The Sun on my Skin Ch. 02

"Really? What happened?"

"She was a complete bitch, actually; she assumed..." I hesitate: do I tell her this? "She assumed I was Tina's girlfriend."

"Oh god! How did you feel?"

"It was a bit of a shock, obviously, but," I feel myself blush, "it was also kind of flattering that, um, she could think that someone as attractive as Tina might, you know... might want to be with someone as frumpy as me," I tell her, remembering Alex's description of me. I look at her, hoping I haven't said too much and worried her. Her hand reaches out a little way but then hesitates and falls back.

"Yes," she says slowly, "I can see that might be, er, sort of flattering, though you're being totally unfair on yourself, so you are, calling yourself frumpy. Your fiancé Clive obviously finds you attractive, doesn't he?"

"Yes, I guess so." Her hand suddenly rests on mine, patting it softly and making me smile. I turn my hand over, catching her fingers and giving them a little squeeze of gratitude "Oh, don't mind me, I'm just being grumpy: too many manky homemade sandwiches I guess."

"Poor you," she sympathises and then lapses into silence for a while. "It's been ages since I last danced," she suddenly says. "Ted was always so reluctant, so he was."

"Clive's not much better. To be honest, it's not something I ever had much confidence in doing," I admit.

"So... when you and Tina go dancing do you meet other people? I mean do you dance, like, with men?" she asks awkwardly.

"What? No! We mainly just dance with each other though I guess sometimes we become part of other groups for a while, you know with lots of people dancing in a crowd."

"Sounds like fun..." I follow her gaze as she looks down and realize that I am still holding her hand. I release her fingers and she moves her hand away.

"Well, maybe sometime I could babysit so you could go with Tina," I offer, though I have no idea how Tina might feel about this.

"That's a kind offer, though I'd rather go with you, Jani, so I would," she replies a little bashfully. I suppose she feels more relaxed with me, so that's understandable.

"Well, maybe we can organize it one day," I tell her as I start clearing up the debris from my lunch.

Friday 16 October

It's one of those 'difficult to concentrate' days. Clive was up early, readying himself for this stupid stag weekend. He's not a calm traveller at the best of times so I've learned to expect his irritability in such situations. The fact that he is, nominally at least, responsible for this weekend doesn't help and so we had last minute panics for his passport and then for his phone charger. "I suppose you'll expect me to call regularly?" he asked tersely.

"No; I assume that you'll be busy and or pissed most of the weekend," I replied without rancour, "but a text to let me know you've arrived safely and another when you're coming home, would be nice." He seemed taken aback that I wasn't upset or angry but the truth is I know it's a lost battle and I'm actually quite looking forward to the weekend without him.

I work slowly. It's an effort not to just sit gazing out the window daydreaming. When Tanwen gets up to fetch some printing she asks if I'm okay as she passes near me. I smile to reassure her. "I'm alright. Oh, I meant to ask, who is it that Jake's team... er, Blackwood College? Who is it they're playing tomorrow?"

"Dulwich College in South London. Have you heard of it? It's a private school, very posh apparently and they regularly win the inter-school rugby, so Jake says it'll be a tough match for Blackwood, especially as they're playing away."

"Yes, I've heard of it. So we'll have to go all the way to Dulwich College; what time will we have to leave?" I'm suddenly concerned that I'm due to be at Tina's tonight. However, I don't want to miss the match.

"Kick-off is at ten thirty so, say, nine o'clock? Is that okay for you?"

"Yeah, that should be fine," I assure her, though how I'll feel tomorrow morning after a night out with Tina remains to be seen.

She moves off happily and I return to trying to work. I open the web browser and Google search for 'Dulwich College' instead.

Eventually, five o'clock rolls around and I clear my things away. Malcolm wastes no time, fortunately, and is gone within a minute as usual. I'm just about to log off when I feel cool fingers on the back of my neck. "Come on, you can stop pretending to work now," Tina tells me.

"Sorry, I've been a bit distracted today. Was it that obvious?"

"Well, it was to me but not to the other two I think." It occurs to me that Tanwen probably noticed too since she asked if I was alright. "Hurry up!" she chides, her grey eyes alight with excitement.

"What have you got planned for us this evening then?" I ask as I pick up the small shoulder bag I'd tucked out of sight under my desk. Tina notices and nods in approval.

"Well, I thought we ought to start with something to eat and drink and after that who knows where the evening will take us?"

"I'm sort of assuming you do, Tina."

"You're right, of course... Jan, um, this evening might be a bit different and I know surprises aren't everyone's cup of tea so, if you want, I'll tell you exactly what I've planned." That gives me pause for thought: do I want this evening to be a surprise or would I rather know what Tina has planned? And what exactly is it that Tina 's worried might disconcert or upset me?

"Don't you think I'm an 'up for anything' type of woman," I reply while trying to decide whether to say yes or no.

"I thought that about Jojo," she says quietly. I remember that Friday, months ago when Tina told me about her and Jojo, and their 'try any food' games. It turned out that she was up for anything -- except being with Tina.

"Perhaps you'd better tell me what you have planned, Tina."

"It was a meal first, as I said and then dancing..."

"But? C'mon Tina, that's what we always do."

"Yes but... You know how Quixote's is quite easy-going, like with a mix of straight and gay?"

"Yes, of course."

"Well... I was thinking of taking us to an all-gay club, well, more all lesbian, tonight anyway...." She stares at me, trying to read my reaction I assume. Good luck to her because even I'm not sure what I feel.

"Why?" is all I manage.

"Because... I wanted to see if, surrounded by gay women, when a slower dance came on... whether you would dance with me." She is nervous.

"Tina..."

"Oh god! Why do I do things like this? I never fucking learn; I'm so fucking stupid that I..."

"Tina!" I cut her off. "If you wanted a slow dance, why didn't you just ask? I... I've kissed you goodnight every time we've been out dancing: I don't think inviting me to slow dance at Quixote's would have been too... risky."

"You'd have agreed, even though we sort of know people there?"

"Well, I think probably yes." She is biting her lip and I can see she's wondering what to say next. What about me? What do I want here? I can't deny that I feel an attraction to her... "Look," I say, breaking the thought-filled silence that has fallen between us, "why don't we go with your first idea? Let's start with something to eat and drink and just see where the evening takes us."

So that's what we do. Somehow The Three Feathers, the pub where we took the first steps to becoming friends rather than simply co-workers seems appropriate, even if the food isn't the greatest. Curiously, we end up talking about work, perhaps to avoid discussing where this evening may go. "Is there a date set for Malcolm's retirement?" I ask her.

"Early next year, I believe. He could opt to go sooner but I think he'll be thirty years with the company in February so he'll probably want to wait until then."

"And you reckon they won't replace him?"

"No. But Tanwen's good, isn't she? You and she seem very close," she adds and I cannot help wondering if there's more to that question than just a manager's concern. Perhaps she saw me holding her hand earlier.

"Well, I've helped her with her children quite a lot; being on her own with three kids isn't easy."

"That's very good of you, given your situation."

"I, um, I suppose part of me wanted to see what being a parent is like. Maybe if it had been a horrible experience I'd have been less, you know, desperate for a baby of my own."

"I'm guessing it wasn't horrible."

"It was scary, at first anyway, but no, it's not horrible. Her three are really nice kids and Tilly, the youngest, is a complete poppet." She nods a little stiffly; perhaps it's time to talk about the evening ahead. "So, where are we going after this? Do you want us to go to the lesbian club or shall we go to Quixote's again? I'm happy to do either as long as we don't meet whatshername, Alex."

"Oh shit, I hadn't thought of that... Jan, honestly, which would you rather?"

"Honestly? Probably Quixote's as I feel comfortable there: I've no idea what a full-on gay club would be like or how to behave in one."

"Okay," she sounds a little disappointed.

"What's the matter?"

"No, I'm just being silly." She gives a little snort, "I made you bring your overnight case in for nothing didn't I?"

"Um, not necessarily," I say quietly. The butterflies are back in force as she looks intently at me and the way she runs the tip of her tongue along her upper lip again stirs something deep inside me.

"So you want to come home with me tonight wherever we go?" I nod nervously. "Jan, do you mean... what I think you mean?" Again, all I can do is nod at first. My thoughts and feelings about her, the more-than-friendship that we have, the rekindled questions about my sexuality have been like itches over the past weeks, nagging away, demanding attention... The trouble is the only way to deal with an itch is either to endure it or to scratch it. With Clive away the temptation to scratch is intense.

"I think so." The plates on the table between us are not completely empty but by unspoken agreement, we have both finished.

We walk along the road to the bus stop. I'm slightly tempted to suggest we go straight to her house but actually, I'm not ready for that, not yet. The bus arrives and we climb to the upper deck, moving to the back. It is not private, the windows and the CCTV on the bus ensure that, but we're behind the few other passengers and out of earshot. As I place my hands in my lap she reaches across to take one of them; it feels so dangerous and risqué and oh so exciting.

Suddenly, what I'm planning to do hits me and I pull my hand away, more abruptly than I intended. I need to say something to Tina before we're in the nightclub and the volume of the music makes talking difficult. Tina looks at me, concern on her face. "Tina, I just need to tell you something."

"What is it Jan?" she asks gently.

"I... I guess I don't want you to expect too much of me. I want to try this, to see if the feelings and thoughts I've had about you are, well, real is not the right word but... they're it's not just the same, fleeting curiosity that I thought I'd satisfied years ago." Tina is silent for a while.

"So?"

"I'm scared I'll disappoint you, Tina."

"Jan, you'd never do that, I promise. Just be yourself and we can just see what happens. Okay?" I slide my arm across and cover her hand with mine.

"Okay."

Inside the club, we check my overnight bag and our coats in at the cloakroom. As we begin walking along the corridor to the double doors, she takes my hand. I wonder if Frankie and Michele will be here tonight and, if so, whether they will sense anything different about us. It feels like they should.

The routine is well-rehearsed now: go to the bar for drinks, find a table and, at least for me, get myself in a dancing frame of mind. As usual, she gets the dancing vibe first but this time, instead of a beckoning nod of her head, she takes my hand and leads me out to dance as she did the very first time we were here.

I'm more confident by far than I was back then but I still look to her to give me cues as to what to do. Even so, it takes me by surprise when she spins in, looking at me over her shoulder as her bum presses against my tummy. She grabs my hand before she pirouettes away again and we dance on, hands linked. As the same refrain in the song approaches again she calls, "Your turn!" It takes a moment before I understand that Tina means me to copy her unexpected move. I do my best but I crash somewhat ungracefully into her. "Ooof!" she gasps, then laughs.

"Sorry!" I giggle, "You shouldn't try getting me to do expert level dance moves!"

"You'll never know what you can do until you try!" I look into her eyes, certain that she meant more than just dancing in that comment.

We dance on and I begin to lose myself in the rhythms and feel of the music and, above all, her presence. There are tracks of different tempos but nothing that you'd call a slow dance. However, that doesn't mean that there isn't increasing contact between us. We take a couple more breaks to drink and take a breather and, as we queue at the bar for the second time, I feel her arm slip around my waist. It seems so natural to turn and kiss her, her lips meeting mine...

"Hello, what have we here?" Michele's voice is close to me and while there's a twinge of embarrassment, what I feel more is disappointment at the interruption.

"Hi Michele, Frankie," Tina says as her lips leave mine. "How are you two?"

"We're very well, thanks."

"You two seem to be getting along very well!" Michele says, grinning.

"Yes, well, you know how friendship can develop," Tina replies.

"I'd say there's more than just friendsh..."

"What Michele was going to say is that it's lovely to see you both," Frankie interrupts, nudging her girlfriend.

"Oh, yeah, that's what I meant, definitely," Michele confirms, glaring at Frankie.

"Would you two like a drink?" I ask, grateful for Frankie's intervention.

We finally get served and retreat to a table to drink. I expect questions about Tina and me kissing but nothing is said and I find myself resting comfortably against Tina as we tell tales of our week. After a while we return as a group to the dance floor and, though I enjoy it, I am becoming nervous or perhaps excited at what might come later.

Tina seems to sense my mood or perhaps she too wants to see what comes next. "Do you want to go?" she asks as she leans in close.

"Yes, I think so... if that's okay with you?" She nods and, at the next slight lull in the music, we say goodbye to Frankie and Michele.

"See you another time," Frankie says, giving a little wave.

"Have fun you two," Michele calls loudly. "Don't do anything we wouldn't!" and the wink she gives leaves no doubt as to what she means. I'm glad that the dim lighting in the club hopefully hides the colouring of my cheeks.

We retrieve my bag and head outside. The door has barely closed behind us when Tina shouts "Bus!" and starts running. I'm woefully out of condition and carrying a bag but the excitement I'm feeling seems to power my legs, at least for the short sprint to the bus stop. Nevertheless, by the time we drop into a seat on the top deck I'm breathing heavily.

"Do you still want to come back to my place?" she asks.

"Yes... I'd really like to..." I say, still recovering. "I can't quite believe this is happening, though: I've never even considered having an affair before." This is not quite true. Part of me feels, with his late nights and that odd phone call on Thursday -- not as strange as last Saturday's, admittedly, but again he deliberately left the room to take it -- that he must be seeing someone and therefore, though I have no real proof he is being unfaithful, my being with Tina is justified

"But now?"

"Yes," I smile, "I want to be with you tonight, though I'm nervous of what will happen."

"You said you'd been curious before but you'd satisfied it. Can I ask what happened?"

"It was when I was at college. I wondered if I was a bit, er, lesbian because, well, while I was attracted to guys, I found girls attractive too and much easier to be with. The trouble was that the idea of being gay freaked me out, to be honest, and I knew even then that I wanted to be a mum one day."

"So did you ever, you know, do anything?"

"Once, at a party. This girl, Giselle her name was, studying history I think... we ended up sat outside and she was complaining about some guy trying to grope her and why did blokes have to be so insensitive. We got talking and I admitted finding women easier to be with and... well, we both agreed women looked nice and she put her hand on my thigh and asked me if I wanted to go for a walk in the park. It was summer so it was still light you see..."

"What happened?"

"Kissing and fumbling and fingering behind a tree mainly," I smile. "I know it wasn't an ideal situation for a first lesbian experience but, while it turned me on like crazy, somehow it just didn't seem right. I couldn't stand the idea of never marrying or having children and I certainly couldn't imagine telling my parents I loved women!" I remember how I felt back then; I was still shrugging off the bonds of my parents' religion, one that I hadn't believed in for several years but that still entangled me with feelings of guilt.

"So what's changed?"

"I'm not sure," I admit. "That's what I meant earlier about not expecting too much. I still want to be a mum but... I really enjoy being with you Tina, the way we chat and share things and, of course, you are very beautiful. I know I'm using you as a bit of an experiment and I feel bad about that."

"No, don't feel bad. You're lovely too and I think you deserved to be loved more than you are."

Silence falls between us, though we lean into each other, pressing close. A change of bus and we're on the final leg to Tina's home. I realise that there's something I should tell her "Er, I ought to say that I promised to go over and be with Tanwen and her children tomorrow," I admit and explain about Jake's rugby match at Dulwich College. "I think she mentioned it to you at lunchtime but it means that I'll leave to leave early and, whatever happens tonight, I wouldn't want you thinking I was rushing out on you."

"Okay, that's good to know," she replies and I'm not sure if the sound of disappointed I think I detect is real or just my guilty conscience for accepting Tanwen's invitation. Still, I couldn't disappoint her and Jake, could I?

"I've tried reading up a bit on the rules of rugby but it's a bit complicated," I add as a light-hearted observation.

"Well, I'd offer to explain but I'm rather hoping we'll be otherwise occupied." That does it: she didn't say 'I want us to make love' but I know that's what she means and, for the first time, I'm completely sure that is what I want too. I reach down and slide my hand between her jean-clad legs to press against her inner thigh.

"Me too!" I assure her. I feel her squirm as she rolls her hips forward.

"Jan, your hand is really turning me on!"

"Yeah, me too again," I smile. She leans her head into me and kisses below my ear.

"So your pussy is turning into a sticky mess too?"

"Oh fuck yes! And I can image what this feels like," I laugh as I squeeze her thigh. "God, I'd forgotten that: it was the most, I don't know, intriguing part of that one time with Giselle; the feeling of knowing exactly what she was experiencing when I touched her. Like with you now..."

"Mmmm, very much so."

"How far to go, Tina?" I whisper urgently.

"A few more minutes on the bus then a short walk..." she plants another kiss, "then as far as you like, Jan love!"

"Oh god yes," I murmur.

They are minutes of exquisite torture. I'm sure the scent of our arousal must be noticeable as we leave the bus, trailing behind us in the air as we hurry along the pavement. Finally, we reach Tina's home, climbing an outside flight of stairs to the upper floor maisonette in breathless anticipation. The door is barely closed before we embrace, arms around each other, lips mashing together in a desperate, hungry kiss. The softness and gentleness are all that I remember and more.