The Seeker and the Source Pt. 07

She wasn't falling for it, she knew he only cared about her because he needed her to win this war. She was done being everyone's pawn though. Both sides needed her. The human side had deadly consequences and while she briefly entertained the idea of death, it was no longer what she wanted. Especially now that there were more lives at stake than hers. She felt a renewed desire to live but not just live to cause more death, nor see her people under elven rule. She had a plan.

As counter intuitive as it seemed; in order to accomplish this she would have to side with the Elves. But on her own terms.

"I will help the Dominion."

The jaws of both Cerrella and Cenath dropped, surprised by her announcement. There was a moment of silence as everyone worked to try to understand her meaning.

She continued "but I have terms. First of all, I want all humans to be treated as equals, not as slaves. A protectorate must be formed if they are not to be citizens." She held up her fingers as she rattled off her list. "Secondly, I want final say on all laws you plan on enacting that effect humans. Third: I want human representatives in court especially on decisions concerning them."

Aurelia knew that the Elves would never give full autonomy to humans, but this would be her way around it. She had pre-emptively explained herself to Illandriil and even he thought it was a good idea, not that his approval was needed. Instead to her surprise, he helped her with the wording, adding little details here and there to flush it out. Adding in his own experience in politics.

The atmosphere was intense as she felt herself under their scrutinizing eyes. Each elf sizing up the weight of her demands to what she was offering. Cenath had been long since updated on the events that took place in the forest, and it took no real genius to figure out that there was more to be accomplished if she and Illandriil worked together.

"And she has the Heir's backing." Illandriil said, placing a possessive hand on her shoulder, adding to the finality of the decision.

Cenath furrowed his brows. " We'll have to run this by the Quene." He grumbled.

Aurelia nodded in agreement finding it weird to agree with the general but she knew the Quene would agree. She had to if she wanted Aurelia to cooperate and she'd already proven that nothing could be achieved without her cooperation. "As well I would like to no longer be treated like I'm some fragile thing."

"No you've definitely proven otherwise." Said Cerrella

Now it was Illandriil's turn to nod in agreement. "Alright, we will speak with the Quene as soon as we get back."

Aurelia moved to cut him off before everyone could prepare to depart.

"One last thing. I want to travel with Cerrella on the voyage back."

"Well, I can't run a ship by myself." Said Cerrella, after the initial shock of the request went away.

"Fine, Cerrella and the crew, but just the crew" Aurelia hurriedly added.

Illandriil frowned and moved to refuse. He clearly didn't want to be separated from her. He silently stood there deep in thought before shooting Cerrella a look that spoke volumes without words.

"Fine" Illandriil said finally conceding to Aurelia's demands. "You can take my ship."

###

Aurelia sat staring into the depths of her tea cup, the usually sweet herbal flavour of the blend lacking all appeal to her. Every sip tasting like sand. Everything tasted of sand and nothingness. Both food and beverage, she had ceased to eat, ignoring each prettily laid out porcelain dish presented to her at each meal.

Perhaps it was because she lacked enjoyment in doing anything, or because she was nervous about presenting her plan to the Quene. Maybe it was because she hadn't been able to sleep since the outpost. But how could she? Going to sleep meant dreaming and dreaming meant enduring the same nightmare that had been plaguing her every time she closed her eyes.

"Your highness. If you do not wish to spend time with me, we do not have to."

Aurelia looked up from where she was sitting at her table. The voice came from Cerrella who had come for the usual afternoon tea with her. Part of Cerrella's attempts at being cordial with her.

Cerrella had actually been nice to Aurelia since she had rescued her. Aurelia wasn't sure what to make of it. They spent the entire time together in silence. Not that Aurelia minded, she actually preferred the silence to the awkward stares of fear and whispers behind her back.

"What do you mean?" she asked not quite catching what Cerrella had said being so lost in her own world.

Cerrella cleared her throat and glanced down awkwardly at her own cup. "It's just that I come here to spend time with you everyday and we don't speak much at all, my fear is that you are not turning me away out of politeness."

Aurelia stared at her guest in surprise. She did not know how to respond to her. She honestly hadn't noticed that she had been ignoring her companion. Aurelia did want to spend time with Cerrella as she provided her with company, which she infinitely preferred over being alone right now.

Cerrella stood up to leave after a few moments of silence had passed between the two. A small hand swiftly caught hold of Cerrella's wrist before she had even left her seat.

"Don't go." .

Cerrella slowly sat back down, eyeing Aurelia carefully for an explanation.

"You're the only one I actually want around me right now. Everyone here either fears me or pities me. I'm actually surprised you're even having tea with me at all. And if you're doing it because you think you owe me for-" Aurelia voice choked, as she briefly relived the memory. There was a pregnant pause as her jaw worked to make out the last words.

"saving you" she finally said with a strained voice. "You don't have to"

Cerrella shook her head and smiled, a rare sight these days for the gloomy elf.

"I do this because I want to."

"May I ask you something though? Why didn't you want Illandriil to be with you for the voyage back?" Cerrella said, asking the latter question after Aurelia nodded her permission.

"I needed time to think without him being around to confuse me. Which seems to happen every time I'm near him. Besides, it's not like he cares." Her eyes bore into her lap as she said this but Cerrella could clearly see the hurt in her eyes.

"Well that's absurd." Cerrella snorted shooting an slightly irate sideways glance at the little human.

"What do you mean?"

"Illandriil does care about you. Otherwise he wouldn't have spent so much of his time protecting you in the Capital. I don't think I've ever seen him fight for someone as much as he did for you." Cerrella said, referring to what happened in the council chambers.

Why do I find that hard to believe?

"You may not know this but, it's not customary for Elven nobility to show weakness especially the heir to the throne. And, there is only so much he can do without putting you at more risk. -And trust me." Cerrella said, her last sentence cutting Aurelia off when she opened her mouth to argue back. "There are worst things Quene Eliinor can do to you if she were to find out."

Aurelia looked up when she said this. Why was she telling her this? Up until recently Cerrella had always acted rather distant toward her.

"If you knew all of this why didn't you just tell the Quene yourself? Its not like you liked me in the beginning. If anything it would have done you a huge favour to get rid of me." Aurelia couldn't help but feel a little jealous as she said that.

"What makes you say that?" Cerrella shot her a confused look.

"Cause you think I'm not good enough for him because I'm not some elven noble. I'm not his ideal mate."

Cerrella shook her head. "I don't know what he's explained about this to you. Yes, We Elves believe in the ideal mate, and you, dear girl, are by far his ideal mate. I didn't not like you because you were human and I thought he deserved better. I didn't like you because I thought you were too reckless. You endangered him and placed him and yourself in a vulnerable position with your behaviour." Despite how young Cerrella looked, she spoke as though she were chiding a child for misbehaving.

"I made him vulnerable?" asked Aurelia. She was surprised, trying to picture the towering mountain of a man as vulnerable. Everything about Illandriil hardly said vulnerable in any way.

Cerrella stood up suddenly, sending the chair scraping against the floor away from her as she leaned across the table, bringing her face closer to Aurelia's.

"Yes! Because he spent so much time protecting you, you placed him in a vulnerable position, to the point where his actions as the heir were questioned!

Which should never happen.

You may not have always been there to see it yourself but he was always defending you."

Cerrella paused herself as if to collect her emotions. Her hands reached out for the discarded chair to bring it back to the table as she sat back down.

"I don't think I will ever be able to understand what compels him to be so protective of you. But I know that you are what he wants and he will stop at nothing to have you. Which means he'll do whatever he can to keep you safe. This puts me in a difficult position because as the next in line to be general, it is my job to protect the heir and act in his best interests."

Aurelia could do nothing but stare, processing what Cerrella had just revealed.

Her mind raced through memories of the past, moments where he had done his best to take care of her. The night she ran into their meeting afraid of the dark, doing his best to remove her from the room during what was likely a sensitive discussion, finding an excuse to be with her. When they were in the capital, each time he argued for an extra day of rest, pushing back their moments in front of the map. Even after, him carrying her to their room, coaxing her into eating. What were those words he said back in the clearing?

'Thank the Gods you're okay, my love.'

'My love.'

###

"Lepidus! Wait!" said Aurelia as she chased down her friend from the dancing flames of the dinnertime fire into the dying evening light.

When she finally caught up to him she grabbed him by the arm to confront him on why he'd been ignoring her for the past week.

"Go away Aurelia, can't you see I'm busy?" he mumbled irritated to have been stopped in his path by her, still not bothering to face her as he looked toward his approaching tent and moved despite her holding him back.

"But why haven't you spoken to me? You weren't busy the other night at supper. You used to sit with me every night! What did I do?" She frowned as she tugged him back again to slow his movement down further.

He stopped, his back turned to her. Aurelia stood staring at him, her eyes pleading for answers. Finally he spoke but what he said made her shrink, his deep voice calm and low, with the same measured delivery of someone who had spent hours rehearsing the line prior to.

"I don't think we should be friends anymore."

"Why not?" She asked, her eyes, watered on the verge of tears as she silently begged him not to do this.

"Did you forget 'Relia?"

He turned around to face her, his face suddenly looking like it was melting, as rusted burgundy congealed blood dribbled out of his eye sockets.

The nostalgic past memory quickly turned sinister as he stepped close to her. The background seemed to fade around her as darkness bled into the surrounding environment.

"You killed me." He said with his twisted smile. Lepidus brought his arms out in front of him and pushed her into an awaiting black hole that had opened up from behind.

Aurelia opened her mouth to scream or cry out for help, but no sound escaped her throat.

Down, down she plummeted as she closed her eyes praying for a painless end once she hit the bottom.

"if you hadn't been so stupidly weak, the camp would still be alive."

Aurelia's eyes snapped open at the voice of her mentor. She caught a glimpse of his face before it morphed into the face of an elven noble, pleading for his life in the agony of his final moments. Death was all around her, she was the cause of their death in one way of another. Aurelia struggled desperately to reach out and touch the face, to reassure them. All around her the voices and faces of many others who had died began to appear, growing louder and louder. Begging for their lives, asking her why, accusing her of doing nothing. Aurelia wanted to get away from them, but she couldn't, as her body continued its free fall into the black abyss.

Aurelia jolted up in her bed screaming, drenched in a cold sweat, hands flying up to her face to check to see if she was still there. She brushed the salt filled tears from her eyes missing a few that trickled down her scarlet cheeks. She glanced around the dimly lit cabin searching for invisible ghosts that may have lingered before laying back. She let out a exhausted sigh. She was okay. It was just a dream. She sat there going through the self-same motions she did every night to cope with the dreams.

Her hands gripped at the sateen sheets, tightening and loosening as she gradually convinced herself that she was no longer falling but in fact firmly planted on the ground. Then she wiped away at the sweat on her brow. She forced herself to close her eyes, and started counting. First to five, as horrifying images of the dead flashed through her mind. Then she opened her eyes to reassure herself of her location. She closed her eyes again, starting her count to ten before her eyes opened again. Scanning the room, she closed them. To fifteen this time.

one... two... three... four...

She forced herself to keep them shut til fifteen, even as her mind rallied against her, begging for the pictures to stop. But that was what they were. Not real. Just pictures. Not real.

Just pictures.

Not real.

Her eyes snapped open. She just couldn't do it. Sleep evaded her.

She sat up in bed and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. Groggy. She threw her legs off the side and stood up, light headedness causing her to stumble just a little as the ship slanted to the side. She walked toward a chest of clothes that were brought just for her. Her hands slipped along the slinky fabrics to pull out a peach dress with a cape attached at the shoulders and sleeves for warmth. She quietly yanked on the fabric. A thought occurred to her as she studied the soft fabric skirt that pooled at her legs. Since boarding the ship, she had the unusual luxury of selecting the clothing she wore. Even when they were in the palace, her clothes had always arrived with some servant. Prepicked out for her.

The sound of creaking wood melded with the click of her cabin door closing behind her as she left her room. She turned and headed down the drafty ship corridor toward the top deck, carefully watching her steps as the ship swayed this way and that. The cold night air greeted her as she exited a final set of doors that lead out of the hall. Another part of her nightly ritual, when shutting her eyes failed. Which always did. Somehow the top deck of the ship at night seemed to provide her with the most comfort.

The large vessel seemed empty being manned only by the crew. She slowly crept across the deserted deck space. She leaned over the railing at the bow of the boat, her hands gripping, to stop herself from falling overboard. Her eyes wandered up to the pale luminescent moon that hung high above the dark ocean waters. A frigid sea breeze blew past her cheeks, chilling the sweat dampened skin.

She shuddered. Not because of the cold. No her body felt numb inside, she could barely feel the cold around her. A week of sea travel had nearly gone by and each night had seen her plagued with the same nightmare. Small details here and there would be different, but overall it was always the same. She'd find herself falling into that bottomless void, the sounds of those she couldn't save echoing in her ears. The voices and faces of those she had killed saving Cerrella still fresh on her mind.

Aurelia found it hard to even fall asleep every night, afraid of the nightmares that would come as soon as she closed her eyes.

The first few nights were the worst. She laid in bed tossing and turning until she eventually did fall asleep, only to wake up shortly in a cold sweat, crying to herself. Then she'd lie there tossing and turning some more.

After the third sleepless night she took to her counting exercise, forcing her eyes to remain shut for longer and longer periods, until she fell back to sleep. Of course, soon this wasn't enough. She'd bring herself up to sixty. One hundred. Until she couldn't bare to be locked inside her head.

Finally refusing to fall back to sleep no matter how high she counted, she found herself drawn out of her cabin. Called by a mysterious force whispering in the dark hours of the night. She started taking walks onto the bow of the ship to stare out into the night sky. The upper deck providing a comforting solace to her melancholy. The only time she could be there without the pitying looks of the ship's crew or startled jumps at her every movement.

Her only company at night was the elf at the helm silently steering the ship. Shrouded in darkness and a distance away from her. Never moving from his stalwart post.

At least no one will disturb me.

Night after night became much of the same. Toss and turn uncomfortably in bed, walk out to the empty deck at night, absently stand at the bow staring at the moon until darkness bled into the dusky rose and oranges of the dawn. At least by then she felt comforted enough that she could go back to bed and sleep dreamlessly. This only lasted for the day though. The minute night fell again the dreams would come back and she would find herself repeating the exhausting ritual.

Wakeup, toss and turn, walk to the deck, stare from the bow, rising sun, bed, repeat.

Wake, toss, walk, stare, dawn, bed, repeat.

She glanced behind her, up at the mysterious elf silently steering the ship at night. There was something about him. Something that drew her to him. Every night he had been there, almost like he was watching over her, waiting for her. Silent patience, never sleeping.

She found her feet slowly ascending the steps toward the helm, her cobalt eyes looking toward the elf steering the ship. His own hard emerald eyes staring back at her. The selfsame dark circles harbouring restlessness.

"You lied to me." She said she approached to stand beside him. Her eyes gazing out at the seemingly endless ocean that spanned the distance in front of them before turning her gaze back to him.

The familiar figure shook his head, his long blonde hair fluttering about in the moonlight. The soft deep cadence of his voice.

"No, I didn't."

"I said I wanted to travel with Cerrella"

"I know."

"And yet you're here"

"And yet I'm here" He replied, absently turning the wheel with skilled ease, sea-glass eyes fixed into the distant waters.

"So you lied."

"You said Cerrella and the crew correct?"

Aurelia slowly nodded her head.

"Well, the last time I checked, this was my ship. That makes me the captain. And if I'm not mistaken, the captain is part of the crew."

The silent night became filled the tinkling music of Aurelia's laughter.

She leaned into his arm, enjoying having his warm body against hers against the crisp night of the ocean. This felt right. His heady familiar sweet scent filled her nose as she inhaled. Tears silently fell down her face as his arms moved to encircle around her. She hadn't realized how much she needed this. Needed the strong arms that surrounded her, holding her together even as she threatened to break. After awhile his hand slipped down to cup her chin and they both stared, lost in each others eyes.