The Safe Girl Ch. 04

He was becoming less of Surfer Brian and more of Nurse Brian as he spoke. "So its very cool to read to her and talk to her. There's evidence that many people in her situation can still hear and understand." He shrugged. "Not sure, but if I could hear someone while in her state I would want to hear it all the time."

He spread his arms and smiled, "So mi casa es tu casa . . . let me know if there is anything that you need dude."

I thanked Surfer Dude Brian as he left and settled into the chair to read to Jess. I found a lovely little heart warming story about how much Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie hate each other now. That would be lovely.

I no longer paid attention at all to the words coming out of my mouth. I only thought of her and her waking up and her standing up and her hugging me and her being ok.

+++++++++++

"Stephen, do you still think I am pretty?"

We were sitting on the back porch. The cool morning air surrounded us, but not cold, and the birds began their chorus of arguments or banter or cheering or whatever it is that birds are actually saying. I had of course fussed over Diane when we came out, practically cocooning her up in an afghan and making sure some hot tea was within arm's reach. She acted annoyed that I was doing all of that but whatever . . . I knew deep down she needed it.

I glanced at her. "Nope." She furrowed her brows as I grinned. "You are simply gorgeous."

She slapped my arm exasperated but giggling. "I am serious, Stephen!"

"Me too, sweetheart."

She sipped her tea for a moment, staring at the woods behind our house.

"When was the last time we had sex?" I practically choked on my coffee. Ok where did that come from?? Any sexual drive she harbored was completely taken by the cancer and the treatments, so it had been awhile. And that was OK. Frankly my mind presently focused pretty heavily on other things. I actually hadn't even thought of anything sexual in some time.

"I . .uh . . I am not sure." She nodded, not looking at me, holding her mug of tea close to her lips. "I couldn't remember either."

She finally looked at me, "but you still think I am pretty? You still are attracted to me?"

I leaned over and kissed her. "Very much."

She put on a smile. I knew that smile. It meant she wasn't satisfied with the answer.

"I loved it when you couldn't keep your hands off of me . . . " She spoke softly into her tea as she stared off again.

"Sweetheart . . ."

She reached over and grabbed my arm. "It's ok darling. I lost my . . . desire . . . .I just like to think I completely satisfy you."

"You do. Completely. Please know that."

She nodded and smiled again.

Crazy idea moment. Something I had never felt comfortable doing but if times like this aren't moments for crazy actions when are?

I stood up. "I will be back in a moment." She nodded, semi-lost in her thoughts.

I slipped inside, nervous and excited, as I started setting everything up. Stephen, this is stupid. She will kindly and sweetly tell me she doesn't want me to do it. Should I insist? Should I push her anyway? I was not comfortable with rejection and this could definitely embarrassingly result in that. Onward!

I needed to make sure it was very warm in the room, that it was very comfortable and a little bit of mood would be a good thing too.

About ten minutes later I was ready. I stepped out onto the porch. "Diane, come with me sweetheart."

She smiled but looked confused. "Can't I stay out here a little longer? It's very peaceful."

I shook my head and extended my hand. She nodded and took my hand. As she stood, I scooped her into my arms, holding legs and back. She let out a little eep in surprise, but this wasn't the first time I had carried her.

But at that moment, I noticed how much lighter she felt. She was never large, just womanly and a little curvy. I liked her that way. Now she was much slimmer. Not sickly per se, but she had lost weight. The treatment had given her a Sinead O'Conner look for a bit, but her hair started to grow back and now she wore it in a cute bob type of cut. Quite adorable on her. And her brown eyes and delicately featured face never looked prettier.

I carefully carried her through the house, up the stairs, to our bedroom. A second fireplace occupied one wall, so I had started a fire. We usually didn't use it because it honestly got too hot too quickly, but this honestly felt like just the right occasion. The fire wasn't roaring, but it was warm.

"Stephen . .?" She looked confused.

"You trust me, right?" She nodded. "Good . . then let me take care of you."

I laid her gently on the bed. "But I really can't . . ." she began what I already knew. I stopped her with a kiss. "It's ok, you don't have to do anything. Just be my muse."

And then I did something that I absolutely love to do: I slowly began to undress her.

She continued to look very confused. "Now I know you really don't have much of a desire for this kind of thing, but as I am doing this I might kiss you on a few places . . a lot . .well maybe everywhere." I grinned at her. "Just put up with it. I cannot help it." She nodded.

And so I began. I kissed her lips. In her weakness she was much more passive, and I didn't want to push her so I grazed my lips across hers. I just wanted her to feel desirable, which should be easy for me to convey since she was.

I exercised great care wherever I touched her. She got into the moment a little, closing her eyes. I think for her it was a matter of imagining and remembering rather than the actual physical contact.

Her shoes and socks off, I slid my hands up her jeans-covered thighs and found her button. "You really are going to keep going?" She almost looked amused.

"Can't help it. So yes." And then unbuttoned and unzipped her pants, slowly pulling them down. Her legs were more slender but still attractive. She had on standard cotton panties. I kissed her thighs and then brushed my lips once against her panties. I am pretty sure she was not in the mood for me to do more than that.

I slid her panties down, the brown stubble of her pubic area coming into sight. She lifted her hips with my help as I continued worshiping her.

I pushed her sweater and shirt up together, easily pulling them over her head. I kissed along her belly, her hips, the top of her chest as I unhooked and removed her bra, each nipple. I wanted her to know how much I wanted her. Still. I just walked the line of making sure she didn't get uncomfortable.

I then stood and moved around her, moving pillows underneath her to prop her up a little. The swell of her hip . .the roundness of her breast .. the firelight dancing across her skin. She looked perfect. And so I said it, "God you are beautiful."

She blushed. "Now Stephen, this was very different and I so very much appreciate it, but are you going to dress me now? I feel very out of place." She motioned to my full dressed figure standing in front of her.

"Ah right. Second phase."

I used the remote and turned on the CD player, playing some silly stripper kind of music and began to dance and undress in front of her. She giggled and even did an occasional woohoo as I finally pulled the last piece of my clothing off, my boxers.

And her eyes rested on what was revealed . . . something that made it obvious how attractive I found her to be .. how desirable she was . how pretty she was. My erection bobbed a bit in front of her and she smiled a sweet smile. She wasn't turned on. She was simply happy.

"Now we get dressed?"

"Nope."

"Um .. Stephen .. remember I really am not up for . ."

I leaned forward and kissed her to silence again. "Shh. . I told you. . you don't have to do anything but look sexy and perfect right there. Do you think you can do that?" She smiled and nodded, actually seeming to be very pleased. Good.

And then the moment came. I never felt such nervousness about stuff like this. She felt no sexual drive, but I knew at least in part what I had done was exactly what I had hoped. I wanted her to know that from the moment we met until this moment I wanted nothing but her . . and I saw her as completely perfect.

I knelt on the opposite side of the bed from her. I didn't want her to think I planned on involving her directly. I wanted her to feel comfortable.

And I reached down and grabbed my fully erect shaft. Her eyes popped wide, "Stephen??"

I put my finger to my lips and smiled as I slowly began to stroke. I let my eyes wander freely across my beautiful wife. Her long legs, her beautiful breasts, her belly, her pretty face, her full lips. She had this surprised look on her face, but she smiled. She liked me doing this. And honestly I got very turned on performing for her.

My eyes moved from her body back to her eyes. She was simply watching my face, such a sweet genuine smile on her face.

My hand moved faster, I felt the pressure building. I didn't need this to last long. Honestly the act unto itself was enough. As I moved closer and closer to a release I just remembered the many sensual nights we spent together. And she must have been too. I saw a small tear forming in the corner of her eye.

I had prepped by having a tissue nearby, so I quickly cleaned up after I had exploded.

"I want to hold you for a bit Diane. Please."

"I would be so mad if you didn't." She smiled.

And so the two of us laid in each other's arms, her head resting on my chest, her naked body slid up next to mine, my fingers running lines up and down her back.

"Great idea, Stephen . . . " Her breath tickled my chest hair. "Thank you."

I couldn't see her face. "Thank you sweetheart." I kissed her head as her arm pulled her body closer to mine. Her breasts pressed against my side, her thigh resting across my flaccid cock.

We laid silently for some time.

"I still don't have a sexual drive at all, but this is very nice." She was now looking up at me. I nodded in agreement.

"Stephen . . I know. . " She began but seemed to be having difficulty forming the words. "I can see you with someone after me, Stephen."

I felt the tears coming but shook my head.

She reached up and touched my face, "Stephen, I love you, and you love me. We know this. When I am gone, I want you to know that . . . I am ok with you being with someone else."

I couldn't speak. That was a truth that I wasn't willing to go to yet.

"Maybe you will not right away, maybe some time, but you are too amazing not to share with someone." I think she knew she could not get anything new out of me so she continued quietly. "I need you now but someone else will need you later, Stephen." And she kissed my cheek and hugged me tight.

+++++++++++

Brian slipped back in for his hurricane treatment. I had been reading out loud a rather boring article for work actually. I figured Jess wouldn't mind too much and I honestly still needed to keep up with some reading. As Brian entered I could tell he seemed none-too-impressed with my choice of reading, but shrugged and began his work.

"So, dude, how long have you two been .um. . together. . " He was motioning back and forth at Jess and I as he moved around the bed to check the monitors.

I glanced up at him, "oh we aren't together."

He raised his eyebrows, "oh really?"

"Right. We aren't dating."

"Is this the complicated part?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Well, you have been here for like 5 days straight, every day, all day long. You are here before me and you stay after me. And my shifts are long man." He continued talking as he worked through his routine. "There are two types of people who do that: loved ones like close family and people who are romantically involved with the patient. You are not the first type . . . " He spread his hands in a conclusionary sort of way.

I found myself blushing, "we can't be romantic . . . "

.

He just stopped staring at me. "Why not?'

"We . . .just can't."

"Dude, in my 25 years on this earth I have learned that 97% of the time when someone uses the word 'can't' it usually means 'won't.'" He smiled. "So the really big question is why you 'won't?' Is it her?"

"No, its me."

He nodded. "So what is keeping you? Jess has thus far opted not to speak to me much but she is very pretty and has seemingly had a pretty big impact on you." He was now massaging her legs for circulation.

I sighed. I really hadn't talked much to anyone about this stuff. Brian seemed like a reasonably good guy, even though he was younger and may not have the same perspective. Maybe a random surfer nurse was a good person to spill it to. Or at least some of it.

"I have been hurt before . . ." I was staring at Jess at this point. Her face looked so peaceful. The bandages had been removed so she now was just surrounded by the spaghetti mess of cables and such.

"So?" The voice came from behind me. The surfer whirlwind stood still merely regarding me.

"I don't want to experience that pain again."

"So if I understand you correctly, your plan is to not fall in love with anyone again?"

Great, now I am going to cry in front of a male nurse. Where do I send back my man card? "I suppose so."

Brian then slowly sat on the bed next to Jess in front of me. He actually kind of laughed. Was he making fun? I kinda felt pissed. Actually very pissed. "Then you have failed."

"What?" I felt very confused.

"Dude, you are seriously not acting like someone who is effectively avoiding love. You put fresh flowers by her bed every day. You read to her constantly, most of it the most boring stuff I have heard, no offense. You stare at her, comfort her, serve her. You watch every move I make to be sure she is ok with whatever I am doing. And apparently you refuse to leave, choosing rather to live in a waiting room at a hospital. I have seen spouses who have spent less time with patients here. You have completely put her needs above your own. You are already acting like someone in love. Accept your fate and enjoy the girl who needs you."

Having finished his monologue he continued the hourly tasks. "Dude, avoiding love doesn't mean you will protect your heart from being hurt. It just means you will never use it."

And with that he clasped my shoulder for a moment and slipped out of the room. And I just stared at him as he left the room, my mouth open and my mind processing overtime.

+++++++++++

The days passed too quickly for me. I wanted each morning to feel much longer, but as we hit each milestone (lunch time, dinner, sunset, bed) I felt more anxiety. Diane spent less time out of bed, opting to sleep more. Basically 23 plus hours a day we stayed in the bedroom. The rest involved me letting in the hospice nurse, fixing food and fetching something.

One Tuesday morning in May, the air cool, the sun bright, I found myself sitting on the bed next to Diane. Her eyes remained closed and she appeared very comfortable. I had gotten in the habit of nearly forcing her to drink regularly, bringing a long straw with water to her lips, even half hour or so. She simply could not garner the strength anymore to stretch, lift or move.

As I read I felt her hand on my arm. Her eyes had opened. I immediately started to move towards the water but she shook her head and smiled. Her breathing had slowed. I felt the beginning of panic. Diane's body was shutting down, I knew it, but I had hoped that we had more time.

Her clear brown eyes practically shined as she stared at me. She mouthed the words "I love you," her fingers squeezing as much as they could. I immediately grasped her hand and held it tight, as if that would prevent the transition. As if I could keep her here by merely holding on tighter.

Tears fell. Helplessness reigned. Anger flared. And then I found myself alone.

+++++++++++

I fell into a routine at the hospital. I actually created new 'to do' lists each day and took some comfort in checking off the various tasks/ stages each day. I always added 'Wake up and talk to Stephen' to the portion set aside each day for Jess. Today, I found myself on page 22 on the to do list pad.

My routine proved very predictable. Let's call this 'our routine 3.0.' Each morning I brought in some fresh flowers. I actually color coordinated with the days as I knew Jess would kinda love that. Yellow was the agreed upon color for Tuesdays so I had put some lovely daisies in a small vase right next to her. Each morning I set aside some engaging reading in the world of scholarly research, so today's focused on a comparison of qualitative research methods using more 'modern' tools of data collection and analysis. I know Jess enjoyed such content. Well not really but she really couldn't complain yet. Actually I would absolutely be ecstatic if she woke up and complained. Come on Jess, complain away!

The paper showed lunch at noon (a parfait and a bagel from downstairs), afternoon music and relaxation, a Brian visit for bathing and such, dinner and an evening of Netflix. Tonight's double feature? The latest superhero flick and some crime drama. I again welcomed any complaints from her.

But then the routine broke.

As I turned my head I saw her green eyes shining, staring right at me. She looked peaceful. And awake. Awake! Completely awake!! Only Jess could awake from a three week coma and just study me. Holy . . .

I pretty much dropped everything in my hands: my tablet, my coffee and scooted right over to her. My hands went to her face, holding her to look right at me. I felt the tears on my cheeks. I moved closer and kissed her lips. Screw it. She was awake.

I then panicked, grabbing the cup of water I kept nearby just for such an occasion.

"Hello sweetheart . . It's good. . I am glad. . " I stumbled through everything but how do you start such a conversation?? I just felt giddy that her eyes were open. Nothing else mattered. She smiled a bit.

"Take it easy. . take it slow. . let me get um . .I should." She reached over and grabbed my arm effectively hushing me.

'Breathe Stephen.' She tried to actually say the words but couldn't, so she just gave me a look that communicated it just fine. I nodded. And then I realized I again had tears on my cheek, yet another reason to return my man card. What the hell. I don't care.

She pointed at my watch questioningly. "The time? No?" Oh she wants to know how long she has been here. "About three weeks . . "

Her eyes widened. I nodded sympathizing. Her eyes shifted to the flowers and she smiled a little.

I couldn't take it anymore . . . I just reached out with my fingers and touched her cheek. She looked at me again and smiled.

I spoke softly continuing to massage her cheek. "You cannot possibly know how glad I am that you are awake." She grinned and wiped the tear from my cheek, nodding.

+++++++++++

Jess remained in the hospital for another three days as she slowly regained abilities. She still fell back asleep for prolonged periods quite often, which scared the crap out of me each time. The doctor assured me that was relatively normal and that she was fine. Her speech came back slowly, raspy at first and with limited words, but slowly she regained it completely. And then she wouldn't shut up. Which made me quite happy.

Officer Lerner came by again and checked on her, answering any questions Jess had about the day of the accident. Once Jess had sufficiently grilled her the officer hugged Jess and went on her way.

It only took another half day for Surfer Dude Nurse Brian and the doc to check Jess over, provide some instructions for us and say their goodbyes. Of course we set up follow up appointments and promised to take it easy for awhile. I had assured Surfer Dude Brian that I would take care of Jess.

Jess's body had been mostly dormant for three weeks and in bed for another five days with some forced walking so she simply could not walk well on her own yet. She kept getting stronger but she wasn't quite there. So I ended up carrying her from the hospital door to the car door, and from the car to the apartment, and from the apartment door to our one piece of furniture: the couch.