The Return of Jerry Lee

I told her that I would not allow her boyfriend to set foot in my house. If he tried, I would shoot him as a trespasser. If she wanted to be with him, she would have to go to his place. Furthermore, I would be keeping Lesley with me until I had proof that Jerry Lee could support the two of them.

She said, "You crazy asshole, this house is half mine. You can't say who can stay here."

I was ready for that. I showed her a photocopy of the house deed. It was in my name only. I said, "You have a lot of things wrong, Linda. This is just one of them. If you continue on this track, you will find yourself homeless and broke. My advice is to get rid of Jerry Lee as soon as possible. You need to come to your senses and accept what you have with me while I'm still willing to take you back."

She was flabbergasted. She did everything but foam at the mouth. I told her to feel free to file for a divorce but to be prepared for finding out that she wouldn't be able to get one. I warned her that it would cost them some big bucks to find out what I already knew.

She said, "Alright, smarty. Tell me why I can't get a divorce. We qualify since we've been together for seven years. Why do you think I made sure we stayed together that long?"

I said, "I'm not going to give you for free, information that I had to pay for. You go ahead and hire an attorney to handle your divorce application. Pay the big bucks and find out that you've wasted your money and seven years of your life, bitch."

She was livid. Jerry Lee came by a few hours later and she got into his truck and they drove away. She didn't attempt to take Lesley with her. I suppose she intended to be too busy with Jerry Lee to care much about her daughter. As they were driving away, I called a locksmith to do an emergency key change on every lock in the house, garage, and outbuildings.

Mary closed up her house and stayed in my spare bedroom. She devoted herself to caring for Lesley when I couldn't be at home. My attorney ran a background check on Jerry Lee and discovered some interesting facts. First, he didn't have an honorable discharge from the army. He had a general discharge which is tantamount to being fired. In addition, he had been convicted on drug dealing charges and spent time in prison. So, the time Linda spent waiting for him was not just when he was in the army. Did she know about the prison time? My guess is that she did.

I was worried about the influence Jerry Lee would have on Lesley. I needn't have worried. I found out from Mary that Jerry Lee didn't have any interest in having Linda's "bratty little girl" around.

Two weeks later, my lawyer told me that he had learned through the attorney grapevine that Linda and Jerry Lee had consulted with three different attorneys about getting a divorce. By now they knew what I already knew. I had obtained the facts about common-law marriages from an expert before I began living with Linda. It took a lot more than just seven years of cohabitation to qualify for a common-law marriage in our state. I made sure that we would not qualify no matter how many years we were together.

After all, it was Linda that refused to get married. If she didn't want to take the traditional route I'd be dammed if I would allow us to qualify on the common-law route. "Not gonna happen."

So, what did I have to do to make sure we were not qualified? First, as I mentioned, only my name was on the house deed. Also, we had no joint bank accounts. Her name was not on any of our bills. She had her car and I had mine. She had her title and I had mine. We had individual health plans. Lesley was on mine. We never represented ourselves as man and wife. Even our closest friends knew us as boyfriend and girlfriend just living together. In short, I made sure that nothing, and I do mean absolutely nothing, listed our names together or indicated that we were married. The only exception was Lesley's birth certificate. Unmarried couples were allowed to have children together. Go figure!

After her hopes of getting a divorce were shattered, Linda just disappeared. Two months went by without a visit or even a phone call from her. I couldn't believe that Linda would abandon her daughter like that. Lesley was way beyond upset. She cried every day. She missed her mom. I tried to comfort her but let's face it, I'm not her mom.

In the midst of these problems at home, I had to face a problem at work. My secretary, Fannie, announced that she would be retiring. Her husband had been diagnosed with prostate cancer. It was at stage four and the prognosis wasn't good. She wanted to spend as much time as possible with him while she could. They had places to go and people to see. She wanted to get started as soon as possible. I told her that I hated to lose her but I understood her reasoning. She promised to find me the best possible replacement for her.

Just before her retirement day, Fannie told me she had found her replacement. It was a woman about my age named Janet Long. She was reeling from a devastating divorce. Her husband had cheated on her and abused her. She was currently assigned to the secretary pool. Fannie said that Janet was a good fit for me in several ways.

It was only a few hours later when Fannie entered my office accompanied by the most appealing woman I'd ever seen. Fannie said, "Jim Jefferies, meet Janet Long. She's my choice for you from all of the women in the secretarial pool. I believe the two of you were made for each other. I've cleared your schedule for the rest of the morning and reserved some time for both of you to complete the interview process." With that, Fannie left the two of us together.

Both Janet and I felt a little surprised and embarrassed, but what choice did we have? We sat down for the interview. It turned into a long conversation during which we really hit it off. We learned a lot about one another. We were so comfortable together that we revealed more about ourselves than what would normally happen during a job interview. I learned about the struggles she faced trying to raise her son, David, by herself. She was blown away when I told her about the arrangement that Linda and I lived under and about the Return of Jerry Lee. She was very bothered by the news that Linda had all but left Lesley motherless. That led to a tear in Janet's eye.

I began to understand why Fannie said that we were meant made for each other. Our circumstances were a little different, but a lot similar. When Janet left my office an hour later, I immediately spoke with the manager and asked to have her assigned as Fannie's replacement. That marked Janet's last day in the secretary pool. She began training with Fannie the next day. She was wearing a smile that matched mine.

So, things at the office were going much better than things at home. Sixty-two days after she left, Linda was knocking on our door. I was out doing some grocery shopping and Mary was piloting the ship. She looked out the front window and saw Jerry Lee parked at the curb in his beat-up jalopy. He stayed in the car. Mary used the doorbell-camera speaker to talk to Linda.

"Don't be bringing that jailbird around your daughter. If you don't get him out of here right now, I'll call the police."

"Mom, I just want to see my daughter. Let me have five minutes with Lesley. That's all I'm asking for. I can't come over here unless Jerry drives me. He won't leave the car. Please, Mom."

"No way! You come by yourself and you can have as much time as you want with Lesley. You can call a taxi or an Uber and l will pay for it. You need to see your daughter and she needs to see you, but not with that asshole sitting out there. I don't trust him. Go away! Come back without him."

Linda was crying as she left. She called her mom later and said that she'd talked to Jerry Lee and he would only agree to let her see Lesley if I was out of the picture. He wanted to have the birth certificate changed to show him as the father. Mary said that if it were even possible to change the birth certificate, she was certain that I would never agree to do it. Linda said, "Mom, there's a good chance that Jerry Lee is the father. Those times when I claimed to be visiting my friend, Alice, in Arkansas; I was making conjugal visits to see Jerry Lee. Jerry Lee could well be her dad!"

Upon hearing that news from Mary, I got the necessary DNA testing done. Lesley was my daughter. After showing the proof to Linda, she said, "Well, you can't say I've never given you anything. As of this moment, I'm giving you Leslie. For your information, I'm pregnant right now and this one can only belong to Jerry Lee. I'll enjoy this one with my man. You and my mom will have Leslie to remember me by. Jerry Lee has a job in California and we will be out of here next week. I'll think of you guys every time it's snowing here while I'm sitting under a big palm tree in my shorts. Have a good life. I intend to have a great one."

On the first day that Janet and I worked together, I invited her to have lunch with me. She was hesitant. When I told her what had transpired with Linda and pointed out that Linda and I were never legally married, she relented. She would have lunch with me but she couldn't understand how Linda could leave Lesley like that. She said, "How could she leave without even saying goodbye? I could never treat David that way. I just can't wrap my mind around this whole thing!"

We had that lunch together and we began dating. She met Lesley and I met David. We usually had several dates during the week, one of which included all four of us. We had pizza dates, zoo dates, and participated in many other family activities. David and Lesley got along very well. Lesley had a big brother and David had a little sister. They liked each other from the beginning.

It was during one of those family dates when Lesley upset the apple cart. She said, "Janet, can I pretend that you're my mom? Can I call you Mom instead of Janet?"

There was a tear in her eye when Janet said, "You sure can! That would make me very happy. I already feel like you are my daughter and I love you just like I love David." Then Janet gave Lesley a motherly kiss on the cheek.

Nothing changed until the next week. We always took turns choosing where to go when we were eating out. Everyone could make suggestions but one of us got to pick. We had narrowed it down to two choices. I told Lesley that it was her turn to make the final pick. I asked her if she favored number one or number two. She said, "I choose number two because I know that Mom likes it best." I was speechless when she turned to Janet and said, "That's true, isn't it Mom?" Janet hugged Lesley and said, "It sure is! Thank you, honey." Janet's eyes were welling up as she added, "That's why you're my favorite daughter." Lesley responded with a big grin, "That's silly, Mom. I'm your only daughter!"

I said to myself, "I think I've struck gold."

Fast forward a few months. I'm in a familiar park sitting on a familiar bench with Janet. I was saying, "Honey, in my opinion when a boyfriend wants to become a husband, he should let his girlfriend know before he goes down on one knee and shows her a ring. After all, he's hoping that she will be wearing that ring for many years, so shouldn't she be allowed to pick it out? So, Janet, would you agree to go to the mall with me and do just that?"

She said, "This all seems very familiar. Didn't you tell me that something just like this happened between you and Linda? Wasn't it then that she told you she didn't want to get married? Wasn't that what led to your no-marriage 'arrangement' with her. Jim, knowing you, I'll bet it was on this very park bench that the two of you had that conversation.

"Well, Jim. That was then and this is now. That was Linda and this is Janet. Just like Linda, I don't need a trip to the mall with you. But unlike Linda, I will be happy to wear and cherish any ring that you offer me as long as it leads to marriage. Having said that, what you are offering me is so thoughtful and considerate that I will be very happy to take you up on your offer. I will be happy to go with you to the mall and I appreciate the chance to look at rings with you. Let's make the choice together just like I'm hoping we will make every major choice and decision together for all of the days that remain for us on this earthly plane."

We went to the mall together. We chose the ring together -- actually, I enthusiastically agreed to her choice -- and a few months later the two of us became one through the institution of marriage, which we both believe in, along with monogamy.

Epilog:

It's been years since the four of us ate that first pizza together. Now there are six of us. We've added another girl and another boy.

From the beginning, Lesley and David were quick to assume their roles as brother and sister. They get along magnificently. When little Gregg and Amy came along, big brother and sister welcomed them to our growing family with open arms and loving hearts. Little Amy and Gregg all but worship their big brother and sister. We're the perfect example of "all for one and one for all."

That's not to say that there's not an occasional problem, but when they arise, we solve them speedily and lovingly, together. Love wins over everything else!

As for Janet and me, we are past that crucial seven-year mark and there are no itches of any kind. We both remember the bad situations that we faced in the past. Her failed marriage and my failed 'arrangement' serve to remind us of how precious and rare our marriage is. We value every minute of every day that we have together. We are happy beyond belief.

So, what about Linda? Janet and I have often spoken about inviting her to important milestones like when Lesley graduates from high school and such, but when we bring it up, Lesley invariably says, "She didn't want me, so I don't want her. Janet is my mom and I don't need another one. Every time someone refers to Janet as my stepmom, I say that she's a big step in the right direction for me and my dad. I don't think of her as anything but my mom. She IS my mom and she's perfect. I have the best parents ever!"

It's been quite a while since any of us have spoken about Linda. That changed today. Mary called this morning to tell us that she had received a sad phone call a few minutes ago. It was from the police in Flagstaff Arizona. An eighteen-wheeler had crashed on a mountain road. The occupants, a husband-and-wife driver team, had died at the scene. They were identified as Linda and Jerry Lee Adams. A notification card in Linda's purse listed Mary Langley's name and contact information.

Yes, I did shed a tear or two as did Mary and Janet. When we gave the news to Lesley, she didn't cry. She shrugged her shoulders saying, "I hope she found some happiness in her ill-chosen life."

As I try to get some sleep tonight, I allow myself to think about the whole ball of wax. I'm suddenly aware of something very strange indeed. In retrospect, I owe all of the happiness that I have been blessed to enjoy with my wife and family to a fateful event that occurred long ago. Yes, I owe it all to The Return of Jerry Lee!

The End