The Snows of Dr. Zhivago

She got herself a cup of coffee and let me serve breakfast. When were done with breakfast, she refilled her coffee cup and sat back at the table.

"Let's talk, Brandon. What happened last night was beautiful. It was magnificent. It was the most romantic and exotic experience of my life. And I don't want us to mess anything up.

"So here are the rules. Brandon and Ellie are brother and sister. They love each other, but they don't mess around. Yuri and Lara live in a world of epic landscapes, and epic love. Those two worlds are completely separate. When you become Yuri, that's who you are. When you are with Lara, the two of you are in your own universe that knows nothing about us, about our jobs, or our lives.

"If you slip up, it's over. I might even need to move out. But if you can stay with it, we will have our own world that's more amazing than anything either of us has ever known. Is that clear?

"Also, we both have jobs and need to be able to operate in the real world as well. So probably, most of our Yuri and Lara time will need to be on the weekends. The other days, we will just be us and we can hang out and do regular things together. Do you agree to those terms?"

I nodded.

Then she added, "Now, one more thing, I just want you to know, about last night, I'm not trying to be a tease. It was wonderful, in a lot of ways. But... Well, it still felt like... Like we were just reciting our lines. We weren't really there. I mean I didn't come up with this idea just as a way to sneak around the rules. That would never work for me. And in the end, it wouldn't be enough for you either. It has to be real. I don't know exactly what it will take, but both you and I will know when it happens. And we'll know why we waited.

"So for now, we both need to keep thinking about it, and Yuri and Lara can meet again next weekend."

I suppose that made me feel a little better about what happened last night, but at the same time it left me feeling kind of stuck. What did she want? You know, it's like that old whine by male comedians, "What do women want?" As if it's some kind of total mystery. (Which in this case it was.)

But at the same time, I kind of felt like I understood what she was talking about. If it was going to be a classic romance, we weren't nearly there yet. I wasn't nearly there yet, and I knew it. I just wasn't sure of how to get there.

* * *

Monday morning, after breakfast, Ellie headed out to catch the bus to go to her office.

I was working from home that day, so my time is pretty flexible. I decided to take a long lunch hour to do some shopping on my own. I found a formalwear shop that rented tuxedos and the like. They also had some fancy vests for the tuxedos which had these raised patterns on them. I got a black vest with a raised black design. They also had some bigger, slightly floppy, old-fashioned bowties -- fortunately also clip-on.

That would be a little better, a step up on the formalwear side, but I also knew that wasn't the real answer. On the way back home, I stopped off at a bookstore to check out some Russian poetry books. I was thinking that since Yuri was also a poet, maybe that would give me some language or something.

I looked at some of the poems. I don't know whether it was a problem with translation, or maybe I'm just not a poetry person, but that wasn't giving me what I was looking for. I decided I would have to do some more thinking about my next step.

What was I missing? As I thought about it, I began to realize that I was, at heart, an American in my soul. I was, whatever setbacks faced me or even faced the country, an optimist. Things were good, and when bad things happened, they would pass. But I also realized that that was not the Russian way. There was some kind of darkness some sense of bad history, some sense that things were only going to get worse in different ways, not better. And that your best hope was to survive, however tragically.

I realized that the answer was not to become a clone of Yuri in the movie (how much more was there to learn about him?), but to become my own Yuri, with his own sense of tragedy interwoven with romance. I started doing some research online to find some quintessential Russian authors. That was easy enough. Dostoyevsky, Tolstoy, Chekov, Pushkin. Maybe Solzhenitsyn, although he was later, but he certainly understood Russia. I even decided to add Kafka to my list, even though he wasn't Russian, but he understood the absurdity of life and the idiocy and dangers of bureaucracy.

A lot of these authors were old enough that their works were out of copyright and available free online through the Gutenberg Project. Where I could, I looked for short stories by these authors, although even their short stories were pretty long by today's standards. I wanted, as they say, to "git 'er done," and reading the novels in full was going to be too much of a project. For the longer works (was I really going to read all of "War and Peace"?), I went to summaries on Wikipedia or study notes on the web.

This was my project. I needed to become my own Yuri, with my own depth, and my own angst. I needed to absorb the culture through my mind and through my skin. I needed to surround Lara with that tragic world, where only love had any meaning at all.

* * *

I still had to keep up with work, and I still went in to the office at least two days a week, so I needed to find ways to block out extra time during the week. On the days when I was working from home, it was easy to use lunch hour for my research. Also, Ellie had about a 30-minute commute from her office to get back to the apartment, so that gave me a little extra time at the end of the day. But I also found myself making time in the evening by telling Ellie I had a project I had to work on and going back to my bedroom to hit my computer for more research.

She didn't seem to mind, and a lot of evenings she would just watch TV or sometimes read a book. I would've enjoyed being able to hang out and watch TV with her, but I really wanted to make some progress with Russian literature. Also, I was just starting to really enjoy it and find it fascinating. And I did start to get a better sense of this kind of dark Russian sensibility and I began to feel myself starting to incorporate this into my vision of Yuri. It was about so much more than just waltzes and vintage clothing. It was an understanding that nothing came easy, that disappointment was more likely than success, but the one kept going, regardless.

I tried not to let that start affecting the weekday Brandon, although I guess it probably began to make me a little less chipper and maybe even a little more brooding than my usual self, even when I went into the office and was working with people I got along with and liked to hang out with.

The real test would be the weekends. We kept Friday nights for Brandon and Ellie, a chance for us to go out to dinner together and relax. But Saturday I would spend much of the day preparing myself mentally for the evening. That next Saturday, when I appeared with my new best and my vintage-looking tie, Lara was impressed. We waltzed, and we talked. We talked about the darkness of the weather, the darkness of events, the weight on the soul.

I could see Lara looking at me differently. I was moving into this world far more than she had expected. She reached over and held my hand as we talked. And when the evening was over, she gave me a hug as she said goodnight.

On Sunday, we -- Brandon and Ellie -- went out for a walk to enjoy a beautiful sunny day. We were both feeling the afterglow from last night, although neither of us was free to say a word about it. Still, there was a romantic image to our being together that hadn't been there before.

Sunday night, Yuri and Lara got together again, and danced and talked, with Lara holding the Yuri's hand practically the whole time. At the end of the evening, when it came time to say goodnight, she kissed me softly on the lips. "I am falling more in love with you, Yuri. Soon I fear I will fall in love with you completely. Even now, it is hard for me to say good night, but you know I must."

Of course I would've loved more, would've loved a lot more, but I understood. I, of course, was in love with Lara all along, but I guess I felt I understood what that love meant in a way I had not understood it before.

The best part was, I knew what both of us wanted. And I knew it was up to me. I had to decide, "Whether I am a trembling creature or whether I have the right?" (A line from Dostoyevsky's "Crime and Punishment.") I don't know whether that was the right way to use that quote, but I had to assert myself, to break past the idea that we were simply playing roles, and become the dark romantic figure of Lara's dreams.

* * *

I wasn't sure how much longer I could stand waiting. I would keep studying the stories and novels and plays, but I needed a grander gesture.

I decided to write Lara a letter. Actually, pretty much a note, since I wasn't sure how to sustain a Russian romantic voice in anything lengthy.

"Dear Lara,

I miss you every moment that we are apart. Events and circumstances do not favor us, as we both understand. And yet, I believe that our feelings must, in spite of everything, conquer all.

I long to be with you, and to be able to express my love freely and wholly. You are the vision who inspires me to think past the obstacles, and to believe in miracles.

I am, till I see you again, your most humble and devoted servant,

Yuri"

I wrote it up on my computer and was going to simply print it out, but I realized how out of sync that would be. Instead, I went out during my lunch hour and found a shop that sold elegant notepaper and envelopes. I bought a pack of each in a light cream color that looked somewhat old-fashioned. I figured I'd better have some backup sheets in case I screwed up my first attempt. (Which I did.)

My usual handwriting tends to be quick and sloppy -- pretty much the kind of handwriting that most American males end up with, since learning cursive seems like a royal pain in the ass. So I had to practice on some regular paper first just to neaten up my handwriting and try to make it look as formal as possible. I would've used a fountain pen, but really, who has those anymore? So I just used a ballpoint, although I used a high-end pen I had gotten as a present from a relative when I graduated from high school.

After wasting a lot of regular paper on drafts, I set to work on a sheet of the notepaper I had bought. By the third sheet, which wasn't bad, all things considered, I had a decent copy.

I folded it carefully and put it in a matching envelope. Then I wrote "Lara" on the front, and sealed the envelope. I didn't want to mail it, too much modernity in a US postal stamp, and not quite the right set-up for me to have to tell her to check the mail. So I slipped it under her bedroom door for her to find privately when she got home. That way, I wouldn't have to say anything about it, and she wouldn't either, at least until the weekend.

I didn't say anything when Ellie got home.

She had said "Hi" when she came in, and then went to her room to change into comfortable clothes for the evening. She was gone a lot longer than usual, but when she came back out, she had a big smile on her face. It was obvious she had read the note that I left for her. It was something I knew she wouldn't be expecting at all.

"I hope you don't have to work on one of your projects tonight," she said. "It would be nice to have an evening where we can just hang out and watch TV together."

"Absolutely. I've been looking forward to it. I already ordered Thai food, so we can eat dinner while watching TV." I brought out dishes and silverware, along with a bottle of wine and some glasses. Then I brought out a platter with the various takeout boxes for a classic-style TV meal.

Ellie was even more talkative than usual, telling me about her day and asking how my day had gone. We managed to find a good movie and settled in. When we finished our meal, she even moved over next to me. It felt really good, feeling her body against me again, but I also knew not to do anything stupid this time.

Now all I had to do was to continue reading about Russian literature, and wait till the weekend.

* * *

After breakfast on Saturday morning, Ellie told me she had some shopping to do and she would be back mid-afternoon. I had my own plan in mind, and set out for an expedition of food shopping.

Ellie came back around five that afternoon. She was carrying another shopping bag. This time I recognized it as being from the vintage clothing store. She took the bag back to her room and came out and said, "What would you think about going out for dinner someplace? I'm pretty hungry, and I don't really feel like having us spend a lot of time cooking."

Although I had just gone out grocery shopping, I was happy to wait until tomorrow to get into cooking.

We went to a restaurant near my apartment that had good food, with at least some emphasis on healthy. We both ended up ordering dinner salads. I think we both wanted to keep it light, since we had the evening ahead of us. That said, we did end up sharing a bottle of wine with our salads. I don't know if that counteracts the healthiness of the salads, but whatever. It felt good.

I wouldn't say that we rushed through dinner, but we didn't exactly linger either. When we were done we headed home, and each of us went to our own bedrooms to change.

* * *

I hadn't added anything new to my wardrobe. I had been too focused on studying Russian literature. And I suppose that sending Lara the note was a pretty big deal too.

I went out to the living room to wait for Lara. I'd been waiting a while when I finally heard the bedroom door open and close. Then I saw Lara come into the living room.

This time, she was not wearing the burgundy dress. She had bought another vintage dress, low-cut this time, in a shade of blue that matched her eyes. And she was wearing bright red lipstick that totally got my attention.

"You look lovelier than ever tonight, Lara," I said.

"And you look as dashing as your note," she replied.

She led me over to the space near the speakers and turned on another waltz. I was much better this time, in fact I was almost feeling graceful. I felt the romance of waltzing with her, of holding her and moving with her. And, of course, the whole time I was feeling mesmerized by her face and her eyes and her lips.

I was glad that we were dancing. I doubted I would've been able to utter a coherent sentence.

We danced one more waltz, at the end Lara stopped. She pulled me forward to her and kissed me, first gently so I felt her lips against mine, but then I felt her tongue in my mouth and we were both kissing each other passionately and urgently.

She stopped for a moment, and said, "Yuri, I have been waiting for this evening. I have been wanting you for so long, and tonight I must be with you."

* * *

She took my hand and led me down the hall to her bedroom. She opened the door and let us in, and then closed the door behind her. The room was dimly lit, with two small lamps whose flame-shaped bulbs flickered like candles. When I looked around, I saw a large movie poster for Dr. Zhivago hanging on one wall.

Lara began kissing me again, now moving her hands all over my shoulders and my back, and I began running my hands over her as well. Then I began running my hands up to feel her breasts and I felt her hands pressing on mine. Then I felt her move her hands to her back to reach up to the zipper of her dress.

I reached behind to help her and unzipped the back of her dress. Then she stepped back and let the dress fall, and then took it and folded it and put it on a chair. She was wearing a lacy blue corset bra in the same color as the dress, and blue bikini panties.

She was also wearing a blue garter belt and matching blue stockings.

I couldn't believe how amazing she looked. I might have liked to see her in better light, but this was the perfect romantic picture.

I took off my jacket and folded it and put it on top of the dress, and did the same with my pants. I made sure to take the tie off myself, since a modern clip-on wasn't something I wanted Lara to see. Then she stepped forward and unbuttoned my shirt and removed it and added it to the pile.

She stepped forward and we began kissing some more, feeling our bodies against each other in this new way. Then I started kissing her neck and then kissing my way down to her breasts and then gradually down to her panties.

"Oh Yuri, that feels so beautiful, you are so romantic, and I love you so much."

I was burying my face in her panties, trying to suck on her mound and run my tongue up and down her pussy through the thin fabric. I could feel the soft hair of her bush, and wanted to be able to bury my face in it.

In a moment, I felt Lara lean down and unhook her garters from her stockings. Then she pulled down her panties, leaving the stockings in place, and when she had kicked her panties off, she reattached the garters to her stockings. Then she stood back up with her bush and her pussy in my face. I began rubbing my face in her bush, feeling the soft hair and sucking on it and licking it, then I moved down to suck on her mound and her clit. I took her pussy lips between my lips, sucking my way down, and then made my way back up, this time with my tongue between her lips at the same time, tasting her and feeling her juice on my face.

She fell back on the bed, with her pussy facing me. I went back down, licking and sucking on her and then stuck my tongue in her as far as I could reach, playing with her and tasting her and feeling her. Her hips were quivering in both of us were getting totally turned on.

Then she brought her hands down and held my arms and guided me back up again to her breasts. I began kissing her breasts and trying to suck on her nipples.

The corset had clasps running down the front, on Lara began undoing them while I was still kissing her breasts. There were no straps, so when she was done, she simply opened it from the front, leaving her breasts and nipples for me to suck on directly.

Her breasts felt beautiful, and her nipples were already hard. I began sucking on her breasts and her nipples with my arms wrapped tight around her. I could feel her bush up against my chest.

She sat back up and kneeled in front of me to pull my boxers down and let me kick them off, while she was tossing her corset on the floor. Then she took my cock in her hand and looked at it, and then she began kissing it, kissing her way down the shaft down to my balls. Feeling her lips kissing my balls was the most beautiful, loving kiss I could imagine. Then she kissed her way back up and took me in her mouth. Her mouth felt warm and velvety and loving. I couldn't believe how beautiful all of this was.

After a little while, she stood back up and we both got into bed together. She lay down on the bed with her legs open for me. "I love you Yuri, make love to me now, I want you so much."

I positioned myself above her between her legs, and I began to enter her. She was already completely wet and completely ready, but I wanted to take it slowly to enjoy every bit of it. "You feel so good inside, so warm and sexy and beautiful. I love you and I love making love to you. I want to make love to you forever."

We went slowly, looking into each other's eyes as much as possible. When we came, we came together, holding each other tight, and saying, "I love you, I love you," over and over again.

We made love three times. After the third time, I thought it was time for me to go back to my room and not overstay the situation. But Lara gripped my arm with her hand and said, "Don't leave, Yuri. I want you to spend the night with me. I want to wake up with you here beside me."