The Shared Dream Ch. 04: Kyra

I can't get the eyes right. It doesn't matter how hard I try to think, how clearly I can see him in my head, when I try to imagine Benji, it just isn't him, and it's making me sad. I'm not proud, so I'll admit it. Benji is smarter than me. So my mind can't picture Benji as he really is. Anything I imagine him doing is just that- my imagination. I'll never be able to get his intricacies, the complex way his brain works, and looking at this cheap replica across from me, just makes me sad.

"You're not Benji."

Not-Benji started to speak but froze, his mouth open. I froze, so Benji froze. How am I supposed to know what you would say?

In all the years I'd known him, long before we ever started dating, he constantly had the ability to surprise me. I'd ask a simple question, and he'd never quite say what I expected. Almost always though, he knew how to saw the words that could make me smile.

The two of us had barely been dating for a week when I wanted to end things. I felt like I was always nervous around him, terrified of what he must think of me. I was absolutely certain I was boring the daylights out of him. It didn't matter that his eyes were always sparkling, his smile always so effortless, he was too good, and I felt like I was the only one who knew it.

He laughed in my face.

Not because I wanted to end things, but because of why. "Too good?" he cackled, his perfectly trimmed beard bobbing with every breath, "You're the most intoxicating, enigmatic woman I've ever laid eyes on. Every single morning I wake up excited to see you."

It felt like he always knew what to say. And for the first time, in a long time, I felt like he actually liked me. Not my money or my followers, he didn't care about that at all.

Which is why it SO FRUSTRATING that I can't bring him back. Wouldn't you think that if I imagine him as perfect than I'd get something pretty damn great?

But no, I thought again, You're not Benji.

This person hadn't stood by me when the hate came. Being as forward facing as I was, I got my share of death threats, swattings, ddos attacks. More than once I'd been a laughingstock just because I didn't know something basic, like how to pronounce chameleon on stream. I'd been clipped and passed around, stalked and harassed, but Benji never left my side. He's the one that stood up to people, told them to knock it off. He's the one that met my stalker on the porch, and calmly forced him away, 9-1-1 dialed and ready.

When I dropped out of college, I heard ridicule from every side of my family. My dad called me a letdown. I overheard my cousin call me a worthless whore. People called me an idiot, and told me I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. Even worse, some suggested, I only dropped out because I was too stupid to finish my degree.

Benji was there for that.

He let me live with him. Cuddled me whenever I cried. Whenever I had a technical issue he sat with me and worked through it, always taking the time to be there for me.

It never even occurred to me to cheat in here.

I saw what the others were doing basically instantly. Natalie was running off with all the guys she'd never been able to pull in real life. Dan and Brynlee were living out their wildest sexual fantasies, but I had the guy of my dreams waiting for me back home. Sure, they made fun of me when I was just making tall mountains, or trying to imagine a cruise ship that could fly, but that's the only reason I was here.

It didn't matter what Dan said, those snide comments I always heard about what an airhead I am, I always just pictured Benji, and those comments bounced right off.

That's when I first got the idea.

I pictured Benji. And there he was.

He wasn't perfect of course. I don't know how to make him like that. At first I just wanted someone to talk to, be able to listen to Benji's advise, but the computer wasn't him. Even when he spoke with my voice, that wasn't him either.

I wanted him to just go away. Leave me be until this whole thing was over. But then we got stuck.

And the three days we were supposed to be here became a week.

Then a month.

Then a year.

I'd been here, living out my wildest dreams for more than a year before I just couldn't take it anymore. I was trapped, and I felt like I was the only person that actually cared about that.

Sure, Brynlee said she did, but she got herself into a happy little routine, running off with guys, living her wildest dreams.

But I was alone.

The longer it went on, the less I could picture Benji. I hadn't seen his face in so long, and the version I kept seeing just morphed my thoughts. I was a long way from the eyes being off. Now, the Benji had a crooked nose, lips that were a little too full. His teeth had turned perfectly straight at some point, and his hair wasn't quite so curly. I think this version turned paler too, but I can't really remember. That's the whole point. I can't really remember what Benji looked like.

I was laying in bed, not-Benji at my side, and I just wanted to scream. The whole world was infinite. I could literally do whatever I wanted, but I felt all the weight of that infinite world on my shoulders. I was a bubble that was about to burst, and no amount of screaming could fix it.

It'd been more than a year since I'd lay with Benji.

We were supposed to be married by now, with our own little family, saving up for retirement, a vacation every month. I'd wake up every morning and see his beard, his toothy smile, not this husk.

Loneliness does strange things to a person. Three hundred and seventy four days. That's how long it took before I gave in. Benji was a distant memory, and I'd gone through all the stages of grief. He was still waiting for me out there in the real world. A day probably hadn't even passed for him, but to me, I'd gone through a breakup. I'd been ghosted by the guy I'd known for five years, and I'd finally started to move on.

It's not cheating, I told myself, It's still Benji right? He'd understand, right? It's been so long...

I closed my eyes hard and forced myself to concentrate. I'd always kept not-Benji fully clothed because I wanted to keep one memory real. But if we were going to do this, he had to be as close to Benji as possible.

I saw the way Benji's hair grey in a thick patch over his sternum, the line under his belly button. He was always chasing a six-pack, but never quite caught it, a slight round to his belly. He was the hardest worker I'd ever met, and his arms reflected that. His bicep was as big around as my neck.

I pictured him below the waist. His thighs were thick like tree trunks, his cock uncut, and hanging halfway down his thigh. I imagined all the way the hair grew, and I imagined him stripping right in front of me.

Benji slowly unbuttoned his shirt, his eyes locked with mine.

No. That's not right. He was shyer than that. He'd be laughing, having fun. There was always a level of awkwardness. He wasn't just a don juan that locked eyes with me, his confidence supreme as he put on a strip show.

Laugh, I commanded.

He gave an awkward little laugh, his eyes still locked with mine.

"No," I said, my hands hanging over my shirt, as I stopped to look at him, "You have to say something funny."

He kept looking to me, his eyebrows raised and waiting, like he was saying, What am I supposed to say?

You're not Benji, I reminded myself.

"Nothing, Let's just," I sighed, "Let's just do this."

I worked the buttons open on my shirt and laid back. I was still wearing a white bra, the open shirt at my back like a cape. Not-Benji took a step towards me. He started crawling across the bed like a cat.

"No," I snapped. "That's all wrong. Stop being sexy. Be fun. Be Benji."

Benji always liked hawaiian shirts, so I was wearing one. Not-Benji though, couldn't care less. He just stood there shirtless in jeans, his hip jutted out as he waited to fuck me.

It'll still feel the same right? It'll still be his warmth, his body pressed against mine.

"Fine," I decided. "Take them off."

I didn't watch him effortlessly slip the belt off (Benji would have struggled for like thirty seconds. His fingers would have been trembling with excitement. He'd be laughing and smiling, looking at me, his fingers working absentmindedly-)

I went off on a tangent again. Sorry.

I do that on stream all the time.

People make fun of me.

They make clips.

They share the clips.

But Benji's there for me.

I tried to focus on myself. If it was just my sensations, it might still feel right. I watched myself shimmy out of my panties. My legs weren't freshly shaved, but Benji never minded. It never seemed to matter what I did, to him, I was perfect.

Not-Benji was crawling like a cat again, this time fully nude. Fine, I thought, whatever.

I spread my legs as wide as I could, and laid back, staring at the ceiling. Just focus on yourself. Just focus on the sensations, the pleasure.

His hands cupped my thighs, holding my legs in place. And they felt like Benji's hands, the calluses exactly where they were supposed to be. His hips shimmied as he brought himself to his knees, and positioned himself between my legs. I gave my hips a little roll of anticipation, and kept staring up at the ceiling.

His dick felt the same.

His little mannerisms, of course, were different. Not-Benji moved like a porn actor (probably the data they trained on). He tapped his cock on my pussy and spit for lube. He pressed down on my thighs keeping me as wide as possible, and stuck it in with one hard, fast thrust.

I rolled my head to the side and tried to focus on the sensation. Now that he'd broken into a rhythm, everything felt familiar. It was his dick, attached to his body. As long as I looked up, staring at the ceiling, everything was perfect. It didn't matter that he was just a puppet that happened to look like Benji.

I threw my arms up, high above my head, and tried to give into the sensation. I focused on my breathing, the way it started to increase the longer he thrusted. I kept waiting for the little gasps, the building sensation, but things were staying exactly as they were.

Benji thrusted in perfect time, never getting tired. His rhythm never wavered, and it was way too perfect.

No, I thought, That's not it.

For a moment I barely even felt not-Benji. I lay back, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out why this all felt so wrong.

Silence, I realized. It's not supposed to be so quiet.

Benji was a talker, and not even sex could shut him up.

"Talk," I urged.

Not-Benji leaned closer, his lip curling as he drew right up to my ear, "You are so fucking sexy."

Nope. All wrong.

"No," I snapped, "Be Benji. Be funny, embrace the awkwardness."

I tried to imagine the things Benji said more than a year ago, but anything I could come up with felt so forced. That was the beauty of our relationship, everything just flowed so naturally. Even when we were laughing, it always came so organically. We'd work in things that were happening. He'd do funny voices to break the tension and we'd both laugh together.

I let him ride for a while, but we weren't building towards anything.

Not-Benji wouldn't ever cum too early and laugh about it. He didn't even have emotion.

When I finally heard a knock at my door, I wasn't disappointed. I felt relief that I had an excuse to stop. Not-Benji vanished in a cloud of smoke, and I magicked my clothes back on. I rolled all the sweat off my body, and fixed my hair while I walked to the door.

Dan was the last person I expected.

"Hey, did you see a guy running around here?" he asked. His eyebrows were narrowed, and he looked genuinely concerned, "It's just, I imagined something, trying to keep things interesting, you know, and he started running away. I don't know where he went, and I don't want him to cause any damage."

"No," I muttered, "I haven't seen anyone, I've been inside-"

"Great," he said, "Great, just let me know if you do."

Curiosity got the better of me. I had all eternity to try to fix not-Benji, but Dan and his mystery man were the most interesting thing that had happened in weeks.

I made myself invisible and hovered directly behind Dan, following him wherever he went. I watched as he finally cornered a man, as walls rose up on every side.

"I got you!" Dan screamed, "Give up!"

The man looked panicked. He was stutter stepping, desperately trying to get free. More walls and traps and locks emerged from the ground, locking the man in an impenetrable prison.

"Why are you doing this?" the man screamed, "I came here to help you!"

I stopped hovering and took a few steps closer. The mystery man was completely unfamiliar, but he wasn't like Benji. There was a glow in his eyes, a twinkle that made him feel alive.

I looked back at Dan, and saw the way his face was contorted with hate, as the prison grew, more and more to trap the man.

The man's panic was too believable. I don't think, I thought, looking directly at Dan, that you imagined this guy at all.