The Spear of Flame

I tried to look casual and said, "Nothing in particular; it's just been a relaxing afternoon."

He disappeared into his study and after a few minutes came back and said, "I've mislaid a book. I'm sure it was on my desk but I can't find it anywhere. Have you seen it? It's called, 'Divine Love and the Female Mystics'. I'm supposed to review it for one of the theological magazines."

I felt a stab of guilt but decided I'd better confess. "Sorry darling, I was having a glance through it today and left it on the coffee table in the lounge." What the hell would he think when he saw the contents of that book?

"Thanks darling."

He went off again, returning with the book just as I served the meal.

It was a few days later and after he had written the review when he said, "That book you were looking at; what a lot of rubbish. Some people have got sex on the brain these days; a lot of nonsense, don't you think?"

I truthfully replied, "I only read a few pages so I'd better not comment." Nothing further was ever said; but I get ahead of myself, so back to what I think of as "Orgasm Day."

I wanted to tell Stephanie about the orgasm I had experienced but there was no opportunity that day. Of all the times to choose, that night Ralph decided he wanted sex with me. To be fair it had been three weeks since the last time and usually I accepted this without much feeling one way or the other, but that night I felt slightly repelled. I did not refuse or protest, but the experience was unpleasant. I wondered if this was the price I had to pay for my afternoon orgasm.

Next day after Ralph had gone to give his lectures I telephoned Stephanie who told me to come over. I was bursting to tell her of my experience and when I related it she said, "That's wonderful darling; a whole new experience for you, even if a little late in life; so where to now?"

I did not answer her question but said, "I thought I saw your lover when I left yesterday and thought how lucky you were to get such a goodlooker, but it wasn't him because he went right past your house."

"Fair hair and tall?"

"Yes...yes, he was."

She laughed, "That was him then. You don't think he'd come in the front way with all the faculty cats spying, do you. He came in the back way."

The faculty staff houses had been built back in the nineteenth century and had high walled back gardens with a door that led out to some park land behind the houses. Anyone entering the house from that direction had minimal chance of being observed.

Suddenly one little puzzle was resolved. "So that's why you told me to telephone you before I come to see you; you might be with your lover."

"You've got it," she grinned. "Hardly any of the others ever come calling here so I'm safe with them, but you were different."

She returned to the previous topic. "So now you know what an orgasm is like, what are you going to do?"

Again I avoided the question and asked, "Is it very difficult having a lover?"

Here? Well, it's not easy because of the faculty cats, but at least you're fairly sure where your husband is, and as you know, they often go off to these week long conferences, so you can have your lover stay overnight. Anyway, it all depends on how much you like what you get, and I like very much."

I looked at Stephanie; she really was beautiful, and if she was lucky to have such a good looking lover, he was lucky to have her. The thought of them together gave me a slight frisson of jealousy combined with a feeling of sexual arousal.

Without really thinking I said, "I wish I could be more like you, Stephanie; so free spirited, so..."

She cut across me; "Don't try to be like me, Verity; become yourself; let yourself be yourself."

"I don't know how," I replied.

She said nothing for a few moments, then seeming to change the subject she said, "Next Wednesday we're having a student afternoon. It's the usual thing, a thimble full of sherry and a couple of biscuits. It's the third year boys; why not come over and help me hand round the drinks and biscuits?"

I knew the routine too well. Each of the professors and lecturers made a point of inviting groups of their students for these afternoons once a year. Like most other social functions here they were extremely dull, with everyone sitting around not knowing what to say. I was sure that all concerned were glad when it was over.

I began to say, "I don't know, Stephanie, I might..."

"Now you're not going to say no, are you Verity. You wouldn't desert a friend in time of need, would you? Besides, you might enjoy it."

"Oh, all right," I said, feeling I couldn't leave Stephanie to her fate.

That seemed to bring conversation to a close, and I left for home.

Arriving there, and out of sheer curiosity, I went to the bottom of the back garden and looked at the door in the wall. Neither Ralph nor I had ever used it, and looking at it, it seemed as if it hadn't been used for decades. I tried the door and it wouldn't open, so I got a small crowbar from the tool shed and after a struggle managed to prize it open.

It looked out onto the piece of park land that apart from a couple of people walking along a footpath on the other side of the park seemed deserted. I completed the task by oiling the lock and hinges, and after a few test swings it opened without effort. Satisfied with my work I returned the crow bar and oil and went indoors.

It's amazing how we fool ourselves. If you'd asked my why I had gone to so much trouble over the door I might at the time have said, "Because it's a pity to have it there unable to be used." I can see now I was already fantasising a lover who would come to me through that door.

It was nearly a week before I was to attend the Wednesday gathering at Stephanie's house. I went through the normal activities of the faculty wives; attending the Sunday School Committee of College Church, and planning what food was to be served at the graduation ceremony at the end of the year. Stephanie was always there, winking at me rather wickedly as the arguments over minor matters raged back and forth.

Having discovered the royal road to orgasm via masturbation I engaged in this new found activity with some gusto, exploring my body and the possibilities of my sexuality.

In the past I had often been irritable with Ralph. There had been times when even his kindness annoyed me. Now I found myself relaxed with him and accepting of his rather pernickety ways. I realised that it was his training and his work that often demanded somewhat nit picking analysis that had made him as he was, and now, feeling freed up by my sexual activity I found him somewhat endearing, and at the same time sad that he could not really enjoy his sensual self.

With the memory of the boring annual gatherings of students at our house, I was not looking forward to assisting Stephanie with hers. I could not really understand why she had bothered to ask me as there was so little to do. One small glass of sherry and a couple of biscuits was the ration and that didn't take much doling out. Nevertheless I'd said I'd go, so go I would.

I arrived a few minutes before the students were due to arrive. The meagre fare was all laid out. Boris was wearing his somewhat superior lecturer's face, as if ready to fend off any questions that might touch too closely on the personal. Stephanie had a sly twinkle in her eyes.

The students started to arrive and they too wore Sunday faces that said, "I'm ready for a bloody boring afternoon of polite nothings."

I recognised him as soon as he came in, the fair haired boy I had seen outside Stephanie's house. He was about the only one who had a cheerful aspect and I could see he had eyes only for Stephanie. I have used the term "boys," but more accurately, they were young men in their mid twenties who, having graduated from the university were doing a post grad. course in theology, mostly with a view to entering the ministry of the Church.

Seen around the campus they were seemed a lively bunch, but here, at the afternoon gathering, it was as if they were under some sort of constraint. The fair haired young man had arrived with another dark haired young man, and I was introduced to them; fair hair was Rex and dark hair was Peter.

Going with Stephanie to do something in the kitchen she joking said, "Keep your eyes off Rex, he's mine, Peter is yours."

I was carrying a tray of glasses and nearly dropped it. "W-w-what do you mean?" I stammered.

Stephanie laughed and said, "You don't suppose I asked to here just so you could help with the washing up, did you? I want you and Peter to get to know each other."

"What for?"

"Darling, you really can be a simpleton at times. Poor Peter is one of those boys who eats you with his eyes every time he sees you. You must have noticed him."

"Yes, I've seen him around campus."

"Well, Rex tells me Peter can't stop talking about you. He manages to infiltrate you into every conversation, a sure sign he's really smitten. Do you like him?"

"He looks very nice, but I've hardly said a word to him."

"Then go and say a word to him."

"I wouldn't know what it say."

"Of for goodness sake Verity, tell him what nice weather we're having, ask him what subjects he's studying or how his parents are; just get talking and the rest will happen quite naturally."

"What will happen?"

"Whatever you want to happen; he's three quarters of the way there already."

"Three quarters of the way where?"

"Three quarters of the way to getting you into bed with him darling, where do you think?"

"Stephanie, you're trying to make me..."

"I'm not trying to make you do anything, Verity. You've got a wretched sex life; you've learned something about what it could be like; I've just provided you with an opportunity to experience sex with someone who's gasping for you. You make up your own mind what you want to do, but if you pass up the opportunity don't come complaining to me about being deprived or frustrated. Now just go and make conversation with him."

I was shaking all over as I re-entered the lounge. I was half-a- mind to make a run for home, but Peter came over to me smiling.

"They've got a beautiful garden, haven't they," he said.

"Er...yes, they have."

"Shall we go out and have a look at it?"

"If you like."

There was desultory conversation going on around the room with Boris rumbling away about some knotty problem of exegesis. I don't think any one paid attention to us as we slipped out of the French windows into the garden, except Stephanie and Rex who were talking in one corner of the room as they watched us.

We wandered round the garden for a while commenting about the flowers and shrubs. Then Peter said, "I've often seen you on campus."

"Have you?"

"Yes, have you noticed me?"

"Yes, I think so. You've never been to one of my husband's student afternoons, have you?"

"No, I'm not doing his subject until my final year, but I wish had been to one of his afternoons."

"Oh, why?"

"So I could be near you."

"You mustn't say things like that to me."

"Why not, it's the truth."

My mouth was dry and it felt as if there was a lump in my throat and my legs seemed to be having difficulty supporting me. "Why would you want to be near me?"

I thought I could see Peter's hands shaking and for a moment he hesitated, then in a rush said, "Because you're very beautiful."

"Don't be so silly, I'm not in the least beautiful," I gasped.

"You are, you know, all the guys think so."

We came to a garden seat and I asked, "Do you mind if I sit down?" Without waiting for his reply I sat, relieved to take the weight off my shaking legs.

He sat beside me saying nothing for a minute or two, and then said, "You don't mind me telling you you're beautiful, do you?"

"No...no...it's very flattering."

"I've wanted to be with you...talk to you for a long time."

"Have you."

"But I didn't think I'd ever have the chance until Rex said...er..."

"Said what?"

"Oh...that you'd be here this afternoon and that you might...might like me."

"Did he?"

"Well....yes...but if..."

I summoned up my courage and said, "I think you're very nice, Peter."

He looked relieved but neither of us seemed to know how to go on. After several minutes of silence I said, "Shall we go back inside?"

He looked a bit like a puppy that had just had its meal taken away from it. "If you really want to, but I'd rather sit here with you."

"All right, if that's what you'd like."

"We don't have to talk unless we want to."

So we sat silent, listening to the birds and the wind rustling the leaves. I was intensely aware of Peter sitting near me, and I felt a tingling sensation in my vagina. I knew what he wanted to do with me and I was beginning to feel that I wanted to do it with him, but neither of us seemed to know how to take the next step.

After a while Stephanie and Rex came wandering towards us and Stephanie said, "Come on you two, come inside and be comfortable, every one has gone and Boris is off to a faculty meeting."

We rose and followed them into the house. Boris had gone and the remains of the afternoons "festivities" had been cleared away.

"You two make yourselves comfortable," Stephanie said, "Rex and I will be back shortly."

Hand in hand she and Rex left the room.

"I wonder where they're going." I said.

Peter smiled but said nothing.

The lounge door had been left open and after a few minutes I could hear the murmur of voice coming faintly from upstairs; Then voices grew louder but the words were indistinguishable, then there was a sudden outcry followed by more murmuring.

I knew what those sounds meant and they seemed to vibrate through me. Stephanie and Peter were making love. I pictured them embracing each other and felt myself growing wet between the thighs. I was shaking again and I could see Peter's hands trembling.

We sat saying nothing, each of us locked in our own thoughts and desires, but unable to do anything about them.

Stephanie and Rex came into the room hand in hand. They looked dreamy and Stephanie's face was flushed.

"It's time for you boys to go," Stephanie said. Peter sighed as he rose, then he turned to me and said softly, "I hope we can be together again soon."

"Yes," was all I could manage to say.

When they had gone Stephanie turned to me and said, "Sorry about that, Stephanie, but Rex and I have to take every opportunity we can; we really do need each other; how about you and Peter?"

I felt a sense of desolation; my whole body was crying out to be loved – ready for the consummation of desire, and nothing had happened. I even felt a little angry with Stephanie for setting up the situation that had led me to become so worked up, so I snapped at her, "What about me and Peter?"

"Well, did you like him?"

My anger overflowed; "You knew bloody well I'd like him, and what with you and Rex copulating upstairs and Peter and me sitting shaking on the divan...do you realise what a state that boy has left me in?"

"Now don't you start blaming Peter, Verity. Did he kiss you? Did he hold your hand? Did he touch you?"

"No."

"Did you touch him?" "No."

"Why not?"

"Well, I suppose we...we're shy...we don't know each other properly."

"I'll tell you why he didn't touch you, Verity. You're a professor's wife and he's a student He needs some sign from you that you want him; something that will break down that academic barrier, so do something about it if you want him."

"I can't, he's not here; and I wouldn't know what to do anyway."

She rolled her eyes heavenward with exasperation. "Touch his hand or something; he'll get the message and do the rest...or most of it. Come and see me tomorrow morning about ten and we'll talk again, but go now because I've got to remove some of Rex."

I didn't know what she meant by "remove some of Rex," but I left anyway, making my way back to the house feeling drained and weak, but still in a state of arousal with wet thighs and a dull ache in my groin.

I slept badly that night, lying awake thinking about Peter, and when I did sleep, dreaming of him making love with me but never actually penetrating. Demons and angels seemed to be fighting a battle over me; the angels admonishing me to remain "pure" and threatening me with eternal damnation if I didn't; the demons telling me that all would be well and to go ahead and be "fulfilled."

I turned on a bright face that I did not feel inside while having breakfast with Ralph. He seemed disgruntled and muttered something about my being so restless during the night. Then he was gone and I had over an hour to wait before I was due at Stephanie's for our talk.

I dragged out the clearing up and made a desultory attempt at some housework, but visions of Peter kept exploding in my head. Nothing seemed to go right and I cursed Stephanie and the book that had started me on the road to sexual restlessness and frustration. "Damn those female mystics and their bloody sensual relationships with God; why couldn't they keep their mystical experiences to themselves instead of writing them for people like me to read?"

Since I'd been told to arrive at Stephanie's by ten I didn't bother to telephone, assuming that she and Rex would not be engaged in sexual activities.

She opened the door to me, her face wreathed in smiles, and I burst out, "I've had a terrible night."

"Have you darling, and why do you think that is?"

"You know damn well why," I snarled.

"Yes, I suppose I do. That's how I was when I first saw Rex and before we started to make love. Have you made up your mind about Peter?"

"Yes...no...I don't know."

She sighed and said, "You are in a state aren't you, and you'll go on being in a state until you've made up your mind one way or the other."

"I'll avoid him," I snapped angrily, "If I see him coming towards me I'll ignore him...I...just won't see him again."

"Yesterday you told him you hoped you would see him again."

"I was just being polite."

"Verity, if you must lie to everybody else, at least don't lie to yourself."

It was all too much, and I burst into tears. "I don't know what I want...don't know what to do...can't you help me?"

"I am darling," she said quietly.

Almost before she got the words out there was a tap on the glass of the French windows. I looked up and saw Rex and Peter standing there. Stephanie beckoned them to come in. Rex took her in his arms and in front of Peter and me he kissed her as if he would eat her, and I saw her almost melt into him. When they stopped kissing Stephanie whispered something to Peter and she and Rex left the room hand in hand.

Peter came and sat beside me on the divan and said, "Stephanie said you've been crying, what's wrong?"

That I had been crying was obvious, but how was I to tell him what was wrong?

He was very close and he went on, "Stephanie told me to try and comfort you." His arm went round my shoulders in a hesitant sort of way and I let it stay there.

"I've been feeling upset...strange lately...not....not my usually self."

His arm round me felt nice so I leaned against him and felt his other arm embrace me.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked gently.

"I don't know what to say," I replied in a hoarse voice.

He was warm and comfortable and I snuggled against him, partly so he would not see my face, and partly because I was enjoying myself in a frustrating way.

I was lubricating and I knew my nipples had grown firm. He had made the initial move and I knew what I wanted, but should I make the next move? I felt so stupid and inexperienced that I wasn't sure what the next move would be even if I decided to make one.

I wanted him to kiss me like Rex had kissed Stephanie; I wanted to melt into him as Stephanie had melted into Rex. From upstairs I heard the murmuring of Stephanie and Rex again and knew what was happening.