided the floor was cleaner and sat in the middle of the cell. She brought her knees up to her chest and rested her forehead on them. She sat for what felt like forever. Once she wasn't able to sit still anymore, she paced back and forth around the cell.

Why did General Cain want her sister? He clearly had power and resources. What did he want with an eighteen-year-old medic in training? The slimy soldier Vincent alluded to a sexual purpose, but why Olivia? Sure, Olivia was pretty, but clearly the general didn't know what she looked like if Malia could take her place, and there were always prettier girls. It seemed like a lot of work for one girl anyways. There was also the fact that the general wasn't exactly lacking in attractiveness, he could probably have any woman he wanted.

Malia stopped pacing at this thought. She did not think he was attractive. She had his face etched in her mind and reviewed it. Sure he had strong bone structure and great coloring, but he was not attractive. Maybe if he was a different person. No! He wasn't a different person and to become attracted to the evil son of a bitch was a bad path to travel. She wasn't attracted to him because he wasn't a different person. She remembered his face as he threatened her father's life. No, she wasn't attracted to him.

As if he could hear her thoughts and feel her unease, Malia heard her cell door creak as it was opened and saw General Cain in the doorway. She instinctively backed up a pace. He slowly advanced with all the confidence in the world. She stood rod-stiff and glared at his annoying cocky face. He smiled, which was also annoying.

"No questions?" he asked tauntingly, crossing his arms across his chest. He had changed into a short sleeved black t-shirt and dark-washed jeans.

"Oh, are you feeling talkative?" She was so irritated with this man, so irritated that she wasn't really thinking anymore. She was supposed to be rational about this situation but her emotions were getting the most of her and though she knew it, there was nothing she could do about it. He had a full on grin at her remark, which egged her irritation on even more.

"Little girl, you are very slow to learn. However, you will learn." He paused, looking Malia up and down. "I require obedience. If you are obedient you will do just fine here, living a luxurious life that you could only have dreamed of before. It is extremely simple."

"Seems an awful lot of work for a glorified puppy, General."

"I have my reasons. You seem to be looking at this situation in the wrong light. You aren't a pet, you have a small purpose that will be filled and then you are free to reap the rewards of a certain lifestyle forever. You being chosen, little girl is more of a lottery winning than a prison sentence."

"What's purpose? Why me?"

He smirked. "I'm not much for conspiracy. You fit a demographic, but for the most part you were purely random. It could have been any eighteen-year-old attractive girl from your particular unit. Luck of the draw, I assure you. As for you purpose, it is simple. You are to become a mistress to my younger brother." His face was very matter-of-fact about his statement. As if it were completely normal to be told that she would be having sex with a stranger. Not just a stranger, but the brother of evil General Cain.

"What?" She couldn't even think of anything else to ask.

He was starting to get annoyed. "The details will come when the time comes. For now you will live here and soften up a little. Get used to the idea, little girl, because when the time comes you will fulfill your purpose. Consensual sex is a requirement; if you can't meet it you will not like the repercussions. Keep that in mind little girl. " He turned to leave, Malia still unable to come up with anything to say. Right as he reached the door he slowly turned back around and smiled his evil grin. "Oh, I almost forgot. I owe you a punishment."

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18 Comments
AnonymousAnonymousover 5 years ago
Lord

All I could think while reading this was “oh my gosh we get it, she’s a little girl, does Cain really need to say it in every single sentence?”

Like... it’s a good story so far... but lordy this is driving me nuts.

AnonymousAnonymousover 8 years ago
uhrm

Cough, cough. I thought using the word 'consensual' was totally in order. Quite a few people thought it a misinterpretation. This is how it came across to me though:

He was telling her that her acting would have to be so convincing that it would fool anybody into thinking her acts were in accordance with her wishes. It made me hate him even more. I hope he catches cockrot.

Evebroughtanaxthistime

AnonymousAnonymousover 9 years ago
Love your style.

I totally agree with the previous commenter. I like the story and I love the way you write. It makes the people in it real. Can't wait for it to continue.

Paul

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 10 years ago
Critical Readers

Can I just say that I read the critique on your sentence structure, and I disagree! I like your writing style. It's unique and I can "hear" you in my head. I love when characters become real and you are doing a great job. You are writing how she is thinking and feeling and it makes her come alive. I wouldn't change anything.

davinedavineabout 10 years ago
Justv started.

Looks good so far. Very dark. I'll keep going.

Darlin92Darlin92over 10 years agoAuthor
response

@rexbrookdale

Thanks so much for your very insightful feedback. I love constructive criticism, especially laced with overall positive feedback :) . I find as I reread my own writing I second-guess quite a bit of it, though I don’t know if I would change your first example of redundancy (probably your correct diagnosis with me being too much in love with my own words). However, I would agree with the metaphor one. I haven’t gone through all my chapters again, but I think my attempts at metaphor exponentially decreased (if not completely disappeared?) after this example. The thing about this story is that frankly it was written on a whim, chapter by chapter. I had the briefest of outlines when I started, but my main incentive on writing the reluctant journey was to see if I could. This wasn’t necessarily my first attempt at writing, but it was the first thing I’ve ever had anyone read, and definitely the first attempt at anything close to erotica. I haven’t looked into an editor because this is very much a creative work in progress to me. I’ve learned a lot and had a lot of fun as I reach the end of the story, but before I would look into having someone edit this story I would want to go over it myself and probably change and fine-tune a lot. I’ve recently reread my first chapter and frankly it was kind of painful for me. But as I contemplate that reaction I’m glad because it means hopefully I’ve learned something and improved, if not in writing in general at least in writing for literotica. As I reach the end of this story and contemplate the next that I hope to publish on lit, I can look at all of the things that worked and didn’t work. I will definitely have a substantial portion written before I begin publishing, if not the entire thing. I will probably also enlist the help of an editor. I will avoid the ‘girl runs into a wall which turns out to be a man’ motif. :)

Wow what a spiel, but an in depth comment deserves an in depth response. Thanks so much for reading, I will definitely continue writing.

rexbrookdalerexbrookdaleover 10 years ago
Good

I support all of the comments saying positive things about your story.

I do have some thoughts: try to be a bit more sparing with your descriptions of actions or responses. Sometimes, you seem to feel like you need to emphasize by repeating the description of the sentiment or action in a different way. Try to limit this redundancy. It can take a bit of bravery, to look at your work more objectively and critically, but if you can do so you'll make your story flow even better and make the experience even more enjoyable for your readers.

For example, here is what you wrote:

Malia wondered how her parents had managed to get her seven-year-old twin brothers out of the small home without waking her. However they'd accomplished the feat, she was happy that they had. She stretched out in the full size bed that she shared with her brothers and younger sister. She could lounge in the bed and enjoy the space for once.

And here is how it would have been improved:

Malia wondered how her parents had managed to get her seven-year-old twin brothers out of the small home without waking her. She stretched out in the full-size bed that she shared with her brothers and younger sister. She could lounge in the bed and enjoy the space for once.

You didn't need to have the sentence "However they'd accomplished...." because it was clearly expressed in that last sentence. It can be a bit irritating and slow the reader down, if too much redundancy occurs. Try re-reading this passage and see if you might agree (you might not; that's your prerogative, of course).

Another example would be your description of the wall that Malia ran into, who was in fact a bad guy, is a bit redundant, where you use metaphor but then describe the man giving detail that indicates he is massive; but we already have learned this via your metaphor. Trust your readers to form a 'picture' based on your metaphor.

An important aspect of good writing is to be able to cull your writing, and to not consider your words too precious. I think that these might be things you'll get the hang of, as you write more and gain more confidence in your writing. Do consider enlisting the help of an editor to review your story before you submit it.

Literotica is a great place to work on creative writing skills; it's a good opportunity to take advantage of free resources. Editing services for example, in the real world, aren't free of charge; but they are, here on Lit. Of course, with any volunteer editing service, some of the editors will be better than others so it's a good opportunity to try a few different volunteer editors' efforts and see if you find an editor you like. Take the time to do this and I bet you'll be glad you did, either in the short-term or the long-term.

There are so many good and strong points to your work. Keep writing!

AnonymousAnonymousover 10 years ago
Dystopian

I suspect what the first "Anonymous" person meant by the reference to the Hunger Games, is that it's a dystopian setting. Kinda reminds me of A Handmaid's Tale. Really nice setup for future chapters; looking forward to reading the rest!

January85January85over 10 years ago
Love it!

Very good writing! Great story, can't wait for it to get steamy but also enjoying the story, which is a nice combination.

evonnaevonnaalmost 11 years ago
Hooked.

Great stuff, and what a twist that the badass hottie is not the one she is meant for. Liking it a lot. Didn't remind me of Hunger Games at all, that's a very different concept, no? Can't wait to read more.

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