The Siren

"Look. If we are being honest here, it might have been too good to last. Way too deep, way too early. It might have lasted, but again it might not. Who knows? One must be mature enough to be able to handle these kind of emotions at that level. I honestly thought we were. But I can understand if you didn't, especially if you had unresolved issues from your immature phase years and all. But, Nadine, why cheat and lie? Why gaslight? That part killed all respect for you, and that is what killed me. The fact that I couldn't respect you anymore. It sucks so much..." I said.

She took a pained expression.

"Imagine how it is to know all this, and to lose any self respect as well", she said. "There is literally nothing worse than being the wrongdoer, Bobby. It is the worst position one can ever be in. I made the most horrible mistake, the single worst mistake and to whom? To the love of my life. Make no mistake about it: you were, are and will always be the love of my life till my last breath. I know that now, I have the experience to back it up. And I... I shat upon the most beautiful thing in existence. Us. I don't even know how to begin to accept myself. I haven't found a way, even after all this time..." she said and cried.

"Nadine, I... I came here for two reasons."

She looked at me with wide, tear-filled eyes.

"First, I came here to tell you that I forgive you. We were young and stupid. We are still young, but hopefully not stupid anymore. I don't want you to be whipping yourself with guilt. It's in the past, and I trust you have learned life's lessons, as have I."

"Yes, to never trust a back-stabbing bitch like me for life..." she said, with an empty expression.

"Actually no. The greatest life's lesson is that I need to forgive, in order to move on. I need to move on. I cannot have all these feelings of anger in me anymore. So, Nadine, as I said before, I officially forgive you. And I truly mean it, from the bottom of my heart."

She took a pensive look.

"Thank you..." and started crying from deep within, as that day in the house. "Whoever is the lucky bitch to take your heart, she will be the luckiest woman in the world!" she said and cried.

"Actually, that is the second reason why I came."

She sniffed a bit, opened her eyes and looked at me.

"If I am being honest with myself, and after a helluva lot of introspection, I have arrived at the conclusion that I still haven't really got over you."

She opened her eyes wide.

"Yes, I had experiences as well. If I am to be honest, I have been pretty shitty myself."

"I know. I heard," she said. "Lots of girls, all of them crying, but still longing for you. I understand them completely, you know. I am in the same boat. Actually, no, I am not. That's unfair to them. They are not the guilty party here. I am that."

"Damn right you are! They didn't kill me Nadine. You did! That one is on you! What I became is what you created with your own hands. You need to own that part or I am out of here, right fucking now!" I said, getting ready to leave.

"I am so sorry Bobby! Please don't leave!" she said, holding me and guiding me to sit back down. "Yes, that one is squarely on me. Nobody else. Me. You did that on your own, but the person you became that did this was created by my own hand. You are absolutely right on this," she said and cried.

"You know the worst part in all this? Everything was gray-zone for me. Remember what I told you that day? You brought color in my life? I didn't have that with any other woman. Only with you. You know how that made me feel?" I said, deeply angry.

"I am so, so sorry Bobby!" she said crying.

"You know what? Maybe all this was a bad idea. I think it is best to cut it right here. I shouldn't have come at all..."

"No!!! No Bobby, no! Please, don't do that! Please stay!" she said, almost berserk. I actively tried to calm me down, and it was only partially successful after a few minutes.

"Fuck this. I want to ask you something. For my own fucking sanity," I said.

She opened her eyes even wider, and her lips were trembling.

"I want to ask you a simple question, and I want an honest answer, Nadine."

"Of... of course!" she said.

"Have you ever truly loved me?"

"Oh God... yes! Yes, I have, with all my heart and soul! What I did was not from lack of love, it was from plain stupidity, please believe me! I... I know it seems like the worst possible lack of love, I do understand that, but... but even when I did all that... impossibly, incredibly stupid stuff, I thought that I just go through a phase and then I'll be back with you. My God, how totally, utterly idiotic, I know! But I swear, that's what I thought! Can you imagine the level of stupid? The utter delusion? I still cannot fathom..." she said and collapsed crying. She resumed control after a few moments and continued.

"I have to be honest. I have to bare my soul to you. When I first got together with Vance, I thought I had the dream. The perfect man at home, and the illicit affair outside. It was a thrill that was based on the taboo nature of a cheating affair, exactly as those bitches had told me. But, they never told me about the devastation afterwards. Vance was inferior to you in every single way. As a lover, as a human, as pretty much everything. You were the better man in every single thing, I assure you. Hell, nobody since has ever measured up to you, ever. Nobody gave me colors in MY gray life movie; only you did that. After the cheap thrill of the illicit was gone, I was faced with the undeniable truth of the devastation I had caused, which basically was the death of the greatest thing that I had ever had the luck - and that was what it was, sheer luck - to have in my life. Us. I was so lucky so early in life and did not appreciate that luck. Instead, I wasted it on absolutely nothing. Once I realized all that, it was torture. And I had brought that to myself, so I deserved the pain. I thought that this is what I deserved till the day I die. The one person aside from mom that helped me get my head straight was your daddy. And he died! That night, when I cried on you... I was going to end it all, I couldn't bear life like that any more. But you saved me once again. Despite the fact that I deserved absolutely nothing from you..."

"No matter what had happened, I never wanted you to get hurt, Nadine. It would devastate me to no end if something happened to you. I hope you understand that," I said.

"Something which I understood that day, and it made me so much sadder. To know that you are so selfless that you cared more about my life than your well-being, me, the two-timing, backstabbing bitch! How did I EVER deserve you? I never did. I had absolutely no value from that Valentine's day onward. I was soiled; I didn't deserve happiness. I had it and threw it away!" she said and cried once again.

Well, I had to hand it to her. If the usual problem with the female sex is lack of accountability, Nadine was most definitely NOT guilty of that. She resumed responsibility for every single thing. Even my own shitty behavior, at least in part. As the creator of said behavior. She was right. I had to hand it to her, she took credit for the shit she did.

"Bobby, I need to come completely clean," she said. "As you see, I am being completely honest and transparent, you deserve nothing less than that. I know I am just a stupid, deeply flawed woman that had the greatest luck out there and pissed on it, letting herself becoming the world's greatest brat. I had many unresolved issues, and I was way too immature to be able to handle them at that age. I went through all the phases, as you said. I know that I have little, or even possible no value to you now. I am damaged, and I have damaged you as well. But you absolutely need to know something. I will not be able to live if I don't tell you this," she said very seriously. Then she looked me in the eye.

"I love you. I love you now. I have loved you always, even when we weren't together. Even when thousands of miles and the bodies of the victims of our respective devastations were between us. I haven't ever stopped loving you. Actually, you cannot imagine how much I love you. I ache for you every single moment. I cannot feel without you in my life. You are my life, Bobby. And I know I don't really deserve you. You are better than me. Even after everything that happened, you are still better. Even after I damaged you, you still are better," she said, looking at me without any doubt.

Wow. She let it all out.

"If you ask me what I would want, I would immediately tell you that I would pray to any God out there for only one thing: having you back in my life, exactly as it was was before I fucked everything up. If that is not possible, at least as close to that as you would be comfortable with. If you find it in your soul to give me another chance, I need you to know that I would rather die than hurt you again. I cannot guarantee that I won't get stupid, but if it happens, it will be the last thing I do on this Earth. I will take my own life if I hurt you ever again. That's what I can definitely promise."

"I think I like you better alive," I said grinning.

She chuckled in between the tears.

"Bobby, I am not worthy of your love. I don't know if I will ever be. I have wronged you horribly, and cheated myself of my own value and any chance in happiness in the process. But the ball is in your court. You may very well decide that I am not good enough for you, and, hell, I would totally, absolutely agree with you. If, contrary to all logic, you decide to take a shot and... and give me a chance, I solemnly promise to love and honor you till the end of me. That is my pledge to you. After all that has happened, I know that I will keep it to the grave. I don't want to live like this anymore. You are the only person that gives meaning to my life. I know that now. So well. I earned this small bit of knowledge the hard way. Actually, the hardest of ways. I would literally beg you, but I don't even have the right to do that. I lost it in UPenn. I can only hope for you to care for me just enough to give me a chance, against all reason. I most definitely do not deserve it, but I can always hope."

She had an expression that was unique. Determined, hopeful but pensive at the same time.

It was decision time. Shit or get off the pot.

Who was I kidding?

"So how's this gonna work? Me in Stanford, you here..."

I never had a chance to finish that phrase. She literally jumped on me, tackled me to the ground and smothered me with kisses. She laughed, cried, and smiled like the world was beautiful again. I loved seeing her like this, like when we discovered the world together.

I still loved her. She still loved me.

Maybe, just maybe, we had a chance.

*********************************************

Twenty years later, am I happy for that decision?

Well, I have the most devoted, beautiful partner in the world. No, we never married. We have been together since that day. At first a long-distance thing, which I almost gave up on. She literally made the cross-country trip between our universities a commuting thing just to save us. She put on the effort in a big way. After we got our PhD's, for all intents and purposes we lived as a married couple, but I told her from the start that there would never be a marriage between us. If one of us did something stupid, we split immediately, no questions asked, no matter how many years passed. It was either that or the highway. She took it without a complaint.

I could have enforced non-exclusivity for my part if I truly wanted it, but I felt it would only lead to more heartache, not only on her, but on me too. It wasn't really worth it. You either do it or don't do it. Non-exclusivity would mean that I would degrade this to the level of a hook-up, and that would be a true devaluation of what we once head. Hook-ups don't have any true meaning from a point and on, it is just a superficial thing, a fluid exchange. It really wouldn't be worth the trouble, and given out past, it would just tarnish any good memory we would ever have. She saw it the same way but I am pretty sure she would agree to such a request, at least at first. I just decided against it, and I am glad I did.

Beth was both the best 'almost mother-in-law' in the world, and a happy grandma to our three beautiful children, our prides and joys. We were both very doting parents, and if something happened between us, the children would most definitely come first, we had agreed on that part explicitly. But we have managed to stay together for good.

We had our good times and our bad times, but in the end we persevered and won. She almost got stupid once again, but not for another man. She thought I had an affair - which wasn't true at all - but even then, she thought that this was well-deserved; she didn't blame me for it, she thought it was justice served as it should. It was killing me inside to witness her withering away like that. When I managed to clear the air, she was literally the happiest woman on Earth. To be honest, I would never cheat on her. I have no need for that. I believe she wouldn't either, for the same reason.

I hope Daddy is happy for me up there. Beth says she'll meet him soon. I hope she delays that particular departure as much as possible. We all love her so much.

If we are lucky enough, one day we will be dining together up there, having a blast.

Who knows?