The Siren

I arrived at my hometown the same day as the funeral, early in the morning. I met Beth at my old house. Nadine was already there. Beautiful as ever, more woman. Very sad.

When they saw me, they started to run towards me. My stare stopped Nadine in her tracks. Beth hugged me and cried. I tried to comfort her, being torn into a million pieces myself. She was inconsolable. There was just one nice thought in all of that: Beth truly loved my daddy. She adored him. She was devastated by his death. As dead inside as I was, the fact that my beloved dad had a woman who loved him without reservation for all their short life together made me feel warm inside. It also made me sad. She lost her love twice in her life.

There were quite a few people at the funeral. My daddy was beloved by all the people in the community. He was the best person in the world. Full of compassion and love. Beth was dead inside, like me.

After the service, we went to the house. I went to my old room, Beth and Nadine to theirs. So many beautiful memories. It was very difficult for me to breathe in there. I tried to sleep, but couldn't.

In the middle of the night, a soft knock at the door.

"Bobby? Are you awake?"

"Yes. Nadine?"

"May I enter? Please?"

"What do you want?"

"Bobby, please! I... "

That's all she managed to say before she started crying. A deep, emotional kind of crying that only people in despair can pull off, as it comes from the soul. I understood that, and opened the door. She was sitting on the floor with her back on my wall, collapsed and heaving.

I gave her my hand. She took it and grabbed me. She couldn't stand on her own two feet. I took her on the bed, and let her lay on me, to cry. I still cared for her, goddamn me, stupid pussy-whipped asshole. She cried all through the night, and never left my side.

She fell asleep later. I decided that I would not subject myself to the same kind of heart rape as she had inflicted upon me at UPenn. I got up, went to the living room and lied down on the sofa where I caught a short nap.

I woke up to the first rays of the weak sunlight that managed to break through the clouds in a rainy day. Beth was up. She was sitting on the chair next to the sofa I was sleeping in.

"Good morning Bobby. Thank you."

"What for?" I asked.

"For once again protecting my daughter. She hasn't been herself lately. She has started to understand the depth of what she has done and the reasons behind your very justified reaction and she is devastated. She has been punishing herself in ways you wouldn't imagine. She is a psychologist, after all. She knows all the tricks of the trade. Lately, she talked with your father a lot, mostly about you. She can't cope with the fact that her insecurities and 'externally projected need for experience, a.k.a. new dick' - her words, not mine, mind you - killed her relationship with you. She is in a... cognitive dissonance, as she herself told me. She sought his advice. His death decimated her too. She was in a bad place yesterday and you helped her. You were the only one that could do that. And you had no obligation, so I thank you for once again taking care of my child" she said and started crying. "Your daddy would have been so proud of you! You became the best man he could have ever hoped for! Thank you Bobby!" she said crying, killing me inside.

"He was the best, wasn't he?" I asked her.

"He truly was! There was no other like him! Oh Bobby, what am I going to do?" she said and cried.

I truly had no idea what to say. He was my dad, but it was the right thing for me to bury him, the reverse is very wrong, a travesty. But her, she lost the man she truly loved these years, no matter how few they had together. Truly now, what would she do? A widow for a second time. Poor Beth. Such a good soul. Such a pained soul...

She asked me what I was willing to do with the house. I told her that as far as I was concerned, it was her house. She could do whatever she wanted with it. She thanked me. Beth was the best my dad could find. He really, really did well.

Nadine woke up a little later. She came looking for me. She understood by the way I looked at her that I was not up for chatting and pleasantries. So she cut to the chase.

"Bobby, I would like to talk."

"Jesus H. Christ. My father died, Nadine. Let me mourn him in peace, please?" I answered.

"O...Of course, Bobby. I... I am sorry. I apologize. I just need to say a few things to you, that's all..." she implored.

"Saying whatever you want to say is already bothering me once too many, Nadine. I believe we said what was to be said when it was due. Now, why bother?" I asked her.

"Bobby, please. It has been eating me inside. Please..." she said before being reduced to a human pile of tears.

Damn it. I have my grief, I have her bullshit as well.

"OK Nadine. Listen to me. I truly don't want to listen to your bullshit. Especially now, at the absolute worst time of my adult life. But again, you are all that matters to you. Nobody else but you is what matters in your world. You wanna unburden your shit to me, just like you spewed your shit anywhere it served its purpose in high school. You are the same goddamned brat you were in junior grade. People don't change, do they? You are ample proof of that. You make me sick. Now, get the FUCK out of my face and leave me mourn the death of my father in peace, before I do something that we will both regret. Now Leave Me Alone!" I said, shouting the last part.

"I'm sorry! I... I'll leave!" she said terrified and left in a hurry.

I didn't even want to be there anymore. I found Beth, said our goodbyes and left.

**********************************************

The workload was the only thing that kept me sane at that dark time. After the stint with Nadine, I understood that all my behavior was basically a reaction to Nadine's betrayal. I decided that I needed to move on, as actively as she did back then in undergrad. I needed to stop mourning for a thing that did not exist any more and embrace life. So I decided that I had to stop the hook-ups and to actually start looking for a real girlfriend. That proved to be a hard thing. Studying all day and a, generally speaking, low budget did not make me a prime candidate for real relationships. On top of that, I didn't really feel it; my heart wasn't into it.

Beth kept in touch with me, asking me about pretty much everything. She did say a few general things about Nadine, but not a lot of detail. She was getting along in her studies just fine, she had a steady boyfriend, possibly serious. I wished her the best.

"I need to tell you something, between you and me, Bobby," she said.

"What?"

"I believe she never really got over you."

"My dearest Beth, you will excuse my language, but tough shit. She kicked me out of the house to find herself, and had already been cheating on me with that asshole. After him, she had other boyfriends, I saw her with one of them. I don't really know if she really mourned the end of our relationship or not, but that is her very own thing. She was the one to have killed it, in cold blood I may add. So, why does she still have a thing for me? Especially now that she has a boyfriend? I just don't get it," I said.

"Bobby, you need to dive deep into her psyche to understand how and why she did what she did. When you had that quarrel in the house, what you told her was the truth. Spot on. Of course the timing she chose to say her piece was the worst ever, and your response was mild compared to what I would have said in your place. The truth of the matter is that she... she let herself relapse. She became the self-entitled brat that she was in high school. She had a group of friends that had sex with anything that moved, and they instilled in her head that she would miss out on life's great experiences if she were tied down to one man. Of course, it always depends on the man. She was lucky enough to have the perfect man from the beginning, and nothing else from then and on would ever compare. And not only that. Vance, the guy you met, was a total douche-bag. He treated her like shit. But she felt so guilty for how she treated you that she stayed with him. He ended up abusing her, and she ended up filing a restraining order."

My heart clenched at the news. If I had that motherfucker in front of me, he would be dead. But, hey, not my business anymore. Control yourself, asshole.

"She wanted to call you a million times and ask for your forgiveness," she said. "But she knew that she had fucked up so royally that she had absolutely no right to do that. So she endured, until she couldn't anymore. When he hit her, she filed and he was expelled. After him, she was in a string of relationships, one worse than the other. She felt she had to punish herself for what she did to you. She thought she was worthless!" she said and started crying.

"Beth, I... I don't really know what to say..."

"Bobby, she was thinking suicide. The night that you let her cry on you, she was seriously thinking of ending things. She told me so herself when you left. I had already sensed it. I wanted to help her, but I just couldn't. You literally saved her that night. Next day was a disaster, and it was all on her. Fortunately, I was able to help her then. She was inconsolable. I mean, everything was... just bad. She talked to your dad constantly, asking for advice on how to get back with you. She was obsessed with you. She still is..."

"But she has a steady boyfriend, doesn't she?" I asked.

"Bobby, if you were to call her in the middle of the night and tell her that you are just thinking of a fresh start with her, she would leave EVERYTHING behind and come flying to you right that moment. Poor Jake doesn't stand a chance. She is really trying to love him, but she just can't. And it isn't just Jake. She is incapable of loving anyone else but you. She cannot get over you, and she only punishes herself through the years. It is crazy. A downward spiral. I don't know how to help her anymore, Bobby! She is my child and I see her slipping away every day! What can I do? I can't lose her too! Oh God! What can I do?" she said and cried.

I truly didn't know what to say.

"Beth, I... I really don't know what to say. I mean, she was my everything. I was so deeply in love with her. I thought we would be together until we die. I thought we had a connection beyond anything else out there. I still haven't felt that connection with anyone else. But I don't really know if that was just me being in love or it actually was there to begin with. Then, she ripped my heart out. I mean..."

"The connection was definitely there, Bobby. I saw it with my own eyes. It was like I was talking to the same person with a different avatar. It was uncanny. I have loved two men deeply in my life, and to be honest with you, even I envied that. I never had it to that level - maybe approached it with your dad, but I don't think we reached it. And we were so in love. What you two had was so... amazing, unique and pure. That is what is killing her. Now that she has experienced other relationships she understands that, no matter how beautiful she is, some things cannot be bought with beauty. They are rare gems that you either are lucky and find them, or you are not. She knows that what you two had was the fairytale that all her friends wanted to live once but probably won't. She did, and she threw it away for some cheap thrills. Experience, for sure. Bad experience. Horrible experience. And loss."

I felt numb.

"She calls me almost everyday, Bobby. She calls me to cry and mourn. She did love your daddy, but it isn't only him that she mourns. She mourns you. She tries to save herself by going through the motions every day, but I think she will have a mental breakdown soon. I am worried about her life. I don't know what to do! If she hurts herself... my baby!!! Oh God!!!!" she said and wailed.

"Beth, you know I love you so much. Deep down, I had love for Nadine too, despite everything. I still would be devastated if something happened to her. Do I have feelings for her? I did. Now? I dunno. When I saw her at the funeral, I wanted to beat her up unconscious. I also wanted her to kiss me and make everything go away. I was a raving lunatic, and at the same time I was that high-schooler in mad, puppy love with the girl of his dreams. I was so torn apart that I felt I was going to... to split. That night when I held her, everything was, for a brief amount of time, good in the world, although it was the most terrible day of my adult life. Even in my grief, she made it all good again. For a little while. But then her self-entitlement killed everything. Do you want me to be totally honest with you, Beth?" I asked her.

"Of course Bobby," she said.

"I don't think I will love any woman as much as I had loved her. But I don't think I can love anyone right now, including her. In the unlikely case that she can stir my feelings back to life now, which is a highly improbable outcome, I don't really know why I would have to put myself in very probable harm's way again. She killed me, Beth. She decimated me. I am most probably dead inside for good. If, by some chance there is something alive inside me, which I seriously doubt to be honest, why on Earth would I put myself in danger of annihilation again?" I asked her.

"I know what you are saying. The truth of the matter is, you can never be sure about anyone. Not even yourself. You may hurt someone one day, Bobby. If you are with another woman, she can hurt you, or you her. Nobody is without blemish in this world. Everyone can make a mistake. She made a horrible mistake, and she has been paying for it for years now. If you don't want to be with her anymore, because you don't trust her enough - although I think that she has been so badly burned that she would rather kill herself than do any such thing to you ever again - at least talk to her. Let you both have some closure to continue your lives. This is an open wound for her and it is eating her alive. And by what you have told me, it may actually be an open wound to you too."

Damn it. She was right. No question there. I had hurt more women that I could count. But it was her fault!

Bullshit. She didn't hurt them. I did. I was most definitely without blemish. I broke so many hearts on my very own. Yes, she killed my soul. But how many other souls did I kill? I was not as bad as Nadine. I was way, way worse. If Nadine was Ted Bundy, I was fucking Hitler.

"That is all I am saying, Bobby," she continued. "I hope you find it in your heart to forgive her. I secretly hope that you realize that she, in her imperfection and folly, is the perfect woman for you, especially now that she has fallen from grace. She is human, she makes mistakes, and so are you. You were not in the wrong this time, but nobody knows what is in store in the future. If anything, if you forgive her, she will have a greater capacity to forgive you, if you ever make a mistake yourself. You know why? Because she has been there, she has seen the devastation. She knows how hard it is to accept yourself after being in the wrong. Remember, nobody's perfect."

"Damn-it Beth, it's like you're trying to make a sales pitch here!" I said, almost chuckling.

"Actually I am, Bobby. I am trying to sell you the idea to talk to her, and do so with an open mind. That's all I'm asking. I don't want to see you waste your lives in unhappiness if there is a way for you to be happy after all that's happened. That's the central idea. From me, Beth, the devastated widow of your father, the devastated mother of Nadine who I love beyond words and am losing a bit more each day, and the devastated second mother of you, the best young man I have ever known, who I also love as much as my daughter."

Goddamn it. She killed me with that. Gutted me alive.

"... OK. I will get in touch with her."

"OH MY GOD!!! You will???" she said, as if she won the lottery.

"Yes, Beth, I will," I said chuckling. "You win."

"I hope that in the end, you will both win."

"Beth?"

"What?"

"Not a word to Nadine. I need to think this through on my own. I don't want you to say ANYTHING about this discussion. It never happened. Promise?"

"Promise, Bobby. Definitely promise. Not a word."

"...and, Beth?"

"What?"

"No promises. I mean it."

"Of course! I understand. Thank you so much, Bobby!"

********************************************

My hands were trembling as I tapped her name on my phone.

"... B... Bobby?"

"Hi Nadine."

"... H... How... How are you?"

"I am alright. You?"

"I am alright."

A small awkward pause followed, where both of us tried to continue the conversation. She made it first.

"W... Where are you?"

"Barker."

"...B...Barker? You are here, in Harvard?"

"Yes."

"W... when did you come here?"

"Just got here. Is it a bad time?"

"... It is NEVER a bad time for you, Bobby! Never! Oh my God! W... Would you like to meet?"

"Why else would I be here?"

"Oh God! I... I am coming! Right away! P... Please don't leave, OK?"

"I won't. Just don't make me wait too long."

"N... No, no! I'll be there right away!" and she clicked off.

I spotted her fifteen minutes later. She was desperately trying to find me. When she did, she shone a terawatt smile and ran my way. She literally sprang on me, hugged me and cried. She cried for a long time. I comforted her and had her sit.

"Bobby, I am so happy you are here! I cannot tell you how happy I am!" she said, holding my hand.

All the pent-up feelings I had until that time, started coming back.

"I talked with your mother. She told me a lot of things," I said.

"Really? She told me nothing... the little shit!" she said playfully. Then became somber.

"Bobby, I need to apologize. I am so, so sorry and so ashamed for what happened at your dad's funeral. It was all my fault, one hundred percent. Please, forgive me. You were so right in everything you said..." she said.

"Yeah, that's true. Anyway, your mom raised a lot of valid points," I said. "I came here to see if they hold merit."

"I... I don't know what she told you... I... I don't even know how to begin..."

"Do you have a boyfriend, Nadine?"

"... I... I had one, but we broke up a few weeks ago. He left me. I was not capable of loving him the way he wanted to be loved. He called me 'dead inside'. And he was right. I am. I couldn't give him something that I didn't have. I don't have a heart, Bobby. You have that. You stole it back in high school, and it still is with you. I haven't ever stopped loving you. I know that this all seems so... so empty and stupid, after what I have done, but I swear to God, it is the truth."

"Then why did you kill me?" I asked her, with all my grief apparent in my expression.

"Your love made me a better person, Bobby. But I let myself be influenced by women that wanted to have what I had, but never had felt it. They were jealous, and they poisoned my mind with their shit about experiences and all that. In any other case they would probably be right, as it is important for people to have experiences before they embark in life. But I had the fortune of having the fairytale as a start in mine. They all envied me, and took pride in getting me to kill it. Then we were all miserable, and that was OK with them, as they knew nothing else. Only they didn't really lose something they never had. I lost everything. If they were always miserable, I was happy but became devastated, by my own hand."

"So its their fault?" I asked her.

"Oh God, no! No, no. That one is squarely, totally mine. Nobody else's. I should have been smart enough to understand that I had the dream, and to let them wallow in their misery. Instead, I let them into my head, and I destroyed the one thing that was of perfect value in my life. And for that, and all the lost time and the wasted feelings and the unbearable sorrow and sadness that I bestowed upon the greatest man in my life, you, and the most worthless woman in mine, me, I am the only culprit. None of this is on you. It all is squarely on me" she said.